4 replies to this topic

[LeviM]

Hi guys, I don't post here very often but I read the forums on a regular basis. I was reading tonight when I decided to post about a topic that's been weighing on my mind for a few months.

I am a C7-C8 quad with limited hand, wrist and triceps function but have some sensation still around T1-T2. Up until January I was living in an assisted living facility in Houston Texas. In January I made a move from Houston Texas to Delmar Maryland to be with a woman I have been seeing long distance for the past several years. This is where things get uncomfortable. I've been divorced since a year after my injury (8yrs ago)and I've always had the belief that to enter a relationship would be placing a huge burden on the person. I manage to do a lot of things independently but I still require a great deal of help with random things. I always assumed I would remain single because I swore I'd never be able to deal with the guilt of becoming someones burden.

It wasn't such a big deal when my relationship was long distance, as she never had to lift a finger but now that I'm here with her I worry. I care very deeply for her and intend to marry her. I feel very fortunate to have found someone that isn't put off by my SCI and other health issues and loves me for me. Shes a pot of gold. She cares for me with great compassion and tries her best to see things from my perspective. I couldn't have met a more perfect person in the world.

I realize that there's not much about our relationship that is "normal" but we get each other well enough to compensate enough to keep each other happy. I keep trying to encourage myself not to get hung up on the whole "being a burden" thing, and also remind myself that had I denied her my love I would be cheating her out of happiness as well. She reminds me often that she knew what she was getting into and that it bothers me more then it does her. I just have to build a bridge and get over it in the end. Shes happy, I'm happy, so what is there to fix? Nothing.

I vow to do my very best to not let this line of thinking interfere with our relationship as I'm sure time will help ease the awkwardness.

Any of you go through this type of thinking with your first post SCI relationship?

[Simba]

Here's an interesting question for you in return Levi - Why did you start feeling that you were a 'burden' in the first place?

In my experience people often tend to feel that way about themselves because that's the way that others have made them feel. In my husband's case it was his family labelling him for years as a burden something which he is still recovering from as it comes up time to time still. I am his thrid post SCI relationship, one died and two divorces in over 30 years. You got the right attitude, nothing to fix here. It worries him more than me too honestly.

Wish you two well with your relationship & a happy future together.

[pinkcloud]

hi leviM

sci life....is our new 'normal' i believe.

Your lady, well shes met you post-sci, that means she dosnt compare you to how you used to be.

A lot like we may say 'i hate not being able to last so long in the sack....when i was 18 i would go all night'. When we are in our 50's.....well new partners at 50 dont compare you to an 18 year old...and if they do, well they need to go and date an 18 year old instead.

If your lady tells you that you are not a burden...trust her - to tell her she is wrong may be interpreted as you are saying you dont trust her to know her own mind.

Hows about saying 'right heres the real deal' and explain all the nasty stuff of sci to her and saying 'if it gets too much, please do say...i'm a man, your a lady and sci lives with us....think of the injury as an annoying horrid relative in ya life...think of your body has doing its real best to cope with the injury. A lot like 'love the person...dont like some of their behaviour'.

You sound as the type of bloke who liked to help others and I wonder did you ever find this a burden? I'm guessing not....its role reversal time in life..maybe .let someone else give you, what you have always given to others.

Itsss haarrrdddd,, it took me ages to learn to be real independant in life..to hand that over to another...scary. because they can leave anytime they like...and then we have to learn to be independant all over again. Does that feeling ever go away? I dont know...not yet for me.

All the best together

[LeviM]

Simba, on 06 August 2011 - 05:56 AM, said:

Here's an interesting question for you in return Levi - Why did you start feeling that you were a 'burden' in the first place?

In my experience people often tend to feel that way about themselves because that's the way that others have made them feel. In my husband's case it was his family labelling him for years as a burden something which he is still recovering from as it comes up time to time still. I am his thrid post SCI relationship, one died and two divorces in over 30 years. You got the right attitude, nothing to fix here. It worries him more than me too honestly.

Wish you two well with your relationship & a happy future together.

I can definitely identify where the root of the whole thought process of being a burden originated from. Guess that's something I'll have to work through as your husband is. At this point I find it hard to believe that most caregivers don't feel the way, but atlas you show me it's not. I guess it just means I have more to work through then I would expect. Thank you for redirecting my thoughts about that, kind of an eye opener for sure.

pinkcloud, on 06 August 2011 - 06:37 AM, said:

hi leviM

sci life....is our new 'normal' i believe.

Your lady, well shes met you post-sci, that means she dosnt compare you to how you used to be.

A lot like we may say 'i hate not being able to last so long in the sack....when i was 18 i would go all night'. When we are in our 50's.....well new partners at 50 dont compare you to an 18 year old...and if they do, well they need to go and date an 18 year old instead.

If your lady tells you that you are not a burden...trust her - to tell her she is wrong may be interpreted as you are saying you dont trust her to know her own mind.

Hows about saying 'right heres the real deal' and explain all the nasty stuff of sci to her and saying 'if it gets too much, please do say...i'm a man, your a lady and sci lives with us....think of the injury as an annoying horrid relative in ya life...think of your body has doing its real best to cope with the injury. A lot like 'love the person...dont like some of their behaviour'.

You sound as the type of bloke who liked to help others and I wonder did you ever find this a burden? I'm guessing not....its role reversal time in life..maybe .let someone else give you, what you have always given to others.

Itsss haarrrdddd,, it took me ages to learn to be real independant in life..to hand that over to another...scary. because they can leave anytime they like...and then we have to learn to be independant all over again. Does that feeling ever go away? I dont know...not yet for me.

All the best together

You bring up a lot of good points, Ones I hadn't thought of in regard to myself. Now had someone else made the same kind of post I did I would have said the same thing you did. Isn't it funny how when looking at our own issues some of us tend to think in a polar opposite way?

[wheeliebear75]

My injury isn't as high as yours & yet I still feel like "I'm a burden" from time to time. I know that for MYSELF much of it has to do with previous relationships; the boy I was seeing prior to getting hurt stuck around for the rehab portion & was encouraging during THAT, MY best wasn't good enough for HIM because he felt a woman's duty was to take care of her kids AND her MAN...then I ended up with a couple of those "Hey look at me, aren't I WONDERFUL for lowering my standards to be with her?". I've also had my ex-husband use my brain injury against me; to do things like intentionally give me multi-part instructions...I do NOT do well with those, I do ONE thing at a time, & I'm slower to learn where its almost like RE-learning all over again to make me feel stupid, & used the TBI & a couple DUMB things I did EARLY on BEFORE understanding how to work WITH the new brain vs. against/the old way the brain worked.

NOW I have TRUE LOVE! We were friends for a long long time & he'd seen me go through everything from the abusive "Take care of ME!" husband, to the other jerks. BECAUSE he's known me for so long he really does KNOW what he was taking on when he took ME. He doesn't expect me to help him with much but is grateful when I am able to. He knows that there will be a lot of postponed dates & events/gatherings we missed altogether. He is patient with me even when I've COMPLETELY lost MINE (like teaching me how to use my new cell phone).

Some people are just more naturally caring & deep down inside they've got an inner drive that makes them want to help others. The same people who would've considered the health-care field for the CARE portion of the job description. I know my B/F's mom had some major health issues that started getting bad when he was a teenager; so he saw his dad sticking by his mom through thick & thin, & my B/F would take care of his mom when his dad was at work. I wish that his mom hadn't fallen ill & was still with us today, but in a way I think in part her illness is what helped make my B/F such a compassionate man (well that & his parents were extremely kind & generous folks).