17 replies to this topic

[HopefulOne]

Hello everyone! I'm new to the site...I joined because my boyfriend who was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident is a member of the site, talks about it frequently, told me to check it out, and I thought maybe I could find some answers.

Long story short, I met my bf after his accident, so I never knew him when he was standing. My only knowledge of him is just as he is right now, sitting. We have known each other a little over 2 years and been together a year now. We live together, talk about our future of marriage and possibly kids...but in almost every serious conversation, he always has to question why I'm with him.

He still has not fully accepted his injury, it's been a little over 3 years since the accident. I feel I have proven my love and devotion to him in every way possible, but I can't seem to get it through to him that there is no reason to question why I would want to be with him. Not being in his position, or any other parapelgic's position, I cannot fully understand his feelings or where he is coming from all the time, but I have accepted his injury and his life style, and we have adjusted our lives to make our future work.

My question for everyone is...will this questioning of his ever pass? Is it possible for him to fully accept my love and move on from worrying that I could find someone better, and finally bite the bullet and move on to marriage and a family? I know many people who are with someone who is paralyzed were more than likely together before the incident occurred. But I also know that it is not impossible to fall in love with someone who has been paralyzed. I find it crazy that anyone would even question that. Yes, the relationship isn't easy, at times it can get extremely difficult, but I don't treat my bf as if he is abnormal, because to me he's not. I love him just the way he is, and I'm hoping maybe with some advice from some of you, I can figure out a way to get him passed these negative feelings that he is not good enough for me, because he is, he's perfect for me.

Thanks for listening! Any words of encouragement or stories of how you may have dealt with a situation like this would be so helpful. Have a wonderful day!

[Vanessamaee]

I really hope I dont end up marrying the guy I was dating before my accident! He was a complete asshole, plus everyone knows that a 16 year olds relationship almost never lasts ;) BUT first off, if he sees this, he will know. But to be totally honest. there will be days. There will be days that he wonders why you even stick with him. I feel sometimes that I hold my friends and family back from doing exciting stuff they may want to do. But they reassure me that Im the one that does and thinks of the exciting stuff lol. The guy I am currently "talking" to (not dating yet due to distance, but that is going to change in a couple months due to college) has spina bifida. However he can walk. And I even feel myself wondering sometimes why he is dating a girl in a chair. A year isn't very long, give it time (: You two obviosuly care about eachother and with time it will settle with him (: Sorry, not sure that to helpful but I can relate!

Edited by Vanessamaee, 23 November 2011 - 09:54 PM.

[Ginny]

Even people who don't have a dibilitating illness or injury ask themselves that question. I guess we all know we're not perfect and when we meet a person that we feel is so stellar, we wonder why they chose us, and why they continue to stay. With an SCI injury those questions are even more signficant because we know how difficult that life can be.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and I had total faith in our relationship before my accident. I still have total faith in him. However, I have to ask him, once in a while, if he doesn't get sick of me walking so slow, of him having to help me with things.

I hope that your bf comes around with time and with knowing you longer and trusting your motives and your love. I loved the tone of your post and believe that you are a big hearted person with only the best of intentions. Having such a partner would be golden for someone in a wheelchair. I hope it works out for you both!

[Tetracyclone]

Certainly a crips lack of confidence in a relationship can grow purely from his/her doubt of the cripped self. however, one can also suspect this person is projecting their own lack of confidence in the relationship itself. Your question deserves very careful thought, and couple's counseling can be a huge help for ANYONE considering marriage. It just helps to talk to a 3rd party.

[mellowgator]

in rehab they the shrinks took my husband aside and told him to go ahead and leave me so i can move on with my life. most of the people who are in a relationship before their accident get left by thier so's. so i don't find it abnormal to for him to feel insecure especially since his injury is so new. it's a huge hit to the ego. if you love him stick it out and just be patient with him.


good luck,

mellowgator

[Millard]

mellowgator, on 24 November 2011 - 03:51 AM, said:

in rehab they the shrinks took my husband aside and told him to go ahead and leave me so i can move on with my life. most of the people who are in a relationship before their accident get left by thier so's. so i don't find it abnormal to for him to feel insecure especially since his injury is so new. it's a huge hit to the ego. if you love him stick it out and just be patient with him.


good luck,

mellowgator

I used to be very insecure after I was first married. We met after my injury so she knew what she was getting into.


A few years later I had to have surgery. My urologist had me in the hospital for a TURP surgery. He took my wife aside and told her I would probably be impotent after surgery (I wasn't).


He also told her that many AB's wives would file for a divorce after their husbands had this surgery.


She told my urologist, "Go ahead with surgery as we are best friends first and lovers second." That made me very proud of my wife. (We just celebrated our 40th anniversary last September.)


Good luck and give it a try.

[switney]

For you to make an effort to cme to this forum shows how much you care for him. However, you need to have sme patience with him knowing where he is comes frm. I'm having problems accepting that sme1 can love me like this even when they try to make a move. I am always at a gard, i feel like they want to mock me. I am almost 2yrs on the road but still very scared. I hope that yo bf will get to know that you are for real. As of now, just work on showing him that you are genuine. I hope for the best for both of u.

For you to make an effort to cme to this forum shows how much you care for him. However, you need to have sme patience with him knowing where he is comes frm. I'm having problems accepting that sme1 can love me like this even when they try to make a move. I am always at a gard, i feel like they want to mock me. I am almost 2yrs on the road but still very scared. I hope that yo bf will get to know that you are for real. As of now, just work on showing him that you are genuine. I hope for the best for both of u.

[Melizzle]

My boyfriend and I knew each other before his accident, but didn't really start a relationship until a couple of months after his injury. I can relate with your situation because he too often questions why I love him and wants to know if I ever think about dating other guys. It's hard because I know he misses his life before he got hurt and he misses a lot of the things we used to do together. It's just important to accept the fact that even though there are some things we will probably never do together again, there are also a lot of things that we get to do now that we wouldn't have done if it wasn't for his injury. Heck, we might not even be together if he hadn't of gotten hurt when he did. That's a long story though that I won't bore you with right now. Just continue to show him how happy he makes you and persevere with patience. His confidence and trust will come around when he finally realizes you aren't going anywhere!

[A trophy guy]

I met the love of my life after I was paralyzed. We met and began dating about three years into my life as a paraplegic, and moved in together about a year later.

But, as everyone here knows oh so well, life can be quite hard sometimes and the forces that shape the stories of our lives are inscrutable and confusing. Because of these inscrutable forces, we are not together any longer. But we still love each other greatly, are best friends, and deep down I know we are the only people who truly understand one another.

[wheeliebear75]

I'm not sure if it is something that will ever "stop".....but Tetra's idea of going to a couple's counseling is a good one....if you do decide to seek one out I'd double check their personal take on being in a relationship with someone who is disabled BECAUSE you want a counselor who will support that.

I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself. When you've heard stories like mine where my now EX-husband said things like "But she can do it standing up.", or where a husband/wife was made to feel their partner "needed extracurricular activities" even getting them an escort.....those things make everyone who hasn't already had something like that happen is waiting for it to happen. Lots of AB's put their foot past their mouth & down their throat asking "WHY?!?!?" when they find out a co-worker is dating/married to someone who is disabled.

I'm always worrying that all of the times I'm not "pulling my weight" as far as doing chores around the house are going to start irritating him.....I know he loves ME, but I also know he COULD use the extra help. I know he loves watching movies in bed together....but I also know he'd probably like to not have to ask "Are you feeling up to going out today?".....so I worry. I know that he'd like to walk down the pier hand in hand.....so he sits with me in the car & we watch the sunsets that way.....but I still worry that that will get "old". I know that we are friends 1st & lovers 2nd....but I still worry that at some point he's going to get sick of of waiting for me to not hurt so we CAN enjoy our "special time". I know he says that he doesn't mind the extra chores & that he loves me no matter what.....& I DO "believe him"....but I'm not sure if this nagging worry will ever "go away"....I can only pray this fear of loosing the love of life to another woman stays just that....just an inner fear.

You love him enough to come HERE as others have said....so that shows you're most likely not just toying with him & his heart....but just like us ladies always want to try & look our best for our fella so their eyes aren't pushed towards others the guys have their own set of criteria that society places importance on & for guys in a w/c this is a much harder life with regard to doing "manly ___insert_grunting_ape_sounds_here___ things" like getting things off of top shelves & lifting heavy boxes....no such pressure on us chicks.

______________________________________________________________
I read my b/f this post: To which he "Never!" & "Not in a million years!" were his responses to MY concerns. Also "Well you only worry when you have something worth loosing #1, & #2 able-bodied people worry about their S.O. going elsewhere from time to time too.". "I worry about loosing you (he means ME) cuz you're everything to me & I've wanted you for so long. I worry about loosing YOU because I know there are other guys out there that would want you....to me you're a diamond.....you're just a diamond on wheels." He says it isn't "irritating" not only because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite (he worries about it too)but because he can understand WHY we (people who are disabled) would worry so much...just look at the statistics....

Edited by wheeliebear75, 28 November 2011 - 09:34 AM.

[xxm]

You say you are in love with him but say nothing about whether HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
The answer of this question is what you need most.
Being disabled in many situations is used as an excuse for doing or not doing something especially in the delicate area of personal/love relations.

Now from the distance of time I realize that my last relationship broke not because - as I used to say - "You deserve better and happier future " but simply because ..

I was not in love with her

Keep this in mind

Rudy

[megatrig]

hmmmm He needs to get to a more secure place for sure!

I almost hate to ay "councilling"! .. but!!

He needs to workk out why he thinks this way to get over it.

[A trophy guy]

wheeliebear75, on 28 November 2011 - 09:33 AM, said:

I'm not sure if it is something that will ever "stop".....but Tetra's idea of going to a couple's counseling is a good one....if you do decide to seek one out I'd double check their personal take on being in a relationship with someone who is disabled BECAUSE you want a counselor who will support that.

I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself. When you've heard stories like mine where my now EX-husband said things like "But she can do it standing up.", or where a husband/wife was made to feel their partner "needed extracurricular activities" even getting them an escort.....those things make everyone who hasn't already had something like that happen is waiting for it to happen. Lots of AB's put their foot past their mouth & down their throat asking "WHY?!?!?" when they find out a co-worker is dating/married to someone who is disabled.

I'm always worrying that all of the times I'm not "pulling my weight" as far as doing chores around the house are going to start irritating him.....I know he loves ME, but I also know he COULD use the extra help. I know he loves watching movies in bed together....but I also know he'd probably like to not have to ask "Are you feeling up to going out today?".....so I worry. I know that he'd like to walk down the pier hand in hand.....so he sits with me in the car & we watch the sunsets that way.....but I still worry that that will get "old". I know that we are friends 1st & lovers 2nd....but I still worry that at some point he's going to get sick of of waiting for me to not hurt so we CAN enjoy our "special time". I know he says that he doesn't mind the extra chores & that he loves me no matter what.....& I DO "believe him"....but I'm not sure if this nagging worry will ever "go away"....I can only pray this fear of loosing the love of life to another woman stays just that....just an inner fear.

You love him enough to come HERE as others have said....so that shows you're most likely not just toying with him & his heart....but just like us ladies always want to try & look our best for our fella so their eyes aren't pushed towards others the guys have their own set of criteria that society places importance on & for guys in a w/c this is a much harder life with regard to doing "manly ___insert_grunting_ape_sounds_here___ things" like getting things off of top shelves & lifting heavy boxes....no such pressure on us chicks.

______________________________________________________________
I read my b/f this post: To which he "Never!" & "Not in a million years!" were his responses to MY concerns. Also "Well you only worry when you have something worth loosing #1, & #2 able-bodied people worry about their S.O. going elsewhere from time to time too.". "I worry about loosing you (he means ME) cuz you're everything to me & I've wanted you for so long. I worry about loosing YOU because I know there are other guys out there that would want you....to me you're a diamond.....you're just a diamond on wheels." He says it isn't "irritating" not only because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite (he worries about it too)but because he can understand WHY we (people who are disabled) would worry so much...just look at the statistics....

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old?

"I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

[tsh3406]

A trophy guy, on 28 November 2011 - 07:47 PM, said:

wheeliebear75, on 28 November 2011 - 09:33 AM, said:

I'm not sure if it is something that will ever "stop".....but Tetra's idea of going to a couple's counseling is a good one....if you do decide to seek one out I'd double check their personal take on being in a relationship with someone who is disabled BECAUSE you want a counselor who will support that.

I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself. When you've heard stories like mine where my now EX-husband said things like "But she can do it standing up.", or where a husband/wife was made to feel their partner "needed extracurricular activities" even getting them an escort.....those things make everyone who hasn't already had something like that happen is waiting for it to happen. Lots of AB's put their foot past their mouth & down their throat asking "WHY?!?!?" when they find out a co-worker is dating/married to someone who is disabled.

I'm always worrying that all of the times I'm not "pulling my weight" as far as doing chores around the house are going to start irritating him.....I know he loves ME, but I also know he COULD use the extra help. I know he loves watching movies in bed together....but I also know he'd probably like to not have to ask "Are you feeling up to going out today?".....so I worry. I know that he'd like to walk down the pier hand in hand.....so he sits with me in the car & we watch the sunsets that way.....but I still worry that that will get "old". I know that we are friends 1st & lovers 2nd....but I still worry that at some point he's going to get sick of of waiting for me to not hurt so we CAN enjoy our "special time". I know he says that he doesn't mind the extra chores & that he loves me no matter what.....& I DO "believe him"....but I'm not sure if this nagging worry will ever "go away"....I can only pray this fear of loosing the love of life to another woman stays just that....just an inner fear.

You love him enough to come HERE as others have said....so that shows you're most likely not just toying with him & his heart....but just like us ladies always want to try & look our best for our fella so their eyes aren't pushed towards others the guys have their own set of criteria that society places importance on & for guys in a w/c this is a much harder life with regard to doing "manly ___insert_grunting_ape_sounds_here___ things" like getting things off of top shelves & lifting heavy boxes....no such pressure on us chicks.

______________________________________________________________
I read my b/f this post: To which he "Never!" & "Not in a million years!" were his responses to MY concerns. Also "Well you only worry when you have something worth loosing #1, & #2 able-bodied people worry about their S.O. going elsewhere from time to time too.". "I worry about loosing you (he means ME) cuz you're everything to me & I've wanted you for so long. I worry about loosing YOU because I know there are other guys out there that would want you....to me you're a diamond.....you're just a diamond on wheels." He says it isn't "irritating" not only because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite (he worries about it too)but because he can understand WHY we (people who are disabled) would worry so much...just look at the statistics....

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old?

"I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

I took that to mean they met at 14, later got married and had a child, then split up after he got caught rootin' around in the neighbors "pipes"

[Trinity]

A trophy guy, on 28 November 2011 - 07:47 PM, said:

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old?

"I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

Try:- I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" Fast forward some years and the relationship ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself."

[A trophy guy]

Trinity, on 28 November 2011 - 08:10 PM, said:

A trophy guy, on 28 November 2011 - 07:47 PM, said:

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old?

"I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

Try:- I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" Fast forward some years and the relationship ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself."

Oh, lol, gotcha. I'm slow.

[wheeliebear75]

Yup.

tsh3406, on 28 November 2011 - 08:08 PM, said:

A trophy guy, on 28 November 2011 - 07:47 PM, said:

wheeliebear75, on 28 November 2011 - 09:33 AM, said:

I'm not sure if it is something that will ever "stop".....but Tetra's idea of going to a couple's counseling is a good one....if you do decide to seek one out I'd double check their personal take on being in a relationship with someone who is disabled BECAUSE you want a counselor who will support that.I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself. When you've heard stories like mine where my now EX-husband said things like "But she can do it standing up.", or where a husband/wife was made to feel their partner "needed extracurricular activities" even getting them an escort.....those things make everyone who hasn't already had something like that happen is waiting for it to happen. Lots of AB's put their foot past their mouth & down their throat asking "WHY?!?!?" when they find out a co-worker is dating/married to someone who is disabled. I'm always worrying that all of the times I'm not "pulling my weight" as far as doing chores around the house are going to start irritating him.....I know he loves ME, but I also know he COULD use the extra help. I know he loves watching movies in bed together....but I also know he'd probably like to not have to ask "Are you feeling up to going out today?".....so I worry. I know that he'd like to walk down the pier hand in hand.....so he sits with me in the car & we watch the sunsets that way.....but I still worry that that will get "old". I know that we are friends 1st & lovers 2nd....but I still worry that at some point he's going to get sick of of waiting for me to not hurt so we CAN enjoy our "special time". I know he says that he doesn't mind the extra chores & that he loves me no matter what.....& I DO "believe him"....but I'm not sure if this nagging worry will ever "go away"....I can only pray this fear of loosing the love of life to another woman stays just that....just an inner fear.You love him enough to come HERE as others have said....so that shows you're most likely not just toying with him & his heart....but just like us ladies always want to try & look our best for our fella so their eyes aren't pushed towards others the guys have their own set of criteria that society places importance on & for guys in a w/c this is a much harder life with regard to doing "manly ___insert_grunting_ape_sounds_here___ things" like getting things off of top shelves & lifting heavy boxes....no such pressure on us chicks.______________________________________________________________I read my b/f this post: To which he "Never!" & "Not in a million years!" were his responses to MY concerns. Also "Well you only worry when you have something worth loosing #1, & #2 able-bodied people worry about their S.O. going elsewhere from time to time too.". "I worry about loosing you (he means ME) cuz you're everything to me & I've wanted you for so long. I worry about loosing YOU because I know there are other guys out there that would want you....to me you're a diamond.....you're just a diamond on wheels." He says it isn't "irritating" not only because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite (he worries about it too)but because he can understand WHY we (people who are disabled) would worry so much...just look at the statistics....

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old? "I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

I took that to mean they met at 14, later got married and had a child, then split up after he got caught rootin' around in the neighbors "pipes"

And double YUP!

Trinity, on 28 November 2011 - 08:10 PM, said:

A trophy guy, on 28 November 2011 - 07:47 PM, said:

I'm sorry, this is neither here nor there, but I am confused by what you wrote here. Are you saying you had a 4 year old child when you were 14 years old? "I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" but it ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself." ???

Try:- I was only 14 when I got hurt; the boy I was dating at the time did "stick around" Fast forward some years and the relationship ended quite badly with me coming home early only to find him "fixing the neighbor's pipes" & left our 4 yr old ADHD son in the house all by himself."

[wheeliebear75]

I was hurt April 28th 1990 @ age 14, turned 15 August of 1990, got pregnant in spring of 1991 (you know I really wish Children's hospital would have said my uterus unlike the bladder was unaffected.....I thought they were ran by the same system....so no "protection" & I got pregers), got married & turned 16 in the summer of 91, had girls in Dec 91 + Jan 93 + April 94, lost a baby boy in 96 1/2 way along, Nov 97 gave birth to our son, 2001 I was almost certain he was cheating on me, & in 2002 (when our son was about 4&1/2) I came home early & basically caught him cheating (we'd already tried couples counseling for him doing this before)....and this relationship started with a ski-trip that ended with us having our 1st date about 3&1/2mo before I got hurt & we started divorce proceedings in late 2002 & after about a year of duking it out in family court (custody battle) we were granted the divorce & it was finalized 6mo later. Not sure how/where my timing doesn't fit.