8 replies to this topic

[cassneedsadvice]

My question is solely directed to spouses who have a partner with SCI. Even before I became a quad I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. I'm 20 years old now and even though I still want these things but at the same time I don't want it at the expense of my husband's SANITY! I guess my question is, as a spouse of person with SCI (ESPECIALLY QUADS) what do you go through physically, emotionally, and spiritually? What happens when you add kids in the mix? ALL ANY ADVICE IS EXCEPTED! PLEASE BE BLUNT! THANKS

[wheeliebear75]

Hun with the RIGHT GUY....you can still have everything you just said you've been dreaming about; wife, mother & much more. I am curious though as to why your question "My question is solely directed to spouses who have a partner with SCI."? After all....for every married woman with children on this site is a spouse....but not all the spouses come on to the site. My B/F knows of a few people whom I've spoken of & has added in his 2 bits from time to time on some subject/post that struck a cord in him but through MY account as a "PS (B/F says ----> ) _________". This lack of signing up & creating his own account & actually JUMPING IN is in part cuz he feels that I kinda NEED a place that is primarily MINE where I can talk freely including but not limited to frustrations that he just can't grasp as well as those who've "been there done that & got the T-shirt".

[Tetracyclone]

Agreed. A lot of spouses do not get on the site. Ask yourself, "How does my guy handle chores? Has he always been a "let me take care of that for you" kind of person?

My guy is a come-home-and-park-in-front-of-the-TV guy. I cannot imagine how his first wife coped with their family, but obviously they are no longer married.

Tell us what he says about wanting children, or not.

[mellowgator]

i had my girls after my accident and they are now almost 16 and 18.

my husband is the one who really wanted the children and after lots of self doubt and soul searching i agreed. we're happy with our decision. when the girls were babies my husband worked 2nd shift to be here when the girls were awake and active and then i hired a nanny until they went to bed. i also have a house keeper twice a week and a pool cleaner and a yard service. my husband works alot of hours and does a lot around here but i've tried to make it as easy as possible.

my husband doesn't come on this site. but from my perspective it's doable and well worth it.

mellowgator

[Ryden Les]

KIDS totally change everything about, and in life. Nothing will ever be the same, nothing!

I don't have the extent of injury as you, so I can't say much more about it.......

BUT They take my pain away when it really hurts, They give me the courage and strength to keep going, They give me comfort unequalled by anything on this Earth. They are the meaning and the point of life. They are people, that I made, in moments of great Love. They are also becoming two of my best friends. I thank GOD for them each and every day....My two daughters are the Joy and Loves of my life.

Enough said
Les

[rmorgan]

Trust me, I want to pull my hair out sometimes!!! My husband is a para though, not a quad, so he's independent enough to do most everything on his own. I only really do things when it's just more convenient for ME to get outta bed, go downstairs, get something, etc etc.

Sometimes, when he's sick and I'm really having to take care of him, or when I'm stretching him, etc. He'll look at me and say "my word, how do you do it?" The answer....it is because I'm completely and utterly IN LOVE WITH HIM. We've been together 5 years, and recently got married in April.

No relationship is easy. We have to deal with things most other couples don't, but then again I have friends who deal with completely different obstacles that Brad and I do, without a SCI being involved. That's all perspective.

[Simba]

Hey Cass;

Every relationship is different. My advice would be to just take it as it comes, if you find the right guy everything will fall into place for you. The dynamics of a SCI relationship are a little different to two able-bodied people as there will always be some things the other can never do and they are in part reliant on their partners to get these things done. That being said there are other relationships where this is also the case and at least post SCI the person has foreknowledge & insight into the lifestyle.

If you love someone you accept them for who they are and their disabilities shouldn't factor into the equation at all really. I tend to look more at the things my husband can do rather than what he can't. It also depends on your support group around you, family & friends that will take some of the load off when needed or good carers in place can make a huge difference as this will give the spouse necessary breaks and relief.

I tend to think that when you are in a relationship where there are more challenges the love tends to be truer as it is not a fantasy romance that will flop, it kind of forces people to live in reality and they either take it or leave it. Don't let SCI stop you, socialise when possible and just be yourself. If you don't let SCI put you into a box then others are less likely to as well.

[jscott92064]

How do I do it?

One day at a time - make every moment count.

Here's a few situations I deal with and how I deal with them.

Today we had a few tense moments figuring out how to get him onto the beach and then down the beach so he could watch our daughter at surf camp. It wasn't so much the issue between us - we were discussing the best ways to manage all this and then folks who meant well asked if they could help - only they didn't have anything to offer and well, what they didn't realize is it's probably better to wait until a couple deep in discussion is done discussing before they enter into the situation. I hate being interrupted and if I want help, I will ask.

My husband is a kind and gentle soul and willing to make others feel better at his own expense sometimes.

Myself - well, sometimes I wish when we went out in public, we wouldn't be stared at or bothered.

So that's a hard part of being with an SCI partner - - your business as a couple gets intruded upon occasionally by well-meaning strangers.

And they do mean well and I work on being patient and kind and saying "no, thank you, we will let you know if we need help." For times where my tone shows my irritation (and it does sometimes) I end up explaining I'm just tired, apologize, say thank you and we're good.

The other part with kids --well, one adjusts. Kids want to go where a wheelchair won't at times. And the choice of leaving your loved one to show the kids another part of life totally sucks.

And for any parents with kids, it stinks when you both are sick and the kids are sick too. You both have to rise to the occasion and take care of the kids. But with his SCI now, it falls more of me to take care of all of us, but I manage and I do ask for help from friends if I need it.

Okay - so now you know the worst parts for me. The best part is that my husband is my absolute best friend and the person I most admire in this life. He brings me so much joy and that is priceless. He's an amazing father to our daughter and hears her --really hears her and sees her for the person she is and is becoming. He's showing her how to make the most of life despite what it throws at you and I think she will be a better person for it.

If you can be more specific about your concerns, I can be more specific with you about how I deal with certain situations. I think love finds a way to make just about any situation works out. I really do.

[snowqueeneh]

Every relationship is different... some last, some don't. It's all about team work. Having kids is stressfull at times period. It doesn't matter if your disabled, single, rich, poor, etc... Just live your life exactly the way you always planned to. Don't give up on anything you want! Life can be modified just like an accessible washroom. When you have to take a shower you don't think "I have a disability, and the shower is not accessible, so I wonder if I will ever take a shower?". Same goes for life. Now, having said that. Keep in mind that not all showers will work the same. Some showers are already modified, some take a little work to modify, some can take a lot of work to modify, some take a lot of work and still can't be modified. Relationships and kids are very much the same. Some relationships are eaiser to modify then others, depending on the type of shower you have lol.

OMG it's way too late for me to be thinking straight lmao. I think I should get to bed now. I will probably read this tomorrow and think wft!!! Ah well