24 replies to this topic

[KayDub]

I was on light rail today and rolled on beside another guy in a chair. I always get flustered when I can't get my chair in right away, I feel like I'm holding up the whole train. I usually back in but pulled forward in so I was facing the window and the always present fiance was sitting beside me. The other guy took that as an invitation to say I must be new to being in a chair, I should back in, I have training wheels (my anti-tip bars that are life savers because I don't have enough body mass no matter where I balance myself to stop from flipping backwards when all my law books at in my backpack on my chair, esp on all the ramps around campus) I need to get rid of that and my clothes guards, etc. etc. For the entire ride he gave me a really condescending talk about how my chair should be, what wheelchair sports I should do, what cushion I should have, everything. This was all in between off handed comments of my not knowing any better because I've only been using a chair since May (funny he was only in one since January) He was nice enough don't get me wrong, but some AB people who give "advice" are nice enough too.

Do other people run into this? I wasn't sure if it should irritate me less, but in a way it made me more uncomfortable and unhappy. I felt really patronised, at least AB people just don't know any better. I'm getting over feeling self conscious when I go out from people who are standing, but I never thought I'd be self conscious around other chair users. Goes to show you lack of social skills transcends all people.

(Hope my frequent posts are okay, it just seems like every day it's something different and new I'm trying to wrap my head around)

Edited by KayDub, 02 September 2011 - 03:11 AM.

[greybeard]

Surely it would have been better to tell him that he was annoying you, rather than us.

[isobar]

Goes to show wheel chair users are like the rest , everyone at some point gives unwanted advice. Despite how he made you feel in hind - sight was any of it useful ?

Edited by isobar, 02 September 2011 - 03:28 AM.

[KayDub]

greybeard, on 02 September 2011 - 03:23 AM, said:

Surely it would have been better to tell him that he was annoying you, rather than us.

Good point Greybeard. I was somewhat taken aback at the time to be honest, it'll be a good thing to keep mind if it happens in the future. This post was intended to be a half rant but also as an inquiry. I was hoping this was more of a random encounter or if other people had experiences like this. I'm considering starting a blog to post my ramblings :-p, but I do really get a lot out of the camaraderie, comments and experiences from people here.

[KayDub]

isobar, on 02 September 2011 - 03:28 AM, said:

Goes to show wheel chair users are like the rest , everyone at some point gives unwanted advice. Despite how he made you feel in hind - sight was any of it useful ?

Another really good point and something to think about during these kind of encounters in the future. When he got off the train I was kind of in shock. Think back now, I could see how some of his advice would be potentially useful if 1) he didn't assume I was an absolute idiot who nothing about being in a chair and 2) he'd listened to me. I tried to have a conversation with him, to steer the conversation away from just a lecture, but he really dismissed everything I had to say. I think he could have given me more constructive advice if those had happened.

The biggest thing is I wasn't expecting to get judged so harshly about how I'm in a chair (I push myself, it's still a loaner so it is what it is for now, I don't do any of the big no nos so to speak, etc.) by other people who use chairs. Oh well I'll keep my head up and roll around proudly even with my training wheel anti-tip bars :-)

[jenny407]

KayDub, on 02 September 2011 - 03:11 AM, said:

(Hope my frequent posts are okay, it just seems like every day it's something different and new I'm trying to wrap my head around)

Of course it is, KayDub. This is what a forum is for and what keeps it alive! Do go on posting! I'm sure other people profit from your comments as well as some might feel similar. And this also always the right place to vent if you wish or to ask questions.

greybeard, on 02 September 2011 - 03:23 AM, said:

Surely it would have been better to tell him that he was annoying you, rather than us.

In a pragmatic sense, yes.
On the other hand, I do understand that sometimes one is taken aback and later thinks of what one could have said. (I know it happens for me.) I feel KayDub's post was indeed totally ok, for the reasons she stated herself above.

------------

KayDub: Some people we encounter in life are just idiots and smart-asses. Sad but true. I guess as he has been in a chair since January only, he felt self-conscious in a way and enjoyed the feeling of superiority over you. Being the clever guy just for once! I'm sorry he happened to meet you on his way to self-fullfillment ....

Ignore the idiots and go on being you!

"Oh well I'll keep my head up and roll around proudly even with my training wheel anti-tip bars :-)"

<---- Yes, that's the way to go, girl!


Jenny

Edited by jenny407, 02 September 2011 - 07:28 AM.

[goose]

You know some days we just aren't in the mood for advice and that's okay too....happens to me alot.

[pinkcloud]

hi kaydub

yeap i sure know where ya coming from here.

Reminds me of the little britain tv show ''i'm the only gay in the village' sketch.

Being in a chair dont protect us from them types of 'backseat driver types' who tell us what we ought/should be doing, thinking or feeling.

I tell them to their face 'i enjoy being rubbish at this, and to struggle in life is me favourite past time. As you can see i am great at this skill'..

They love themself for being this way, i just let them carry on..if i was into bursting bubbles i'd get meself loads of bubble wrap to pop.

Edited by pinkcloud, 02 September 2011 - 10:29 AM.

[wheeliebear75]

I think some of us are just born with better "people skills" than others.

Well things like this may or may not happen again....but IF it does you'll be quicker to say something witty & then THEY'LL be the one left at a loss for words.

And IF you're in an OK mood for tips.... there are these mesh things you can get that will make a nice shelf under your chair for some of your heavier books to take off some of the weight. I can't use it with the Quickie XTR cuz the shox housing takes up that space but this mesh cubby thing works for almost all makes & models of MANUAL W/C's.

I'm NOT promoting THE FALLOWING SITE NOR THIS MANUFACTURER.....but this will show you what I'm talking about.

http://www.msolution.../advantage.html

[mellowgator]

kay dub,

this guy was a condensending jerk. what i do when i see something like this coming on, like sitting next to an old lady on the airplane, is i just put on my headphones and listen to my i-pod.i know you were with your finace so perhaps next time the two can just listen to tunes and tune out the know-it-all.



mellowgator

[Millard]

Hi KayDub,

I have been injured much longer than you so my response would have been different. I would let him talk awhile then tell him, "I have been injured 44 years. I have my anti-tips on for a reason, but thanks for your advice anyway." I would then turn my attention to my fiance.

Good luck and study hard. Forget the jerk and just chalk it up to experience.

Edited by Millard, 02 September 2011 - 04:51 PM.

[davjed]

As another old timer in this, I agree with Millard. We learn over time (years) what works best for us and we mainly learn it from ourselves and our experiences. We also learn by watching others in chairs and occasional tips they might give us if presented in and appropriate setting. I think he trapped you in a vulnerable mood and overwhelmed you with what works for him. Pick out what you can use, flush the rest and roll on...........

[Denna]

KayDub, on 02 September 2011 - 04:23 AM, said:

The biggest thing is I wasn't expecting to get judged so harshly about how I'm in a chair (I push myself, it's still a loaner so it is what it is for now, I don't do any of the big no nos so to speak, etc.) by other people who use chairs. Oh well I'll keep my head up and roll around proudly even with my training wheel anti-tip bars :-)

There are No No's! What are they! I didnt know there was rules in living in a chair! Someone should really make a list and post these things!
Sorry you had to deal with that. I dont know what I would have done if it was me. I live in such a small town and I sometimes feel like I'm the only chair user here that isnt old. So I'm hoping I wont have this happen.

[edlee]

Kay,,, you get some of the same stuff HERE. It's not generally an intentional slight,,,, just how some people come across. I make a sincere effort,, both in my posts and in my personal life,, to make sure everyone concerned knows that what i'm stating are just MY opinions,, not facts. Not everyone does. I don't see it as a fault,, but as a different style of communication.

This guy,,, having less than five months "in chair" on you,,, may have really been trying to be helpful. He didn't have experience enough to understand just how different we all are. He will learn,, eventually.

As for you,,, easy to say,, hard to do, sometimes,,,,, but,,, chil !!! You will,, through out your life,, run into plenty of people,, just like this. Some will truly be idiots,,,, but some,, tho this may be hard to believe right now,,, will be wonderful people who simply lack a certain grace with strangers. They might even make good friends,,,,, he did,, after all,,,, try to give you what he considered to be good advice.
ed

[allis53ca]

wow...the whole time on the train, you acted like you appreciated MY advice...i'm never talking to another crip on train/bus again...sorry i wasted your time....

[KayDub]

allis53ca, on 06 September 2011 - 10:45 PM, said:

wow...the whole time on the train, you acted like you appreciated MY advice...i'm never talking to another crip on train/bus again...sorry i wasted your time....

No allis53ca, if only I had known it was you. Then we could have grabbed a romantic lunch together ;-)

[August]

KayDub, on 02 September 2011 - 03:11 AM, said:

I was on light rail today and rolled on beside another guy in a chair. I always get flustered when I can't get my chair in right away, I feel like I'm holding up the whole train. I usually back in but pulled forward in so I was facing the window and the always present fiance was sitting beside me. The other guy took that as an invitation to say I must be new to being in a chair, I should back in, I have training wheels (my anti-tip bars that are life savers because I don't have enough body mass no matter where I balance myself to stop from flipping backwards when all my law books at in my backpack on my chair, esp on all the ramps around campus) I need to get rid of that and my clothes guards, etc. etc. For the entire ride he gave me a really condescending talk about how my chair should be, what wheelchair sports I should do, what cushion I should have, everything. This was all in between off handed comments of my not knowing any better because I've only been using a chair since May (funny he was only in one since January) He was nice enough don't get me wrong, but some AB people who give "advice" are nice enough too.

Do other people run into this? I wasn't sure if it should irritate me less, but in a way it made me more uncomfortable and unhappy. I felt really patronised, at least AB people just don't know any better. I'm getting over feeling self conscious when I go out from people who are standing, but I never thought I'd be self conscious around other chair users. Goes to show you lack of social skills transcends all people.

(Hope my frequent posts are okay, it just seems like every day it's something different and new I'm trying to wrap my head around)

Could this just be a variation of the 'OMG female drivers! I must re-educate them' attitude that some men have? (Apologies to those men who don't think like that.)

August

[KayDub]

August, on 09 September 2011 - 12:44 PM, said:

KayDub, on 02 September 2011 - 03:11 AM, said:

I was on light rail today and rolled on beside another guy in a chair. I always get flustered when I can't get my chair in right away, I feel like I'm holding up the whole train. I usually back in but pulled forward in so I was facing the window and the always present fiance was sitting beside me. The other guy took that as an invitation to say I must be new to being in a chair, I should back in, I have training wheels (my anti-tip bars that are life savers because I don't have enough body mass no matter where I balance myself to stop from flipping backwards when all my law books at in my backpack on my chair, esp on all the ramps around campus) I need to get rid of that and my clothes guards, etc. etc. For the entire ride he gave me a really condescending talk about how my chair should be, what wheelchair sports I should do, what cushion I should have, everything. This was all in between off handed comments of my not knowing any better because I've only been using a chair since May (funny he was only in one since January) He was nice enough don't get me wrong, but some AB people who give "advice" are nice enough too.

Do other people run into this? I wasn't sure if it should irritate me less, but in a way it made me more uncomfortable and unhappy. I felt really patronised, at least AB people just don't know any better. I'm getting over feeling self conscious when I go out from people who are standing, but I never thought I'd be self conscious around other chair users. Goes to show you lack of social skills transcends all people.

(Hope my frequent posts are okay, it just seems like every day it's something different and new I'm trying to wrap my head around)

Could this just be a variation of the 'OMG female drivers! I must re-educate them' attitude that some men have? (Apologies to those men who don't think like that.)

August

August, I never even thought of that, but yeah that vibe was totally there. I always get unsolicited advice being a young girl. I know how to change my car's oil and filters but I usually get it done because it's just as cheap where I live and takes less time. The guys always come in trying to sell me new air filters and new this and that, and I just laugh at them and say that can't be right because I changed my own filter this morning. Then they scamper off and I usually get a discount. Back when I ran on the junior national team (from age 16 to 20) for track I'd be in the gym doing squats. I'm 6' 3" and anywhere between 125 and 140 lbs, so really skinny. When I'd ask to alternate in with the big buff meatheads using the squat racks they'd laugh and say it wouldn't make sense to alternate because they'd have to spend so much time taking weights off for me. Or if I were setting up the squat racks myself the guy who just used it and rudely left his weight on would be like oh sweetie need help taking weight off? In both situations I'd just smile and laugh and say that's funny because I actually needed to add anywhere between 100-200 lbs to life myself (I squated over 500 lbs in high school). They'd either run off, tail between their legs, or sit and watch to "make sure I was safe", thinking I couldn't do it. Awwww those were the days.

Edited by KayDub, 09 September 2011 - 03:17 PM.

[megatrig]

some people are just "made that way". If he was sitting by someone else who was reading a book on woodwork they might have gotten a lecture.

Your obviously a nice person as you didn't tell him to get lost.

Mulling it over. Whenever I happen to have been sat next to another of "us"!! If it ends up in a conversation, I, we usually chat about all sorts of things. The only time I remeber giving advice was when someone ASKED ME about cushions.

Just put it down to one of those amusing life experiances. lol!

[Harry3082]

Sometimes Men say the Dumbest things! Ramble on and on and on about the dumbest things. All because they find someone Atractive, and are so nervous about what to say, and how to act out of inexperience. That they don't realize they would've been better off saying nothing!
Maybe, just Maybe he found you attractive and didn't know what to say!

[rue2you]

In his defense, he may have been trying to think of something to strike up a conversation about. You know, we are curious about other chair users since we aren't extremely common in the run of an ordinary day. Kind of the reason we all like to be on here - we have something in common and find a bond with that. He may be very lonely and hoping to make a new wheelchair friend and although he wasn't very cool about it, he may have just been trying.

In your defense, you are still very new and still kind of overwhelmed with all of this. You maybe could just sweetly say, "Thank you for talking to me. This all overwhelms me a bit and I can only take it one day at a time. I will learn like you though so thank you for telling me!"

Personalities of people don't change just because they are in a chair and some can just be too outgoing and others too shy. Just take it like you would any other person - chair or not.

[Scooby Gimp]

allis53ca, on 06 September 2011 - 10:45 PM, said:

wow...the whole time on the train, you acted like you appreciated MY advice...i'm never talking to another crip on train/bus again...sorry i wasted your time....

Too funny.

[1fineday]

KayDub, on 02 September 2011 - 03:11 AM, said:

I was on light rail today and rolled on beside another guy in a chair. I always get flustered when I can't get my chair in right away, I feel like I'm holding up the whole train. I usually back in but pulled forward in so I was facing the window and the always present fiance was sitting beside me. The other guy took that as an invitation to say I must be new to being in a chair, I should back in, I have training wheels (my anti-tip bars that are life savers because I don't have enough body mass no matter where I balance myself to stop from flipping backwards when all my law books at in my backpack on my chair, esp on all the ramps around campus) I need to get rid of that and my clothes guards, etc. etc. For the entire ride he gave me a really condescending talk about how my chair should be, what wheelchair sports I should do, what cushion I should have, everything. This was all in between off handed comments of my not knowing any better because I've only been using a chair since May (funny he was only in one since January) He was nice enough don't get me wrong, but some AB people who give "advice" are nice enough too.

Do other people run into this? I wasn't sure if it should irritate me less, but in a way it made me more uncomfortable and unhappy. I felt really patronised, at least AB people just don't know any better. I'm getting over feeling self conscious when I go out from people who are standing, but I never thought I'd be self conscious around other chair users. Goes to show you lack of social skills transcends all people.

(Hope my frequent posts are okay, it just seems like every day it's something different and new I'm trying to wrap my head around)

[qbounce]

Religeous:

I'm wheeling around the neighborhood for exercise and a man comes over to me saying, "The meek shall inherit the Earth."

Oh, good, we're taking over, people! haha
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was asked by an acquaintance if I really needed my legs anymore due to the fact that they weigh me down?

What an odd question, aside from the fact that some do lose their lower legs for skin and muscle grafts on pressure sores. So, I guess that's a good reason to keep my legs, for now anyway. lol

[airart1]

hey q, they come with me, and if i can help it they're going out with me!!!!!