20 replies to this topic

[goose]

Today 25 years ago my life turned upside down. I was 24 ,newly married,loved my job,had bought my first house and a brand new convertible sports car. Life was good until....a car accident.

I came to and realized that something was wrong and really wrong.. I couldn't move anything or feel anything below my neck. I was scarred until I saw everyone around me look horrified. That's when I put on my brave face and reassured them I was fine and all would be okay. I was mostly trying to convince myself but didn't want them to worry either.

I've never given this date any recognition. I didn't think it deserved it. This year is different for many reasons. First, I have now spent more years in a wheelchair than as an AB. I turned 25 while at Shepherd Spinal Center...not the place I envisioned celebrating my birthday. Secondly, while there a good friend was diagnosed with cancer. My brain weighed the pros and cons of cancer vs. SCI. My conclusion was cancer had to be easier to deal with. I know that was a selfish result but at the time the only thing working was my mind. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I had lost ALL my independence and dignity too. I know there are a handful on here that can relate to that feeling. Well since then , I too had to hear those words' you have cancer'. I have beat it twice but my friend lost her battle this year. I guess you may be wondering if my conclusion would be different now. From my experience, both are hard but SCI is a daily struggle.

I can now use my arms but not my hands. I've learned to be creative and have surprised myself at some of the things I can now do. I still miss my life of being independent. Some days are good while some are bad but I remind myself that it true for everyone. We have to make the choice to be happy. We don't have the luxury of leaving our bodies behind to enjoy a vacation or even one day off. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm stuck in this body and really have to work hard to keep my sanity. I think I'm a positive person but I know it's a cover up some of the time. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want the chance to feel as normal as I can .

This day has been harder than I anticipated. I spent my 25th birthday with fellow SCIers and now I'm sharing this with all of you. I only joined this forum this March but feel like I've made some good friends. It has been nice having other people who have a clue as what's going on. We have to stick together and be there for each other. Thanks Simon for giving us a safe place to come where we can be real and we can let down our guard.

Thanks to another friend who encouraged me to write this. I did it...thanks to you!!!

[Tetracyclone]

thanks for writing

[Smileyblue]

Congratulations on making it this far.. And I'm not just speaking of the years..

[KayDub]

Thanks for sharing goose. I don't have nearly your level of loss but found this to be really well written and candid. I remember right after I first got sick waking up in the middle of the night having a panic attack about not being able to jump out of bed. That's when I first realised the "feeling trapped" idea. But 25 years and you're still here being wonderful. And beating cancer! You rock star!

[Millard]

Hi Goose,


I bet you went through what all of us did...wishing we had died in our accidents. Many of the things you say sort of hit home. I lost a friend (para) last year and another four years ago. They were both long time injuries and had adjusted well. They both had blood clots during surgery. It is also amazing at the way we quads figure out how to do things. I just celebrated noted my 44th anniversary of my injury last month. I can barely remember being an AB.


Keep going and enjoying life while you can.

[coffeecups]

Thank you for sharing. I know that trapped feeling. I've not lived with it nearly as long. But I remember crying at night because my head itched and i couldnt scratch it. Or like Kay, hyperventalating over being stuck in bed when you are sick in the middle of the night. But it is encouraging to hear you share. You've made it.

[andypandy17]

goose, on 13 August 2011 - 09:31 AM, said:

Today 25 years ago my life turned upside down. I was 24 ,newly married,loved my job,had bought my first house and a brand new convertible sports car. Life was good until....a car accident.

I came to and realized that something was wrong and really wrong.. I couldn't move anything or feel anything below my neck. I was scarred until I saw everyone around me look horrified. That's when I put on my brave face and reassured them I was fine and all would be okay. I was mostly trying to convince myself but didn't want them to worry either.

I've never given this date any recognition. I didn't think it deserved it. This year is different for many reasons. First, I have now spent more years in a wheelchair than as an AB. I turned 25 while at Shepherd Spinal Center...not the place I envisioned celebrating my birthday. Secondly, while there a good friend was diagnosed with cancer. My brain weighed the pros and cons of cancer vs. SCI. My conclusion was cancer had to be easier to deal with. I know that was a selfish result but at the time the only thing working was my mind. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I had lost ALL my independence and dignity too. I know there are a handful on here that can relate to that feeling. Well since then , I too had to hear those words' you have cancer'. I have beat it twice but my friend lost her battle this year. I guess you may be wondering if my conclusion would be different now. From my experience, both are hard but SCI is a daily struggle.

I can now use my arms but not my hands. I've learned to be creative and have surprised myself at some of the things I can now do. I still miss my life of being independent. Some days are good while some are bad but I remind myself that it true for everyone. We have to make the choice to be happy. We don't have the luxury of leaving our bodies behind to enjoy a vacation or even one day off. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm stuck in this body and really have to work hard to keep my sanity. I think I'm a positive person but I know it's a cover up some of the time. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want the chance to feel as normal as I can .

This day has been harder than I anticipated. I spent my 25th birthday with fellow SCIers and now I'm sharing this with all of you. I only joined this forum this March but feel like I've made some good friends. It has been nice having other people who have a clue as what's going on. We have to stick together and be there for each other. Thanks Simon for giving us a safe place to come where we can be real and we can let down our guard.

Thanks to another friend who encouraged me to write this. I did it...thanks to you!!!

Sending you some well deserved hugs for everything from the UK

[Ayo]

Thanks for sharing here, i bet it there are lot of people out there who this your story will inspire and encourage in a very big way... Great and brave of you to have made it this far, one of the big lesson i learnt is never to give up no matter what one is passing through, rather find a way of adjusting to what is on hand at the moment. Sulking, feeling dejected and being depressed will only add to problem it will never solve it... Keep hope alive and keep the flag flying, ALL IS WELL!

[rue2you]

Goose -

What a beautiful tribute to a life changing event. Our SCI's have not only changed our bodies but our perspectives, attitudes, relationships...and really every little tiny thing. I am sorry that your day was rough for you but I am glad you turned to writing and sharing your heart. Thank you for letting us share this day with you! You are an encouragement to many people so that "brave" act you pull off has not been in vain. However, letting is know you have bad days is real too so thank you for that. Much love and prayers from Ohio are sent your way!!

[Ginny]

Wow, you are amazing! Yes, I think it's good to celebrate life and I'm glad you're here to do just that.

[Soryfam]

It's wonderful to hear such a good point of view from someone who has had an SCI for 25 years. I aspire to be in your state of mind when I am 25 years out.

Sandy

[mellowgator]

hi goose,

our stories are so very similar. i was injured 25 years ago at the age of 25. and was also in an automobile accident. i had only been married 2 weeks. i also had a great job and a great life. i was working as an auditor and wrecked christmas eve. i don't focus on my injury and paralyzed body. i really don't want my injury to define me.

life as a quad isn't easy. can't escape. but we have the choice to be happy and live a good life with the ones we love.

my hats off to you. sister quad!

[bongorum]

Before becoming a member here I was labouring under the misconception that because of my injury, and all the horror stories of fatal bedsores, pneumonia, resistant infections, etcetera, a drastically shortened lifespan was a realistic expectation. But after becoming a member and reading about mellowgator and a few others here, I realized how little I knew about what I should expect in terms of longevity. Now I read that Millard has spent forty plus in a chair, I find myself having to re-think the possibilities all over again. I won't delude myself, though, into believing that the difference between the healthcare of a third world cesspool of a country like mine and a developed country such as America or Britain is not a significant factor in determining lifespan, nevertheless it makes me believe I'm not really half as fragile as I was previously given to think I was. You long-timers are certainly an inspiration.

Edited by bongorum, 13 August 2011 - 11:55 PM.

[rue2you]

bongorum, on 13 August 2011 - 11:45 PM, said:

Before becoming a member here I was labouring under the misconception that because of my injury, and all the horror stories of fatal bedsores, pneumonia, resistant infections, etcetera, a drastically shortened lifespan was a realistic expectation. But after becoming a member and reading about mellowgator and a few others here, I realized how little I knew about what I should expect in terms of longevity. Now I read that Millard has spent forty plus in a chair, I find myself having to re-think the possibilities all over again. I won't delude myself, though, into believing that the difference between the healthcare of a third world cesspool of a country like mine and a developed country such as America or Britain is not a significant factor in determining lifespan, nevertheless it makes me believe I'm not really half as fragile as I was previously given to think I was. You long-timers are certainly an inspiration.

Way to go Bongo!! Now there is some positive thinking I like to hear!! You will live longer and better with that kind of attitude!

[Soryfam]

bongorum, on 13 August 2011 - 11:45 PM, said:

Before becoming a member here I was labouring under the misconception that because of my injury, and all the horror stories of fatal bedsores, pneumonia, resistant infections, etcetera, a drastically shortened lifespan was a realistic expectation. But after becoming a member and reading about mellowgator and a few others here, I realized how little I knew about what I should expect in terms of longevity. Now I read that Millard has spent forty plus in a chair, I find myself having to re-think the possibilities all over again. I won't delude myself, though, into believing that the difference between the healthcare of a third world cesspool of a country like mine and a developed country such as America or Britain is not a significant factor in determining lifespan, nevertheless it makes me believe I'm not really half as fragile as I was previously given to think I was. You long-timers are certainly an inspiration.

This is how I feel too. I was operating under the assumption that my life would indeed be severely shortened. The people here have given me a better perspective.

Sandy

[Terrible Texan]

goose, on 13 August 2011 - 09:31 AM, said:

Today 25 years ago my life turned upside down. I was 24 ,newly married,loved my job,had bought my first house and a brand new convertible sports car. Life was good until....a car accident.

I came to and realized that something was wrong and really wrong.. I couldn't move anything or feel anything below my neck. I was scarred until I saw everyone around me look horrified. That's when I put on my brave face and reassured them I was fine and all would be okay. I was mostly trying to convince myself but didn't want them to worry either.

I've never given this date any recognition. I didn't think it deserved it. This year is different for many reasons. First, I have now spent more years in a wheelchair than as an AB. I turned 25 while at Shepherd Spinal Center...not the place I envisioned celebrating my birthday. Secondly, while there a good friend was diagnosed with cancer. My brain weighed the pros and cons of cancer vs. SCI. My conclusion was cancer had to be easier to deal with. I know that was a selfish result but at the time the only thing working was my mind. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I had lost ALL my independence and dignity too. I know there are a handful on here that can relate to that feeling. Well since then , I too had to hear those words' you have cancer'. I have beat it twice but my friend lost her battle this year. I guess you may be wondering if my conclusion would be different now. From my experience, both are hard but SCI is a daily struggle.

I can now use my arms but not my hands. I've learned to be creative and have surprised myself at some of the things I can now do. I still miss my life of being independent. Some days are good while some are bad but I remind myself that it true for everyone. We have to make the choice to be happy. We don't have the luxury of leaving our bodies behind to enjoy a vacation or even one day off. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm stuck in this body and really have to work hard to keep my sanity. I think I'm a positive person but I know it's a cover up some of the time. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want the chance to feel as normal as I can .

This day has been harder than I anticipated. I spent my 25th birthday with fellow SCIers and now I'm sharing this with all of you. I only joined this forum this March but feel like I've made some good friends. It has been nice having other people who have a clue as what's going on. We have to stick together and be there for each other. Thanks Simon for giving us a safe place to come where we can be real and we can let down our guard.

Thanks to another friend who encouraged me to write this. I did it...thanks to you!!!

Goose, well said U well written. i completely understand what u mean & how u feel. its a daily struggle for us all But your right, we have to try to stay strong & keep a smile on our face.

Happy unhappy anniversary

[Terrible Texan]

goose, on 13 August 2011 - 09:31 AM, said:

Today 25 years ago my life turned upside down. I was 24 ,newly married,loved my job,had bought my first house and a brand new convertible sports car. Life was good until....a car accident.

I came to and realized that something was wrong and really wrong.. I couldn't move anything or feel anything below my neck. I was scarred until I saw everyone around me look horrified. That's when I put on my brave face and reassured them I was fine and all would be okay. I was mostly trying to convince myself but didn't want them to worry either.

I've never given this date any recognition. I didn't think it deserved it. This year is different for many reasons. First, I have now spent more years in a wheelchair than as an AB. I turned 25 while at Shepherd Spinal Center...not the place I envisioned celebrating my birthday. Secondly, while there a good friend was diagnosed with cancer. My brain weighed the pros and cons of cancer vs. SCI. My conclusion was cancer had to be easier to deal with. I know that was a selfish result but at the time the only thing working was my mind. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I had lost ALL my independence and dignity too. I know there are a handful on here that can relate to that feeling. Well since then , I too had to hear those words' you have cancer'. I have beat it twice but my friend lost her battle this year. I guess you may be wondering if my conclusion would be different now. From my experience, both are hard but SCI is a daily struggle.

I can now use my arms but not my hands. I've learned to be creative and have surprised myself at some of the things I can now do. I still miss my life of being independent. Some days are good while some are bad but I remind myself that it true for everyone. We have to make the choice to be happy. We don't have the luxury of leaving our bodies behind to enjoy a vacation or even one day off. Wouldn't that be nice? I'm stuck in this body and really have to work hard to keep my sanity. I think I'm a positive person but I know it's a cover up some of the time. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want the chance to feel as normal as I can .

This day has been harder than I anticipated. I spent my 25th birthday with fellow SCIers and now I'm sharing this with all of you. I only joined this forum this March but feel like I've made some good friends. It has been nice having other people who have a clue as what's going on. We have to stick together and be there for each other. Thanks Simon for giving us a safe place to come where we can be real and we can let down our guard.

Thanks to another friend who encouraged me to write this. I did it...thanks to you!!!

Goose, well said U well written. i completely understand what u mean & how u feel. its a daily struggle for us all But your right, we have to try to stay strong & keep a smile on our face.

Happy unhappy anniversary

[goose]

Well guys this day is almost over! I'm not quite sure why it hit me like a ton of bricks because in the past this day was never acknowledged by me. As hard as it was today, I can honestly say it was no comparation to 25 years ago. I'm glad those days are behind me.

Thanks and many more thanks for all the support and understanding that has poured my way today. Even though we all have had different injuries and experienced different emotions, we still can relate to each other in some way. We've all suffered some form of lost...some more than others.I can honestly say my heart goes out to every newly injuried person. I can still feel EVERY emotion that I went though 25 years ago. That pain is real and never has left my mind.

I feel so lucky to be able to move my arms. That movement has allowed me freedom that I was so scared was gone forever. When I think of the ones who can't move their arms, I know they are the true brave ones. They are my heros!!! We should never take anything for granted. Each day we have the opportunity to be a blessing to someone....don't let it slip pass you. A simple smile can mean so much to someone hurting or in pain. Try it you never know whose day will be made better.

Someone told me I was a good rambler...I guess I am. Thanks for all the private messages. They really meant alot to me and put a smile on my face! I hope I can return the favor some day.


Well, it's over. Aug. 14th has arrived!!!
Thanks you guys...I survived!

Edited by goose, 14 August 2011 - 04:08 AM.

[isobar]

Hi,



Life's toll on some people seems so unfair when compared to other 's ordeals , the way they live , the things they have and many in far better health , which is really true wealth in so many ways. You said a lot here and your life circumstance most definitely is heavily steeped , trying and at the least a load none would want to bare. Like you said we are physically powerless to escape our bodies the only vehicle lies in the power of the mind. Another thing your bring to light is SCI may not be the only serious health issue life has in store for you nobody knows what's head of them but you surely know what's behind you. I'm glad you beat cancer and i hope you always will ...... wish i had more to offer instead of these words.

[goose]

I'm happy to report I'm back to 'normal'!!! These last few weeks I've let that date sit heavily on my mind. It was consuming me and pulling me down into a place of darkness. I've never been a depressed person before and I was struggling to avoid it this time. I'm just thankful I was able to unbottle the emotions and move on. I learned a valuable lesson....never let a date have that much power over you. After all it's just a number.


Thanks you guys for all the compassion and understanding.

[pinkcloud]

goose

you already know i think you are a top chick.

fecking heck 25 years of sci....if i make coping that long it will be down to you and others like your's help

and you had cancer on top, equally you have/lost friends with cancer...painful dont describe that i believe....and here you are, 25 years on.....placing yaself in another area of pain....as you get to know, help and deal with us with sci....some of us you may loose.

cancer has a lot of support....sci, not really.......i was just advancing meself to work in oncology..i never found it depressing, heck i'd get paid shite money to hold the hand so they aint alone....i did when i wa a hospital patient too...me old bosses said 'nooo....its awful, hearing people begging for pain relief..theres nothing to help them'...to me..its their pain..not mine, their time of grief..not mine

and this goose..well i feel you do this too. i dont feel special for being like this..to me its giving back what i get from society....others doing so...you...then this is special.

and i thank you