15 replies to this topic

[DDG]

My uncle had a complete spinal cord injury 3 months ago and left rehab last week. Since he left rehab, he has mostly just been in bed, watching TV. I offered to massage his legs and feet but he refused. Ideally, he should be getting massaged DAILY, right? I can do it three times a week and would be happy to do so. I am worried about his skin health and am afraid he will end up with bed sores. He has always been the type of person to refuse help - not in a bad way but just not to inconvenience other people. In general, I don't want to FORCE anything on him, but, well, in this case, I do. Where do I draw the line between "respecting" him and doing what's best for him? What recommendations do you have for me to approach him? Thanks for any suggestions.

[wheeliebear75]

Well I don't know that I'd go so far as to say "we need massaging on a regular basis" although it can help with blood flow. If he's just staying in bed watching TV all day then that's not a HEALTHY way to spend our lives SCI OR AB. But I think we also have to go through a certain grieving for our old lives the important thing as that you're more stubborn than he is; that you'll still be that woodpecker thumping away "lets go out" "lets get some sun" "lets do lunch", & hopefully be a reminder that people are more fun than reruns.

[DDG]

Thanks, Wheeliebear. I think maybe I was pushing him a little bit - he does need some time to grieve and be a little sad, I guess. I just don't want the NEXT worst thing to happen. I *will* try again, though. Speaking of stubborn.

[wheeliebear75]

He does need to be careful all that laying around in bed doesn't create any sores & if he isn't married & therefore having his wife check it wouldn't hurt to have a nephew checking to make sure IF he gets any sores they're caught early.

How long it takes for him to start working on the LIFE with SCI is going to be 75% dependent on HIM & the other 25% will be factors such as network/support system he has (friends/family, church, clubs or work) obviously the less opportunities to get out & become active again the more he'll tend to dwell on the negatives.

I think like myself probably most people at a certain point just come to realize that being angry about what you've lost or depressed over what you had yesterday doesn't help worth a lick today so may as well get on with planning tomorrow (LIFE post SCI requires a bit of advanced planning....so I just pretend EVERYTHING is a shin-dig! )

[LeahC]

Come massage me!

[qbounce]

I NEVER got massaged . . . . sheeesh, I feel neglected!

But, I did get stretched often to help keep my range of motion and spasms manageable.

[Denna]

Massage is great for the body and mind, I should know sense I went to school for it, but nagging him about it will only turn him off to the idea. Maybe drag him out of the house for a professional massage would be good. I try and get one once a week. He doesnt have to have one everyday. Also I dont know if your doing it or not but my mother and grandmother does it to me, try not to act like massage is a cure for SCI. For some reason My family has got it in their head that if I get one it will make me walk again so that whole mindset really doesnt want me to go out and get one. Way to much pressure. Massage is for you to feel better about yourself physically and mentally.
Sorry if this is random and all over the place. I'm great with massage but suck at writing.

[DDG]

Thank you all for your input, even for the requests for a massage. ;) I am by NO means an experience masseuse but I CAN circulate some blood and help him stretch at least. Denna, you're right - I'll try not to nag him about it... too much. And you kind of hit the nail on the head - I HAVE been thinking that if his blood and tissue in his legs/ feet are healthy, it would REALLY help when he's ready to stand/ walk .. I guess I haven't come to terms with the idea that he may never walk again. :o/

[DDG]

Kind of on the same vein ... if I ask if he wants or needs something, he always says, "No, I'm good. No no, I don't need anything." I could be offering a massage, food, a drink, to turn him on his side, to change the channel, whatever! He is the kind of person who can be dying on the road and not want to inconvenience someone by asking for help. I'm afraid that if I wait for him to ask, something might already be wrong.

Often I feel that I am sitting on the sidelines, saying "What's wrong? How can I help you??" instead of actually helping. In fact, this is exactly what's happening.

As you can tell, I'm VERY new to this and I am not naturally a caregiver. I don't have any kids (just a dog) and I have an office job - so I don't really have to take care of anyone. How do I nurture my caregiving instincts, if they are fact there at all??

Thanks for any replies.

Sincerely,
DDG

Edited by DDG, 21 August 2011 - 06:46 AM.

[Smileyblue]

DDG you need to relax.. You worry too much.. ;-)

Try to treat your uncle the same as you did before.. Spend time with him, doing what you used to do (BBQ, watching sport/TV, etc) and just enjoy his company for a while.. He might be picking up how differently you are treating him and refusing your efforts because of independence issues.. Leave him in control.. You might find that if you focus on doing things with him, and ignore the "care" side (unless its SERIOUS or life-threatening) that he may start to "let you in"..

I really hope you can get through to him.. Good luck.. ;-)

[DDG]

Smileyblue, on 21 August 2011 - 10:12 AM, said:

DDG you need to relax.. You worry too much.. ;-)

Try to treat your uncle the same as you did before.. Spend time with him, doing what you used to do (BBQ, watching sport/TV, etc) and just enjoy his company for a while.. He might be picking up how differently you are treating him and refusing your efforts because of independence issues.. Leave him in control.. You might find that if you focus on doing things with him, and ignore the "care" side (unless its SERIOUS or life-threatening) that he may start to "let you in"..

I really hope you can get through to him.. Good luck.. ;-)

Haha, great advice! Thanks!!!

[nomis]

Rather than ASKING your uncle if he wants things you could rephrase it and say that YOU WANT to give him a massage and is he OK with that? Then respect his reply.

[mellowgator]

he needs range of motion every day.

[wheeliebear75]

Smileyblue, on 21 August 2011 - 10:12 AM, said:

DDG you need to relax.. You worry too much.. ;-)

Try to treat your uncle the same as you did before.. Spend time with him, doing what you used to do (BBQ, watching sport/TV, etc) and just enjoy his company for a while.. He might be picking up how differently you are treating him and refusing your efforts because of independence issues.. Leave him in control.. You might find that if you focus on doing things with him, and ignore the "care" side (unless its SERIOUS or life-threatening) that he may start to "let you in"..

I really hope you can get through to him.. Good luck.. ;-)

Very well said.

mellowgator, on 22 August 2011 - 05:17 PM, said:

he needs range of motion every day.

Yeah VERY GOOD POINT...he does need to do the RoM every day cuz it is a lot easier to keep the joints & limbs from locking up in the 1st place than trying to get them unlocked (in extreme cases it requires surgery to get them moving again).

[wheeliebear75]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here.....you're already wearing the CARE-giver hat. You've been CONCERNED ABOUT HIM. You've been TRYING to get him to do something aside from laying there.

As to the hope of him walking again.....it's always best to assume they wont ESPECIALLY being ASIA A....IF some miracle cure comes along great, but thus-far sadly the stem-cell treatments are found by many to be nothing more than a VERY high dollar modern day snake-oil.

Increasing the blood flow may not help us walk BUT that is NOT to say that it doesn't have some VERY REAL benefits (don't push him but on the other hand perhaps at some point he may be willing). WE have decreased blood circulation which is part of why we don't heal cuts & bruises as well below our injuries. Also with a good massage blood clots can be minimized (it is NOT a replacement for the blood thinners if a person is more prone to them) SOMEWHAT.

[DDG]

Thanks again! I know I'm a freaker-outter. Haha. Yes, I will try to relax and have a more casual approach. And I'm trying to get my mindset more in tune with reality .. with the walking and all .. it's just so new to my family - we're all still in shock.

I appreciate all the great responses. This is obviously an awesome community.