22 replies to this topic

[canongirl]

I have been with my guy for a little over a year and I feel that there is almost a barrier or wall up when it comes to our relationship as well his parental relationship with his mom.
I feel that in someway they can not be mixed... We live a few hours apart and so when I come it is for a week at a time. But when his mom is over then I am not allowed there.
It hurts big time and I am having a hard time accepting it. I need to figure that out within myself....
So I was just kind of wondering if the parental relationship with an SCI is different and closer than ever? Is there a way for us both to be a part of his life without there being tension and stress?
I hope this makes sense...

[DannyR]

For some it's not the person it's more about values. When my wife and I were living together we were at my parents house when a bad storm blew in. I asked if we could spend the night and was told no it was not appropriate because we were not married. They would rather have us out fighting the weather than staying in their home where it was safe. I don't mean to say your values are in question it's just old school beliefs.

Edited by DannyR, 11 November 2011 - 10:08 PM.

[canongirl]

Thankyou for your reply....
No this goes much deeper than old school values.... I don't think mom can accept any woman in her son's life...
She will spend entire evngs laying into him all the things she has against me...
He is going to have surgery in a few days and I am not allowed to see him before it or be at the hospital... Because he doesn't want to cause any stress on him... his parents or me...
I just don't understand... I just think if we were all mature and laid our differences aside we could all be there for a support for him...
It hurts deeply that when push comes to shove family comes number one and I am cast aside....
Thanks for listening...

[Anna16]

You don't deserve this treatment.

[qbounce]

The problem obviously lies with his Mom, right?

Why doesn't she trust you?

What reasoning does she have, if any?

Have you asked your boyfriend or his mother these questions?

If there's no reason for her obvious dislike for you, then why doesn't your boyfriend stick up for you?


Offer to make some sort of connection to be a part of his family this holiday season, either during Thanksgiving or Christmas.
If that doesn't work, then you have your answer.

[catmint]

Hi canongirl

Welcome to the forum.

Just a couple of thoughts. You say his mom spends entire evenings bad mouthing you. So your not there when this is happening.? I don't get it, why does he tell you this ? Does he say he defends you to her ? If not..why not.

I sort of understand that he may not want to see anyone before surgery. My husband is like that. He doesn't want me to be at the hospital on the day of his op' in fact if he can have me leave him there the day before it's how he likes it. He says it helps him mentally prepare. So there may be nothing sinister in him not wanting to see anyone on the day before his op'.

You really need to get some answers, you've been together a year and as has been said before you deserve better.

[canongirl]

His mom is the prime defination of a narcissist...
She did like me at one point but then one wknd back in May she suddenly didn't like me anymore. He says he does defend me. I don't know why he mentions it.. I guess probably since I found out about her feelings for me I have been on the other end badmouthing his mom at times out of hurt....
He did say he wanted no stress and to try to relax before the surgery and if I get mopey that it will drive him nuts and stress him out. his mom is a dramatic woman and from what I heard from his brothers wife... they are right now as we speak having a farewell dinner for him just in case he dies....
And that they do this every time before he has a surgery....
She is a mean lady to all the women in her sons lives...
No I am not there when she goes to town... She complains about everyone and everything...
I always made an effort to be a part of them... I used to go with him at least once a month to their place.. But we haven't been there since summer for sure together...
he does defend me when she is criticizing..
But when it comes to being at the hospital he says the parents don't want anyone else there... I didn't know it was their decision... and he feels he owes them so much for all they have done for him since his injury...

[Spinner]

His mom is the prime defination of a narcissist...
She did like me at one point but then one wknd back in May she suddenly didn't like me anymore. He says he does defend me. I don't know why he mentions it.. I guess probably since I found out about her feelings for me I have been on the other end badmouthing his mom at times out of hurt....
He did say he wanted no stress and to try to relax before the surgery and if I get mopey that it will drive him nuts and stress him out. his mom is a dramatic woman and from what I heard from his brothers wife... they are right now as we speak having a farewell dinner for him just in case he dies....
And that they do this every time before he has a surgery....
She is a mean lady to all the women in her sons lives...
No I am not there when she goes to town... She complains about everyone and everything...
I always made an effort to be a part of them... I used to go with him at least once a month to their place.. But we haven't been there since summer for sure together...
he does defend me when she is criticizing..
But when it comes to being at the hospital he says the parents don't want anyone else there... I didn't know it was their decision... and he feels he owes them so much for all they have done for him since his injury...

Do you mind if I ask how old your boyfriend is? How old was he when he was injured? How long has he been injured? I wonder if his mother has been his primary caretaker for a long time and is not ready to hand her little boy off to someone else. I also wonder how much of this has to do with his age. Many mothers have trouble letting go of their sons and sons have trouble forcing them to make the break. I can only imagine that enduring the trials that come with a spinal cord injury would make that even more difficult.

[canongirl]

He got injured at 17 and he is now 39... She was his primary for sure I am sure for the first couple of years. But he moved an hr away around 22 and has lived that far before.. But he does have a very close relationship with her... And she often comes out to spend time with him. His main caregiver is not his parents though. And the week I am visiting I am the caregiver...
Spinner what you say makes sense too... But it still hurts...

[Tetracyclone]

Canongirl,
No matter how nice this fellow is, for me there is no way i would want to be part of this family. Being his GF is being 3rd-wheel to his Mom. She seems to be his primary source of intimacy and at 39 I would not expect him to change. It is a lot like being a second wife in a polygamous culture. You just are not so very important, and I would not want to get all twisted, which eventually happens in a twisty situation.

You may have to tKE THE LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN AND look for a new BF.

[Spinner]

He got injured at 17 and he is now 39... She was his primary for sure I am sure for the first couple of years. But he moved an hr away around 22 and has lived that far before.. But he does have a very close relationship with her... And she often comes out to spend time with him. His main caregiver is not his parents though. And the week I am visiting I am the caregiver...
Spinner what you say makes sense too... But it still hurts...

@canongirl, it sounds like a really tough situation to be in the middle of and I really have to agree with @tetracyclone here. I know it hurts, but when you look at this realistically, this woman has been his main support for over 20 years. :ong after a man needs to break away from his mom and become his own person, he is letting her tell him who can and cannot be present at HIS surgery. That is a huge red flag and @tetracyclone hits the nail on the head when she says you will always come in second behind this man's mother. I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh, but it feels like the truth and you could be headed for more and more hurt if you stick around.

[wheeliebear75]

I can tell you that unless things change DRASTICALLY.....this? THIS will never work for the long run. You need to be at least accepted or else every time you have to deal with her is going to put stress on both of you AND your relationship.

I got hurt at 14 + having a brain injury (including seizures) made that a bit more....shall we say "complicated" & because of which I did have to rely VERY heavily on my mother's judgment since my own was a bit messed up. But MY mother has been very reasonable about my going out. She just wants to know they (friends or dates) aren't of the type to not look out for me or allow something to happen.....God forbid they just leave me (I can EASILY get lost).

I quite literally owe my mother my life (long story) however IF she were being unreasonable in her dislike of someone there would have to be some MAJOR discussions about it til some understanding was reached.

BOTTOM LINE: He's a grown man (supposedly) so it's time to let go of mama's boobs & latch on to a firmer pair. Wups....did I say that?

Edited by wheeliebear75, 19 November 2011 - 04:11 AM.

[scaldedcat]

You did, and it was all very well said, especially "the firmer" bit part

[greybeard]

He may be 39 but it sounds as if he's still acting like a frightened17 year old. Sorry, but I don't think you have a hope in hell of making this work.

[Spinner]

I love the way the men in this thread are telling it exactly as it is! @Canongirl, listen to them, they know what they are talking about.

[canongirl]

I guess baby steps may be the key... I visited him the day after his surgery as I ended up having my own medical issues on the day of his surgery...
And spent everyday with him that I was in town... he gave his mom for sure two or three lectures in that time...
Yesterday he put it to her straight that I am the woman he is with... and the woman he is in love with and she needs to accept it and smarten up...
So its a step in the right direction... and he did it on his own... no prompting from me...
I think our relationship also grew this week and moved to a higher level...

[Spinner]

I guess baby steps may be the key... I visited him the day after his surgery as I ended up having my own medical issues on the day of his surgery...
And spent everyday with him that I was in town... he gave his mom for sure two or three lectures in that time...
Yesterday he put it to her straight that I am the woman he is with... and the woman he is in love with and she needs to accept it and smarten up...
So its a step in the right direction... and he did it on his own... no prompting from me...
I think our relationship also grew this week and moved to a higher level...

@canongirl, that sounds promising! I hope he continues to move in that direction and your relationship continues to grow, I am very happy for you and I hope he is recovering well from surgery and that your medical issues are getting better too! Maybe with time and your continued dedication to her son, his mom will come to see you as an ally rather than an enemy or competitor for his love.

[mcwriter]

canongirl, I had something sort of similar when I was first dating my husband...and this was when he was AB...

He also had a close relationship with his mother and his family very clannish, they did not take to outsiders well. For us, what it took was for her to see that I was committed to be there for him, for the good the bad & the ugly, so to speak. It did not happen overnight, and she did do her best to try to break us up many times.

When we were dating, she had a similar complaint because I had moved for my work and had to travel to see him, so like you I would come for a week here and there. To her, this was not committment, it was convenience. What she needs to see is a strength in you, that you are willing to stand up for her son and put him first like she has. No one can care for a child like a mother, so in light of that, she is not going to feel confident about you until you show her in a consistent way.

Remember that your boyfriend also has to work this out. Looks like he is starting to, but don't forget that he is in the middle between you two and that is a very hard place to be. He doesn't want to hurt either of you and he wants both of you to be happy. You must let this take it's course, give it time, and realize that whisking in for a week here and a week there looks to her more like you are "playing" than in a long-term relationship.

She is going to continue to be dramatic, but the best thing you can do about this is to make the effort to get to know her as a person. She will be your toughest egg to crack. To do this, you must learn about her, about their family, their history and why they are the way they are. This insight will help you in dealing with them on terms they understand, because right now you are like a foreigner to them. If they are at all like my husband's family, they do not ask you questions or try to get to know you because they think you are going to leave at some point and they are not geared to make attachments.

If you are certain about this relationship for the long-haul, be steadfast...literally.
Don't confront her with words, but show her by your actions and be patient. This is hard for her too. She is afraid you won't stick around, that you will hurt her son and again it will be her to pick up the pieces. Can you understand this? Looking through her eyes will help you to understand how she thinks and also help you with knowing how your boyfriend understands her and why he handles things the way he does.

Good luck to you:)

[canongirl]

Thanks Spinner...
MCWriter.... I never really stopped to look at it that way in his mom thinking I will leave and she will have to pick up the pieces... In some ways I think it is even that way with my guy... The other women in his life left... one when she felt his disability was becoming too much so perhaps he is afraid too. I am doing my best to be steadfast and true... But sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I can get a little ugly too lol...
I think this week he really saw that I am there no matter what... and I hope she saw it too.

[mcwriter]

Good for you!

Yeah, it's going to hurt and be frustrating, but this is something you will have to deal with on your own. Let her be the drama-queen. Who knows? Someday you might have the opportunity to rescue her and be the person she can lean on:)....and that will change everything.

[jwheeltiguer]

I HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM.. AND IT HAVE TAKE ME 3 YEARS TO AT LEAST GET A LITTLE BIT OF APPRECIATION ..THE POINT IS THAT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP CARING AND HELPING HIM ..THE MOTHER WOULD SEE IT ..AND SHE WILL ACCEPT YOU..MY HUSBAND IS 40 HE GOT INJURED WHEN HE WAS 17.... AND IS THE ONLY CHILD..SO IS HARDER FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW..AND MY MOTHER IN LAW SHE IS A REAL DRAMA QUEEN.. KEEP DOING GOOD FOR HIM..IT WILL PAID OFF..IS HARD..AND PROBABLY THAT IS WHAT SHE DONT TRUST THAT NO ONE WOULD HAVE ENOUGH LOVE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM..AND TRY TO AVOID PROBLEMS YOU WOULD ALWAYS LOOK GOOD...NO MATTER WHAT... THAT WOMEN WAS THE ONE THAT BROUGHT HIM TO THIS WORLD..AFTER ALL SHE RAISE HIM ..SO WHAT YOU LIKE SHE HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH IT...

[kathy.k]

cannongirl,

I have to agree with mcwriter. Some people go into a relationship with someone in a wheelchair and believe that they can handle everything. You know they think it's gotta be like taking care of a baby only bigger parts right???? Well believe me I thought that it would be so easy taking care of my C4-5 but I was wrong. When I first started living with my husband he had a caregiver who came in and did basic things for him. She got him dressed and in his wheelchair, every other day she did his bowel program and showered him, and then she came back at night and put him in bed. I was having a hard time watching how she cared for him, I thought she was rough with is body, she always rushed and I don't even want to talk about what she considered a shower. He has also had caregivers that would not show up, or did things they wanted to not what he needed. (like leave him in bed for days at a time and would bring him food once a day) Long story short, I started watching and learning and would try to do things I started out by putting him in bed. Now not only am I his wife but I am his caregiver. I do everything and I do it better.

A mother will always be there for her son. Since his injury she is the primary caretaker and his protector. If you were in her shoes you would be the same way. She wants to make sure he is taken care of no matter what or who comes along. Maybe you should try to be around when she is there and ask her if you can help with his care. Tell her you want to know everything there is to know so you can take care of him as well as she does but not better. Ask her tons of questions even personal ones find out everything you can. If she thinks of you as a partner instead of a replacement you might be able to win her trust. Also remind her that you want to be in this for the long haul, and maybe you two can become friends.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

[randomryan007]

cannongirl,

I have to agree with mcwriter. Some people go into a relationship with someone in a wheelchair and believe that they can handle everything. You know they think it's gotta be like taking care of a baby only bigger parts right???? Well believe me I thought that it would be so easy taking care of my C4-5 but I was wrong. When I first started living with my husband he had a caregiver who came in and did basic things for him. She got him dressed and in his wheelchair, every other day she did his bowel program and showered him, and then she came back at night and put him in bed. I was having a hard time watching how she cared for him, I thought she was rough with is body, she always rushed and I don't even want to talk about what she considered a shower. He has also had caregivers that would not show up, or did things they wanted to not what he needed. (like leave him in bed for days at a time and would bring him food once a day) Long story short, I started watching and learning and would try to do things I started out by putting him in bed. Now not only am I his wife but I am his caregiver. I do everything and I do it better.

A mother will always be there for her son. Since his injury she is the primary caretaker and his protector. If you were in her shoes you would be the same way. She wants to make sure he is taken care of no matter what or who comes along. Maybe you should try to be around when she is there and ask her if you can help with his care. Tell her you want to know everything there is to know so you can take care of him as well as she does but not better. Ask her tons of questions even personal ones find out everything you can. If she thinks of you as a partner instead of a replacement you might be able to win her trust. Also remind her that you want to be in this for the long haul, and maybe you two can become friends.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

very well put!


my mom was the same way till my best friend jumped in then once my mom felt i was safe and my needs were being met. and only then did she back off. My best friend is also my ex. my mom worried that she couldn't help me with this and help me with that, ect. ect. ect. I only had a care giver once in my life. and My mom fired them. one I wasn't getting fed. 2 wasn't being takin to the doctor, bathing whats that? so after my mom fired the caregiver my mom became my prime caregiver. till my best friend came around. ( by coming around I mean coming to accept what was going on) then once my mom knew she could do it my mom backed off. althou. this is something that will be done over time. The other thing that my mom never did. she never caddled me. she made dam certian that she made me help me. no if ands or buts. for my own good in the beginning she pushed and pushed. she even made it load and clear that under no cercumstances shall anyone baby me. that I was a grown man that only needed help. with my moms tough love I am in a better place. my best friend also makes me do alot. but only out of love. I can cook from my chair. and sweep from my chair, mop from my chair, dust, laundry if its a front load, dishes ect. althou i am not able to do it all the time. I am still able to do it.

This mother to me sounds very very very worried bout her sons care and well being, don't be a threat. be a helper. untill this happens she's never gonna let you in. althou from what you said about her sons other wife. this may be a loosing battle. hope everything works its way out. best wishes!

Edited by randomryan007, 16 December 2011 - 02:52 PM.