23 replies to this topic

[Asparagus925]

Okay, so here’s the thing. I’m not really looking for advice on the story I’m about to share, but I just need to get it off of my chest. I have talked to a few people about it, but sharing it here is probably the best place I can think of. So, thanks

So, I’m in a new(ish) relationship with a guy who has a SCI. C3/C4 incomplete. I’ve posted a few times regarding our relationship, and to sum it up, we started as friends as I wasn’t too keen on dating a guy in a wheelchair, knowing nothing about it. But it really didn’t take long for us to realize we would be a lot better off as a lot more then friends. We haven’t been doing this very long but we are both really on the same page about how we feel about each other and have high hopes for a future together.

Here’s where it gets complicated. My brother, who if you knew the back story would understand it a little more, is less than thrilled with my current romantic situation. The quick back story is I pretty much have NEVER made a good romantic decision in his mind. Not that it’s any of his business. I did get married super young while serving in the Navy, had a son, got divorced before his first birthday and have been a single mom ever since. I’ve had a few boyfriends here and there but am always super selective and cautious about letting men in my child’s life. My son is now 6 and if I do say so myself, quite fabulous. I pride myself on supporting my little family and being the best mom I can be. I have not always made the best decisions in life, but who has? That’s what makes it life. My brother is older than me and I suppose has the “big brother syndrome” but he’s always taken it too far.

Well, he took it as far this time as to say that I am being an “irresponsible and bad mother” in dating this guy. I couldn’t wrap my head around this extremely hurtful statement. How is dating a guy in a wheelchair messing with my son? I retorted by saying “so just because this guy is in a chair means he doesn’t deserve love?” My brother pretty much said, that wasn’t true, but I wasn’t giving my son everything he deserves by having this guy in my life. Through this entire conversation he not once asked me anything about my boyfriend’s situation let alone anything about us and our relationship, or his with my son. He just felt a certain way without asking any questions and decided he needed to share it with me. I’m glad he came to me and was honest instead of continuing to talk behind my back about it (which had apparently been going on) but the more time that has gone by (about 2 weeks) the more it’s upsetting me.

I do not expect the everyone to completely understand my relationship off the bat. I expect skepticism and close minded people. But I also expect people, especially the close friends and family in my life to see us together and not to judge before they’ve given it a chance. If they don’t like him for some other reason, then great. But don’t shoot me low blows and criticize my parenting because I’m dating a guy in a wheelchair.

It’s true, my boyfriend may never be able to play baseball outside with my son. But that doesn’t stop him from participating as umpire or coach on the side lines! He finds ways every time he’s around my son to be a part of regular everyday things he does like homework, playing sports, talking about his day, etc. It may not be “normal” to some, but it is to us. I just don’t see how dating a guy in a chair could negatively affect my son.

I’m not going to change the happy healthy relationship I’m in because someone doesn’t see the way I see. Yes, he’s my family, but he sure isn’t acting like it, at least in my opinion.

Has anyone else run across this problem?

Again, thanks for letting me vent – I feel better already.

[greybeard]

Glad you feel better and hope your brother lets you (and your fella) improve his education a little in due course.

[qbounce]

Asparagus,
Your name sounds delicious, by the way.

I've heard several stories like this before.

It's funny how people can treat each other poorly and it doesn't get as much scrutiny as being disabled might.

It may take time for others to see what you already know about your new relationship. (pretty much emulating what GB said . . . . . but, so what-lol).

[Ratticis]

No offence, but your brother sounds like a 1st class asshole

[Spinner]

I personally brought three young boys to my relationship! All three of them love their step-father and their relationship with him grows stronger every day. You're right, he has never tossed the ball around with them, but he gets them to and from school, does all of their homework with them, has never missed a sporting event or awards celebration, and is the best example of a real man they have in their lives. Your brother is concerned for his little sister, just keep loving this guy and once big brother sees how well the two of you fit together he'll come around... or not. If he doesn't the problem is clearly his - not yours. Good luck!

Edited by Spinner, 04 November 2011 - 12:43 AM.

[Asparagus925]

Ratticis, on 03 November 2011 - 11:58 PM, said:

No offence, but your brother sounds like a 1st class asshole

No offense taken, believe me. He sure is acting like one.

Spinner, on 04 November 2011 - 12:43 AM, said:

I personally brought three young boys to my relationship! All three of them love their step-father and their relationship with him grows stronger every day. You're right, he has never tossed the ball around with them, but he gets them to and from school, does all of their homework with them, has never missed a sporting event or awards celebration, and is the best example of a real man they have in their lives. Your brother is concerned for his little sister, just keep loving this guy and once big brother sees how well the two of you fit together he'll come around... or not. If he doesn't the problem is clearly his - not yours. Good luck!

Spinner,

That's an awesome story, thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate it! Finding a man that will be a true solid example to my son is very important to me. I'd much rather not have a man in my life, then one that does not treat me or my son right. I agree that my brother is concerned, and you're right, he'll either come around - or not. His loss.

Thanks again, you made my morning!

[megatrig]

I play football (soccer!!!) with my 8 year old nephew!!

He kicks the ball to me, I pick it up and hit it to him, past him, etc.

We have great fun.............spending time together.

There are lots of parents out there who just don't spend time together!!!!

How he, you, all of you enjoy life is what counts.

Having a wheelchair to play in is so much fun to my Nephew. Quality time together is great!! I love the stuff we get up to.

[Tetracyclone]

Siblings often feel they should judge us. It passes, like indigestion.

[Conez™]

Tetracyclone, on 04 November 2011 - 02:05 PM, said:

Siblings often feel they should judge us. It passes, like indigestion.

u are so true.

btw this thread probably reminds a few of their family life

I honestly love the shocked looks I get when people find out my partner is in a wheelchair. priceless, I usually have a laugh with them about it to help put them at ease.

Its sad tho that people can be judgemental sometimes, I have been told I could do better and that stings a bit coz they dont even care to know how wonderful this loving man is.

as for Family, I have mentioned it but my mother chooses to move on from the topic with a obvious divert. I havent made the best choices in life and I reckon my dad is happy I'm not with a total loser and wishes us well.

it helps that family lives 1000s of miles away but they all gona have to deal with it when we head south to go skiing for the winter.

anyway this will pass with time, your bro may not snap outta it but i'm sure u will move on an not feel so awful about his insensitive ill-informed behaviour

[Quad65]

Well, I'll tell ya. There's more to being a Dad than the ability to do all the physical things with a child. It's not the games you play or the sports you share, it's what's in your heart and and the character you build within your child.
I was an AB until I was 17 and my Dad never did any of those things with me. Never took me to a ball game, never played catch with me, took me fishing or hunting or ice skating. He was a moody binge drinker and beat the shit out of me when he was on a bender. Physical ability means zilch about being a real father to a child. It's all in the heart and emotion you display and share. I would have traded my AB father for a loving, caring, supportive SCI father any day.
As an SCI Dad, I've tried to be everything my AB Dad wasn't with my step-daughter, daughter, and grand-daughter. I haven't been perfect, but I did the best I could.

Edited by Quad65, 13 November 2011 - 11:24 PM.

[Maltese Cat]

In my first job I had a young assistant nurse I worked with, whose dad has been in a wheelchair most of her life, suffering from MS.
She was only 18 years old, but she was noticeably more mature than the other older nurses, much more confident with who she was, and much clearer about what she wanted to do in life, and what was important. She was a relaxed, happy, and unbelievably supportive friend.
I realise everyone grows up at different rates, but even she thinks that she has this calm and positive outlook on life due to knowing and helping to look after her own dad. When normal childhood fun can't be had in an easy straightforward way due to logistics surrounding disability, the imagination has to be put to work, and the results are often better thanks to the increased effort put in.

I would advise you just try to stay calm around your brother, and slowly let him see for himself that your boyfriend's disability is simply a matter of logistics, and what is really important is the man inside. Your brother is likely coming from a position of ignorance, and not having much experience around disabled people. Its very easy for family to see things from one side only. If you fight him for being unsupportive now, you'll likely find its much harder for him to eat his words later when he realises you're doing just fine.

[Asparagus925]

Quad65, on 13 November 2011 - 11:23 PM, said:

Well, I'll tell ya. There's more to being a Dad than the ability to do all the physical things with a child. It's not the games you play or the sports you share, it's what's in your heart and and the character you build within your child.
I was an AB until I was 17 and my Dad never did any of those things with me. Never took me to a ball game, never played catch with me, took me fishing or hunting or ice skating. He was a moody binge drinker and beat the shit out of me when he was on a bender. Physical ability means zilch about being a real father to a child. It's all in the heart and emotion you display and share. I would have traded my AB father for a loving, caring, supportive SCI father any day.
As an SCI Dad, I've tried to be everything my AB Dad wasn't with my step-daughter, daughter, and grand-daughter. I haven't been perfect, but I did the best I could.

Quad65 - Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really hit home and makes a lot of sense. I couldn't agree with you more that it's what is in your heart. Good for you for being the father you wish you had for all of those years.

Maltese Cat, on 14 November 2011 - 09:07 AM, said:

In my first job I had a young assistant nurse I worked with, whose dad has been in a wheelchair most of her life, suffering from MS.
She was only 18 years old, but she was noticeably more mature than the other older nurses, much more confident with who she was, and much clearer about what she wanted to do in life, and what was important. She was a relaxed, happy, and unbelievably supportive friend.
I realise everyone grows up at different rates, but even she thinks that she has this calm and positive outlook on life due to knowing and helping to look after her own dad. When normal childhood fun can't be had in an easy straightforward way due to logistics surrounding disability, the imagination has to be put to work, and the results are often better thanks to the increased effort put in.

I would advise you just try to stay calm around your brother, and slowly let him see for himself that your boyfriend's disability is simply a matter of logistics, and what is really important is the man inside. Your brother is likely coming from a position of ignorance, and not having much experience around disabled people. Its very easy for family to see things from one side only. If you fight him for being unsupportive now, you'll likely find its much harder for him to eat his words later when he realises you're doing just fine.

Cat - Great advice. When we did discuss it I was calm and thanked him for coming to me with his concerns instead of talking behind my back which is something he's known for. But, this was a good 3-4 weeks ago and haven't heard a thing from him since, which isn't typical. That's why it's been boiling inside me. I'll likely be seeing him over the Thanksgiving holiday and I'll be sure to remember your advice and apply it as best as possible.

Also, thanks for sharing the story of the young nurse. A friend of mine who I mentioned my dilema with my brother to also made the point to say that I'm opening my 6 year old up to a different world, but in no way is it bad or negative. I couldn't agree more. I think it's showing a different side of life, love and compassion that wouldn't necissarily come with 2 ABs.

Conez™, on 11 November 2011 - 04:52 PM, said:

Tetracyclone, on 04 November 2011 - 02:05 PM, said:

Siblings often feel they should judge us. It passes, like indigestion.

u are so true.

btw this thread probably reminds a few of their family life

I honestly love the shocked looks I get when people find out my partner is in a wheelchair. priceless, I usually have a laugh with them about it to help put them at ease.

Its sad tho that people can be judgemental sometimes, I have been told I could do better and that stings a bit coz they dont even care to know how wonderful this loving man is.

as for Family, I have mentioned it but my mother chooses to move on from the topic with a obvious divert. I havent made the best choices in life and I reckon my dad is happy I'm not with a total loser and wishes us well.

it helps that family lives 1000s of miles away but they all gona have to deal with it when we head south to go skiing for the winter.

anyway this will pass with time, your bro may not snap outta it but i'm sure u will move on an not feel so awful about his insensitive ill-informed behaviour

Conez - Glad to know I'm not alone! But sorry you're dealing with a semi unsupportive family as well. You are right, people can be so horribly judgemental and it drives me crazy especially when they don't care to know what they are talking about. aaah, frustrating!

I agree though, I think (well, at least hope!) that it shall pass. If not, his loss - not mine.

[wheeliebear75]

My B/F got asked that.....his answer....."Cuz I love HER for how strong SHE is & I could care less about how weak her legs are!".

[Rabaa]

Spinner, on 04 November 2011 - 12:43 AM, said:

I personally brought three young boys to my relationship! All three of them love their step-father and their relationship with him grows stronger every day. You're right, he has never tossed the ball around with them, but he gets them to and from school, does all of their homework with them, has never missed a sporting event or awards celebration, and is the best example of a real man they have in their lives. Your brother is concerned for his little sister, just keep loving this guy and once big brother sees how well the two of you fit together he'll come around... or not. If he doesn't the problem is clearly his - not yours. Good luck!

Totally agree , beautiful story bless .

Edited by Rabaa, 03 January 2012 - 04:23 PM.

[isobar]

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

[Asparagus925]

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

[Spinner]

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 02:41 AM, said:

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

@Asparagus925 how are things going with you and your brother? Is he coming around?

[Asparagus925]

Spinner, on 04 January 2012 - 02:46 AM, said:

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 02:41 AM, said:

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

@Asparagus925 how are things going with you and your brother? Is he coming around?

Interesting question...and thanks for asking

My brother and I had it out rather badly after Thanksgiving, over email. I said much of what my OP said, along with copying and pasting pretty much ALL of this thread in an email to him. After I said the things I did to him, he didn't respond. Right before Christmas I emailed him again and said I wasn't going to be nasty to him in front of my son, but my relationship with him has drastically changed, and although that's not what I want, I'm okay with that. He responded and apologized for pretty much everything. Took back everything he said about dating a a person in a wheelchair and said it was issues within himself much more then it was me dating this person. He said he's be much more open, in the future, to him - and he hoped that we could move past this. He pretty much said everything I could have ever hoped for, but NEVER expected him to say. So, that's a good thing. Granted, my boyfriend and I have not been in his presence - together, but I'm sure that at some point it will happen - and he'll eat his words even more. I'm just glad that he's slightly more open to all of it, even if he's just putting on a show to keep me around. Because even if that's the case, he'll see what everyone said he would, at some point.

Thanks for asking, it means a lot

[Spinner]

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 03:25 AM, said:

Spinner, on 04 January 2012 - 02:46 AM, said:

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 02:41 AM, said:

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

@Asparagus925 how are things going with you and your brother? Is he coming around?

Interesting question...and thanks for asking

My brother and I had it out rather badly after Thanksgiving, over email. I said much of what my OP said, along with copying and pasting pretty much ALL of this thread in an email to him. After I said the things I did to him, he didn't respond. Right before Christmas I emailed him again and said I wasn't going to be nasty to him in front of my son, but my relationship with him has drastically changed, and although that's not what I want, I'm okay with that. He responded and apologized for pretty much everything. Took back everything he said about dating a a person in a wheelchair and said it was issues within himself much more then it was me dating this person. He said he's be much more open, in the future, to him - and he hoped that we could move past this. He pretty much said everything I could have ever hoped for, but NEVER expected him to say. So, that's a good thing. Granted, my boyfriend and I have not been in his presence - together, but I'm sure that at some point it will happen - and he'll eat his words even more. I'm just glad that he's slightly more open to all of it, even if he's just putting on a show to keep me around. Because even if that's the case, he'll see what everyone said he would, at some point.

Thanks for asking, it means a lot

That is awesome! I am really glad to hear that he is being more supportive! My husband slowly but surely met all of my sisters and brothers and as they each saw us together and how truly perfect for one other we are, they were nothing but happy for us. Seeing how easily your brother saw how much this relationship means to you, I'll bet that will be the case with him as well. Congratulations!

[isobar]

Glad to hear the two you are working things out and i hope it stays that way. You know sibs get on each others' nerves from time to time. When the fog clears they usually realize it's all love even if misdirected. When your bro meets your guy it will have greater influence on him and his way of thinking.

[wheeliebear75]

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 03:25 AM, said:

Spinner, on 04 January 2012 - 02:46 AM, said:

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 02:41 AM, said:

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

@Asparagus925 how are things going with you and your brother? Is he coming around?

Interesting question...and thanks for asking

My brother and I had it out rather badly after Thanksgiving, over email. I said much of what my OP said, along with copying and pasting pretty much ALL of this thread in an email to him. After I said the things I did to him, he didn't respond. Right before Christmas I emailed him again and said I wasn't going to be nasty to him in front of my son, but my relationship with him has drastically changed, and although that's not what I want, I'm okay with that. He responded and apologized for pretty much everything. Took back everything he said about dating a a person in a wheelchair and said it was issues within himself much more then it was me dating this person. He said he's be much more open, in the future, to him - and he hoped that we could move past this. He pretty much said everything I could have ever hoped for, but NEVER expected him to say. So, that's a good thing. Granted, my boyfriend and I have not been in his presence - together, but I'm sure that at some point it will happen - and he'll eat his words even more. I'm just glad that he's slightly more open to all of it, even if he's just putting on a show to keep me around. Because even if that's the case, he'll see what everyone said he would, at some point.

Thanks for asking, it means a lot

That's great news!

[tsh3406]

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 03:25 AM, said:

Spinner, on 04 January 2012 - 02:46 AM, said:

Asparagus925, on 04 January 2012 - 02:41 AM, said:

isobar, on 03 January 2012 - 10:49 PM, said:

If you and this man want to date each other then who is your brother to judge you , or try to dictate who you decide to have a relationship with? It's your life .......... as long as the man isn't being abusive , disrespect and is considerate of your needs your brother should be happy for you. Remember most people dont see themselves with people that have physical or mental limitations as love interests. Maybe your brother thinks he knows what you need in your life when it comes to men. If you're a strong woman your brother will let you be or if he sees you two are a good match in spite of your man's SCI he'll be okay with it. We cant live each other's lives , handling your own can at times be very stressful, strange and complicated. I hope he comes around and everyone's cool with letting you be who you.

This is a great post and very much how I feel. Thank you SO much.

@Asparagus925 how are things going with you and your brother? Is he coming around?

Interesting question...and thanks for asking

My brother and I had it out rather badly after Thanksgiving, over email. I said much of what my OP said, along with copying and pasting pretty much ALL of this thread in an email to him. After I said the things I did to him, he didn't respond. Right before Christmas I emailed him again and said I wasn't going to be nasty to him in front of my son, but my relationship with him has drastically changed, and although that's not what I want, I'm okay with that. He responded and apologized for pretty much everything. Took back everything he said about dating a a person in a wheelchair and said it was issues within himself much more then it was me dating this person. He said he's be much more open, in the future, to him - and he hoped that we could move past this. He pretty much said everything I could have ever hoped for, but NEVER expected him to say. So, that's a good thing. Granted, my boyfriend and I have not been in his presence - together, but I'm sure that at some point it will happen - and he'll eat his words even more. I'm just glad that he's slightly more open to all of it, even if he's just putting on a show to keep me around. Because even if that's the case, he'll see what everyone said he would, at some point.

Thanks for asking, it means a lot

Interesting, that seems to be a common occurance with many women I dated. Their ex's, other interested guys or even just friends go ballistic when a girl starts seeing a guy in a chair. Especially if they feel she left or rejected them for said cripple, lol. It's a huge ego blow, men are very insecure and it's a huge threat to their manliness. Can't handle thinking a feller in a chair can do something better that they can....

T

[blessed2haveHER]

wheeliebear75, on 20 November 2011 - 04:07 AM, said:

My B/F got asked that.....his answer....."Cuz I love HER for how strong SHE is & I could care less about how weak her legs are!".

but thats because your wheelchair and your SCI imo dose not make you who you are it dosent define you i jst love you and all that you are .. i dont see you as any differnt than anyone else in the world everybody desurves love and im jst blessed that i have you to share it with

[wheeliebear75]

blessed2haveHER, on 12 January 2012 - 09:25 AM, said:

wheeliebear75, on 20 November 2011 - 04:07 AM, said:

My B/F got asked that.....his answer....."Cuz I love HER for how strong SHE is & I could care less about how weak her legs are!".

but thats because your wheelchair and your SCI imo dose not make you who you are it dosent define you i jst love you and all that you are .. i dont see you as any differnt than anyone else in the world everybody desurves love and im jst blessed that i have you to share it with

Awww!