48 replies to this topic

[mcwriter]

It's not a good day and I am a giant wuss and I have know one to talk to about this. As you know I am returning to university to finish a degree that I began way, way back when, before I got married for the second time and had kids, so I mean way back. This seemed like the perfect time because both kids are now in college. But I cannot seem to get rid of another underlying source of apprehension about this.

I have been an artist since I was 15 and started selling my work on a regular basis. I lived and breathed it and have had to put up with people's various attitudes toward art & artists, etc. My first short mistake of a marriage when I was in college the first time was one of those times when my ex & his relatives took a dim view of my chosen profession as a cute hobby and why don't I do something serious. In hindsight my parents both encouraged me and also tried to deter me from a practical point of view, but I did not realize it at the time. Then comes my now husband, and while he is all for it, if it interferes with anything in daily life, it cannot be. Therefore long ago I ended up just quitting altogether after just getting to the point of really beginning to establish myself. The needs of him and the family outweigh everything and yes, I've managed to raise two kids who are fabulous adult human beings.

What I cannot seem to do is to have both. What I cannot do is get my head into this. The reason I stopped in the first place was that my husband thought you could only do these creative things in a certain amount of time and that I should be able to complete something in 15 minutes to an hour, for things that really take a lot more time than that for completion. It became a source of tension and I gave up. I shut it off. Over the years I have done nothing more than dabble and now I have this big idea that I can go back to it because the kids are grown & in college and I should be able to have the time to do this.

It's not happening. There is no more time. I freaking scared to death that I've done all these things to get back into university to finish and I'm afraid something will happen and I won't be able to. My husband still expects that I can get out the paint and have a masterpiece in a couple of hours. I can't get anyone in my family to give me more time. They take turns on me and either I turn into a bitch which I do not want to be or I am invisible. I don't know how to save myself from myself.

I've tried the rules the ultimatums the schedules and now I just wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone and quit ssaying, "Did you see that?" on the tv and when I didn't I have to patiently wait until they rewind it to share it with me. Or how everyone else has their list that I have to work around, but know one will work around me.

Yeah, I know, I am really whining, but I warned you that I am really crumbling over this. I'm afraid I'll get all invested in finishing college and none of them will allow me to do what I need to do. I need less dependence upon me or something and don't know how to get it without hurting anyone's feelings. Right now I am typing as fast as I can to get this drivel out to cyberspace as I wait for the next thing to happen, and it probably doesn't even make any sense. I've really tried to talk to my husband about this, but he doesn't get it and I don't want to hurt him because part of the problem is him. When he tries to "fix" whatever is wrong he just makes it worse and doesn't fix it---it's not one of those easy-fix things, I suspect anyway.

I have no regular schedule in my life whatsoever and I hate it. I have virtually no privacy either. I am subject to anyone's whims. I'm the one that everyone looks to, I'm the one who makes sure that things are done when they are supposed to be done, I'm the one who coordinates everyone so that all the things get accomplished that they don't even consider, because all they all have to think about is themselves and I've had enough. I have no one to do anything at all for me, ever and I get sick of it. I can only dream of what it might be like if someone were to do something for me as simple as make me a cup of coffee. Now the one thing after how many years of being devoted to them and I cannot get myself to change gears. Oh crap, I'm being called again. You see me type all these long posts and you don't realize how many times during it I am interrupted and have to regather my thoughts....oh yes, changing gears, that is it in a nutshell right there.

Usually by the time I have finished typing one of these I have pretty much figured things out and come to a conclusion, but not this time. Maybe you are saying to yourself that she is getting herself all wound up about the "What if's" and yeah, those are a waste of time. I can usually get a handle on those.

I had to give my writing a breather because my family was complaining of the time it was taking away from them. I don't know how to get what I need and not have them feel slighted. I did put away all of my dreams for them, to the point that I forgot how to dream and now finally, I have a little dream again after 20 odd years and I am trying to protect it so maybe it can grow into a big dream again, but it's like I'm surrounded by dream snuffers.---one of which is me. No, I don't actually need the degree to do what i want to do, but it will help to get it so that I can be taken more seriously and I will have to complete 45 credits of work to get it. That is a major commitment during this life of unpredictability when anything could happen with my husband's health.

Is it so terrible to want to let one's soul breathe again? Or do I just shut up and continue to be my round peg self trying to fit into a square peg world? Am I so completely selfish?---Because that thought bothers me and makes me feel ashamed to want something for myself and it weighs on me how my mood effects them. They do actually stop everything when I am not happy. I really feel like pond sludge right now.

[davjed]

You sound burnt out and I can see why. It's obvious from your posts that you are talented beyond your station in life and it's a shame to not be able to use those talents to your best ability. An injury at your husband's level, I know everyone is different, should not preclude your being able to do this especially if you live near a large school. Forty five hours is three semesters and a summer school at least. Can you start by taking basic courses on line, then taking the more advanced courses in the evenings and nights? You could use some down time and alone time. No one is indispensable and if something happened to you the others would have to find a way to do without you. Hopefully, you can find some balance here to let you achieve your desires while fulfilling the needs of others also. Best wishes..........

[ZEN12many]

Agree, you are burnt out.

If your children are grown adults, I am suspecting you are taking on burdens that you don't need to take on. Of course, you would need to coordinate things relating to your life and your husband's life (and he can do some of his own coordination). But when you start to take on a burden, ask yourself what would be the worst that would happen if you didn't take on the burden. And if the worst is happening to someone else AND they can do something about that worst, then let them take on the burden. If the worst happens, then that was their choice - good lesson in life - maybe next time they will do better at assuming the burden themselves. Our goal as parents is to raise our kids to be independent - the best way for them to learn to be independent is for them to practice it a lot. Maybe you were referring to other family members - same advice.

Regarding college, do it. But start easy. After you have been out of school for awhile, you forget how hard and time consuming it can be. Don't stress yourself out even more. Start with a class or two and work up from there.

Good luck!

[qbounce]

I've got one word for you . . . . . delegate.

[Ginny]

I suspect that some of your stress may be the sheer fact that you are returning to school after so many years. That, alone, can cause some internal turmoil that can add to the stress you already have. You are probably also wondering if your talent is still there, after so many years of not being used. The idea of putting your talent to work, alongside other talented artists is daunting.

I guess I'd take stock of my life. As the previous poster indicated, it seems that adult children should be able to cope on their own without so much intervention on your part. Part of learning to be an adult is failing and learning from those lessons. If they aren't allowed to fail, those lessons won't be learned and you will continue to feel the need to be the 'protector'.

Your husband should be able to get around the house on his own, too. Not sure what his exact capabilities are, but his level of injury doesn't seem to indicate that he would need constant care.

I'd encourage you not to take online classes, but to go to campus. That will give you the class time and studio time that you need and may be the thing that feeds your soul. I'm willing to bet that some of your stress will abate once you are back in the studio and have experience college life for a bit.

I commend you for returning to school and for reaching towards your dream!

[Tatiana]

Mcwriter, i know exactly how you feel.

You need to allow your soul to breath , of course...you do, It will be your gateway to a happier you.
This is your right.
Consequently, those close to you will be happier as it will have a knock on effect.

I have felt like a round peg fitting in a square hole for many years but i decided i dont need to fit...i just need to be me and be allowed to be me.It will be either accepted or it wont be.

I once began to follow my heart and my dream and i was stopped in my tracks and i resented it for a long long time...then i got SCI which made me feel like i had my 'wings clipped'...and no option of ever getting to where i wanted to be.

Follow your desires and dreams and be happy, others will accept what you are doing in time but you deserve to be happy.

[mcwriter]

I am so out of sorts that in my own mind I need a big flashing sign with trumpets behind it that says, "You now have permission, Criss!", of course that won't work.

The kids are self-sufficient, I raised them to know how to do everything for themselves so they will be ready when they are on their own. They have their own money for school and whatever, and really what they ask or expect of me is simply Mom's TLC.

My husband's part in this is more like, I don't know, with a few preps ahead of time, he will be fine while I am at school. He doesn't drive because of his meds and there's appointments and prescriptions that take most of one day to do. So it isn't really the care thing with him it is the attention he wants without thinking.

I am constantly hearing myself say, "Just a minute, I'm trying to do something." like a broken record because I'd just like to actually finish one task through to completion before someone else wants something. I've gone to everyone in the house and said that I am going to be busy between such n' such times, I will even lock my office door with a do not disturb sign and then something happens it it just gets ignored.

I know I advise others to be the Queen of their household, to take charge and empower themselves by the things they do have control over, but evidently I've just let myself be shaped by what goes on around me, I've conditioned myself to put everyone else first to the extent that I'me a pinball that just bounces back and forth between them.

My husband just got off the phone with his brother who yet again out of the blue wants to come over with his girlfriend for a BBQ. I wasn't asked or filled in. I am sitting here wondering when this is supposed to occur. I am frustrated with my little job that actually changes week to week and I don't know what will be required exactly until Friday or even Monday sometimes. I cannot make any plans because they are constantly changed on me.

My home is supposed to be our sanctuary of peace from the outside world and while my family enjoys this, I am the one who wants to escape because I am finding no peace, I cannot describe to them in a way that they can understand that I need to not be bombarded every few minutes, I don't want to hear the phone or sounds outside, I don't want to hear the stupid tv, I don't want to hear anyone's voice. I DO say "No", so I don't think that's necessarily it either. Burnout = gargantuan YES! I don't know how to get past this without having everyone being mad at me and then having to suffer that too.

Next week will be a hellaceous & busy week and the only thing I can think to do is go somewhere by myself and that will entail saying that I will be gone for this number of hours and be back and such n' such a time. I have to leave what is supposed to be my sanctuary in order to find some peace enough to begin thinking another way. And then be bombarded when I get home. Almost makes it not worth it, but I've got to somehow get the chance to just think anything through without an interruption.

I am so sick of having to watch the clock. I hate clocks and phones and stupid shows that they want me to watch with them because they want to share it with me. They want to be with me, they want to share everything with me, they love me and think that I am the best thing since sliced bread. Other people would love to be wanted this much. What's wrong with me?

Edited by mcwriter, 27 July 2011 - 07:57 PM.

[tmonk]

 mcwriter, on 27 July 2011 - 05:07 PM, said:

It's not a good day and I am a giant wuss and I have know one to talk to about this. As you know I am returning to university to finish a degree that I began way, way back when, before I got married for the second time and had kids, so I mean way back. This seemed like the perfect time because both kids are now in college. But I cannot seem to get rid of another underlying source of apprehension about this.

I have been an artist since I was 15 and started selling my work on a regular basis. I lived and breathed it and have had to put up with people's various attitudes toward art & artists, etc. My first short mistake of a marriage when I was in college the first time was one of those times when my ex & his relatives took a dim view of my chosen profession as a cute hobby and why don't I do something serious. In hindsight my parents both encouraged me and also tried to deter me from a practical point of view, but I did not realize it at the time. Then comes my now husband, and while he is all for it, if it interferes with anything in daily life, it cannot be. Therefore long ago I ended up just quitting altogether after just getting to the point of really beginning to establish myself. The needs of him and the family outweigh everything and yes, I've managed to raise two kids who are fabulous adult human beings.

What I cannot seem to do is to have both. What I cannot do is get my head into this. The reason I stopped in the first place was that my husband thought you could only do these creative things in a certain amount of time and that I should be able to complete something in 15 minutes to an hour, for things that really take a lot more time than that for completion. It became a source of tension and I gave up. I shut it off. Over the years I have done nothing more than dabble and now I have this big idea that I can go back to it because the kids are grown & in college and I should be able to have the time to do this.

It's not happening. There is no more time. I freaking scared to death that I've done all these things to get back into university to finish and I'm afraid something will happen and I won't be able to. My husband still expects that I can get out the paint and have a masterpiece in a couple of hours. I can't get anyone in my family to give me more time. They take turns on me and either I turn into a bitch which I do not want to be or I am invisible. I don't know how to save myself from myself.

I've tried the rules the ultimatums the schedules and now I just wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone and quit ssaying, "Did you see that?" on the tv and when I didn't I have to patiently wait until they rewind it to share it with me. Or how everyone else has their list that I have to work around, but know one will work around me.

Yeah, I know, I am really whining, but I warned you that I am really crumbling over this. I'm afraid I'll get all invested in finishing college and none of them will allow me to do what I need to do. I need less dependence upon me or something and don't know how to get it without hurting anyone's feelings. Right now I am typing as fast as I can to get this drivel out to cyberspace as I wait for the next thing to happen, and it probably doesn't even make any sense. I've really tried to talk to my husband about this, but he doesn't get it and I don't want to hurt him because part of the problem is him. When he tries to "fix" whatever is wrong he just makes it worse and doesn't fix it---it's not one of those easy-fix things, I suspect anyway.

I have no regular schedule in my life whatsoever and I hate it. I have virtually no privacy either. I am subject to anyone's whims. I'm the one that everyone looks to, I'm the one who makes sure that things are done when they are supposed to be done, I'm the one who coordinates everyone so that all the things get accomplished that they don't even consider, because all they all have to think about is themselves and I've had enough. I have no one to do anything at all for me, ever and I get sick of it. I can only dream of what it might be like if someone were to do something for me as simple as make me a cup of coffee. Now the one thing after how many years of being devoted to them and I cannot get myself to change gears. Oh crap, I'm being called again. You see me type all these long posts and you don't realize how many times during it I am interrupted and have to regather my thoughts....oh yes, changing gears, that is it in a nutshell right there.

Usually by the time I have finished typing one of these I have pretty much figured things out and come to a conclusion, but not this time. Maybe you are saying to yourself that she is getting herself all wound up about the "What if's" and yeah, those are a waste of time. I can usually get a handle on those.

I had to give my writing a breather because my family was complaining of the time it was taking away from them. I don't know how to get what I need and not have them feel slighted. I did put away all of my dreams for them, to the point that I forgot how to dream and now finally, I have a little dream again after 20 odd years and I am trying to protect it so maybe it can grow into a big dream again, but it's like I'm surrounded by dream snuffers.---one of which is me. No, I don't actually need the degree to do what i want to do, but it will help to get it so that I can be taken more seriously and I will have to complete 45 credits of work to get it. That is a major commitment during this life of unpredictability when anything could happen with my husband's health.

Is it so terrible to want to let one's soul breathe again? Or do I just shut up and continue to be my round peg self trying to fit into a square peg world? Am I so completely selfish?---Because that thought bothers me and makes me feel ashamed to want something for myself and it weighs on me how my mood effects them. They do actually stop everything when I am not happy. I really feel like pond sludge right now.

[rue2you]

Okay, so here is what you do. Set aside 2 days a week (or whatever) that are yours. They belong to you to do whatever you want with them. If you want to write, take yourself out to dinner, invite friends over, go shopping, paint, decorate a room....anything you want to do - planned or on a whim. They are yours. Talk it over with your hubby and tell him that if he wants you to continue to have your sanity then you need these days. He cannot bother you (obviously an emergency is different and you wouldn't even care), he cannot schedule anything that involves you on those days, your children are not to need you on those days (they can wait) or anything else. Set your days and set your mouth to say "No, I'm sorry. I'm not available." My children are young and sometimes I need a few minutes just to hear myself think. I will make sure they are okay and then I go to my room for a few minutes. When they knock on the door (which they always do) I say, "I'm sorry. Your mother is not here right now." They giggle and go away knowing exactly what I mean. You may have to tell people those things. Tell them you already have a previous appointment - and you do, it is with yourself!!

Secondly, could you come up with a "place" - a shed in your backyard, a place in the basement, an unused room, etc. - just anywhere that can be your "spot". A physical place that they know that when you are there, you are not to be bothered. When you are in the everywhere else places, you are available.

I hope these ideas help but the biggest help will only come from you. You must be the one to set the rules and boundaries for how far people are allowed to cross them. Be kind, be Christian, but be consistent and firm in taking care of yourself. Hold the rope - they will get the idea after awhile.

Hang in there!!

[Quad65]

I may get a bit blunt here, so forgive me. First off, what specifically are your husband's limitations? What can he do or not do for himself? That's the starting point. If he is largely self-sufficient after getting up for the day and he only needs help with bowel & bathing, then the problem may be with boundaries and respect for you and your interests.
I'm a quad. My wife and I have been married since 1978. She does my personal care and once I'm up in the morning, I'm on my own. Yes, I have needs that an AB husband doesn't, but my time and interests are not more valuable that her's are. To me, it comes down to mutual respect. I try to make sure that if she has plans to do something that doesn't include me, then I move heaven and earth not to interfere. Same if she has a sewing project or whatever. Her crafts are just as important as my writing. She wouldn't think of inviting guests over without consulting me first, nor would I do that to her. To me, it's a matter of fairness and respect. We talk things out, we plan ahead, we take each others feelings into consideration. That's what I call a healthy partnership.
If your husband expects you to be at his beck and call regardless of what you are doing or wish to do, that is not equality or respect. If you have a marketable talent, then you should be encouraged, not discouraged, to pursue it. On second thought, it doesn't have to be marketable. The mere fact that it is important to you should be sufficient reason for your husband to respect your feelings and offer his encouragement and not interfere with the time you devote to it. Unless, of course, it interferes with necessary business. Emphasis on the term necessary.
If he just wants you to be endlessly available to satisfy his whims and wants, then you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about the state of your relationship.

[greybeard]

What Quad65 said. Exactly.

[isobar]

Every human being is entitled to some self time and there's nothing selfish about it ............ it gives you that little space in time like a calgon moment when you can get away from everything and yes even the demands you place upon yourself. Sounds like you 've put you , your needs , desires and even the little things you would do to maintain your on identity in the family unit on hold , i'd say giving them no significance , your needs dont matter as others see it because you 've made it this way. You know your identity is a big part of your makeup the thing that molds you and forces people to see who you are. We all need to escape from the demands put upon us by the family and those self inflicted ones, sometimes even more so , giving us the strength to keep going , from flaring up to easily and makes for better coping skills as well keeping our own identity in the family structure/ unit in tact . I bet your writing the book gave you peace allowing you to escape the shackles you 've placed upon yourself and just think if you could continue your art both are like being on a nature high as if you were having an out of body experience nothing earthly has a hold on you in that time or space . Some women end up resenting giving up so much of themselves and become bitter at some point before they realize it. Your kids are adults let them take on as much of their own responsibility as possible be it cooking meals and washing their laundry for example. You're a caring dedicated self - less person who has neglected herself far too much and for far too long ....... being intelligent you must find a way to make your family realize that your needs are just as important as theirs. Mcwriter outlets are needed just as much as everything else too .... no one ' s a robot . Its not fair to always put your desires off or on hold your concerns are warranted and not complaints. You linchpin you. lol Do you sometimes.

[mcwriter]

I'm really sabotaging myself, aren't I? It is like I am on the very verge of getting to embrace who I was meant to be and it is scaring me. It feels very big.

What is funny is that I can be very strong-minded and have very strong opinions about things where even just the expression on my face tells everyone including my family that they'd better watch out and stay out of my way, I react strongly to inconsiderate people and injustice. On the other hand I get emotionally involved even when most people wouldn't. For instance our neighbor's are grandparents and have been trying to raise two of their grandchildren, now teens and they have had their hands full. Just this week they had enough and shipped the kids to their aunts and before they left these two kids wanted to say good buy to us. When I talked to them they kept assuring me that they would keep up with the things I had taught them. Oh my gosh, I cried my eyes out for hours after that goodbye. On the one hand I will stand up and not back down and the other I am being a sap around here and obviously letting myself get walked on.

My husband is also ill with something we won't have anything but symptoms to guess at until maybe the 3rd if they can tell us anything. I am trying to be in denial about those possibilities, but I have to act concerned at the same time so I can get the info out of him I will need for the doctor. Then I have to put aside to function, otherwise I will worry too much. Then he keeps telling me more things. Then out of the blue he does things like say "I love you, I just wanted to make sure you know that, in case something happens." Now what am I supposed to do with that? I told him that maybe I shouldn't go to school, because he might get really sick or even die and he responded with "You're going no matter what! You need to do this, it's who you are! You're going!"

I'm so sorry guys, I just have to get this out, every darn piece of it somehow so I can look at it, so I can look at it through your eyes to see what I'm not seeing. I know I have to grab those reins. I know all the logical stuff, but applying it is difficult. this shouldn't be so hard so why is it? You are the only friends I can come to with this and I appreciate every single word all of you have offered, and every single one of you who cares enough to post. My husband is going through his own issues, things he is trying to deal with within himself. I need to somehow create a structure for myself in which to balance my world, maintain a harmony, allow growth and quit feeling like the weight of the world is solely on my shoulders, because in Truth, it is not.

[DannyR]

Criss what you need to know is what you are doing is not wrong...it is right. Right for you Right for your family. You have spent many years taking care of everybody else now it's your time. Bottom line is when you get up in the morning and look in the mirror you should feel good about the person looking back at you. I know you are going to make this work.

[davjed]

McWriter......a page of thoughts for YOU to ponder (http://www.livinglif...m/lettinggo.htm). YOU will understand. Two words: Detach and Balance!

[Jacey]

Quad65, I think your wife won the SCI lotto!

Edited by Jacey, 28 July 2011 - 06:52 AM.

[catmint]

 Quad65, on 27 July 2011 - 09:31 PM, said:

I may get a bit blunt here, so forgive me. First off, what specifically are your husband's limitations? What can he do or not do for himself? That's the starting point. If he is largely self-sufficient after getting up for the day and he only needs help with bowel & bathing, then the problem may be with boundaries and respect for you and your interests.
I'm a quad. My wife and I have been married since 1978. She does my personal care and once I'm up in the morning, I'm on my own. Yes, I have needs that an AB husband doesn't, but my time and interests are not more valuable that her's are. To me, it comes down to mutual respect. I try to make sure that if she has plans to do something that doesn't include me, then I move heaven and earth not to interfere. Same if she has a sewing project or whatever. Her crafts are just as important as my writing. She wouldn't think of inviting guests over without consulting me first, nor would I do that to her. To me, it's a matter of fairness and respect. We talk things out, we plan ahead, we take each others feelings into consideration. That's what I call a healthy partnership.
If your husband expects you to be at his beck and call regardless of what you are doing or wish to do, that is not equality or respect. If you have a marketable talent, then you should be encouraged, not discouraged, to pursue it. On second thought, it doesn't have to be marketable. The mere fact that it is important to you should be sufficient reason for your husband to respect your feelings and offer his encouragement and not interfere with the time you devote to it. Unless, of course, it interferes with necessary business. Emphasis on the term necessary.
If he just wants you to be endlessly available to satisfy his whims and wants, then you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about the state of your relationship.

My husband is also C5 and I can relate 100% to Quads post. In fact he could almost be my husband.......

I read your opening post and the subsequent ones and I think what you're describing are symptoms of problems within your relationship. Have you thought of getting some kind of counselling, both of you I mean.

Please don't think I am 'having a go' but you asked for some thoughts and sometimes we don't always like what we hear.

[Tetracyclone]

I owe you to write since you have given of your time with your story. Below your quotes are in blue.

The reason I stopped in the first place was that my husband thought you could only do these creative things in a certain amount of time and that I should be able to complete something in 15 minutes to an hour, for things that really take a lot more time than that for completion. It became a source of tension and I gave up. I shut it off.


You are a personality type I recognize. Mine. When someone around me is unhappy I will do anything to get them back to baseline. Others control my environment, which some describe as having no boundaries, or completely porous ones. As i child, my sister could read a comic with me yelling at her. She really had that much focus. You and I may never reach that pointy, but we can improve. First, you must recognize that the problem is in your concentration, not in the behavior of others. They will adapt once you change.

I've tried the rules the ultimatums the schedules and now I just wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone and quit ssaying, "Did you see that?" on the tv and when I didn't I have to patiently wait until they rewind it to share it with me. Or how everyone else has their list that I have to work around, but know one will work around me.


Of course not. It is in their interest to continue to use you as their archetypal Mother. Only you can become a real person.

I had to give my writing a breather because my family was complaining of the time it was taking away from them. I don't know how to get what I need and not have them feel slighted.


You HAD TO respond to their complaining? All you need here is to read your own words and do what you would advise any of us to do.

My husband just got off the phone with his brother who yet again out of the blue wants to come over with his girlfriend for a BBQ. I wasn't asked or filled in. I am sitting here wondering when this is supposed to occur. I am frustrated with my little job that actually changes week to week and I don't know what will be required exactly until Friday or even Monday sometimes. I cannot make any plans because they are constantly changed on me.

Again, you

[Tetracyclone]

I owe you to write since you have given of your time with your story. Below your quotes are in blue.

The reason I stopped in the first place was that my husband thought you could only do these creative things in a certain amount of time and that I should be able to complete something in 15 minutes to an hour, for things that really take a lot more time than that for completion. It became a source of tension and I gave up. I shut it off.


You are a personality type I recognize. Mine. When someone around me is unhappy I will do anything to get them back to baseline. Others control my environment, which some describe as having no boundaries, or completely porous ones. As i child, my sister could read a comic with me yelling at her. She really had that much focus. You and I may never reach that pointy, but we can improve. First, you must recognize that the problem is in your concentration, not in the behavior of others. They will adapt once you change.

I've tried the rules the ultimatums the schedules and now I just wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone and quit ssaying, "Did you see that?" on the tv and when I didn't I have to patiently wait until they rewind it to share it with me. Or how everyone else has their list that I have to work around, but know one will work around me.


Of course not. It is in their interest to continue to use you as their archetypal Mother. Only you can become a real person.

I had to give my writing a breather because my family was complaining of the time it was taking away from them. I don't know how to get what I need and not have them feel slighted.


You HAD TO respond to their complaining? All you need here is to read your own words and do what you would advise any of us to do.

My husband just got off the phone with his brother who yet again out of the blue wants to come over with his girlfriend for a BBQ. I wasn't asked or filled in. I am sitting here wondering when this is supposed to occur. I am frustrated with my little job that actually changes week to week and I don't know what will be required exactly until Friday or even Monday sometimes. I cannot make any plans because they are constantly changed on me.

Again, you

[Tetracyclone]

I owe you to write since you have given of your time with your story. Below your quotes are in blue.

The reason I stopped in the first place was that my husband thought you could only do these creative things in a certain amount of time and that I should be able to complete something in 15 minutes to an hour, for things that really take a lot more time than that for completion. It became a source of tension and I gave up. I shut it off.


You are a personality type I recognize. Mine. When someone around me is unhappy I will do anything to get them back to baseline. Others control my environment, which some describe as having no boundaries, or completely porous ones. As i child, my sister could read a comic with me yelling at her. She really had that much focus. You and I may never reach that pointy, but we can improve. First, you must recognize that the problem is in your concentration, not in the behavior of others. They will adapt once you change.

I've tried the rules the ultimatums the schedules and now I just wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone and quit ssaying, "Did you see that?" on the tv and when I didn't I have to patiently wait until they rewind it to share it with me. Or how everyone else has their list that I have to work around, but know one will work around me.


Of course not. It is in their interest to continue to use you as their archetypal Mother. Only you can become a real person.

I had to give my writing a breather because my family was complaining of the time it was taking away from them. I don't know how to get what I need and not have them feel slighted.


You HAD TO respond to their complaining? All you need here is to read your own words and do what you would advise any of us to do.

My husband just got off the phone with his brother who yet again out of the blue wants to come over with his girlfriend for a BBQ. I wasn't asked or filled in. I am sitting here wondering when this is supposed to occur. I am frustrated with my little job that actually changes week to week and I don't know what will be required exactly until Friday or even Monday sometimes. I cannot make any plans because they are constantly changed on me.

Again, you HAVE TO respond? You cannot say, "I have plans for the next 8 months- you knew that. Call him back unless you all can handle it without me."? Of course you can. Three times and he will check with you first, as is the usual behavior in well-functioning couples, who say, "I will check with my wife and get back to you."

You will be thrilled with how quickly this becomes easy.

I notice from many posts that your guy has a pattern of messing with you.

"IT IS YOUR TURN NOW! excuse me honey, just look at this crazy thing with me first, to prove you are always there for me."

Edited by Tetracyclone, 28 July 2011 - 01:24 PM.

[The Black Sheep]

You have my permission, Chriss. Not that I'm a huge influence, but I see where you're coming from and I feel for you. If I could take your responsibilities for a week and just let you vegetate in your unexplored world, I would.

I often feel the same way you're describing the situation and I feel the time passing, asking myself about what my dreams would be. I was raised by two rebel parents, both were tattoo artists and when I finished high school and continued to computer science, I kept telling them how much I hated it. My dad asked what I wanted to do and he'd happily pay for a transfer to a different school. It was so liberating for someone to give me permission to fumble around, even if I failed. I loved my parents for that! But then I got married. It's great, I have someone I never thought I would, but like you, as I'm writing this post, he's waddling around the living room right now commenting on his laptop, his troubles, he's hungry, he hates cooking (que the request for dinner)... Even when you have time for yourself, you're afraid to take it because you just know that interruption is going to happen, so you can never settle down and relax in your space.

My recommendation: Sleep on the couch, turn on the iPod for about an hour before going to sleep and dream up your idea. I give my husband the day off from work every once in a while just so I can enjoy the car ride there without him turning off my music. I hide in the bathroom and smoke when he's not looking, just so I can have some alone time. We're glued together ALL THE TIME and I just need to leave. Maybe schedule some alone time, if it's possible, and hide out in the basement or a room that is shut out from the rest, turn up the volume and lock the door. Have some wine, and tell everyone you're working, so please no interruptions. I know this doesn't always happen realistically, but girl, you're burning out. From what I've read, you are a phenomenal, creative person. If you're ever in the neighborhood, I'd invite you over, have a couple glasses of wine and jam out with some paint brushes. I would pay anything to go back to that, like I had in college... Ugh, I miss that. I miss having others that share that love, too.

As unrealistic as that all sounds, and I know it's not really that helpful, but you have my support. I love your work, and if there were any way to share and appreciate it with you, I give full permission. =) I wish you the best, as always, because you've earned it. I hope your husband, family and friends are able to see what you're worth and give you the breather you need. I wish the internet wasn't anonymous sometimes and you lived next door so I could create an excuse for you to let it go. Babysit the family, or something. I'd make my husband mow your lawn, then we'd both have some time =D

Edited by The Black Sheep, 29 July 2011 - 02:58 AM.

[mellowgator]

criss,

i've never quite figured out your situation. i know your husband is bed ridden and he stays in the middle of the house so he's always part of the family. i'm sure you've explored all the possibilies with his pain and health issues and there's no simple answer for you. i know they have operations that cut nerves and morphin pumps but i'm sure you're aware of all the options

i remember your recent post about new things you can say if you hear your husband moan. i don't think a new born baby gets that much attention! i imagine your husband would be fine watching tv alone and he can record anything that he feels you've just gotta see. you've devoted your life to caring for others and it is only fair that you get to fulfill your dreams.

i wouldn't let your husband get away with making you cook and entertain without your permission. maybe he can have the bar=b=que delivered and he can have his bro set up the tables. perhaps you won't even be home. let him deal with it without you. i've never heard of someone more inconsiderate.

criss you need to stand up for yourself. it probably will hurt his feelings to hear the truth but if you don't do it you're not going to be a happy person.

it would be good to hear your husband side of things. perhaps if he read this thread he'd rethink how he treats you and looks within some.

best of luck to you. i'm pulling for you both.

mellowgator

Edited by mellowgator, 29 July 2011 - 05:20 AM.

[bongorum]

With the greatest deference, are you sure the problem lies with everyone around you and not with yourself? You’ve forsaken your writing, which requires only a malleable schedule, under the pretext that your family has been voicing complaints, though you now say that you’re being encouraged by them to pursue another road which promises to consume even greater blocks of your time. Again I say this with the utmost deference, but are you sure that you aren’t just afraid of failure and that’s why you choose not to follow through on what you’ve started. Even if my amateur diagnosis is completely wrong, the fact still remains that you seem to avoid issues that you know, at some level, need to be dealt with. What is more you seem to be the type who avoids conflicts and challenges in general and who lacks sufficient confidence in your own ability to make appropriate life decisions, and, by extension, to master challenges and effect the changes you want to see in your life. If you truly had sufficient regard for yourself you’d already be confident in your right to be happy and regard success, friendship, respect, love, and fulfilment as your just due. However, it’s evident you feel inadequate to confront the challenges facing you, which in my opinion stems from a sore lack of self-trust or basic confidence in your own mind. You also apparently lack a fundamental sense of self-respect, which is why others place so little value on your time and make such outrageous demands on it. Of course you will recognize that they’re only following the example set by you when you place little value on it yourself. You need to stop feeling undeserving of the love and respect of your family without having to make sacrifices for their sake and start feeling entitled to happiness. The cure for what ails you lies within; you just need to be bold and daring and have no fear of asserting your wants and needs and allowing them primacy, within reason, in your home. Stop substituting the wants and desires of your children and husband for your own. Let me end by saying that I find it a shame you’ve abandoned your writing and hope you reconsider resuming your efforts in that respect.

Edited by bongorum, 29 July 2011 - 08:52 PM.

[Tetracyclone]

Wow. Bongorum, everything you said I can use for myself. Thank you for taking the time.

[mcwriter]

Dear All,

You have no idea what all of your replies mean to me and how much they are helping!

I take no offence at anything and I do have to say how kind your tiptoeing has been. There are a lot of facets to this. I am embarking on a whole new thing, my life has hit a new phase. I have gone from a relatively typical gal with new marriage young kids, to taking care of my husband + his mother which added 7 days per week with her as well as my own family and a full-time job until the care of everyone required changes, one of which was to home-school. So by that maybe you can see the constancy of having people around me to care for. They are used to it, I have always been there, even for the neighborhood kids who have needed a happy place and somethings out of the ordinary to do and sometimes, just someone to care and hear them. It has been a span of time since my youngest was in the 5th grade, the older in 9th, that home-school became our way of life and now the oldest is in his starting his 3rd year of college and my youngest started college this summer. It is radical change for me.

I had a good 3 hours of silence yesterday when the kids were gone and my husband took a real nap. I got to let my brain quiet down for a little while and then my daughter surprised me with Chinese food for dinner. I made in effort to try not to do anything for the rest of the night. Still can't sleep well, but all in all it was nice. This morning while it is noisy, they are not asking anything of me. My son made breakfast and enjoyed some father son time without requiring me to be a part of it.

It is true that I am a dinosaur and fear change. I've dipped my toe in the water and I am having to psych myself up to jump in. I am using my family as excuses. I am experiencing that ol' apron string thing---I've untied it and now I am letting it stretch out. I haven't yet given over to accepting my own permission to set out on this new adventure. It's not a fear of failing, I don't believe I can fail at my dream. It's not that I don't think I deserve to have my dream either. It's more like I fear that I can't have both, maybe, I can't put my finger on it. It seems like I haven't been very good about doing both family and my dream in the past. I can be so focused. I suppose I need to remember that I am not that girl anymore, that I have figured out a way through everything to this point and I am not the mush she was who let everyone around her influence her dream. Ha! that is exactly what I'm doing, huh.

The Black Sheep said something interesting that comes to mind while I type, and that is about being surrounded with like minded people. Meaning that I have lacked being around others who understand my dream, others who have that creative spirit, who apply it and live it and who can feed each other with it, like watering a seed. That is me. I am that bulb that started to bloom and then Winter came so I have hidden under ground not knowing for sure if Spring would ever come again, and now I am feeling the soil around me warm from the sun and by that I know Spring is coming after all. I am trying to climb up and reach for the sun.

I don't have an end goal in mind, I've always have an end goal, I've always visualized it and just had to figure out how to get there. This time I don't have any goal posts that I can see, but I can see the path. It's like the opposite of how I am used to doing things.

I read a small book once and a few times over again, and I need to read it again. It's called, "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson. It's a little story about a little guy named, Ordinary, and it is about his journey to his Dream and all the obstacles he comes up against trying to get there. This is a matter of changing my thinking, to prepare myself for the journey, to arm myself for the obstacles, to keep to the path, to finally embrace my dream not in bits and pieces, some here and some there, but to embrace it fully and to become it. I've got the tools, I've got the know-how, but I'm staring at that blank piece of paper before me with no idea what to put on it. I'll have an inkling and I'm interrupted, then the inkling is gone. Poof!

I actually don't want to talk to my husband about this yet. I know he would understand, but he is a quick-fix guy. I have to be ready for this in all ways. I have to examine and yes, I need to let go of some things. I want to be clear about how I want things to be before I say this is how it is going to be.

As for the BBQ thing...he didn't say anything and I didn't ask. It could be that there is no definite date. If I just wasn't here, they would move it to when I was, anyway. All my family lives far away and my husband only has the one brother who lives near us, but he travels a lot. He wants to come over with his girlfriend when he is in town, so that's kinda sticky to avoid. It's always sort of a surprise with them. His girlfriend always wants to cook, too, and she doesn't really know how very well....but that is another story.

Speaking of stories, I am just taking a breather. I found out I can write, so I don't want to stop. I just need to work it out with everything else. My daughter emailed me a call for short stories that I am thinking I will submit one for just to try it out.

I'd better stop for now. I'm going to go back and read again what all of you have said.

[edlee]

Bongo made many very good points,,,, as did you McW,, when you wrote:

Quote

quit feeling like the weight of the world is solely on my shoulders, because in Truth, it is not.

.

You have striven, through out your life,, to put yourself at the center of everyone else's world,,,, now,, for some reason, you act like you resent being there.


If you are to do the things you say you dream of,,,, you will NOT be able to keep doing the things the way you do them , now. You are afraid others will be upset with you if you don't pay attention to them when they want you to,,,,,,,,,, get over it. You want things to change????? Then,, as Yoda said" There is no try,,,, DO,,,,, or DO NOT."

Enough Star Wars paraphasing. Disappoint others,,, or disappoint yourself,,,, it is a choice you have to make,,,,, then get on with it, knowing, at least, that YOU made a choice.

ed

[mcwriter]

 edlee, on 29 July 2011 - 08:17 PM, said:

Bongo made many very good points,,,, as did you McW,, when you wrote:

Quote

quit feeling like the weight of the world is solely on my shoulders, because in Truth, it is not.

.

You have striven, through out your life,, to put yourself at the center of everyone else's world,,,, now,, for some reason, you act like you resent being there.


If you are to do the things you say you dream of,,,, you will NOT be able to keep doing the things the way you do them , now. You are afraid others will be upset with you if you don't pay attention to them when they want you to,,,,,,,,,, get over it. You want things to change????? Then,, as Yoda said" There is no try,,,, DO,,,,, or DO NOT."

Enough Star Wars paraphasing. Disappoint others,,, or disappoint yourself,,,, it is a choice you have to make,,,,, then get on with it, knowing, at least, that YOU made a choice.

ed

Thanks, ed.

I've got exactly one month before school starts. All paperwork is done, I even have my school ID and have started checking out the school's resources. I am just starting to experience a kind of empty nest syndrome and about to embark on a huge life-change, one where the routines I have had for the last 16- ish years are going to change radically. With home-schooling our family has been used to being together more often than not. And now my youngest has just started college and that is quite an adjustment in itself. Everyone in the household are going through all of these new adjustments at the same time, dealing with them personally and as a family.

I want this to be a smooth is it can be and of course I want everyone to be happy, because to accomplish this is going to be tough on everyone, as I am not the only one with changes happening. Everything I do, every choice I make effects those who love me and yes, sometimes there is tough love involved. I am a Mom after all and I am that way with everyone I meet. I care and my heart is on my sleeve and people see that in me. Strangers will come up and get into a conversation and they spill their personal problems to me because I actually listen and evidently it is rare for them to find that.

I can be tough when I need to, that doesn't mean that on the inside I just shut something off. Meaning, I do what has to be done, but that doesn't mean I don't have emotions about it that I deal with. This thread is what I am dealing with on the inside. I am listing my thoughts my fears to work through them and gain some different perspectives on how to get through this toward my new goal, to try to get myself ready. I never thought that this opportunity was going to present itself and here I am looking at the calendar with things falling into place for it.

Yes, the true glitch is me, myself. You all are helping me greatly. It is difficult to pull to the foreground something I have put in the background for so many years. I have been in a cocoon. I am trying to get my wings ready to fly.

[hooplady]

 mcwriter, on 30 July 2011 - 03:35 PM, said:

I have been in a cocoon. I am trying to get my wings ready to fly.

Dearie, the butterfly doesn't do much to get his wings ready. He pretty much just lets 'em dry out and then he jumps.

They're dry. Jump. And then soar as high as you can.

The people around you are going to grumble and complain and give you lipservice but not really support you unless you demand it. And then, if they love you (and I think they really do) they'll wake up to the fact that you're serious about this and they will get over it. Your husband can still invite folks over for a barbecue without telling you, but you DON'T have to prepare for it if it wasn't in your schedule. Nobody will die if the special marinade isn't made. Honest.

[DannyR]

i think you are already on your way...it's just accepting that now. Change never comes easy for anyone but it comes anyway. What you are about to do would not be easy under the best circumstances...lots of unknown. We talk alot about SCI being a journey and what you are doing is embarking on a new journey. You should be excited not apprehensive.

[isobar]

In someways i sense you'll be feeling more anxiety because your youngest is starting college and the dependence put on you will be less ...... a big adjustment for sure. if you take things in stride you'll have more freedom but finding yourself missing them being around not relying on you so much. Just ride the wave and allow yourself the time to adjust . Get into somethings you 've put on hold , grow with the change write and start your art you put off moons ago if you fail keep trying until you achieve the goals you 've been after but didn't have time. Some of the best lessons come from failure dont be afraid to face your failures in the long run you 'll learn more about yourself and grow as a person. Another thing you and hubby will have more freedom to explore each other. Either way you look at it it's about adjustments , some you 'll look forward to and others you'll have to grow into.