6 replies to this topic

[PoppaWheelie]

I but this up on my MySpace blog. I guess I'm just having a hard time finding the one thing I want the most. I figured you all would get this.
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Man I am flatered, honored, and blessed with the people I know and the family I have. That is a truth that I will always cherish, and the fact that so many think so highly of me embarasses me at times. For that I thank all of you.

However (uhh ohh a however) I've been through some deep thinking lately that has had me spinin'. So many see me as a positive, happy, crazy, laidback dude who will always bring joy to any situation. This I will say is absolutly true. I am no downer and I love almost every person I meet. The problem in this is the fact that I often feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. That people sometimes make me out to be someone with almost no faults! No worries! No concerns!

I'm Mr. Reliable and I love being that but I wish people could know that beyond the smiles and drinks and laughs, there is anguish, and fear, and lonelyness many times. This is what I want people to know, the reality of it all. Yes I am happy. Yes I am strong. Yes I love my brothers and sisters out there and give only the truth as I know it when asked. But yes I have a wound that could kill me if not treated properly. Yes I have low self-esteem in a few aspects of life. Yes I am about as disabled as they get and it can break my heart some times. Almost literally.

Belive me I know I sound like I'm complaining about both positives and negatives in life but these things are real concerns of mine. I mean I feel like so many know me for who I am as a friend and yet so few understand me as a human being. I don't know if that makes sence but it's how I feel. I hardly ever talk to anyone about what bothers me. I can never seem to vent the truths behind closed doors. Not that I want to keep them closed at all. If anything I want those close to see me in all parts of life. In happyness, sorrow, love, and pain. So many see so little past the joy I have. I feel like my lifestyle has shaped me in a way where I am completely honest to people I love but don't want to burden them with my crosses in life. That people only know half of me.

Trust me I don't want to be a whine and moan dude in a wheelchair. That is not it at all. I just want reality to shine through. I don't want people to think less of me. I want the world to know truth, and the truth is that I am a man! A human man. Not a pet. Not a god. I am somewhere in between like the rest of us. My life hasn't been lolly pops and puppy dogs but it hasn't been fire and brimstone either! My life has always been and will always be confound to a chair. What I want in life is to be the MAN who happens to be disabled. Not the other way around.

And honest to God in my life it has mostly been this. Now here you may go so what the hell is the point of this rant? My main point is that in the aspect of life I want it the most, in the one thing I long for, it has never ever been this way. So what is it that has me in such a mental battle with myself? Of course what it always comes down to. The opposite sex.

I can almost gaurantee that 90% of the woman I talk to talk to me because I'm a "nice guy." Ahhh hell! If your a dude you know this gets you exactly nowhere. 9% talk out of pity, and who honestly want someone who pitties you? The other 1%, the ones that talk out of respect and honesty, I never realize actually care because frankly here is where the low self-esteeme comes in. It has always been hard for me to know when someone is looking past the disability and who is just lookin'. That has almost toutured me. What it comes down to is no balls. Because who wants to hear "No thanks." and you know it's because you are nowhere near the alpha male in the room? Catch my drift? Women seem to look for the whole package, and have every right to go for it. The problem for me is that even after I get everything in life I need will a close friend of mine be able to come up to the woman I'm talking to and steal her away from me without a flick of the wrist (and yes that has happened to me before)? I have no clue. I have no insite into this because I am the only person I know who has the unique situation I have.

I've heard all the just be yourself stuff and whatnot and that is exactly what I do. Nothin'. So I ask am I going about this all wrong. Am I looking in the wrong places'? Where DO I look? Should I look? Because I've done the let it be thing and no one approches me. Ever. Is it that the majority of women are that shallow? I don't want to ever belive it's the last one.

You want reality? Here it is for me. My biggest fear is dying ALONE. And I have no idea how to change it. Sorry for the rant and complaints and all that but I had to put it out there at least for myself to look at. Just don't think I'm not still the same guy. I am. Just showing more of me for the world. Putting my heart out there for myself and my friends.

Keep bleedin' Black Label.

- PoppaWheelie

[lune14]

I think a great many of us can relate well to this situation. Ask yourself this, "If you were the AB person, how would you view/consider a woman in a chair relative to dating/sex/marriage etc.?" Having had no exposure to disabilities in general.

I ask myself this question ALL the time and sometimes I don't like the answers I give to myself.
I ask my friends this question all the time (male/female) and I don't always like their answers either.

What does this say about us as people?
It's a tough one even w/out the chair.

PS. Read my post titled Man vs Woman.... Chair vs Love, others have posted a lot of good personal reflection quite close to what you're speaking of.

[Joed]

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I'm Mr. Reliable and I love being that but I wish people could know that beyond the smiles and drinks and laughs, there is anguish, and fear, and lonelyness many times

You're right, Poppawheelie....you should be able to express your human vulnerability. As a young child, I was always told how 'brave' I was to endure the disability/surgeries, and that always confused me. I knew I wasn't feeling brave, but I was only a kid, and all the adults in my life were telling me that I was...so I never felt able to confide my shameful secret...I thought everyone would be disappointed in me if I weren't what they thought I was...and so I felt like an imposter. I was never able to tell someone how scared I really was about what was happening to me....at a time when I needed that the most.

Just as you are "Mr. Reliable", I was always "Joe's brave little crippled girl". Even today, my aunts and uncles act like I'm the poster child for courage, but the fact is, most of them aren't in my life enough to know what I deal with (and sometimes what I don't deal with very well!) on a daily basis.

Before my last surgery (the one that left me paralyzed), I made sure that it wasn't like that. I talked to my family and let them know that I needed them to let me be afraid...and that it was okay. I didn't feel strong, and I needed them to know. It's a hard thing to say for you and me, and others in our situation, but the result is that you get the support that you really need at that particular time. You just have to let your feelings known. Doesn't mean you'd have to go around belly-aching about it, but sharing these things at the appropriate times, with someone you love and trust...it's another form of intimacy and genuine humanity. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to be human.

The opposite sex issue is a slightly different animal. I've always held that those of us with disabilities are given a great time-saver, in that it weeds out the chaff from the get-go. What you're left with is the quality genuine souls...it may take longer to find them, but it beats the hell out of wasting your time being in a long-term relationship that ends up going nowhere.

So my 'big advice' is....let people know when you're not feeling very 'Reliable' or very 'Strong'...that's not moaning, that's just letting yourself be vulnerable with those you care about. I'd bet they'd appreciate knowing that they're more like you than they might've imagined.

~Blessings

[dom]

Hi poopawheelie,just read your thread and it rang a bell with me,i've heard that good guys come second also, its not true but when i was looking for a lady love i found that i was pussy-footing around all the time and sending mixed signals,like 'be my friend' etc
I found that in the end a more mercenary approach was called for
I targeted women who were looking for a partner/longterm romance and weeded out the chaff
could'nt you try through an agency? there's nothing embarrasing about it in this day na dage? people have all sorts of commitments today-work stress family- and in an agency one has more chance to meet a soulmate cos it is matched
you can waste a lot of time waiting for the natural,boy meets girl chance happening, its better to make things happen
I met my wife on the street!![no not kerb crawling] and made it apparent i was looking for romance more or less straight off after 2 years courting we were married

[itsjustme]

Hi PoppaWheelie!

You do realize that there are an awful lot of AB people walking around out there who don't seem to know how to get it right don't you? Sometimes you look at someone who seems to have it all except someone to love them and you have to wonder why?

There was a really great thread started on another board and I don't know what happened to it but one guy wrote in and told his story of finding the love of his life after being turned down on an online dating service something like 117 times. It seems to me like the picture that he posted was one in his hospital gown but the girl looked way past his picture and listened to what was in his heart.

To that thread I added something that I had just seen on ABC's 20/20 about a guy named Kyle Maynard. He's a young American man born without arms or legs but he didn't let that hold him back from even trying to play football. That didn't work out too well, so he went on to wresting. You can read more about him online. However he has a beautiful fiance by his side now. Mind you, he has no arms to hold her, no fingers to put a ring on her finger, no legs to walk on a beach with her but she loves the person that he is.

Another guy fell for his caregiver and she for him.

If you want to try dabbling in the online thing have you thought of Craig's List in your area? It's free. It's all over the U.S. It would be a great way to add to your circle of friends and meet some new people. If you aren't familiar with it, it's just sort of on line classified ads for everything from friends to the best restaurants. Remember that one guy was turned down 117 times before he found the love of his life!

You really sound like a great guy. What girl wouldn't want a guy who is willing to open up and express his true feelings!

[laura]

i'm not alone!

thankyou all for saying the above.

big help thanks!

[Scotsgal]

Hi Poppawheelie !
Have you tried looking amongst the wider disabled community, possibly online ?
I'm non-SCI disabled, a walker but with neuromuscular problems and I met my T7 para boyfriend this way - he totally accepts my disability as I do his and he's the answer to my prayers...
Maybe you need to be a little more open minded about dating non- ablebodied folk yourself ???!
Best wishes
Scotsgal x.