26 replies to this topic

[hannibal]

So me sick of being single, decided to try out one of the many dating websites. I deciced to disclose my disability in my profile. Wondering if this is the best thing to do. Alot of the time people will automatically judge the person without even getting to know them. Did I do the best thing? Just looking for opinions.

[tsh3406]

I think you did. I think you have saved yourself a lot of time by already eliminating the ones who'd have an issue with it....

[A trophy guy]

I don't know, there is something to be said for not including that info in your profile and rather just disclosing it on a individual, person-by-person basis; as you get to know that person.

Sure, a lot of people may be dis-inclined to date someone in a wheelchair; in the general, abstract sense. But if they get to know a person first, and get to know that person's qualities, then the revelation of the disability may be mitigated by a bit of humanity.

Not everyone who balks at the general idea of dating a person in a wheelchair is a person that is necessarily "shallow" or "unworthy" or a crappy person. It's a daunting prospect for anyone and I don't think starting out with the information that you are disabled, without being able to put it in any sort of meaningful context is doing yourself any favors as far as dating is concerned.

Of course this is just my opinion.

[hannibal]

Thanks everyone So far I don't know how its affected me, but figured I should put it in there.

[tsh3406]

Don't second guess yourself, it's a gamble either way. Take chances, take them often and enjoy the chase. That's usually the best part

[qbounce]

On a positive note, you're sure to attract a devotee or two!

[Doodle]

Hey Hannibal!

I joined a dating site a few weeks ago! Not that its great thing to admit to, But I got curious! I to put in my profile about my SCI, and to be honest most the guys dont read the profile before I get sent a message! Waste of time really! lol

Mixed response really, and I don't think much will come of it! but Id rather be straight up with them and they can decide!

Edited by Doodle, 04 December 2011 - 12:01 AM.

[Ratticis]

My opinion on it is include it, but don't make it the main focus of the profile. I mean, who wants someone who dwells on thier dissability? Not to say that you are, but if you focus too much on it it might seem like you're whiney or looking for pity. It's definitly a big factor in my life, but certinly not what defines me. Good luck

[hannibal]

I didnt make a big deal out of it but figured it would be important to disclouse that information. Thanks for the input everyone.

[wheeliebear75]

For MY 2 bits: I think you did "right" on this one....if you didn't disclose it then it could end up wasting time for YOU (I suppose I SHOULD "care" about the ones who care to move on....but...it's kinda hard to ya know?) & getting "Uh...maybe not" one after the other would crush anybody's ego, on the other hand I guess there was perhaps a chance of enlightening someone that we're really not THAT different....but lets face it....the fact that we need to make dinner reservations for places with table seating & not any stairs just starts off the list of differences that DO exist.

[greybeard]

I think you made the right decision. Most people admire truthfulness but like ratty says, don't overdo it.

[BoyFallDown]

tsh3406, on 03 December 2011 - 11:33 PM, said:

Don't second guess yourself, it's a gamble either way. Take chances, take them often and enjoy the chase. That's usually the best part

Agree with this.

[masterson]

wheeliebear75, on 05 December 2011 - 01:17 AM, said:

For MY 2 bits: I think you did "right" on this one....if you didn't disclose it then it could end up wasting time for YOU (I suppose I SHOULD "care" about the ones who care to move on....but...it's kinda hard to ya know?) & getting "Uh...maybe not" one after the other would crush anybody's ego, on the other hand I guess there was perhaps a chance of enlightening someone that we're really not THAT different....but lets face it....the fact that we need to make dinner reservations for places with table seating & not any stairs just starts off the list of differences that DO exist.

On my profile I just said I was in a motorcycle crash and continued on with the about me stuff. Later I would tell the person via the phone during the first conversation. Saves a lot of time and something to be happy about because you find the right type of people if they stick around. you will find those who say it dont bother them and dont call back and other who it dont bother at all. With most things in life it will be an 80/20 split. Dont let the ones who get away bother you because you know right away they were not the one you need. After looking for 3-4 weeks I am now in a month long relationship with a beautiful woman. She is a teacher so she can put up with me:) It wont take long but expect to meet a lot of people to find the right one. Dont get down and want to quit, thats the main thing. Take each date as a learning experiance and have fun with it.
Good Luck.
Masterson

[Spinner]

(Jumping in as an S/O) I think it was the right thing to disclose upfront. I really like the way @masterson says he handled it, say a little something about being disabled then move on. That is a great tactic because it keeps it from being a complete surprise, but it shows you don't dwell on your disability. If it is an issue for someone who responds to your post, it will come out very early and potentially save a lot of stress. Good luck to you!

[Kwag_Myers]

qbounce, on 03 December 2011 - 11:33 PM, said:

On a positive note, you're sure to attract a devotee or two!

It's funny, but it's true. I've had several young, attractive ladies go out of their way to offer their assistance. I often tell people that the chair is a babe magnet.

Back on topic: Honesty in any relationship is very important. I think you did the right thing by making it known from the start. Whether we like to admit it or not, having an SCI has an effect on our personality. I think you might be putting yourself in an awkward position if you don't let a person know. You'll be constantly wondering when is the right time to tell them, etc.

I hope it works out for you!

[keiranjump99]

qbounce, on 03 December 2011 - 11:33 PM, said:

On a positive note, you're sure to attract a devotee or two!

i am probably going to sound like a right idiot but whats a devotee, have i missed something?

[Spinner]

keiranjump99, on 30 December 2011 - 03:22 PM, said:

qbounce, on 03 December 2011 - 11:33 PM, said:

On a positive note, you're sure to attract a devotee or two!

i am probably going to sound like a right idiot but whats a devotee, have i missed something?

@keiranjump99, a devotee is someone who is interested in a person based solely on the fact that they are disabled. Here is a link that discusses the phenomenon in relation to amputees.

[Stand]

Disclosing your situation, I feel, is extremely important. How much detail you want to go into would obviously be up to you, but you need to give that person an idea to think about things. Also, you might be doing yourself a favor by weeding out ignorant people who aren't worth the time of day and that are closed minded.

I met my girlfriend through match.com and she is amazing. I contacted her and she obviously had the opportunity to view my profile which indicated my injury. She was very honest and expressed an interest in getting to know me as friends, but she was not sure if she would be the right person to date me being that she had no experience with someone that has a disability. Needless to say, after developing that friendship rather quickly, we became a couple and both of us are the happiest we've ever been.

I feel very lucky to be in this situation I'm in, but I'm sure that this happens a lot more than we probably would think. I never thought I would be where I am with her today.

Best of luck!

Edited by Stand117711, 03 January 2012 - 03:43 AM.

[A trophy guy]

I probably agree that disclosing your disability would be best, I was simply providing a different perspective from which to view the situation. I've never done online dating so I can't speak from experience.

[Gunnslinger8]

Stand117711 I have a friend in a wheelchair and he informed everyone on his profile (dating site) he was a para, and got no responses, so you give him and other SCI who desires some type of relationship hope.

I would agree, let everyone know your situation, because if you happen to become close and reveal that info later without disclosing upfront, it could end up heartbreaking.

[A trophy guy]

"Stand117711 I have a friend in a wheelchair and he informed everyone on his profile (dating site) he was a para, and got no responses, so you give him and other SCI who desires some type of relationship hope."

"I would agree, let everyone know your situation, because if you happen to become close and reveal that info later without disclosing upfront, it could end up heartbreaking."


(bolding mine)

A trophy guy, on 03 December 2011 - 10:52 PM, said:

I don't know, there is something to be said for not including that info in your profile and rather just disclosing it on a individual, person-by-person basis; as you get to know that person.
.

Sure, a lot of people may be dis-inclined to date someone in a wheelchair; in the general, abstract sense. But if they get to know a person first, and get to know that person's qualities, then the revelation of the disability may be mitigated by a bit of humanity.

Not everyone who balks at the general idea of dating a person in a wheelchair is a person that is necessarily "shallow" or "unworthy" or a crappy person. It's a daunting prospect for anyone and I don't think starting out with the information that you are disabled, without being able to put it in any sort of meaningful context is doing yourself any favors as far as dating is concerned.

Of course this is just my opinion.

Well, now I think this gives a little bit of validity to my previous post. He put his paraplegia out there, without anyone knowing anything about him as a person, and he got no replies.

Now, I bolded the part of your post about getting close before you reveal your disability. Of course that would be a bad move. But there is room between having your disability stamped on your public profile and hiding it from a blossoming personal relationship. I also bolded the part of my post I considered relevant here. You divulge the info as you get to know the person, this doesn't have to involve any deception or heartbreak.

[lonebobseytwin]

What I've learned with most people is that really no one is normal, everyone has some sort of issue they battle with in their life, you'd really be surprised that most people don't care.

I've had a processing disorder my whole life, i'm horrible with math and I can't actually read an analog clock, and I'm sort of awkward to begin with, but most people I've told about it (prior to my injury) never really cared. Since everyone's got something they deal with. It's better to be upfront about things, it evens the playing field and makes people feel more comfortable with the things they battle with in their own lives that they are afraid to tell people.

More people need to understand that people with sci are just the same as them, just with different mobility. We all think and feel the same.
And in reality we all carry battle scars. I'd put it out there, if people are that pretentious and can't deal, you wouldn't want to date them anyways.

[A trophy guy]

lonebobseytwin, on 03 January 2012 - 06:33 AM, said:

What I've learned with most people is that really no one is normal, everyone has some sort of issue they battle with in their life, you'd really be surprised that most people don't care.

I've had a processing disorder my whole life, i'm horrible with math and I can't actually read an analog clock, and I'm sort of awkward to begin with, but most people I've told about it (prior to my injury) never really cared. Since everyone's got something they deal with. It's better to be upfront about things, it evens the playing field and makes people feel more comfortable with the things they battle with in their own lives that they are afraid to tell people.

More people need to understand that people with sci are just the same as them, just with different mobility. We all think and feel the same.
And in reality we all carry battle scars. I'd put it out there, if people are that pretentious and can't deal, you wouldn't want to date them anyways.
.

(bolding mine)

This is exactly my point, not everyone who rejects the idea of dating someone in a wheelchair is pretentious or shallow or can't deal; and perhaps someone who would be a perfect fit for another never found them because they were, understandably, not exactly enthused to date someone in a wheelchair at first glance. Dating sites are primarily driven by attraction, and attraction is, to a large degree physical at the outset.

[love&hate]

I never actually tried online dating. I made a profile but didnt really use it at all. You guys made quite a few good point about disclosing SCI. What I was thinking is to give few slight hidden clues. Instead of putting straight up picture I would stir the reader in the right direction. Hidden in context or even in some sarcasm. That would be fun to write. If a person wont be able to figure it out ... thats too bad. Its disclosed, just slightly covered. On the other hand if she can figure it out and still contact me ... well that would be type of person I'm looking for.

[LeviM]

I too think you made the right decision, although I could see the argument both for or against it. Best of luck to ya!

[ajl338]

From my experience ( 3 yrs on dating sites) most people seem to judge others by the thumbnail pictures. I have had offers of ballroom dancing partners and the like, so they obviously havent read the profile.
I put on mine at the bottom, under interesting facts, gets about in a wheelchair. ok i had many many non suitable dates but i found someone eventually.
just expect many rejections until the point when you are about to give up and then someone suitable will come along

[Cassie]

I hope u are having luck with the site. I've never tried online dating but agree with u putting ur injury in ur profile. I have been dating someone with a sci for over two years. Although I met him in person at the auto shop he runs and owns I feel that it is important to be upfornt about everythi g in a relationship. You don't want to miss lead anyone or be miss lead urself. So any hits yet or great dates yet?