48 replies to this topic

[isobar]

In someways i sense you'll be feeling more anxiety because your youngest is starting college and the dependence put on you will be less ...... a big adjustment for sure. if you take things in stride you'll have more freedom but finding yourself missing them being around not relying on you so much. Just ride the wave and allow yourself the time to adjust . Get into somethings you 've put on hold , grow with the change write and start your art you put off moons ago if you fail keep trying until you achieve the goals you 've been after but didn't have time. Some of the best lessons come from failure dont be afraid to face your failures in the long run you 'll learn more about yourself and grow as a person. Another thing you and hubby will have more freedom to explore each other. Either way you look at it it's about adjustments , some you 'll look forward to and others you'll have to grow into.

[isobar]

In someways i sense you'll be feeling more anxiety because your youngest is starting college and the dependence put on you will be less ...... a big adjustment for sure. if you take things in stride you'll have more freedom but finding yourself missing them being around not relying on you so much. Just ride the wave and allow yourself the time to adjust . Get into somethings you 've put on hold , grow with the change write and start your art you put off moons ago if you fail keep trying until you achieve the goals you 've been after but didn't have time. Some of the best lessons come from failure dont be afraid to face your failures in the long run you 'll learn more about yourself and grow as a person. Another thing you and hubby will have more freedom to explore each other. Either way you look at it it's about adjustments , some you 'll look forward to and others you'll have to grow into.

[pinkcloud]

hi mcwriter

me long posts take ages too as i multi task, i lay on me sofa,chat with me children and lsten to music too and answer the phone lol.

your post is not 'drivvle'. These are your feelings you speak of and they are important.

I am not an artist yet i understand that art is a way that people express another view of the world we never think of. How can a lifetime of a view of the world as you have lived it.....be expressed in an hour?

I'm sure it took a lot of hard work, trials and errors to make a special kind of ice cream..takes a few minutes for us to enjoy this, just because we can reap the benefits and enjoy the instant gratification of anothers talents, sure does not mean that it took only that long to make this. And people can forget this and take it for granted.

Good job there are artists like you in the world, or our world would be very dull, especially as so many new ideas are used up quickly ecause we know theres another just round the corner..take film for example..we wouldnt e able to watch all thats ever been made in a lifetime.

People love us for who we are - not what we do for them. Well some dont - but then these kind of people expect friendships to reach a high quality stage quickly..again in this instant gratifiction culture.

I used to be like a comilian in me younger years..change into the person people were around me, easier to get rjected as a fake person rather than the real me be rejected. Now i enjoy a rich collection of friends, each matched to different parts of me personality. Much better than being part of the 'in-crowd' just to get the label of being cool' - labels are over rated.....even the cheapest and nasty tasting food poducts get labels on their tin. Not exactly hard to fit into 'labelled' catagory.

On here you always help others mcwriter - well here i am returning the level of friendship you give to me. Equal..as its desired to be. Maybe you had fear like i used to have...reaching out to see if others are interested in me, as much as i'm interested in them...... lot like us with sci - you included...you have sci in your life....how many friends dropped off the radr when they found you didnt have as much time to give to them? A couple did in me life.

heres a song by stereophonics..called getaway,may not e to your liking yet read the lyrics....the only ones who stop us living our childhood dreams...are ourself.

People in you life will only get used to you saying 'no', the more times you repeat this...by explaining its not they have become dulll, unimportant, uninteresting,uncared for...they will think 'hey, we know how great it is to be pampered with a cup of tea..we know how important it is we are listened to in life, get our own space...how much we dread feeling alone in sad times.....gosh we forgot that mcwriter has to do all the things we avoid so much in life doing....

it may be hard changing a lifestyle, yet the more we change...the more automatic behaviour this becomes...before we know it this new way of life...is our natural way of life.

i hope this helps as much as you help me, and its a big compliment you reaching out trusting us with your emotions...as so many of us give you this trust.....you know this is a lovely warm feeling you get to know your trusted, now your giving us that same feeling you get too. That you trust us. See its not selfish....its having the right to feel pampered, given space, appreciated and loved for who you are, its a great feeling trust me.

college thing..i wasnt able to complete this and wasted money yet i'm glad i didnt, a qualified counsellor and also a aquientence whom is a psycholoist said to me 'these views would have stripped away your self-taught worldly experience..ones its gone, its rare to get this back'. I hope you qualify as you desire and if not well, hey thats not so bad..just means your natural talent is good enough to get thorough life happily enough...

Edited by pinkcloud, 03 August 2011 - 12:57 PM.

[wheeliebear75]

Forgive me for not being able to read all the posts for this thread.

I would define myself as being one of those artsy fartsy people. For some they have a need to build things & for some they feel the need to sing every waking hour of the day.....we're just wired this way. For ME it's scrapbooks & card making.....I can spend days working on ONE project (OK the "days" includes quite a few lay down breaks....but it's still added up to 18hrs or more). A work of ART doesn't just get thrown together.....it is a CREATION! And it/they are a part of YOU/US! An arteest with out their creativity is a caged bird....WITH their creativity & allowed to flourish the same person becomes the strong & gorgeous parrot soaring through the skies of LIFE that they were meant to be!

If you've got the heart of an artist than you NEED to not only take that time for yourself but MAKE IT!

Edited by wheeliebear75, 03 August 2011 - 08:39 PM.

[snowqueeneh]

My husband has two sisters, and various other relatives close by. There are many times they want to visit, and many times they just show up without even calling to say they are coming. It bothered me in the beginning. Then I started to use some of their visits as "me" time. Now I actually ask my husband to plan a visit with them. Your husbands brother should stop in and hang out without "the wife" every once in a while. Wouldn't that be nice? I know things are always more complicated then that so I'm not implying it's simple. But it sounds like there may be some room for you to start finding new ways of making time for yourself. That's were you could start now that your kids are grown up. Start using the little bit of extra time you have to make more time.

I can tell you for sure that even if you have all the talent in the world for "writing" it will never help you if you don't say it (read it) to the right person. I tell my husband some of the darkest things I have thought. I tell him that it's the guilt that consumes me. It's the stangest feeling of wanting to get away from your spouse when you really feel like you want to be with them too. Let me re-phrase that... I want to get away from my caregiver role and just be a "wife only" for awhile. But reality is not so. I can keep the two roles seperate in my mind but I cannot physically seperate the two roles... and so the guilt keeps on. But, if you can both just accept that you need to get away from both roles in order to get away from one then the guilt will fade, and there you may find your "artistic" state of mind once again.

Once my husbands family started coming around and hanging out with him (minus me) it didn't take long for them to realize that he is not going to break apart if I go away for a few hours. I think it's been good for all of them. They can reminisce about the past and so on. I actually think it's made them all closer.

I just remembered something else. When his sister would come over I would lie down sometime because I was just so tired. That's how it started. When I woke up my husband would tell me they had a great time! So perhaps you could become a little "ill" the next time his brother stops by. Then go and "lie down" for an hour and just see what happens. Perhaps they will begin to feel that they may enjoy some time alone with eachother?

Edited by snowqueeneh, 14 August 2011 - 02:29 PM.

[mcwriter]

Only a couple of weeks left and counting the days:) Never enough time to do everything, but I'm trying to make a good dent.

Our daughter has now gotten her feet wet in college, her two summer classes are winding up this coming week. I hope this means that when I start on Sept 6th, some of the newness for her will take a little less of my time and she will be more busy with her nose in the game, so to speak.

I feel like I am behind on everything, and of course, my job took an unexpected spike right in the middle of everything else I've been trying to do. It was supposed to be a light, easy summer and it has been nothing like that. Plus, my husband is having some new issues going on, may have a kidney stone or something, he has more tests coming up. Meanwhile, he has that added pain, and you know how he thinks of worse-case scenarios...

If that wasn't enough, there's the brother-in-law...I'll tell ya, I'm about ready to take the battery out of the phone! This is the only relative we have nearby, him & his girlfriend/practically wife. So all of you with relatives nearby and advice, wait a second....

My brother-in-law is not the most intelligent of people, nor is his girlfriend The guy will stub his toe and go to the doctor for a note to be off from work and ask for vicodin. Get the picture? Currently he is off work for his shoulder, says he's told it is a torn rotator cuff, but not confirmed yet. He also just been told his kidneys are failing. He is actually hoping that because of the shoulder and the kidneys he will never have to work again. Whaaat!!!
His girlfriend calls me up and tells me that it looks like pretty soon they will be just like us, where she will be taking care of him. Whaaat!!!

These two people are wearing this like a badge, they are happy and proud about this! It is like they think they are joining some great club and they are trying so hard to checkmark all the criteria for membership! On top of that, if his shoulder is so bad, why is he going out doing all these things and bugging us to go with them, calling us several times a day? Because now they have time on their hands and want to be having fun and will not stop bugging my husband to go and do things he is unable to do because they don't have a clue no matter how may times or ways you tell them, it goes in one ear and out the other. <vent> They are like all those people who don't get it, but up close, personal and unrelenting. I am fuming. I am too busy to take them by the hand to elementary school. This is not a life one aspires to, it is a life you get and try to make the best of it.

I keep thinking that this is all -- rolled up into one--- is one of those things life throws at you to test your resolve. This is all asking me "How bad do you really want this?" And it feels so tough because I haven't gone through with it many times before, but this time I am. All the questions and second-guessing aren't doing their work on me like they have before.

I had such a great discussion with my husband this morning about Artists and the definition of Art and translating your thoughts, emotions and soul, with the skill to manipulate the mediums to produce the expression as you visualized it, and how you can tell the difference in 'works of art' by the experience of the viewer, whether somethings is simply looked upon or if it actually evokes a response in someway, be it emotional, or even illusory with respect to how the brain responds to make sense of a visual contradiction. We contrasted and compared the likes of Michelangelo, Degas, Van Gogh, M.C. Escher, Pollack, Rothko and Warhol, to name a few on our list, with consideration on the different "schools of art" and and how the endeavors of each took on particular explorations.

So you can see that I'm starting to get my head in the game as well. Now if I can get through the next two weeks virtually unscathed, I might be fine---thanks to you guys
1

Edited by mcwriter, 19 August 2011 - 02:52 PM.

[jscott92064]

 mcwriter, on 19 August 2011 - 02:22 PM, said:

These two people are wearing this like a badge, they are happy and proud about this! It is like they think they are joining some great club and they are trying so hard to checkmark all the criteria for membership! On top of that, if his shoulder is so bad, why is he going out doing all these things and bugging us to go with them, calling us several times a day? Because now they have time on their hands and want to be having fun and will not stop bugging my husband to go and do things he is unable to do because they don't have a clue no matter how may times or ways you tell them, it goes in one ear and out the other. <vent> They are like all those people who don't get it, but up close, personal and unrelenting. I am fuming. I am too busy to take them by the hand to elementary school. This is not a life one aspires to, it is a life you get and try to make the best of it.




I keep thinking that this is all one of those things life throws at you

Ugh!!! Girlfriend, I so hear you! Wish you luck with those two.

[snowqueeneh]

My husband and I joke sometimes about people like that. I always said that there are some people out there that would love to be in his chair lol.

[Tetracyclone]

With family like this who needs 7th Day Adventists at the door?

[edlee]

Better have a DNA test done,,,,, It doesn't sound like these guys are swimming in the same gene pool.
ed

[pinkcloud]

mcwriter

i still think i'm the lucky one to have sci..not me loved ones. From the emotional aspect although the physical takes its toll I'm sure.

I cope with too much more than is possible for meself really....only because i have to of course, so many people with disabilities tell me how frustrating it is waiting for people to do things for them....and yes it sure is....yet again no where near as frustrating as it is for me to not be able to do things for them....so how his family and actually for certain members of people in me life.....really dont care is beyond me thinking.

yet i have had to learn that if i beat meself up for not being able to be here for everyone as i as before, that if i dont forgive meself for not being able to do as much as i want, i'd be an emotional wreak....i do everything i want and can do....saying no is not a crime, unlove, uncaring..its simply allowing ourself to feel this treatment to...from ourself. Easier than it sounds yet we all reach a point where something forces this to happen....me its sci, others its a nervous breakdown...others it just sheer emotional and or physical exhaustion.

i have to cope a lot on me own as have no husband, family far away and friends, well....they work and have families and lives too.....and i have learnt to cope on the health equivalent of 1 pound in comparrison to 100 million pounds of money. I appreciate every cuppa tea i am made.....everytime i have a visit/phonecall....everytime a stranger stops and opens a door without even asing them too....hat i'm saying mcwriter is...your hubby copes so well because he has so much love and care from you....yet as hard as it is, it may do him good to have care off others..his family..i know for all you say that hes devoted and so content with your relationship and i dont feel its your hubby thats taking your energy..i feel its his family.

Well what do they plan to do if you were to be taken ill.....do they think your hubby would be able to cope with them not having even an idea of how to help him? And just as importantly how about you being cared for? How would they cope with you both being unable to cope with daily life? So infact you may be doing them a favour..saving them much sadness and upset when if that time ever comes (i so hope it does not) they wont be so consumed with regret that this blocks them for them coping..just as well as you do?

I cant speak much as am only sci meself..not a loved one, yet i can say i can speak as a love to be a mammy (me only caring role sorry i know its not the same)....love that label (just like you love being a wife) all the time although its parent/friend/gives praise/contructive critisim giver/nurse/counsellor etc lol....and no parent knows what signing up to become pregnant means as each child that is born is different....yet i still like to be a girlfriend/friend etc to other people too lol.

Time for mcwriter to fly the nest from time to time during the day..you wont forget where your nest is.....i think that his family may have though and you getting their help will maybe re-direct them to their lost path.... :hug:xx

[pinkcloud]

By the way..and i aint no mind reader so may be very wrong..

maybe the brother thinks your hubby has a 'back condition'......and with this back condition, he has bladder/bowel/leg mobility issues.

Well maybe he thinks that another body part...his shoulder....affects the kidney/brain/big toe.

After all, its a body part covered in skin....shoulder/leg/back/head..hey its all the same.

Maybe a little basic diagram to show where the spinal cord is (he may think a 'tear' in the rotator cuff..is the same as the spinal cord having a 'tear' (dont bother explaining compression/sethered...you want more hours in the day..not less lol)

Then that also shows the benefits of art and how different indepth meanings can be appllied to art.....by using your drawing to him as an example lol then him and his girlfriend may make a new hobby....now this may mean them becoming students to you when you qualify from college

huge hugs

[Simba]

Hey Mcwriter I apologise I havn't read this very thouroughly but had to add if you are a creative person it is essential that you take some time out for yourself to be creative otherwise you will start feeling like this, I know given your particular circumstances this may not be always feasible or possible but we know many creative people who go into a mini-meltdown mode when they are unable to be creative and it causes huge coping difficulties for them.

Just wanted to say that what you're feeling as a creative person is normal when not able to have that creative outlet and I encourage you to keep trying to find the time to invest into this when or if at all possible.

And to add some people can have an extremely draining effect on you, particularly your creativity by rambling and going on about insignificant self created problems (just something I have experienced with my own creative vibes and husband's certain people really tick us off and drain us completely through association with them so we try at all costs to disassociate ourselves form their negative destructive influences).

[mcwriter]

I will soon eeek out some more time to update you all,so far. I am thinking about your replies and boy I do appreciate all of them.

I just actually posted Chapter 7 of "As the Crow Flies" on my blog. It was really tough to squeeze out moments here and there to get this done. I am being pulled in all directions, but managed to get a little time for me this weekend after a horribly busy week.

Will have more, soon....

[mcwriter]

We have been putting off having to see the brother-in-law and his girlfriend pretty well so far and only had to see them once last week, as they surprised us with a short visit. But since then we dread when the phone rings or when someone knocks on our door. He calls several times per day--ugh.

I told you that he has new health issues. He knows nothing about his own body and health, so he calls my husband to ask advice and then of course doesn't follow it for more than a minute and is dragging about getting a bunch of tests done that he really needs so that the doctors know exactly what they are dealing with. They suspect his kidneys are damaged for one thing and does not understand that you cannot mess around with that! ARGHHH! His girlfriend started a new job and he is being such a jerk to her because everything is about him. Because he is off work, he is bored and now he is the one not allowing her to get enough rest around her tiring job. But that is not the worst.

After she went off her meds and off the deep end, helping herself to some of his money & his car which she gave away, (they did get the car back), he has now forced her to sign I.O.U's for the car and other things!!! Can you believe that? What a scumbag. He has never had a decent girlfriend or wife in his life---I'm sure because no one would want him---now he has a pretty nice one and he doesn't have a clue how to treat her! My husband keeps giving him advice, but like the health things, he listens only for a little while. I don't know why we expect him to change, he has been this way his whole life and thinks the world owes him something just because he exists. He's not going to change, we told her that, we even told her to leave him when he beat her, but she didn't listen either.

School starts for me, my daughter & son on Tuesday and though I haven't gotten everything done I had planned, I just wanted a little peace of serenity before my new schedule & routines start...one last peaceful weekend...and apparently my brother-in-law & his girlfriend will be coming over for dinner & a movie Monday night. She's cooking most everything, which sounds nice right? It would be nice if she could cook. Seriously, we are going to eat before they get here and I will make a dessert.

Next week will be the start of new things I'm not ready for and I am already thinking about a new thread to post. I can do all the planning in the world, but nothing ever actually works out the way you plan. It's funny how sci can spell out this fact in big red letters, but it just seems to be true for all of life. I think sci just makes one more aware of some things, it really does make more clear both the bad & good at the same time. The bad you didn't want to know, but you learn that you can change and the good you didn't know, because you have learned what is truly important in life.

Edited by mcwriter, 04 September 2011 - 12:10 PM.

[Tetracyclone]

one gives oneself to the process, or the work, and lets it change them. You will become more self-centered, and that is overdue.
CHARGE, Girl!!!!!!!!!!!

[mellowgator]

your brother-n-law sounds like a real idiot. you have enough on your plate. i wouldn't let their issues take up your time and energy.

you can do this. i know you can. rev your engine mcwriter it's your time to shine!

[pinkcloud]

hi mcwriter

one thing i have learnt....people whom ar not able to keep people in their life..resort to keeping them out of fear, manipulation, guilt...all sorts.

maybe he asks your hubby how to avoid further damage...so he can make sure he aggrivate things further.

i believe people who get some personal gain by illness, for attention maybe, will contine to be ill so they can keep that attention rolling in. Any attention is better for some people than nothing at all.

His girlfriend sure knows by now what hes like, your family put up with his behaviour too, hes got no incentive to do the hard work it requires to drop destructful behavior..because hes already got what he wants in life...you people in it.

Who knows? maybe he looks at your hubby and thinks 'whow, look all the love, care and attention he gets from his beautiful wife..i bet thats the secret to a long lasting relationship?' Maybe he wouldnt associate the fact its your husbands personality why you are together....

just think how great your art works going to be...all these emotions displayed, maybe do a piece for a carers support charity, displaying everythnig in one art piece. when theres no hope another will change, we got to change how we are with that person..and going upstairs to produce art to bring out all them frustrating emotions will help others who view it, for them to understand other carers feel this too..who knows, you hubby may think this is a great idea and join in too. its like you in-law is your model to draw..except his psonality is captured..instead of his body.

[isobar]

Sometimes after you put effort into trying to help people and they keep doing the same thing then maybe , just maybe ....... you need to step back and let them live their life on their terms. You need to realize who people are ...... maybe conclude they are happy with life as it is. That woman stays in abusive relationships for a reason and she may not even know why !!!! The brother is use to leaning on hubby that's the nature of the relationship dynamic. Have you ever thought that they may not want to change ?