10 replies to this topic

[Jessesmom]

My son was injured 11 years ago. At 8 years out, we thought things were going well - his girlfriend stuck with him, and they were married, had bought a house and a couple of cars with his injury settlement. Then they had fertility problems, and everything unraveled - they separated 2 years ago in February. He partied it up for the first year. Last winter was very difficult - he can't manage a house on his own with the snow - some days was trapped until the shoveler came. Also, can't really afford it on his own, so we have helped him quite a bit financially. The stress on everyone has been heavy. They've decided that she will stay in the house until it sells and he will get an apartment, but he's having a hard time finding one with an elevator, close to work, and with at least 30" door frames. I'm sure all of this is doable, but he is running out of time. Last night he'd had a few drinks, and that's when he gets emotional. Says how this is never going to end, things would be so easy if he was "upright``. It tears me up. He has a good job and lots of friends. I know divorce is hard on anyone - emotionally and financially, but SCI really complicates everything. I would give anything if this could never had happened to him, but it doesn`t work that way. And if throwing money at it would fix everything, I`d find a way to do that too, but I have a feeling that is not the answer.
To other parents - have you let go of the dreams you had of how your child's life would be? When do you step in, when do you stand back?

Edited by Jessesmom, 27 November 2011 - 12:30 PM.

[paul1404]

You sound like a lovely mum! I can't give you any pearls of wisdom becuase you will always be his mum and worry about him. That's what mums do. I'm 54 and 250 pounds and my mum thinks I'm wasting away, and that's why I love her so much.

[jscott92064]

Jessesmom, on 27 November 2011 - 12:22 PM, said:

My son was injured 11 years ago. At 8 years out, we thought things were going well - his girlfriend stuck with him, and they were married, had bought a house and a couple of cars with his injury settlement. Then they had fertility problems, and everything unraveled - they separated 2 years ago in February. He partied it up for the first year. Last winter was very difficult - he can't manage a house on his own with the snow - some days was trapped until the shoveler came. Also, can't really afford it on his own, so we have helped him quite a bit financially. The stress on everyone has been heavy. They've decided that she will stay in the house until it sells and he will get an apartment, but he's having a hard time finding one with an elevator, close to work, and with at least 30" door frames. I'm sure all of this is doable, but he is running out of time. Last night he'd had a few drinks, and that's when he gets emotional. Says how this is never going to end, things would be so easy if he was "upright``. It tears me up. He has a good job and lots of friends. I know divorce is hard on anyone - emotionally and financially, but SCI really complicates everything. I would give anything if this could never had happened to him, but it doesn`t work that way. And if throwing money at it would fix everything, I`d find a way to do that too, but I have a feeling that is not the answer.
To other parents - have you let go of the dreams you had of how your child's life would be? When do you step in, when do you stand back?

You step in when he needs you, not when he wants you. There is a difference.

You let him ask for what he needs and he can only ask when he is sober.

You remind him of the good he has in his life - his friends, his job, you, etc.

You remind him others make it through divorce with SCI and he can too.

You sound like a wonderful caring person and I wish the best for you.

[Quad65]

It's a fine line parents have to walk between being a supporter and being an enabler. jscott92064 makes some good points. Unfortunately, life as an SCI is often rough. Unless the person is extremely well-grounded and financially independent, there are going to be serious problems to deal with, same as an AB.

[Ratticis]

Shorty after I got gimped, I told my mom to leave me alone and let me live. Don't hover over me in case I ever fall, but just be there to help me up again if I do. You obviously care a great deal for him. I also see you're from Red Deer, so I gotta ask if he's talked to CPA about helping find somewheres to live. Sounds kinda like he's suffering a little from "If Only Syndrome" too. Lots of people think life would be so simple "if only" this or that were different. But, it isn't and dwelling on it doesn't help. Hope things start getting better soon. Good luck.

[Jessesmom]

Thank you all for your kind words. Ratticis, I think he is going to call CPA tomorrow. Maybe that would be a good thing that would come out of all this. You are right - "if only" doesn't help, only makes us feel helpless. He hasn't left himself enough time - but he's not homeless, just stressed. How do you cope with the winter?

[Ratticis]

Winter sucks. Truth be rold, this is the first winter since getting gimped that I'm not in the hospital. Most days when I'm stuck in the house I try to do something productive on the computer (write, make a movie). Last spring I got a snowmobile, still waiting to take that out

[A trophy guy]

Jessesmom, on 28 November 2011 - 04:43 AM, said:

Thank you all for your kind words. Ratticis, I think he is going to call CPA tomorrow. Maybe that would be a good thing that would come out of all this. You are right - "if only" doesn't help, only makes us feel helpless. He hasn't left himself enough time - but he's not homeless, just stressed. How do you cope with the winter?

I know I'm not up there in Canada, but we deal with a pretty good bit of snow here in Michigan too and I have a fair amount of experience dealing with it, as I'm out and about pretty much every single day of the winter, regardless of the conditions, as I live alone and must do certain things at times.

Gloves, gloves, gloves. I never stop looking for the perfect pair of winter gloves (I haven't quite found them yet). Ideally, a good pair of winter gloves would keep your hands warm without being too big or puffy and fat. Having good dexterity while also staying warm is preferred. Also, an ideal pair of gloves would have palms that were of a material that provided at least a decent grip when pushing the handrims of a wheelchair.

Long underwear. 'Nuff said.


Being strong is very useful during the winter months. It can mean the difference between becoming stuck in a particularly bad snow-drift (just an example) or not. Does your son do any weight-training? If so, good, tell him to keep at it. If not, he should consider beginning such a program because the real-life benefits and usefulness (not to mention health benefits) of strength-training for those with SCI are myriad. (plus lifting and working out really helpswith the "cooped-up" feeling that winter brings and provides a source of energy expenditure during a time of year in which a para/quad is going to get NO other (basically).


Your son has been paralyzed for eleven years so I'm not "talking down" to him by any means, heck that's just as long as myself. I am telling you what I do in the winter months to help keep myself independent; which is something that I'm guessing is very important to him. If this is already basic stuff, please pay me no mind.

[Jessesmom]

Trophy Guy, I'm sure your winters are just as bad - maybe even more snow. Last year was a record in Edmonton - the worst in years, so hopefuly this year will be better. He works and is out every day. He's also very strong - and - I bought him gloves for Christmas. He's tried lots, but they sure wear out.
Anyway, good to hear that other's get through this too.

[A trophy guy]

Winters are hell.











Ha! I wish!

Edited by A trophy guy, 30 November 2011 - 04:31 AM.

[Wheelie D]

Winters are not hell... winters are a time for great opportunity! Your son has an L2 injury... is there a reason he cant put on a pair of snowpants and grab a shovel? If there is then im sure theres a kid in the neghbourhood who could use earning a few bucks before school starts! Tell him to go skiing, snowmobiling, or to get a slege hockey rig and hit the local pond. There are so many fun things to do in the winter! as for winter gloves... the best ones can be found at canadian tire, the ones in the work attire section that have the nitrile palms work great, keep you warm and dry, and cost about $10 a pair. Getting dunped sucks, but he wont figure anything out if he sits inside and drinks the winter away! Want to be a good mother? get him outside!