48 replies to this topic

[tinydancer007]

How did you react when you first learned you were paralyzed?
angry?
sad?
confused?

Just wondering...to see if my friend is acting normally or not

Edited by tinydancer007, 27 July 2006 - 08:29 PM.

[zepac]

I guess it depends on your age. I was 9 and totally confused. To a 25yo person it could be a shock.

[John Anderson]

First thing I remember when I open my eyes is my ex (then girlfriend) told me that it's no longer going to work. I had no idea where I was or what the heck she was talking about. After she storms out of the room I was so confused and wonder if I did something wrong. About a hour later, I found out the news, and that just basicly killed me until my dad slap some sense into me and told me to get back on my feet.

That was the only time Col ever yelled at me and treat me like the little recruit, and he's that mean SSgt...but then again, without him I would still be down and upset, thank you to him

[Tarkus]

Pissed off. They wanted to call it depression but it was pissed off !

My big concern wasn't walking it was if "Lucky Chuckie" would still work......goes to show even at 45 I knew what was important to me !

Alan

[lune14]

I had just turned 16 and was alone in the ICU unit when the attending physician came into the room. He said a lot of things I don't actually remember, which I'm sure were medical terms of my injury but what I DO remember was "Diana, you're never going to walk again."

I recall staring at him blankly while lying on my back in the striker frame and honestly I felt nothing. I wanted to be alone so that I could find my reaction somehow. I actually forced tears to fall so he would see I was at least conscious and leave me to be alone with my thoughts... I guess it worked because he patted my arm compassionately and turned to leave.

Looking back I feel fortunate that I never dwelled on my new situation much. I was young enough and high-spirited naturally that I just kept doing and trying daily. Not the case for everyone as we are individual. Apples to oranges.

Would I react the same way today, at the age of 41? Absolutely not. But I DO know I'd take it with the punches and move on, just would be a little more of an emotional struggle now for me.

LOL @ "lucky chuckie"

[Lucydog]

When I had my accident I just knew when I lay there that F*** this is bad. I used to be a pathologist so I was alredy thinking the worst! I wasnt told either that Id never walk again or anything like that, it was more of a drip drip of information. As an incomplete Im sure the medical staff always asumed/hoped the best, whereas in reality I got the worst case scenario. All I can say is that my own persoanl knowledge was very useful as I got to pick bits out of medical conversations that they thought I wouldnt understand. I wasnt surprised as I knew in my heart of hearts life wasnt going to be the same again. hope you sort of understand this. Im still not sure how I really feel.
thanks L

[crash]

I'm 24 and three months post-injury. I've spent alot of time depressed. On occasion I cry. And I've also been angry. I've been a little bit of everything. If your friend is expressing these emotions that is very healthy. I've noticed that alot of people on here seem to have dealt well with their injury, but I'll tell you what, when half your body is taken from you in an instant and you then get to go and be hooked up to machines in a strange hospital while in lots of pain, after which you begin to piss and shit on yourself, and finally you get to go home where everything is the same, your body is still in one piece only it doesn't work right anymore, and you get to go out in public for the first time and feel what it feels like to be disabled, the psychological effects of this are far-reaching and everyone deals with them in different ways. Be patient and listen to your friend. Don't try to fix him. Just listen. His emotions are valid.

[Tarkus]

crash, on Jul 27 2006, 08:42 PM, said:

I'm 24 and three months post-injury. I've spent alot of time depressed. On occasion I cry. And I've also been angry. I've been a little bit of everything. If your friend is expressing these emotions that is very healthy. I've noticed that alot of people on here seem to have dealt well with their injury, but I'll tell you what, when half your body is taken from you in an instant and you then get to go and be hooked up to machines in a strange hospital while in lots of pain, after which you begin to piss and shit on yourself, and finally you get to go home where everything is the same, your body is still in one piece only it doesn't work right anymore, and you get to go out in public for the first time and feel what it feels like to be disabled, the psychological effects of this are far-reaching and everyone deals with them in different ways. Be patient and listen to your friend. Don't try to fix him. Just listen. His emotions are valid.

You sir are a wise man for a guy your age and so short post injury .

Alan

[juls]

i really admire you Lune 14, from all the posts i've read from you, you sound like such a genuine, bubbly, happy person! i try my best to be like this but sometimes i feel like it's forced and for the most part i feel like its expected of me.
i was devastated when i was told i wouldn't walk again, my brother in law had died at the age of 30 only two years before ( his car was hit by a truck that was on the wrong side of the road) and we were all just comming to terms with that. I hated hospital and rehab, my fiance and family lived a 1000 kilometers away so i felt really alone as well, but when it was time to leave the hospital i was shit scared! I became a hermitt for at least two years.
I dont know if it ever gets easier, you have your good days and your bad but joining this forum has really helped me, thanks everyone

[wheeels]

When I was laying on the emerg table and they said "you broke you leg" i said no shit I cant move it, then they said "and you broke your back" at that point I was like WFT. Then they told me their were going to give me somthing for th pain, I though I'm not in pain but I took the drugs and that wasn't so bad.

I remember laying in recovery for a few days and no one said anything to me, I was able to move my legs a little so I though I was going to be fine, then one day weeks later a Dr told me that I would not walk again...At that point I was just pissed off and told myself I'm going to prove him wrong..

I spent 3 months in the hospital and the entire time I was determied to get past this, I had so many people tell me how strong I was.

well the Dr was right but I am going back in to physio to see if I can get some more funtion back, I'm not ready to give up.

5 years post injury.

[russ1]

Lucydog, on Jul 28 2006, 12:55 AM, said:

When I had my accident I just knew when I lay there that F*** this is bad. I used to be a pathologist so I was alredy thinking the worst! I wasnt told either that Id never walk again or anything like that, it was more of a drip drip of information. As an incomplete Im sure the medical staff always asumed/hoped the best, whereas in reality I got the worst case scenario. All I can say is that my own persoanl knowledge was very useful as I got to pick bits out of medical conversations that they thought I wouldnt understand. I wasnt surprised as I knew in my heart of hearts life wasnt going to be the same again. hope you sort of understand this. Im still not sure how I really feel.
thanks L

Yep - that's pretty much how I was - I knew as I lay there waiting for the air ambulance that that was it. My wife is a nurse so I got a lot of info from her as time went on and the nurses and docs didn't hide stuff anyway, bit too blunt and brutal sometimes. She swears she told me after my stabilising op that she was told I had a less than 1% chance of walking again, I was obviously so out of it I didn't take it in and it was about 2 months later we discussed it and she told me again. That was when it really hit home. How did I feel? - mostly just numb psycologically rather than physiologically.

[Avocado Baby]

Well said Crash!

[lune14]

Quote

Yep - that's pretty much how I was - I knew as I lay there waiting for the air ambulance that that was it. My wife is a nurse so I got a lot of info from her as time went on and the nurses and docs didn't hide stuff anyway, bit too blunt and brutal sometimes. She swears she told me after my stabilising op that she was told I had a less than 1% chance of walking again, I was obviously so out of it I didn't take it in and it was about 2 months later we discussed it and she told me again. That was when it really hit home. How did I feel? - mostly just numb psycologically rather than physiologically.

russ, I think that pretty much sums it up for most of us, not all but most.... "numb". That news is not only hard to hear but you just can NOT wrap your mind around it. I think that's all part of our inner psychological protection. Honestly sometimes I think it was harder for the doc to say those words to me than for me to hear them. Not sure I could be the messenger they way a lot of folks in life are. My dad was in military and had to bring sad news to many wives/mothers/etc.... alwyas something I cannot imagine doing myself.

Here's to all of us!

juls, thanks for the kind words. We definately do have our good and bad days. Just have to hang tough and try to smile whenever you can :-)

Dang... sorry I'm tired and messed up my quoting ability. LOL

Admin Note: All fixed!

Edited by Apparelyzed, 29 July 2006 - 02:35 PM.

[xMaddiex]

i asked jase about this one and he said, the doctor came in with his mum and told him he was paralysed, and told him which bit of his spine he broke etc. etc. and he just went "oh", and then said, "i guess it could be worse, like...i could be dead or something" which made his mum cry and blurt out all the stuff she didnt think jason could ever do again, and how all her hopes were tarnished or whatever - which turned out to be a total lie because most of the stuff she said jason couldnt do, hes already done - which caused him to do the whole 'pissed off and depressed' thing, where he was really withdrawn and quiet for a few weeks, and when me and my younger sister went to see him, he started to perk up a bit, and everytime i spoke to him in hospital we would only talk about what he could do, or what he would be able to do, and how much worse off it could have been, and gradually he kinda got his head round it. now, hes pretty much back to pre-sci jason, all daring and totally not safety concious at all, which in the long run is probably a good thing.

[In The Wind]

I knew as soon as I regained awareness that I was hurt bad. It was just like in the movies, I said “I can’t feel my legs”, I thought my back was broken, not my neck. But no pain thank God, because I had to lay out in the woods for several hours before anyone could get to me.

In the first hospital just days after getting hurt I remember thinking about all the new things I was going to do (Strange, I know) but I fully expected to end up with a cane and a limp… The worst part came after rehab, when I had to come to my mothers’ home. Most of the pain I suffered was due to the pain my injury caused her. It was EXTEREMLY difficult to adapt and more than once I wished I had just died in the woods.

It’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with it but now it’s just part of who I am and I’ve (mostly) moved on.

[Philip]

After I landed from being thrown from the pickup and stop rolling. I laid there, I felt my legs numb the pain in my back. "Oh damn parelyzed". I looked at my hands and moved my fingers. "I'm good I still have use of my hands". I then waited for help. After a week in the hospital the 2 doctors came in on rounds,they were interns . They were all up beat. Then they left. A few minutes later one of them came back and told me that I would never walk again. I felt sorry for him. It was his first time he had to tell someone that kind of bad news. My guess is when they left the room, they flipped a coin to see who would give the bad news. I had figured that out almost instantly.

[eav]

I was told from the start that as my injury was incomplete nobody knew for sure how much to expect. I didn't take the enormity of it all in for some time, I had a picture in my head of myself sitting up, getting ready for the day I'd go home! When I went to the spinal unit and watched people come and go and others in the gym, it began to dawn on me that this was it. When I began coming home that was the hardest, I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere, for me the most difficult thing to deal with was only being able to whisper, at the spinal unit I'd hardly spoken to anyone, they did a few tests on my vocal cords, then some 'compassionate' doctor came along around 10.00 in the evening, stood at the bottom of the bed and told me it was unlikely I would talk properly again as my vocal cords were paralyzed, I was in a very black place for a long time. I've had brilliant support from family & friends who encouraged me to take control of my life again. I get out, run my own home, organise my PAs, my two kids have lived with me - not long after coming home I was having a moment as a horrible mum when one of them retorted 'there's no need to shout mum'. That did it for me, talk about inspiration. Oh yes, I was looking for the positive side thinking at least I'll save on the phone bill - with two kids! My mistake.

Crash is so right, patience, a listening ear and time help.

I am so glad I'm still around to tell the tale and just hope I can pass on some inspiration to a few folk out there. [color=#009900]

[Jordanx]

When i was in hospital my mum was worried because i was dealing with it a little 2 well maybe cos deep down i thought i'd get better and walk out of hopital obviously i wasnt lucky lol ... but ive never been like rly depressed ive been angry n upset but tht came when i came home and realised my ''friends'' werent my friends anymore, but now i just get on with it being the vain jordan as always lol hehe

[georgie]

My hubby had an MRI scan and after three weeks I chased every day for the results as he was in agony and could not walk any further than 50 yards. After 10 days or so of chasing for the results, he received a call from the Hospital to say that they wanted him to go in for tests when a bed was free. Okay we thought nothing too serious as they made it sound like it would be as and when. He had a call the following day to say the bed was ready for him. He went in and the next day we found out he had a tumour in his spine. It took a week for the Doctor to plan the op and we were advised that he could be paralysed before the op as the tumour was so large as well the fact that the op could leave him paralysed. I just remember him saying that he wanted to cry but couldn't. I would have cried but didn't feel I could because he didn't. If he was so brave then I needed to be too.

We were so naive in those days. When he had his op, which took around 7 hours, they said he could move his legs. What they didn't say was that he could not feel his legs at all. Doctors only tell you what they think you can cope with hearing.

[mrsE]

I knew instantly that I had broken my back (apparently - as I don't remember the first few days). The worst time was the following nine weeks of waiting to see if I recovered and movement or feeling. The spinal area was very swollen so we were waiting for the swelling to go down before finally knowing. Every day I would ask the physios questions like 'will I still be able to swim?' , 'will I still be able to do press ups?', 'what about keeping fit?' and many more... The answer was always the same - 'yes you will be able to do all these things but not in the same way - just a little bit different.' I couldn't help but look forward to being up and out of bed and down in the gym. For the most part I just wanted to get on with things, find a new place to stay (lost my shared flat as it was three stories up, ended up homeless so stayed in a hostel type place for disabled people The Thistle Foundation' before getting a place in sheltered housing). I had friends and relatives coming to visit from all over the place and it usually meant a long drive for them so I never wanted to be 'down' for their visits and I certainly didn't want my parents going home being depressed about my situation - I wanted them to go home after each visit with some feeling of optimism for my future so I had to remain positive for them. In a way it helped me be positive for me too. It was Friday the 13th that I had my accident so I feel really lucky that I am alive.
I digress - sorry. There was no actual moment that I was told I would never walk again, it was more of a gradual realization of the truth while actually knowing deep down already while all the time hoping that I might b e one of the luckier ones.

[Gary Anderson]

Yep! I was everyone of the above and more.

My accident was a train crash and when I got to hospital was drip fed info. It happened 18 years ago and like others, there was no counselling or help or advice on adaptations to houses, etc. Not like now. I was 30 when my accident happened and was a junior surgeon. End of that career. Ever heard of a surgeon who could not stand up to operate.

It did not help that I was incomplete. when it came to filling in forms, they only knew two words "cannot walk."

Now, 18 years on, I still bitterly regret the loss of a career, however, as most know, my job these days is an anaesthetist. I can do that either in a chair or on sticks. It still pisses me off though. Nothing will ever change that. I have heard all the cliches like times heal, it gets better, you'll soon pick up. Bullshit. You paper over the cracks but it never goes away. Some days are good - some bad - and when the hellish ones come - everyone takes cover. Yet, somehow I survive.

[4estGimp]

tinydancer007, on Jul 27 2006, 02:08 PM, said:

How did you react when you first learned you were paralyzed?
angry?
sad?
confused?

Just wondering...to see if my friend is acting normally or not

1. I was really stubborn

2. My biggest fear was showing weakness.

Even as a 16 year old, I was still one of the toughest and most "involved" patients the Dr's had met. I kept up with every medication and treatment and was pushing myself to get better.

Naturally, there was a whirlwind of emotions going on in my head. However, I used my stubborness as a strength.

[Jinx]

I thought I had died and gone to hell! Seriously. I was in ITU for seven weeks, on a ventilator and loads of morphine. It was very very weird and frightening. I remember my family, their faces looming over me out of the haze, and being told that I wasn't going to be able to walk again. It was actually frustrating more than anything, being paralysed, helpless and in a lot of pain.
Still there were some really lovely nurses who did everything for me. The worst feeling was at the end of their shifts, they would bugger off and leave me in torment! I would lay there all night unable to sleep, staring at the ceiling with the ventilator whooshing and my mouth as dry as a bone, listening to the nurses discussing their plans for when they finished work. And then there was all the other pleasures, being fed through a tube, having your lungs suctioned and your catheter changed, bed baths and manual evacuations, and innumerable injections everyday. And those ****ing bleeping monitors all day!
So no my first reaction was not good. Nore was my 2nd or 3rd.

[Jodie Lynn]

For me it is hard to say I woke up four days later the first thought in my head was were is my daughter is she ok, everyone kept telling me she is fine but I had to see for myself, and luckily four days later I got to see her, I can not reall y rememeber what I was thinking I just wanted to get up and walk and go home I think it took a while for me to fully understand what had happend but silly me I really do not think it ever realy set in that I would not walk again I just thought in time i would be better and I am still to this day working on that.......I am able to walk with my stciks and I am grateful for that I have been where I had to do nothing but lay in the bed and it just isn't me so I try hard everyday to get all my exercise in and hope that maybe some day I will walk again.....But even if I don't I will be ok..... Just wanted to put a little of my two cent sin thanks for listening everyone....



Jodie Lynn

[crash]

Jinx, on Aug 10 2006, 07:36 PM, said:

I thought I had died and gone to hell! Seriously. I was in ITU for seven weeks, on a ventilator and loads of morphine. It was very very weird and frightening. I remember my family, their faces looming over me out of the haze, and being told that I wasn't going to be able to walk again. It was actually frustrating more than anything, being paralysed, helpless and in a lot of pain.
Still there were some really lovely nurses who did everything for me. The worst feeling was at the end of their shifts, they would bugger off and leave me in torment! I would lay there all night unable to sleep, staring at the ceiling with the ventilator whooshing and my mouth as dry as a bone, listening to the nurses discussing their plans for when they finished work. And then there was all the other pleasures, being fed through a tube, having your lungs suctioned and your catheter changed, bed baths and manual evacuations, and innumerable injections everyday. And those ****ing bleeping monitors all day!
So no my first reaction was not good. Nore was my 2nd or 3rd.

Well said Jinx. I think that just about covers everything. Very well put. I can appreciate a good description

[ruth]

I knew the instant that I had my accident that I had broken my back and was paralysed (one of the few things I remember clearly is telling the people who found me that I had broken my back, oh yes, and swearing at the ambulance men as they were putting me on the spinal board and moving me)

I cried all night every night for the first 6 weeks,so much so the guy in the next bed asked to be moved coz he was fed up of the noise!

No one ever told me I would never walk again, as they thought I was incomplete at first (my break is T12, but my paralysis is L3 - go figure!)

I got very stroppy, especially with my Mum and remember really going off on one coz she called my wheelchair a pushchair (a slip of the tongue, but I lost it!). I was a bit (well ok a lot) of a cow to my nearest and dearest. I guess a bit of a 'I'm having a hard time, so you guys are certainly gonna have a hard time from me!' attitude

I hated hospital and wanted to leave asap so threw myself into rehab. I also went back to 6th form college about 2 months after my accident part time (whilst still in hospital). This ehausted me, so I slept rather than cried!

After hospital I partied like mad for about 2 years - a bit of denial never did me any harm

I couldnt absorb the implications of being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, so I didnt really try, I just threw myself into getting my life back.

[dom]

Jinx, on Aug 10 2006, 08:36 PM, said:

I thought I had died and gone to hell! Seriously. I was in ITU for seven weeks, on a ventilator and loads of morphine. It was very very weird and frightening. I remember my family, their faces looming over me out of the haze, and being told that I wasn't going to be able to walk again. It was actually frustrating more than anything, being paralysed, helpless and in a lot of pain.
Still there were some really lovely nurses who did everything for me. The worst feeling was at the end of their shifts, they would bugger off and leave me in torment! I would lay there all night unable to sleep, staring at the ceiling with the ventilator whooshing and my mouth as dry as a bone, listening to the nurses discussing their plans for when they finished work. And then there was all the other pleasures, being fed through a tube, having your lungs suctioned and your catheter changed, bed baths and manual evacuations, and innumerable injections everyday. And those ****ing bleeping monitors all day!
So no my first reaction was not good. Nore was my 2nd or 3rd.

hi jinx,it was a similar feeling for me-died and gone to hell,i remember feeling,lying on the cold concrete in the dark that a gang of bovver boys were seriously putting the boot in my back,at that moment i just wanted someone to take the pain away regardless of what would happen next,afterwards i realised that pain was what kept me in the land of the living,horrible horrible moments

[bambam]

I am an adventurous person. And believe it or not I saw it as a huge new adventure. I always felt like it was a new "calling" in my life and that it was predetermined that I would be this way. In a sick way it made sense to me. I was so the opposite of paralyzed before my accident that after the accident I saw it as "OK, now we learn what this is like".

Well that was 16 years ago and I have been through many phases. Right now I am in the "OK, I have learned enough" phase and I miss my able body.

[Lucky]

Knew he was wrong and proved it in the later months.