21 replies to this topic

[Kelsey]

Whilst I have been in hospital and slowly recovering from my injury, I have had a temporary contractor working within my team at work. Last Friday was her last day and she wanted me and a group of friends from work to get together for a night out in town.

My first thought was, yeah, no problem, I can do that!!

Slowly, as Friday approached I realised that it would be the first time that I had been in to the town since my injury.

Luckily, my two daughters came too as I just thought that the extra support from them might be worthwhile. Hubby dropped us off in town and we headed up to the pub that everybody was meeting at. As my daughter pushed me up the street to the pub, and I saw the bouncers outside the door, my heart started racing. OMG, can I do this, I thought? Ok, I get through the door and I feel like the whole pub is staring at me. One of my daughters said to me, come on mum, take a deep breath, you know you can do this.

My friends were great, and were obviously looking out for me. They soon gathered around my chair and started chattering amongst each other. It was such a strange feeling. I felt as if I was there but I wasn't if that makes any sense. They were trying so hard to include me, but as I was out of their line of vision, it became obvious that they couldnt' continue to include me for long.

I was really worried about my catheter bag that was hiding under my maxi dress. I leant down and felt down my leg. Omg, I thought, its full!!! Only had one rum and coke! One of my daughters asked the barmaid where was the disabled toilet. She said it must be here somewhere. I had a little chuckle to myself about her comments. Out I go through the goods in doors at the back of the pub, through some dirty old store room and low and behold, here is the disabled toilet. Yuk, it was grim, but I had to use it.

Bag emptied and back through to join the group. Tried really hard to hear what they were all talking about, but it was so noisy in there, I had a real job.

All of a sudden, we were off. Apparently we were going to another pub. Some of the group thought they would like to push me, but I was really worried as they had quite a bit to drink and I was being pushed all over place.

Get to the new pub and find a really large concrete step that was going to be impossible for me to get up in my chair. Some of the group went inside but a few, including my daughers decided to go elsewhere.

I felt that it was my fault that the group was split up. We then went to another pub, and as we approached the entrance, I was concerned about the welcome we would be getting.

As I thought, it was another disaster. A large flight of stairs was facing us. One of the bouncers turned to my daugher, totally ignoring me and told us to go around the back if we really wanted to get in!!

I told me girls to leave me outside, but they weren't having any of that. As they wheeled me through the bar, passed the live band, I felt as if everything was closing in on me. Eyes were everywhere and I felt so in the way.

To cut a long story short,as I am rambling now, after 15 mins I decided enough was enough. I phoned hubby and told him to come and get me.

The night did teach me something though. I am not going to be going out with friends into town again. Everything was so different and so alien. Just not like it was before. As I sat in the car on the way home, the flood gates opened and I sobbed my heart out all the way home.

It was a real confidence knock and going to take a long time to get over it.

[Ches]

Perfectly natural and completely understandable mentality going on there, well the part about being out. I think we all feel that way as we're trying to get back in the groove of things. I wasnt too excited about going to do anything, but I never let that stop me.. I craved that sense of normalcy and wasnt finding it either.. these days Ive come to realize, although I'll always long to get UP, it just takes some time and experience (getting out and about) to conquer that insecurity. There really isnt much else to it, sit and watch others live, or get out and do some living,, up to you.

[andypandy17]

Hi Kelsey

I can perfectly understand how you feel and to be honest I don't really go out at night myself. I think it stems from being bed-ridden for nearly 2 years. I am fine during the day. Can go anywhere do anything, but once the evening comes I am like a vampire in reverse LOL

I think the only way you are going to get used to going out in the evenings again - thats if you want to, of course you don't have to. Is by just going out and doing it, biting the bullet and just go for it. It will get easier with time but then I am sure there will also be times when there are problems, unfortunately its the nature of the beast from now on.

If you think about it though, it was all how YOU felt and not what anyone really said or did. So it is YOUR hang-ups (dont mean to sound nasty) to deal with and you WILL.

Be strong, suck it up and go for it girl !!!!!!!!!!!!

[ebeth]

I totally understand how you felt. The first time I would go back to some place I had been before the accident, I would be reminded of my disability through the things that were now difficult (eg. steps, narrow isles, general lack of accessibility). It was a very disappointing and frustrating first few years of being a paraplegic. With time though, I learned what did work and what I still can do. Yes, there are some places I can't go, but I've learned what works for me. I still need help with some stuff, like getting things off the top shelf when shopping, but I'm proud of how independent I am. DON'T GIVE UP. Focus on what you can do. Yes, your life has dramatically changed, but life can still be awesome. To quote andypandy17, "go for it girl!!!!"

[Irish Wheelz]

Kelsey, my heart goes out to ya. But don't let this one time experience hold you back. There still is some other stuff to do out there in the world. Sure there is gonna be people staring at ya or giving you a hard time, but who cares about them. It's all about you and how you want to have fun. Bless your daughter for helping you too. As I say again, don't let this ruin your confindence. Hope you can have another fun event without trouble.

[ZEN12many]

Hi Kelsey
I know that the night seemed like a total disaster BUT you made it! You did it! You learned a lot.

Next time out, go with your husband and look for accessible places. Look for places that have tables so "everyone" is sitting with you. Look for places that have accessible and acceptable bathrooms. [Now everyone may be staring at you but that is because, in a wheelchair, you stand (no pun intended) out from the crowd - I'm sure their staring is more curiosity and admiration than anything else].

The next time out with your friends, you will have a list (probably a short list) of places you would like to go (don't feel so bad that they might have to "bend" to fit with your needs - they probably won't mind at all and, really, it is the least they can do].

The second time out is not nearly as scary as the first.

[Soryfam]

As the others have said--you made it! It might have been tough, but you did it. It does get easier as you go on. Evntually you don't give much thought to the fact that you're in a chair. Your family seem to be very supportive and helpful. I know it's hard, but don't discouraged-- it will be easier-honest!

Sandy

[mellowgator]

hi kelsey,

stick to place that have tables instead of barstools. i still go to the old places but i use a barstool as a table and my friends pull up a seat that's my height.

when someone asks you to go out check the accessibilty first and you'll have a better time.


mellowgator

[kiwiquad]

Just a question Kelsey .. could you not push your chair? Looking confident is key - imo

Maybe Initiate a lunch outting...something a bit more low key?

[LeviM]

The first time is always the hardest. You have a good idea of where you can and can't go now, just need to expand the list. Either have someone check the places out for ya or get brave and venture in some time. As the others have said you made it. You survived. Don't let yourself fall into a trap of embarrassment and self doubt. You can do anything you set your mind to, just don't give up.

[wheeliebear75]

Those 1st outings are always difficult.....the same places & the same activities just feel different. Eventually I think we either develop a tougher skin over the years & just don't care anymore about the people staring or we become agoraphobic. But I'd also put my vote on making sure next time the place you go has tables & chairs that way you're all on the same level & mapping out where the accessible places ARE so that if another opportunity to go out with coworkers comes up again you'll already have several places you can suggest if they want to go to a place that has stairs.

I know to you it may not seem that you did all that great now...but for a FIRST outing to me it sounds as though you made it through with flying colors.

Edited by wheeliebear75, 30 August 2011 - 02:04 AM.

[mike13]

Ya know what? F them all. when they are looking, (DO THE CATWALK)Baby
I have just accepted the fact that people stare. remember when we see a train wreck, we know we want to look away but we also want to look.
Just keep trying to go out and DO IT!
It will get easier in time...

[pinkcloud]

Hi.

Simply we want to be treated now - like we was before sci, except its like we had the heel of our shoe broken off and we have to sit down. If we remember that to be in a chair - to a large majority of people is their biggest fear (me included even when i went from walking to needing one) so they can find it hard to see a friend/acquitence pn wheels.

Its very natural to cry..to miss how we once were, how we find friends/acquintences are not whom we thought they are. That hurts bad. I know as the same happened to me. Like 'great, i bet you would have gone to me funeral if i was in a car crash and died one day..yet cant be bothered to see me because ya may feel uncomfortabe with some emotions for a short time'.

Instead of getting all sad anympre, i just think 'i aint being sad at the sci - ashamed/upset with me body - it isnt me body at fault here - its their minds.

Edited by pinkcloud, 30 August 2011 - 03:47 AM.

[Kelsey]

You guys are just fantastic. Your comments and thoughts about my first night out experience have really touched home and made me really think about future trips out.

As most of you say, I think there should be a bit more planning involved before I venture out again.

I'm back in the office this morning and they are all talking about Friday's night out. When I listen to them saying how they couldn't remember where they went, what they had drunk and what they did due to being so pickled, I can have a little chuckle to myself.

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply and share you thoughts.

[greybeard]

Kelsey, on 30 August 2011 - 08:04 AM, said:

I'm back in the office this morning and they are all talking about Friday's night out. When I listen to them saying how they couldn't remember where they went, what they had drunk and what they did due to being so pickled, I can have a little chuckle to myself.

Sounds as though you did yourself a favour by bailing out early.

[Kelsey]

[Tinbasher]

If folks were staring Kelsey it wasn't because you're in a chair :-)

Even after 25 years I still feel as of everyone is gawping at me. I work hard at not accepting being pushed unless its really unavoidable. Try and look confident in my chair and people eventually start to relax around you. Remember that this is a steep learning curve for your friends as well, I bet they couldn't say which pubs and clubs are accessible because they had no need to notice.

Edited by Tinbasher, 30 August 2011 - 11:42 PM.

[Ginny]

First of all, you look darling!

I felt the same as you the first few times I was out after my injury. I thought all eyes were on me, that I was being excluded, that everything was inaccessible, that the world was ending. With time, I found that my friends really want me to be there and will do anything to help me while we're out. Sometimes people just don't know what to do and it helps if we tell them. But, first, we need to learn, ourselves, what would work best.

We all have to go through it. Without those first experiences, we don't have enough information to decide how to handle things in the future. It seems as if your night out was a success. You were brave enough to try several pubs in town and learn which ones are comfortable. With time, you'll try other places and expand your circle.

I don't go to all the places I used to. I haven't been to the Farmers' Market because it's too much walking, too many crowds. But, there are many, many places that I can frequent so I don't mourn the ones that are left behind.

You will find a comfortable way to get out and about, with a little more practice. Don't let this first experience stop you!

[KayDub]

Good for you going out! That's the hardest part. The first few times I tried to go out after I got out of the hospital were hell. Another couple my fiance and I are good friends with have a weekly BBQ. We went to their place and I realised how I couldn't get my chair in or out because of the steps and how small their town home was. My fiance picked me up and set me on a lounge chair. Everyone was trying to be helpful but not being able to move or attend to my own needs made me very uncomfortable. We've tried to have them over for a BBQ at our place but most of the time it just hasn't panned out. The same group was at another couple's house for a BBQ that was much larger and in the backyard. I couldn't get in the house or around the yard and the yard itself was slanted, small, crowded and bumpy. No way I could have my chair. Trying to be nice the hosts told my fiance to carry me in they'd find a chair. He came back to the car and told me that and I almost started crying. The last time I'd been at a party stuck on a chair was so horrible, this BBQ was larger with a lot of friends from work including some of our supervisors. People mean well but they had no idea how demeaning it is to be carried and not be able to move, etc. My fiance and I ended up going and grabbing a drink at a place I could get my chair into.

Other than that, I'm lucky that most of our regular hangouts are more or less accessible (one I can't make it up to the bar because of a step but I can at least go in, get a table, etc.) Though I still was a shut in a lot of the summer because I felt like people looked at me different in the chair and because of meds I couldn't drink much and just that my friends were uncomfortable. Of course my friends didn't see it this way but I did. I also did my first 5 K a few weeks ago. Some old friends were in town and said they had a team for an AIDS walk. I get there only to realise all the people on my team were going to run the 5 K and I only had my bulky hospital chair still and couldn't keep up. I went back with the walkers and at first everyone was staring at me and trying to help me (During the race asking if I needed pushed, etc.) I finally started talking to an older man who didn't make any sort of deal about my chair and had a great time!

Sometimes it's all about putting yourself out there. At first it's hard because people try to help but don't understand accessibility or what it's like to be in a chair. You can't expect them to either, so you have to help guide the way. Like some other people have said, try to find accessible places and make plans to go there. Try to find activities that work for you in your chair and you'll have a blast. If you're up to pushing yourself definitely shows confidence (though my friends have been known to grab the back of my chair and push me around for fun. We established some ground rules after the first night a nice but dense co-worker grabbed my chair and tried to do a trick. I fell out on the pavement after I screamed bloody murder. Not fun.)

Time will help, good luck!

[DannyR]

Keep in my if we were all the same this world would be a boring place to live. We are all special in our own way. We each have something different to contribute. Confidence is hard...it comes with feeling good about yourself. Problem is there are people who only want to knock us down. For a while i took their crap...now if someones stares because I look like an infant when I walk...I stare back...if someone points and laughs...I point back and laugh...if someone thinks they can get over on me because i look weak...then they will have a fight on their hands. I have just as much right to go out as anyone else and refuse to let anything get in my way. My real friends are great and curious about what happened and we talk about it. It helps both of us...I'm just not that comfortable answering strangers questions...but then I never did like people getting in my business or at least getting to personal. Stay strong and active that's how we survive.

[isobar]

I think you should continue to go out ! " Find out in advance" if the place is accessible and roomy enough. What you've experienced was just a part of the growing process / adapting. Though shaken , in time i hope you get back out there again and have some fun. Dont you deserve it? I remember experiences like that !! You know the more you go the less somethings matter ....... get out and be a part of the social set again. After awhile you'll find your groove and fit right in. By the way have a drink on me. Nice photo by the way.

Edited by isobar, 31 August 2011 - 06:43 AM.

[Kelsey]

Thank you so much everyone. I took your advice and comments away and I have just come back from 2 days in North Wales with my mum, daughters and grand-daughter. The reason for the trip was to go back to the beach where we had scattered my dad's ashes.

We did venture out to a restaurant in the evening and luckily everything went well. Not too busy and fairly accessible.

This is me with my grand-daughter just before heading back to our hotel.