15 replies to this topic

[bbklbozeman]

Hi everyone! This is my first post and I really need some help. I don’t even know how to start out. I am T10 (I think) with all feeling, career woman, mother of 2, and lover to my high school sweetheart (although we are nearing our 30’s now). I am very active and try not to let anything hold me back. I love my husband and love doing everything together I would have done before my SCI with him. We go boating, tubing, four wheeler riding, roller coasters or anything else we can think of. Lately we have been arguing and having a hard time though. We can’t seem to understand how each other feels. Our last 3 vacations have turned out to be flops (Disney world-theme park, Mexico-beach, Bahamas-beach) …

He told me he feels like he needs a vacation by himself sometimes. He doesn’t think I understand how stressful it is for him on our vacations. We both work very hard and both deserve vacations. I just love family trips… and love sharing the memories with him and our kids. Even though I am very independent and don’t ask him to worry about me, he loves me and still does. So when we are on vacation everything stresses him out to where we can’t even have fun together. He says he always has to think ahead if we are going to be able to do something because of me being in the chair. Also, for example, he said he doesn’t want to miss out on some sights the destinations have to offer. I have told him he can go ahead and go view the excursions while I go swimming, read a book, gambling.. anything, but he won’t do it. He doesn’t want to go alone. Therefore he wants maybe a second vacation without me.. I can’t understand this. I don’t mean to be selfish if that is what this is. It is just hard to understand for me.

Sometimes he likes to go to the four-wheeler park without me because it is easier. Even though I ride I don’t always do/go where he does (I’m not trying to really get hurt) and I guess it stresses him out. Plus, he does have to help me get on the four-wheeler.. I understand this, it took a while, but I get it now.

Please help me understand his feelings and the need for a separate vacation. It’s hard to understand the person you want to be with not wanting a vacation with you. Ugh.. just sometimes it feels like you have to give up so much already and adapt that when you have something you can do, (i.e: four wheeling together, vacations) you don’t want to give it up too!

[jscott92064]

It might not be about you. He might need to just get away from all his responsibilities (kids, job, etc) for a short time and just focus on himself. Sometimes we just need a break from everything so we can rediscover our own individuality. The quick break can also remind us of lucky we are to have a wonderful family. Try not to take it so personally (easier said than done - you sound like an awesome person, btw.) I think it's healthy for spouses to spend the occasional time apart. (So when are you going to plan your own trip away and I'm not talking necessarily about a long trip, but maybe a day at the spa with your friends or a nice dinner out??? Don't do it out of spite -do it because even as a couple, we all need a community of friends to hang out with.)

[willowt]

I don't want to sound too nieve here but mabybe it has less to do with your disability then you think. After two years I can't wait to go on vacation with my BF and I hope that will last for 5+ years but . . . after 30 hummm, I just might want to hang with some of my other friends for a bit

Because I have no clue about your reltionship it is hard to comment but I thought this might be change in perspective -

[Ginny]

I understand what you're husband is saying. In our household, I'm the injured one but quite capable in most things. Still, my husband always has an eye out for me, thinking about something that might get in my way, would be difficult for me to reach, hard to do for myself. I recognize that he needs time just to be an AB, to walk with an AB stride and be involved with things that are more physical than I'm able to handle. Our solution is the hunting season. I make sure that I'm independent enough so he can go out on hunts and enjoy the outdoors without having to worry about me. He takes this time and then, we face the rest of life together. I think it makes us stronger and my being agreeable to it helps him to enjoy his free time more. It sounds as if your husband is a good guy and that you have something special together. Do what you can to encourage freedom for him and your lives together will be even better.

[bbklbozeman]

It might not be about you. He might need to just get away from all his responsibilities (kids, job, etc) for a short time and just focus on himself. Sometimes we just need a break from everything so we can rediscover our own individuality. The quick break can also remind us of lucky we are to have a wonderful family. Try not to take it so personally (easier said than done - you sound like an awesome person, btw.) I think it's healthy for spouses to spend the occasional time apart. (So when are you going to plan your own trip away and I'm not talking necessarily about a long trip, but maybe a day at the spa with your friends or a nice dinner out??? Don't do it out of spite -do it because even as a couple, we all need a community of friends to hang out with.)

He does have a very stressful job. I have tried to talk to him about that. Maybe he does just need the time off for himself. It is hard not to take it personal because i dont want to feel like me being in a wheelchair keeps him from things when i try so hard to be so active (even though i like to). I love him and want him to be happy with me preferably. Maybe to make it easier on his trips i will do somethings with my friends so that i dont feel left out. Thanks for your help!

[bbklbozeman]

I understand what you're husband is saying. In our household, I'm the injured one but quite capable in most things. Still, my husband always has an eye out for me, thinking about something that might get in my way, would be difficult for me to reach, hard to do for myself. I recognize that he needs time just to be an AB, to walk with an AB stride and be involved with things that are more physical than I'm able to handle. Our solution is the hunting season. I make sure that I'm independent enough so he can go out on hunts and enjoy the outdoors without having to worry about me. He takes this time and then, we face the rest of life together. I think it makes us stronger and my being agreeable to it helps him to enjoy his free time more. It sounds as if your husband is a good guy and that you have something special together. Do what you can to encourage freedom for him and your lives together will be even better.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I do let him go to the four wheeler park without me for a couple nights but i will admit that i am guilty of not always being supportive and happy about it. I like to go also but i understand him not having as much fun because i cant keep up after this. I think my new years resolution will be to not take that so personal. I just want him to understand that when i do go and i dont do everything he does i am still having fun. I wish i could do everything he could without him having to help. I dont like feeling like i also get left at home to keep the kids. But i just need to start planning stuff to do with my friends so i can look forward to it also. Thanks again!

[scaldedcat]

I know I personally like to see my wife go off for a few days break with her friends (which she did just last week)not because she has to do much for me personally, as I am fairly independent, but just a rest from cleaning the house, washing etc etc. I tell her to forget about me for a few days and my issues (which she doesn't, rings me regularly just to check on me), but we have a ten year old and it is great for them to stay somewhere that is near the beach and has a pool. I am still waiting on a possible colostomy operation because my confidence of leaving the house is a bit shot, but in the future we look forward to going away together as a family as well.

I know many posters have said not to take his comments personally, and I can understand where he's coming from, but I think some of his comments were a bit harsh about extra time it takes for you to get prepared to go places etc. While this is true, as it is with me, it's not your fault, so I don't think it achieves anything by pointing this out and making you feel you're making things difficult. I know myself how frustrating it is now that it takes so much more time to just go for a simple outing, and so does my wife, but if she started having a shot at me about it, it would just make it worse and I would feel like more of a burden.

I think you're husband needs to cut you some slack, as it seems you are handling your disability tremendously well, and while things might be a bit more time consuming or difficult to do now, he doesn't need to remind you of that fact, I'm sure you're well aware.

So I guess what I'm saying, (in a long winded way) is that maybe he could go off with his mates for a trip somewhere for a few days drinking, gambling or whatever takes his fancy. But when it comes to a proper vacation, I believe that is family time and he should want you both to be there enjoying the trip, but more importantly, the company.

Take care

Edited by scaldedcat, 22 December 2011 - 02:57 AM.

[jscott92064]

I know many posters have said not to take his comments personally, and I can understand where he's coming from, but I think some of his comments were a bit harsh about extra time it takes for you to get prepared to go places etc. While this is true, as it is with me, it's not your fault, so I don't think it achieves anything by pointing this out and making you feel you're making things difficult. I know myself how frustrating it is now that it takes so much more time to just go for a simple outing, and so does my wife, but if she started having a shot at me about it, it would just make it worse and I would feel like more of a burden.

Take care

You make a really good point. Thank you.

[Ginny]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I do let him go to the four wheeler park without me for a couple nights but i will admit that i am guilty of not always being supportive and happy about it. I like to go also but i understand him not having as much fun because i cant keep up after this. I think my new years resolution will be to not take that so personal. I just want him to understand that when i do go and i dont do everything he does i am still having fun. I wish i could do everything he could without him having to help. I dont like feeling like i also get left at home to keep the kids. But i just need to start planning stuff to do with my friends so i can look forward to it also. Thanks again!

I think that's an awesome plan! Making arrangements with friends and planning to be happy, yourself, will let him feel free to enjoy himself. It'll be good for you, too, to be with friends, have new experiences. Sounds like a win-win to me!

[siobhanb]

My partners in a wheelchair and he goes off on holiday with the boys, I go with the girls or away with my Mum. Then we go away together. It is about thinking one step a head but its all about the planning. I found going on weekend breaks easier as you can find out lots of information from the internet and plan everything ahead, even down to the restaurants we eat in because we don't want to cause a fuss or get in the way of the waitress'. I agree with the comment about "In 30 years time I can imagine its hard..." I have just spent a weekend with my parents who are married for 30 years and I can see my Mum needs a break! haha!

[strength101]

I'm the girlfriend of my man who is C5/C6. Due to his injury, he requires a lot of personal care that I do for him daily. From your husbands point of view, I can understand the need for a break, however I would much rather take a break with my partner. Sometimes, like others have said on here, everyone needs a break though. I know that I need some time to myself sometimes. I can feel it when I begin to get frustrated or overwhelmed.

This vacation that he wants to take alone, may be a good thing for the two of you. I agree with Scaldedcat, I don't like what he's said to you. But this is not a bad thing, and who knows ... maybe you'd enjoy a few days break too

goodluck!

[bbklbozeman]

Thanks for all the replies! Just to clarify, when said we were nearing our thirties i meant in age.

I'm 28 and he is 29.. we have been together since high school (after my injury).

[Tetracyclone]

I too think this is not so personal, and has less to do with your disability and more to do with his age and the fact that you got together so young, and neither of you have spent time solo in life. It is called an identity crisis, mixed and motivated by stress, and the only thing he can think of to blame it on is immediate circumstances.

Yes, give him space. You need time alone as well to be confident in yourself as a separate person. i also advise counseling because these things can devolve into long-standing problems, or threatened separation if he does not correctly identify the source of his discontent and discomfort. Blaming it on you is dangerous to your family life.

And yet it is not exactly personal. It is adeep life transition that all individuals should go through to gain greater maturity.

It is an opportunity for both of you. Lead by example and go to counseling yourself, just make sure you fine someone good.

[wheeliebear75]

I "get it" & on the other hand "I don't get it".

Yes I am sure he does "miss out" on doing a few things when on vacation because of it not being accessible & everything....but then again who ever DOES get to see/do EVERYTHING they wanted?

It takes me a good 3x-5x as long to get ready as everyone else.....so this just means I get to start getting ready while my B/F listens to some tunes (which I get to enjoy while getting ready) or plays some Play-Station & then 5minutes before we leave he throws his clothes on is ready to go(makes me want to punch him sometimes ).

Now where I DO "get it" is that my B/F has his guy time with the fellas; so 1x-2x a week he goes out & talks cars, shoots pool, howls at the moon, has urinating distance contests...what ever it is GUYS do. And I'm not worried about him running around doing anything behind my back; most of them are married so it's not like he'd be out "chasin tail" or anything, & I trust MY GUY enough to trust that his wanting the company of other "nut scratchers" is in no way a reflection of him wanting to distance himself in OUR relationship.

Now it's true that when I'm along the trails we go 4x4ing on are not as TOUGH as the ones that they all would go on without me...but nobody has ever said anything about going on the "wussy trails" or anything like that. So I really DO NOT "get" where the problem is with not being able to do as hard a ride with you as he would otherwise or having to lift you on especially since you DO give him those days here & there where you're NOT with him to ride all the harder trails.

Not sure that I was of any "help" or not, but that's my 2 cents for what they're worth.

Edited by wheeliebear75, 11 January 2012 - 02:25 AM.

[blessed2haveHER]

hello to all here i am WB 75s BF and care giver .. to this post i have to say that i really dont know how you cant take what he said personaly .. i felt reading your post with WB thats it was very mean maybe im jst differnt but i would never say anything like that to my WB .. and if i read things right then i am to understand that he got with you after injury .. wich means to me ... no complaints its true that i do have my own time on wed and fri nights with my guys ... however WB knows to not feel bad and not shy from asking me to stay in if shes not feeling well or needs me in anyway all she has to do is ask and i dont go .. or if im already out i tell my bros sry gotta go she needs me ... and i never feel like im missing out or i wanna stay out and as far as doing stuff together we find things we both can enjoy and do them and have fun being together i never feel as if im stuck or dont get to do things i want ... i always encourage WB to even go out with me to hang with the bros and sometimes she dose but most times its to cold and she cant but i get a call and imm right back home no questions asked no hard feelings .. and as far as doing things or rides ect ect we both enjoy our jeep we go rock crawling quite a bit and we both enjoy it .. how ever their are many trails that prove to be to much for her .. so we take others point is we still have fun together .. im sry but im sure some wont agree with me on this post but i feel as a BF and care giver to a loved one with a injury meaning any not jst spinal ... there is never room for the words I WANT !!! I I I I i hate people like that it should always be we want we do jst my opinion .. but i felt his statements were very self centerd and rude .. imo when you love the person your with disabled or not you want to be with them and never question what the 2 of you are doing i would tell him how you feel and that it hurts you to hear theese things and if he still is persistant with what he wants .. then maybe hes not the best option of a loved one to be with and a care giver

[Tetracyclone]

I never meant she should nor feel hurt. Who could not take suck comments personally? Yet they are a personalization of his problems which are not really caused by her. Thus, not personal.