10 replies to this topic

[Cora]

Hi, I'm Cora. I'm a single mother to an almost four year old boy. In July of this year we were in a bad rollover, I suffered a T11/T12 fracture, incomplete.
Currently, I have my mother staying with me for help, but I would like to get to a point where me and my son are again stable on our own.
Currently the only 'issues' I am really having regarding parenting are with bathing and discipline.
When it comes to bath time, I find even with my chair sideways against the tub I cannot reach to wash his hair, make sure he is all clean.
Being as he is almost 4, he has developed a bit of an attitude. When in trouble, he likes to hide places he knows I cannot get to with my chair. I find this very disrespectful but I cannot yet seem to break him of this. He was involved in the accident, luckily unscratched. Since the accident he has had a few regressions in regards to potty training and acting out/temper tantrums. I realize the accident itself and then having the stress of the aftermath with Mom in the hospital and now in a chair that he is going through far more than he should be expected and that small regressions are completely normal. If anyone has any advice how to approach these small issues, it would be greatly appreciated.

[catmint]

Hi Cora..

Welcome to the site.

There are a few on here who have young children. Edinburgh Colin, Lucydog and Izzywizzy are three that spring to mind. There are probably others. I am sure they will be able to offer you support based on their experience.

Look around the site and use the search facility , you may be surprised what you find.

[Speed]

I too have a small boy, he is 7 now but when he was that age and acting like that I had to figure something out as well.
When bathing I simply told him we had to work together on this. I would have him ove closer to the edge of the tub and lean his head back so I could soap it up, he then rinsed it off on his own.
Now with the discipline.
I first started with removing the areas that I could not get to but he could.
And when it came time where he would try to get away I would simply and calmly explain to him that he had to leave that area at some point and when he does he will be punished more for evading the situation. Since the one instance when I punished him more he hasnt ever gone back to running away from his discipline. I havent had to spank in a long time (1.5 years) but when I do he has tried to make it as difficult as possible. I normally make him ly down on his bed or bend over my knees and he will try and wiggle around or not roll over. However I ahve a good grip and can pin him or if its a pain for me we will just wait it out and return another time. Sometimes I have to just catch him by surprise to.

But Im not a fan of spanking so I try to avoid as much as possible with positive reinforcement. Like praising him for the good most of the time.

[mcferguson]

I had the same problem with my 3 year old daughter running away from me, and whenever she did I would call her back and if she didn't come, my wife would go get her. We would discipline her for running away and explain to her that she wasn't allowed to do that. It took about two weeks or so before she would come back when I called her and then two more weeks before she stopped running away altogether.

[randomryan007]

my kids when they were younger would run . but me being me wouldn't chase em. I would just wait for them to come back. needless to say they knew that when they ran from me I was taking notes. and I would get them when they came back. prime example. my youngest is 17 almost 18 and he likes to walk buy and punch people. so he punched me one day and I got very upset and he laughed at me well I waited it out. so about an hr later he's walking by me. and wham out of no where I tag him back. no if ands or buts. I hit him. why should I give him warning when he doesn't give me warning. simple as that. now he started crying. oh dad hurt my feelings wha wha wha. reality is he hurt mine. and he hurt me physicaly. he called the police on me. lol! the police talked to me and took my shirt off where he punched me already started brusing. he told the police i was abusing him blah blah blah. one police officer hand cuffed him and took him for a ride. when the police brought him back he was in tears. you should find away to get his attent. like taking things away ect. make him earn things. I am not saying abuse him. I saying get his attention! my kids hated loosing TV ipods games ect.

Edited by randomryan007, 16 December 2011 - 03:40 PM.

[wheeliebear75]

I got hurt prior to having my kids so they were born into it (being the kid of a mom with a SCI) so to speak.

Are you able to do a floor to chair transfer? I found a beach towel folded up on the floor into a pillow shape worked well for padding my butt & knees while I used the tub itself to pull up on so I could then lean over & wash/rinse their hair (I used my armpits over the side with the help of one arm while I washed & rinsed with the other arm/hand. This position was also helpful when I went to lift them out (but as an FYI do be prepared to get almost as wet as the bathing beauty ) )

As for the discipline? I myself had trouble from time to time with them running off to where they knew I could not get (or just not as fast as THEM). Although I did have the help of AB family the main thing to remember: is that they need to be punished HARSHLY for that sort of thing.....there are "no-no's" & then there are "BIG NO-NO'S!" & running away from mommy, running off with her wheelchair will be met with an immediate & HARSH punishment EVERY TIME(age appropriate of course but still HARSH for his age, as it is almost as important as not running out into the street or keeping his hands away from ths stove).....eventually they will figure it out, "Oh, OK, it's better to just do as I'm told in this case because the crime isn't worth the time/punishment.". No coddling from Grammy, no feeling guilty on your part....or you'll have an even harder time on your hands with discipline.

When he started walking you child proofed what you could but there were some things that he still had to either learn or LEARN, so to save our children from burning their hand on the stove WE as parents/responsible adults YELL @ them or startle them to keep them from burning themselves on a hot stove or pan of boiling water, WE have to tell kids to stay out of the street & when they don't listen they're usually reprimanded because it's better that than to find out "Oh mom & dad were right....the street IS a dangerous place!" the HARD way. THIS is very much similar.....if you say "Stay with me." while you're out & he runs off, then next time you go out somewhere HE has to stay behind with Grammy, nothing FUN, just a "No you have to stay home with Grammy cuz I can't trust that you'll listen to me. Then take him out a few days later & see if you don't find his listening skills have greatly improved. Consistantly PRAISE him when he does listen "Oh thank you for being such a good listener!", "Oh thank you for being Mommy's big helper!" (<---these worked best on my son).

I also had a calendar for EACH child & each day they could EARN up to 5 stars (Walmart sells the same stars that teachers use in elementary school) & at the end of the week they could turn their stars in for a "good behavior prize" (mostly cheap things from $0.99
store or I'd get prizes usually given out @ b-day parties....the more stars the better the prize. Also I had a deal where they could save up 100 stars & that would "buy" them an exclusive "Mommy & ME trip" to the local ice-cream shop which was kinda like a "Dairy Queen").

Now my daughters were not nearly the handful that my son was.....ADHD = OMG! HE had a much harder time with listening & so although he was still punished FOR not listening or fallowing instructions, we also did things like I used one of those leash/harness things on him AND enlisted the help of his older sisters for chasing him down (so he could be punished ) . They're sold in stores all over the place....meaning the manufacturers didn't design them for disabled people....so IF someone says something about it(the leash/harness) I just made THEM feel like by saying "Better to have my child on the end of a nylon tether than to have him run off getting himself hurt or kidnapped!".....not always but 90% of the time people saw my point in using it.

My kids are now 14,17,18 & 19....although it has been tempting a time or two....haven't killed a kid yet.

[Tetracyclone]

randomryan007, on 16 December 2011 - 03:38 PM, said:

the police talked to me and took my shirt off where he punched me already started brusing. he told the police i was abusing him blah blah blah. one police officer hand cuffed him and took him for a ride. when the police brought him back he was in tears. you should find away to get his attent. like taking things away ect. make him earn things. I am not saying abuse him. I saying get his attention! my kids hated loosing TV ipods games ect.

You have some great cops in your town!

[greybeard]

Good to see folks administering good old fashioned discipline (which never hurt anyone) without interference from the PC nazis.

[mellowgator]

the only time i ever spanked my daughter was when she ran from me. after that it never happened again. it's a matter of safety and once that's straight the rest is pretty easy.



mellowgator

[Cora]

Thank you very much guys for the advice!

I can not yet do floor to chair transfers, in January when my physio starts back up that is one of the first things we will be working on.
He has been really good with not running from me the past couple days, I think I am finally drilling it in to his head that it is unacceptable on all levels.



Also, unrelated to my OWN child but this regards others,
When a small child asks you questions about your disability, what do you do? I always answer honestly. Never brutally honest or anything, but I always give a slight explanation. Some parents take total shock to this and find it to be horribly offensive that their child is even asking these questions, getting mad at not me, but the child.
In my eyes, children are curious. I personally find it much more respectful for a child to ask questions and know, rather than stare and assume. Should I keep answering, or stop answering children when they ask? I never thought it would be a big deal, really. I have NO issues with being asked questions and answering them.

[Speed]

I think there is a line in what you can tell the children about disability. And really it just depends on their age and maturity. When my kid asks I will answer and i will also explain the differences in AB and me. The convo I hated the most was, "How do you pee?"