20 replies to this topic

[tomsov]

I have gotten some great advice on this forum. I have tried to give good advice back in things that i know. What i have come to the conclusion since i have been injured is i am looking for ways to make up for the life i used to have. I have come a long way since my accident and i know that. I have become extremely intolerant to abled peoples ignorance and even though i accepted my accident before anyone else in my family did. i am able to cope just fine. I know what i want and were i want to be. I have started taking college courses because who wants to hire a cripple with no college experience. Still I can not find a way to keep myself occupied. Let me rephrase that. I can keep myself occupied but i am not happy. I used to enjoy working. A LOT> What I did made me feel good with the people i met and the people i helped. I don't have that. I go to school. I can't socialize because i can't drive. So i am picked up and dropped off only to get the piece of paper that might get me a job. I am very logical in how i approach things. I know this because i could just sit at home have everyone feel sympathy for me and die in ten years. However I didn't just loose the ability to walk after my accident. I got to sit idly as i had to sell everything i worked for. I lost my truck. and then i get to sell both of my motorcycles that i shed blood, sweat and tears for. Material items yes. but my material items i paid for. paid for with money i earned for 10 years. So everyday about 5-6 times at least a day when i am not at school i come out and see life going by while smoking a cigarette. Which it should i am nobody in most peoples eyes. I am a kid that had something f*@ked up happened to. But it pisses me off to watch people just get by. You see it daily. Were i live i can even hear it because my house backs up to a busy road. On a daily basis i get to watch people who are fortunate enough to walk and work and play and drive and do wonderful things be angry about it. So i come back inside and i dwell on the fact that if i just did one thing that would make me happy I would not worry about everyone else taking adavantage of shit i can not do. So what makes me happy. Motorcycles> that is out. not entirely but i can't come up with 16k to buy the trike i want. Driving> I have the car and i am almost there. however do to the fact that 13 months ago my old insurance company paid out closed to a 130k for my accident i can not get insurance. Drinking>Yeah I am still taking narcotics and about once every two months i get to deal with a UTI. Working on houses> That is virtually impossible. It was my goal to build my own house from scratch. Hang out with friends> There has not one time that my accident has not been brought up when hanging out with my friends. I am so sick of explaining it. I don't know what happened. I wasn't drunk. I remember up until... that is my answer to someone asking me what happened. Going out to eat> I don't know how long its going to take. what if something happens. what do i have to bring in case something happens. I have taught myself to deal with these situations and dilemas that have come up. I have tried to stay occupied with school and the homework so i can pass. I have done small projects that keep me sane when nothing is going on. What i hate is i have no friends near me that know what i am going through. I have tried to get involved in support programs to network with people that understand and wont ask me what a UTI is or a pressure sore or do you feel it when you use a catheter. I will never get so sad to ever commit suicide. Really that is a bitch way out. Emotionally i have been more depressed and right now i am not depressed. I am overwhelmed with boredom. However when i was a 10-11 when id crawl into bed id pretend that i had a gun. i made it with my hand id pull the trigger and fall right to sleep and wake up to a new morning. In other words it was my what if scenario to shut my mind down to go to sleep. i did that up until my accident. I do it now and i won't go to sleep until 3,4,5,6 in the morning. Cause when i go to sleep i am wondering what is this loud rumbling in my stomach. am i going to wake up covered in piss or shit. Is my leg going to fall off the bed and have blood pool and wake up to a swollen foot. Am i going to have a UTI in the morning. what am i going to do in the morning. Logically i know that these are all unkowns. why is this all running through my head. I know there is a lot for me to do. I just turned 25. I know there is people who are worse off then i am. but even with a smile on my face this is all i think about. Good Night for now.

[kiwiquad]

How about some gym work?

[Tatiana]

Hey, thankyou for sharing so much of yourself and being honest.

It aint meant to be a consolation but if you had a looking glass into the lives of those who you see passing you by, you may find that their lives aint so perfect either you know.

Many would wish they had the courage and strength of character that you have because look at what could be achieved with that.
You are being too hard on yourself by comparing the value on your present life to your pre-SCI life.
Your pre-SCI and your present life, as your future is....is YOUR journey, a continuum.

It sounds (apologies if im wrong) that you have enjoyed helping people in the past. Is there a line of work or even something voluntary that you could do that would get in back into that role again.
It would do the world of good for your self esteem and could open other doors for you.

You are still you..just tweaked now lol (this you know)..and challenged more but your spirit and what drives you remains. You just got to find whats important to you, for you to be happy and then how to go about practically achieving it.

Start with small steps, in that direction and before you know it you have gone further than you expected (does that make sense :-))..

Maybe some of your boredom is coming from the lack of a mental challenge and satisfaction that you get from that?

Good luck in what you do. I would love to know how you get on.

[goose]

It's very hard trying to compare life before and after SCI. My advice is don't do it. You and I were the same age at the time of injury. That's the age where you're just starting to figure out who you are. My friends were starting families and I was trying to learn new ways to feed myself [etc] and cope with a body that no longer did the things I wanted it to do or had taken for granted it could do. It was a major life adjustment. I can feel your pain and it's real and raw. I know how it feels to not drive or see other people jump out of their car to do a quick errand. It's a killer.

The best thing to do is stop comparing your life to some one else. You never know what is REALLY going on behind closed doors. I heard Deion Sanders once admit to almost committing suicide. He explained with all his money, fame, material things and sex with whoever he wanted. He still wasn't happy or satisfied with his life. He admitted he could put on a good front but inside was really in pain. This taught me several things. First,not to compare myself with others . Second, to be true to yourself...follow what makes you happy inside.

I found when I help others it leaves less time to focus on me and my problems. Sometimes you have to find creative ways to give back. Only you will know how to do this. I can't do alot of things I once did but I'm still me inside. I still have a voice and a heart ...powerful combo. Yes, I still have bad days. Yes, I still get bored but so do alot of other ABs.

Try to focus on what you can do! Open that mouth at school. Smile and start talking. You will run into some jerks but there are some good guys out there. Find your strong points and start using them. I bet you can still flirt...everybody likes a compliment. Make someone else feel good about themself...show the love. Let someone know you care about them.

Get involved in a bike group. Go to a dinner meeting with them. Who knows they may be willing to help you raise money for a bike. They love fund raisers and any excuse to ride.

Just don't do nothing and drown in self pity.

Edited by goose, 11 October 2011 - 09:31 AM.

[D.pro]

I feel you men. But over this past 7 years things feel diffrent i've managed to see things in positive ways i only focuss on my goals and ambitions i care less what people think about me living where something like this means you are doomed for life except you have enough to sustain your self, i been able to stop people from looking down on me by not looking down on myself. You are better of engaging yours with activities to stimulate your mind because even normally healthy people get bord to.

[Snakeye]

Ya, boredom is the bugger in this life...We can't do what we used to and many friends and family don't come around any more so gotta stay busy with hobbies or just anything that keeps us going...With so much unused time on our hands it's easy to turn inward and feel sorry for ourselves, get depressed or filled with anxiety...It seems like I work a full time job trying to stay mentally active so's not to go nuts....used to be able to burn off my nerves by doing physical stuff but that's out so I meditate, paint, latch-hook, draw, watch movies, read, lift hand weights and on and on...Don't give up just keep your mind occupied with positive stuff....Find a cause, dive into facebook, get out amongst people, even if it's just eating breakfast at the local cafe..play bingo, whatever..It's an endless struggle for sure...Good luck...

[Muskie]

I hear the pain in your words, and it is good to express them. I also have a 21 who is going through what you are and your words strike at my core of what you are feeling. I have coached team sports for close to 20 years and found that most problems can be solved with a plan. From reading your post sounds like you ARE a bit of a motorhead, cars bikes and such, it also sounds like you ARE good with your hands, not only that you have the beginings of a plan. You put that all together and I see a future engineer. Why an engineer because you think like one "Going to build my home from scratch", and the love of machines. Engineering is something this country is lacking, think about some of the wheelchairs you have seen or been in, bet you said this could really use this or if this was modified it could do that. Engineers make descent money, for the most part they don't care if you are in a chair or can leap buildings in a single bound. They want problem solvers, doers people who can think outside the box while still using solid engineering principals. You would be able to buy that dream vehicle and pay for the insurance cause life is like a crap sandwich the more bread you got the less crap you eat. Use your angry to propel you forward, turn it into passion. Who knows what you can do, reach down and find it, it is there. The social things well that is a hurdle that only you can get over. You are still the same person, if you were likeable before then you still are.

[greybeard]

Your body is just a means by which you move around the important bit that makes you "you" - your brain. In your case, that seems to be functioning perfectly well, so why not put it to better use. The past is a different place that you can't go back to any more. Don't dwell on it.

You are the same person you used to be. You just have to do things differently now. You know this without anyone telling you.

You are at an early stage in the process of learning how to do this. Hopefully the passage of time will help you to see this more clearly and you will stop beating yourself up. Some form of counselling may help. Good luck.

[RZ94]

I WATCH PEOPLE TOO. ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I WONDER IF "THAT GUY/GAL" COULD HANDLE THE DOCTOR COMIN' IN TO HIS/HER ROOM AND TELLIN' HIM/HER "SEE THIS WHEEL CHAIR, YEAH YOUS GONNA BE LEARNIN' HOW TO USE THIS TO GET AROUND FER AN UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF TIME". WOULD THEY FREAK, BE FINE, GET MEGA DEPRESSED, WHO KNOWS.

PLUS I WONDER WHAT THEY THINK WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, LONG HAIRED LONG BEARDED GIMP, PUSHIN' A SHOPPIN' CART WIF ONE HAND AND MY CHAIR WIF THE OTHER.

I WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T ASK ME WHY I BE SITTIN' ALL THE TIME. LIL' KIDS DO BUT THEIR MOMMAS PULL 'EM AWAY TOO FAST LIKE I'M GONNA KILL 'EM.

I KEEP BUSY WIF PAINTIN' WORKIN' OUT, WORKIN' AND DRINKIN' PABST BLUE RIBBON WHILE CUTTIN' THE GRASS WIF MY JOHN DEERE.

YOU SOUND SMART, I GOTS A FRIEND ON HERE THAT BE GOIN' TO SCHOOL TOO, HE MIGHT CHIME IN WIF SOME HELP THERE (I WAS/AM TO LAZY TO GO TO SCHOOL)

HANG TOUGH, AND GET A GOOD COLLECTION OF ROB ZOMBIE GOIN'........THAT'S KEY TO A HAPPY LIFE, ROB AND PABST.....MMMM THAT'S LIVIN'.

[Tetracyclone]

Tomsov,

Gawd, how your words resonate, even though I am 61. I was something like you and DID do all those things, though I restored rather than built new. I liked old buildings.

I hope I come back to this thread to draw from a deeper place, but for now my input is that bowel problems seem to be your main obstacle at this time. Do you suffer flaccid bowel? Whatever your situation describe it for us and some folks will have dealt with it and hove suggestions. It sounds like your digestion system has not been able to get back to producing firm stool. This can stem from several sources, but I know one is the excess of antibiotics we often require after injury. They wipe out intestinal balance and it can take a lot of effort and supplements to restore it, but this is well worth the effort. We need to pay very close attention to nutrition, which a guy like you hates- you just want to eat what you feel like eating. Anyway, try searching through old threads while you are bored to see if you can glean useful information.

I know I had cause to worry quite a bit for the first several years after my accident, but ver the past year my body has become quite dependable. i get out and about and even when diarrhea threatens I manage to interpret signals correctly and actually make it to a toilet!! Amazing stuff. I am going to a gym 3 times a week and had a problem a few weeks ago and was amazed that I managed it, then just got back to my workout. Used up my whole supply of wet wipes though.

You are working toward driving- are you able to load and unload your chair yet? I practiced the parts that I could for months as I also worked toward the hand-control stamp on my license. The load and unload is still the hardest thing I do ( am a c-5 quad), but I just ignore the bruises on my thighs and carry on.

It is true that a 60 year old has all the "prove thyself" issues behind he. I already learned that I was limited, even before my accident. My limits are part of the landscape and there is no choice but to accept them. You will have to go through that decades long process, learning what you are good at and what you are not good at, just as your AB friends must.

Muskie's idea of studying engineering is a good one but a lot of us are not smart enough to go that road. You CAN do lots of stuff in a machine shop from a chair, and once you solve the problem of getting out of the house you will be able to connect and build the friendships you will need to participate in motorcycle life.

I see you have already been in the motor sports section, but maybe you can still find some more encouragement in that section of the forum.

First things first- your bowel problems WILL settle down after a period of working with the "how-tos" of it. Once you can get out your life will change a lot.

[St. Peter]

you should try skydiving

[tomsov]

Takes money to skydive. Id do it in a heartbeat. if i had the cash.

[megatrig]

I really can sympathise! I have had the worst year since breaking my neck 24 years ago!

I'm sooooooooooooo bored and frustrated at the moment it seems really unfair!! Hate hearing myself say that. Hate thinking it and typing it.

The other day I was thinking "I can't believe it. It seems like I have to start my life all over again". I could retype your post.

I think back to a year after breaking my neck and you are still in that place of learning how to read your body and sort outb the routines for bladder and bowel. They get easier to deal with.

People asking about how you did it. That wears off too. You end up with new and different stories. Some involving the wheelchair and others.

I'll mull it over. Not sure what words of support I can offer. Employment wise though I know so many wheelchair users who work that you shouldn't think you won't be able to!

[wheeliebear75]

I used to just have a backpack ALL THE TIME & in this backpack was ALWAYS a fresh change of clothes, baby wipes, a can of Lysol (it disinfects + covers some of the smells while you're in the restroom IN CASE you get anything on their floor/toilet so I didn't leave any "messes" behind) & couple of grocery bags to tie the mess up into til I got home & could throw it in the wash.

You're not even 18mo in/out.....cut yourself some slack as far as the B&B routine goes. Yes....AB's do ask some pretty stupid questions....but then again like most people until you or a loved-one are effected by it....but outside of the medical community (who 1/2 of them still don't know that much about US SCI's) who DOES know this stuff?

I do know that there are plenty of times where my gearhead buddies have taken parts out of the car & worked with them on a big table.....is this something you could do maybe through the college's auto shop? Sometimes my B/F just has an overwhelming urge to tinker & if he can't find something to tinker on he'll go over to a buddies house & they'll all work on their car. If you & your buddies are hard at work on fixing the part wouldn't that give you guys something OTHER THAN your accident to talk about?

I hope you find your niche soon.

[Ewilson055]

So uncool. I just spasmed and hit the remote control off the table and now it is stuck on Reba.
I had my accident when I was 26, almost a year and 3 months ago in FL where I made my home. After my accident I had to move back to my hometown and in with my father. I am constantly thinking of those what ifs. And with my UTIs, other heath issues, and physical therapy taking over my days; I feel like I am struggling just to live. I use to always get hit on, free drinks, and just about whatever I wanted (toot toot). Now the only people who check me out are children. I was fun, now dull. So lets do something...we need a goal...something super exciting. World poker player? No? Probably not your thing. Not mine thing either. Rugby? Basketball? Do you have a CIL? My CIL lets you ride their bike cycle things. If you want to skydive, maybe you should practice first. A jump off the bed? I would but my booty would not join the party. I feel like those blown up clowns that you punch and they pop back up. Anyways I promise you will find something soon that will be cheap or free Maybe World at,on,of,is Warcraft? ummm...maybe more like words with friends. The heater is about to take me out and now i'm stuck with Unsolved Mysteries. Yikes.
I take a sleeping pill to at least get 5 hours of sleep, it may not be in a row but something is better than nothing. OH MY GOODNESS! I bet you can turn off a heater. Emergency. Sorry for the ramble and that I passed out during my English classes.

[Tetracyclone]

Ewilson055, on 19 October 2011 - 01:25 AM, said:

So uncool. I just spasmed and hit the remote control off the table and now it is stuck on Reba.

Hilarious. Thanks for posting.

[St. Peter]

I was going through this couple months ago, but ever since I started playing Quad Rugby, socializing more (which is why I sign up here), and having a nutrition diet my life has change dramatically.The key to boredom is to have as much outdoor activity as possible, making friends,goal setting,and discipline.

[St. Peter]

My other guess would be why don't you quiet using catheter for a couple of months that way it would stop you from worrying about UTI

[tsh3406]

I couldn't tell from your post. Do you not drive because you don't have a vehicle? There's no question, if I didn't have the ability to cme and go as I please, I'd be sinking fast. And I second the skydiving, it's a life changing experience.

T

[Charlie-boi]

Hey.... Look man we have had words before but the other way round with you givving me advice! Your not a dumb guy, u know the score.... It's just putting stuff into practice and waiting until you feel more happy! Looking outside the box I think you should get training at the gym! Or even at home! If I don't I fall so low! Sort your diet out... So that bowels n bladder are more pradictable because worrying about then 24/7 is just gunna be a ball ake realy!!
Also if all your doing is homework well damn I would probly top myself strait away!

As someone else said..."set a goal" to give your self actual perpouse!! Otherwise we will all just Rot away! I know the score but also realy struggle to put it into theory, I still havnt finished grieving over the old me! And defo ain't accepted this shit! But you can read smart allic sentences from us all day long but realistically u know man!

Also try a quad instead of a trike! 660 rapter should sort you out ;)

[tomsov]

It is the second time i have come in to this post. You know the song by Nine Inch Nails Everyday Is Exactly The Same. That fallowed by warren Zevons My Shits f*@ked Up are my musical anthems. There are good days and bad days. Part of this post is the fact that i know something is wrong. Something other then the whole sci thing. It is a constant worry. a back pack full of catheters, a fresh pair of shorts. yep got that one down too. I am resentful to everything i used to have. I miss it and know its gone, but that is not the whole thing. Those things made me. One day hell to high water i will have them again. I will have my 400 horsepower truck that does 13 second quarter miles and a motorcycle that i can save gas with. but it is the life style i was accustomed to. I made good money. I earned my wage. I was dropped like a bag of shit from my job. and now i am doing everything i can to stay busy. But it is short lived. One week increments. I want to do more but i have no real income. My income pays for my school. it also pays for the crap that my insurance doesn't pay for. Every month i recieve catheters a week later i get the EOB, that says they submitted a bill for $4k and we are only going to pay $1200. Monthly. This shit adds up. Boredom is self explanatory. Insanity is doing the same shit over and over again expecting a different outcome.

Charlie-boi- if i am getting on a quad i am going to get on a Polaris Sportman 850 4x4 with power steering so i can drink too.