12 replies to this topic

[skinnylatte]

My husband (c5/6) and I have been married for a little more than 2 years. I am his primary caregiver for a few reasons. 1. I have never liked having home health aides coming in and out of our home, it feels like an invasion of privacy to me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself when they are there (awkward). 2. I work long hours and have a long commute, so my husband and I only have so much time together. It is nice to go to bed together and get up together. 3. We can't afford it at all.

This year, I have had to travel more and more for my job. When I am out of town, we hire home health aides to come in the mornings and get him up/help with bathroom stuff. In the evenings, we have friends who come and help him get in the bed. Sometimes they all hang out, then they help him get in bed. It works out great because my husband is a very social person and loves the company.

But, recently we have had a problem, because I found out that sometimes women (not home health aides, but friends of ours who are married, by the way) are coming into our bedroom. This upset me. I already don't like that friends are seeing my husband naked (feels so strange, because when you are husband and wife, you are the only ones who are supposed to see each other naked). It makes me feel violated. These women aren't seeing him naked, but I don't like the thought of them waiting on my husband while he is in the bed, and tucking him in.

I want to keep our bedroom sacred. I understand he needs help. And, I am thankful for the friends we have who help us! But, we have been fighting about this boundary. It's not even that I think my husband is going to do anything inappropriate with any of these women. They are married. He would never. It's more of an issue for me, it makes me feel weird, awkward, and violated. And, I just think that if it bothers me that much, he should respect that boundary because he loves me.

What do you guys think? Am I being a crazy person?

[greybeard]

Confused.

You say you're glad you have friends who help put him to bed when you are away, but get upset when they go into your bedroom.

You say " I already don't like that friends are seeing my husband naked" - then say "These women aren't seeing him naked"..

These seem to be contradictions. Your husband may be having the same difficulty understanding your concerns as I am.

[lavenderthistle]

As a wife, I understand the perceived violation of the bedroom. I'm guessing here that you would prefer a man to tuck him in rather than a woman.

Sadly, women are the 'tuckeriners' (I made that up) because we are more nurturing. We tend to care more and want to be kinder to those we are helping.

I understand your concern, but you might need to put it aside and just thank these women for taking the time.
I get very frustrated when my husband gets sick or whiney...I'm less sympathetic to him than I am at times to others. The women (you said they are married) might be filling the nurture need because we tend to ignore our husbands after, oh 20 years or so!

I suspect you might also feel kind of guilty for not being there for that special night time kindness.

My advice...ask if he could have guy friends tuck him in.

[Ginny]

I agree with Lavender. I'm sure the women are reaching out in a caring way and not intending to cause discomfort to either of you. I've found that since SCI, some people don't know what would be helpful for me and sometimes make the wrong decisions. I give them the benefit of the doubt on that because their intentions are sincere.

I'm not quite sure that I would feel violated in this scenario. It might be uncomfortable, but 'violated' has the connotation of intentional harm. It doesn't seem as if that's what's going on here.

You have a lot to handle. It's a huge job to assist someone who can't do for themselves and also manage all the household jobs and be the bread winner to boot. When I read your post, I was more concerned for you and all that you have to manage than for your husband. I hope that you have some outlets for rest and recreation for yourself...some time to follow your enjoyments. It's very difficult not to put those on the back burner permanently, when there are so many other pressing matters to contend with. I give you credit for being so faithful and for doing your best without seeming to complain. That's something not many people would be able to pull off.

[qbounce]

The thing most vulnerable about a guy getting help from friends isn't his body being exposed, it's his heart. But, you said you know he or they would never do anything to act on it.

Unfortunately, this jealousy you're feeling is really you're problem and yours alone. He has a serious need for help and night care, and your friends are filling that void, nothing more.

What boundaries can you give him if he needs someone in the bedroom to help him transfer on the bed?

[wheeliebear75]

I can understand your feelings & unease.....but lets face it some of those "rules" kinda HAVE TO be thrown out when one partner has something as BIG as a C5 SCI. Normally it is proper to presume that that room which you & your husband spend some of your most intimate moments would be a closed off area to most people.......NORMALLY. BUT normally a full grown man doesn't need to be tucked in cuz he can get his own ass in bed & turn himself til he's comfy + get the blankets & pillows just the way he likes them.....but he can't! Find out if the husbands can come to help instead of the wives....but essentially I think you just have to be grateful it's friends coming in doing this instead of people who are just hired (you may find the odds of a few blank checks coming up missing or any jewelery substantially less.....I have had BOTH happen to me thanks to HIRED help).

I should also add:trust is a VITAL part of a successful marriage! You say you've been fighting a little over this? You guys are "newlyweds".....please don't allow this issue to bother you so much or come between you; he NEEDS to not feel anymore guilty for needing the help than a GUY (I'm sure they have a harder time accepting help than us chicks do.....we're taught from a young age "it's OK to let someone assist us." boys/males are often made to feel like less of "a MAN" if they needed help) already does, & #2 I don't think you want him doubting your trust in HIM or whether you & he are still on "solid ground" (make him think you doubt his love for you or that he might do something....& things can get really bad really quick....guys get hurt feelings too they just rarely own up to them.).

[Tetracyclone]

" I just think that if it bothers me that much, he should respect that boundary because he loves me."

SkinnyL- This is the most common and toxic error people can make in marriage. You believe that your husband should fix your discomfort because he loves you. This could occur in many situations, but the basic issue is that your reactions are your responsibility. When we have a strong emotional reaction that doesn't really make a lot of sense, even though we can work up a good sounding justification for it, it is on us- YOU, to explore, understand, and change your emotional landscape.

You are deeply uncomfortable about "public" nudity. See a counselor and get over it. You work too hard for this? Write in a journal while on the plane, or dictate in the car to at least get inner clarity. Why do I feel this way? What if I am wrong? What if I have always been wrong about a lot of things?

It is all part of gaining maturity and marriage is the one relationship that will challenge us the most to change and mature. Or we accommodate one another's fears and develop deep anger about being manipulated.

In short, get a grip, girl. We always fail when we try to get people to protect and coddle our fears.

[Writer10]

 greybeard, on 19 November 2011 - 03:19 PM, said:

Confused.

You say you're glad you have friends who help put him to bed when you are away, but get upset when they go into your bedroom.

You say " I already don't like that friends are seeing my husband naked" - then say "These women aren't seeing him naked"..

These seem to be contradictions. Your husband may be having the same difficulty understanding your concerns as I am.

GB,

I don't want to speak for SkinnyLatte, but I know what she's saying. I'm dating a C4/C5 quad who has 3 daily visits from attendants, all super-sweet, professional women who know I'm his girlfriend and treat me with respect. However, there was an awkward moment the other evening when he and I were hanging out and his ex-gf called, asking if she could come over to help with some things, and inquiring about intimate parts of his body. He gave brief answers to her questions, then cut the call short with, "Hey, I'm in the middle of something right now, can we talk about this later?" She knows about me but didn't know I was there. It was soooooo uncomfortable for me, but because he told me from the get-go that she was still one of his best friends, I stayed quiet about it. But it bothers me, because he's my boyfriend and I don't like other women (outside of his PCA's) seeing him naked. It's a double-edged sword that makes me feel guilty, because I'm happy she lives nearby and can help if he needs it, but logic - and my heart - require boundaries in situations such as these.

 lavenderthistle, on 19 November 2011 - 03:32 PM, said:

As a wife, I understand the perceived violation of the bedroom. I'm guessing here that you would prefer a man to tuck him in rather than a woman.

Sadly, women are the 'tuckeriners' (I made that up) because we are more nurturing. We tend to care more and want to be kinder to those we are helping.

I understand your concern, but you might need to put it aside and just thank these women for taking the time.
I get very frustrated when my husband gets sick or whiney...I'm less sympathetic to him than I am at times to others. The women (you said they are married) might be filling the nurture need because we tend to ignore our husbands after, oh 20 years or so!

I suspect you might also feel kind of guilty for not being there for that special night time kindness.

My advice...ask if he could have guy friends tuck him in.

Hi Lavender,

I'm in a similar situation to SkinnyLatte, thanks so much for your thoughtful response. Your advice is great.

[wheeliebear75]

"I don't want to speak for SkinnyLatte, but I know what she's saying. I'm dating a C4/C5 quad who has 3 daily visits from attendants, all super-sweet, professional women who know I'm his girlfriend and treat me with respect. However, there was an awkward moment the other evening when he and I were hanging out and his ex-gf called, asking if she could come over to help with some things, and inquiring about intimate parts of his body. He gave brief answers to her questions, then cut the call short with, "Hey, I'm in the middle of something right now, can we talk about this later?" She knows about me but didn't know I was there. It was soooooo uncomfortable for me, but because he told me from the get-go that she was still one of his best friends, I stayed quiet about it. But it bothers me, because he's my boyfriend and I don't like other women (outside of his PCA's) seeing him naked. It's a double-edged sword that makes me feel guilty, because I'm happy she lives nearby and can help if he needs it, but logic - and my heart - require boundaries in situations such as these."

In MY opinion we're comparing apples to oranges here; these ladies are not only married but no mention of their being past girlfriends was ever mentioned.....YOUR issue is not with WOMEN seeing/helping your fella but an ex GIRLFRIEND, & this extra help seems to ONLY be happening when she is busy with work & unable to do be there to do it herself.....your fella isn't setting the boundaries & limitations one would expect to have in a monogamous relationship such as not asking about a guy's body parts that don't need to be asked about & just hearing "I'm with my girlfriend right now, she'll take care of THOSE parts, & I'll talk to you another time.". To Writer10 I'd be uneasy about that situation but for completely different reasons than what SkinnyLatte is describing. Unless SkinnyLatte & her husband want to put their bed in the living-room or she can find a job that doesn't require she do any traveling or overtime.....this is just a logistical problem she's gonna have to "get over". YOU girlfriend have a deeper problem....you can ONLY change yourself....other people will ONLY change IF THEY WANT TO change.

[skinnylatte]

Thanks, guys. We had already talked about it before I posted on here. He agreed to just let the guys IN the bedroom. That he would accept the line there, unless of course he was in some dire situation. I would obviously NEVER want him to go without anything he needs, I love him very much! And whoever said I have guilt over leaving him, yes, of course I do! But, I am at a critical part of my dream job, and my husband is so loving and sweet that he WANTS me to travel for this season and soak it all up now, before we have kids. What I'm doing is once-in-a-lifetime stuff. We are each others' biggest fans, and he is 100% behind my dream. He is also respectful of me and my privacy and understands that while he is 17 years into this whole managing day to day life with a SCI, I am only 2 years in, and I still have a lot of growing to do. 99% of that is emotional growth.

Thanks for those of you that encouraged me to search myself, and work on my own emotions, too. I appreciate that. I write a lot to get through the tough stuff and it does help. I am searching my heart and seeking growth here. I know it will come. But, I am so thankful for a husband who loves and respects me and wants to protect me, too.

[scaldedcat]

I think the last part of your post "But, I am so thankful for a husband who loves and respects me and wants to protect me, too" is the most important of all. I know I could not have got through the last two years without the love and respect of my beautiful wife who has done nothing but support me through everything (even when I was being a grumpy ass). While you have that love and respect for each other, everthing else will sort itself out. Best wishes to both of you.

[Tetracyclone]

 skinnylatte, on 20 November 2011 - 06:10 AM, said:

Thanks, guys. ...
Thanks for those of you that encouraged me to search myself, and work on my own emotions, too. I appreciate that. I write a lot to get through the tough stuff and it does help. I am searching my heart and seeking growth here. I know it will come. But, I am so thankful for a husband who loves and respects me and wants to protect me, too.

You have my respect. You are open and growing, and that is as much as anyone can manage.

[megatrig]

The important thing is that you are dealing with it!

Being open and discussing it.

Personally for myself being naked in front of people in respect of "care" isn't a problem.

It is also a very, very NO SEXUAL place or feeling. Care .. dressing ... etc ... IS VERY REMOVED FROM ... candles, soft music, etc.

Hope that quick breif reply makes some sense?? More anon.