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Pushes Me Away! Please Help!




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#1 clk356

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 09:42 AM

Hi I'm new to this forum but hope i can get some much needed advice. I have been dating a man who is paraplegic as a result of a car accident years ago. We met on a dating website and when i met him we got on so well and i am really attracted to him, we probably moved a little quickly and he told me quite early on that he was falling for me. one day a couple of weeks back he said he could really see himself staying with me for a long time and asked if i'd marry him one day ( the way i feel about him i would love to one day) he also said he wanted to have children but that would involve ivf treatment and he wouldn't ever want to put me through that, i said if we stay together and decide to have children i would do that for him. Things were great until just before christmas when he started getting distant saying he had things on his mind and when hes like that i should leave him alone, i gave him the space he needed but he sent me a text saying to "leave him and go and find a normal real man and not a cripple" i told him how much i love him and that he is a real man and its him i want to be with he replied with "if i love him i would do that he doesn't want to burden me and loves me and wants me to be happy" i then called to see him he was angry at first but i said i wanted to prove that i am serious about him and won't let him push me away. Things were fine for a few days he called me one night to say goodnight and sweet dreams and then a couple of hours later i received a text message again saying he loves me and always will but he won't be a burden and wants me to go and be happy...i tell him again what i want and he says he won't reply to my messages anymore. He then text me late at night the next day when i was sleeping....as i didn't reply he text saying to delete his number and never contact him again and that he actually hates me now.
I am so upset as i love this man to bits and wanted a serious future with him, i can't stand to hear him talking like this to me and i feel like he has ended the relationship and theres nothing i can do....i want to reassure him but i'm not sure of what he wants anymore. I would never see him as a burden and he is a real man ....please help me has anyone else experienced something like this and what should i do...i want to just go and see him again but not if it will make things worse

#2 Scrappy

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 10:37 AM

Hi I'm new to this forum but hope i can get some much needed advice. I have been dating a man who is paraplegic as a result of a car accident years ago. We met on a dating website and when i met him we got on so well and i am really attracted to him, we probably moved a little quickly and he told me quite early on that he was falling for me. one day a couple of weeks back he said he could really see himself staying with me for a long time and asked if i'd marry him one day ( the way i feel about him i would love to one day) he also said he wanted to have children but that would involve ivf treatment and he wouldn't ever want to put me through that, i said if we stay together and decide to have children i would do that for him. Things were great until just before christmas when he started getting distant saying he had things on his mind and when hes like that i should leave him alone, i gave him the space he needed but he sent me a text saying to "leave him and go and find a normal real man and not a cripple" i told him how much i love him and that he is a real man and its him i want to be with he replied with "if i love him i would do that he doesn't want to burden me and loves me and wants me to be happy" i then called to see him he was angry at first but i said i wanted to prove that i am serious about him and won't let him push me away. Things were fine for a few days he called me one night to say goodnight and sweet dreams and then a couple of hours later i received a text message again saying he loves me and always will but he won't be a burden and wants me to go and be happy...i tell him again what i want and he says he won't reply to my messages anymore. He then text me late at night the next day when i was sleeping....as i didn't reply he text saying to delete his number and never contact him again and that he actually hates me now.
I am so upset as i love this man to bits and wanted a serious future with him, i can't stand to hear him talking like this to me and i feel like he has ended the relationship and theres nothing i can do....i want to reassure him but i'm not sure of what he wants anymore. I would never see him as a burden and he is a real man ....please help me has anyone else experienced something like this and what should i do...i want to just go and see him again but not if it will make things worse

Hi.. I'm in a wheelchair n I had a relationship where I pushed my girl at the time away.. I'm kinda young 2 tho so thr was a lot of things on my mind n bein in a wheelchair after knowing how life is being "normal" is probly the worst thing that culd happen 2 ne1. Its jus hard 2 get ur mind strait no matter how long uve been in a wheelchair and evn small things can set u off at times. Jus imagine wat its like 2 lose the ability 2 walk and hav 2 live ur life like that.. u lose ur self confidence and self-esteem a very important part of a normal healthy life.. neways I pushed her and she stuck around until I went 2 Mexico I broke up wit her cus wit us fighting all the time it wasn't healthy for either of us especially me since I already hag a lot 2 deal wit.. I use 2 tell her similar things like leave me n find sum1 normal n stuff, guess I didn't c r Culdnt accept her love.. it was tough but I left her and now she says she's happier thn ever wit this guy she met. So if u think u can make it wrk do it. U gota show him ur love is real n u want 2 b wit him n help him n most of al that its not a burden and he's not holding u bak.. help him wit exercises r stretching help him stand up and support him.. but ent ever let him hit u nething cus that's jus 2 much for ne1 and no1 deserves that.. good luck I hope u can make him realize wat he has
SCRAPPY

#3 Spinner

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 11:52 AM

All you can do for him at this point is be there for him. It is really up to him to decide whether he is going to give this a chance and unless he is willing to talk and listen, there is nothing you can do. If you do get the chance to begin communicating you are going to have to be patient while together you begin to work through the issues at hand and get to a healthy relationship. Just be patient, keep the lines of communication open, talk to him, listen to him and always be there for him then hope for the best. When we first met, my husband spent a lot of time telling me to leave him and save myself. After a long while of my sticking in and loving him he finally started to believe me when I told him saving myself meant spending the rest of my life with him. At this point several years on, any issues we have have absolutely nothing to do with his disability, something he never would have imagined when we first met.

Edited by Spinner, 30 December 2011 - 12:07 PM.

"The reality of man is his thought, not his material body." Abdu'l Baha

#4 clk356

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 12:03 PM

Thank you so much for your replies they were both really helpful...i really care about him and want it to work so badly. I guess i'm confused as i can't accept what hes saying, as to me its not true and its him that makes me happy. Its hard to communicate with him as one minute hes fine and calling me then the next he ignores me won't pick up my calls or reply to messages for days. When he pushes me away is it really what he wants or is it him testing to see if i genuinely care? My friends have said to respect his wishes and stay away but hes never once said he doesn't want to be with me he just says i should be with a "real man" i don't want to give up on him but don't want to risk pushing him away myself by contacting him if its space he needs....sorry i'm waffling i'm just really upset
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#5 keiranjump99

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 02:10 PM

waiting can be the most painful thing for someone, by waiting you may help him realise that you will be there for him even if it is going to take some time for him to open up. whats the wost that would happen.
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#6 clk356

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 07:25 PM

I can wait and be patient if that is what he wants...thank you again for your advice. I guess i need to know that he actually wants to be with me...its hard having someone tell you to leave them all the time it makes me feel like he doesn't want me at all. At times it feels like he is giving me a way out but at other times it feels like maybe he doesn't really want me...maybe that is my own insecurity coming out

#7 edlee

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 08:34 PM

Of course he's giving you a way out. How could you like/love a guy that wouldn't? You say he's been SCI for a long time,, so he's much more aware of the problems than you are,, and it's likely that you are not the first woman in his life. If he's been at this for a while,, he will also be aware of his own problems with relationships,, and may know his own track record with them.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt,, and guess that what he is trying to do is save you from the pain of a break up that he is SURE will happen later on. Since he knows himself well enough to know that it will be inevitable,, and he knows you well enough that he feels it would devestate you,, he opts to end it now. Under these circumstances,, I suggest that you trust his judgement.

On the other hand,, he may just be a manipulative son of a b&&&h, who wants to see how easy you will be to keep in your place. In this case,, run like hell ( and change your cell number).

Either way,, he has asked you to stop. To do otherwise would be to ignore his wishes. If he calls you,,, ease up on the " I'll love you forever" crap,,, commitment problems are just as difficult for us crips as they are for ABs.
ed
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#8 knightrider

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Posted 30 December 2011 - 10:26 PM

Sounds to me that he hasn't accepted his injury and moved on. Either way give him a little time and reassure him you are there for him. Maybe he's been hurt in the past? If he doesn't want you and keeps pushing you away the best thing you can do is simply move on, you can't be waiting forever.
"I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past, so one way to get the most out of life is to look at it as an adventure"

#9 A trophy guy

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 02:47 AM

Hi I'm new to this forum but hope i can get some much needed advice. I have been dating a man who is paraplegic as a result of a car accident years ago. We met on a dating website and when i met him we got on so well and i am really attracted to him, we probably moved a little quickly and he told me quite early on that he was falling for me. one day a couple of weeks back he said he could really see himself staying with me for a long time and asked if i'd marry him one day ( the way i feel about him i would love to one day) he also said he wanted to have children but that would involve ivf treatment and he wouldn't ever want to put me through that, i said if we stay together and decide to have children i would do that for him. Things were great until just before christmas when he started getting distant saying he had things on his mind and when hes like that i should leave him alone, i gave him the space he needed but he sent me a text saying to "leave him and go and find a normal real man and not a cripple" i told him how much i love him and that he is a real man and its him i want to be with he replied with "if i love him i would do that he doesn't want to burden me and loves me and wants me to be happy" i then called to see him he was angry at first but i said i wanted to prove that i am serious about him and won't let him push me away. Things were fine for a few days he called me one night to say goodnight and sweet dreams and then a couple of hours later i received a text message again saying he loves me and always will but he won't be a burden and wants me to go and be happy...i tell him again what i want and he says he won't reply to my messages anymore. He then text me late at night the next day when i was sleeping....as i didn't reply he text saying to delete his number and never contact him again and that he actually hates me now.
I am so upset as i love this man to bits and wanted a serious future with him, i can't stand to hear him talking like this to me and i feel like he has ended the relationship and theres nothing i can do....i want to reassure him but i'm not sure of what he wants anymore. I would never see him as a burden and he is a real man ....please help me has anyone else experienced something like this and what should i do...i want to just go and see him again but not if it will make things worse


Normally I read through all of a thread's posts before I contribute; often using earlier posts to help form my opinions. However, I am making a point of responding here without reading anything besides the OP. I connected to this post in a personal way and I want my response to be unencumbered by others' thoughts (as valuable as they are).

I was/am your boyfriend. His pain is my pain, I destroyed my first serious post-injury relationship because of it. Reading your words, I felt this hauntingly familiar insecurity way down in the pit of my stomach; barely noticable but definitely there. It never really left me.

When you're single and you have no one in your life (as bad as that is), it's manageable. No one wants you anyway. But when things begin to get serious with someone, you're forced to come face to face with the good things in yourself that this other person is seeing. And a person dealing with SCI and depression often has a hard time accepting or seeing this. "She wants ME?!" "Really??" Also, one can't help but recognize the bad things in their lives as well. The other side of the coin, so to speak.

If you are engaging in bad habits, having no one else around is the best way to go. No one to worry about you. No one to get mad at you. No one to be disappointed in you. I mean, yeah, YOU can be mad, disappointed and worried about yourself, but you can always deal with yourself, right? ;) But when there is someone else there to act as a "mirror", so to speak, upon which your behavior is reflected and you see yourself, you can't ignore it. Your life is affecting another person now, not just yourself.

Your boyfriend, if he is anything like me, sounds like he needs to come to terms with himself in relation to the rest of the world. A big part of this is one's sexuality; the expression of it as well as the perception of it. Don't give up on him. It sounds like the bond is real with you two. Sorry if this seemed like one big pointless post.

Edited by A trophy guy, 31 December 2011 - 02:49 AM.

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Blessed but Cursed

#10 A trophy guy

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 02:58 AM

Of course he's giving you a way out. How could you like/love a guy that wouldn't? You say he's been SCI for a long time,, so he's much more aware of the problems than you are,, and it's likely that you are not the first woman in his life. If he's been at this for a while,, he will also be aware of his own problems with relationships,, and may know his own track record with them.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt,, and guess that what he is trying to do is save you from the pain of a break up that he is SURE will happen later on. Since he knows himself well enough to know that it will be inevitable,, and he knows you well enough that he feels it would devestate you,, he opts to end it now. Under these circumstances,, I suggest that you trust his judgement.

On the other hand,, he may just be a manipulative son of a b&&&h, who wants to see how easy you will be to keep in your place. In this case,, run like hell ( and change your cell number).

Either way,, he has asked you to stop. To do otherwise would be to ignore his wishes. If he calls you,,, ease up on the " I'll love you forever" crap,,, commitment problems are just as difficult for us crips as they are for ABs.
ed


I agree with you many times, ed but here you and I disagree. He does not want her out of his life. Not when his mind is lucid, at least (meaning not in the depths of depression, not substance-abuse related lol)
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Blessed but Cursed

#11 Anna16

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 03:09 AM


Hi I'm new to this forum but hope i can get some much needed advice. I have been dating a man who is paraplegic as a result of a car accident years ago. We met on a dating website and when i met him we got on so well and i am really attracted to him, we probably moved a little quickly and he told me quite early on that he was falling for me. one day a couple of weeks back he said he could really see himself staying with me for a long time and asked if i'd marry him one day ( the way i feel about him i would love to one day) he also said he wanted to have children but that would involve ivf treatment and he wouldn't ever want to put me through that, i said if we stay together and decide to have children i would do that for him. Things were great until just before christmas when he started getting distant saying he had things on his mind and when hes like that i should leave him alone, i gave him the space he needed but he sent me a text saying to "leave him and go and find a normal real man and not a cripple" i told him how much i love him and that he is a real man and its him i want to be with he replied with "if i love him i would do that he doesn't want to burden me and loves me and wants me to be happy" i then called to see him he was angry at first but i said i wanted to prove that i am serious about him and won't let him push me away. Things were fine for a few days he called me one night to say goodnight and sweet dreams and then a couple of hours later i received a text message again saying he loves me and always will but he won't be a burden and wants me to go and be happy...i tell him again what i want and he says he won't reply to my messages anymore. He then text me late at night the next day when i was sleeping....as i didn't reply he text saying to delete his number and never contact him again and that he actually hates me now.
I am so upset as i love this man to bits and wanted a serious future with him, i can't stand to hear him talking like this to me and i feel like he has ended the relationship and theres nothing i can do....i want to reassure him but i'm not sure of what he wants anymore. I would never see him as a burden and he is a real man ....please help me has anyone else experienced something like this and what should i do...i want to just go and see him again but not if it will make things worse


Normally I read through all of a thread's posts before I contribute; often using earlier posts to help form my opinions. However, I am making a point of responding here without reading anything besides the OP. I connected to this post in a personal way and I want my response to be unencumbered by others' thoughts (as valuable as they are).

I was/am your boyfriend. His pain is my pain, I destroyed my first serious post-injury relationship because of it. Reading your words, I felt this hauntingly familiar insecurity way down in the pit of my stomach; barely noticable but definitely there. It never really left me.

When you're single and you have no one in your life (as bad as that is), it's manageable. No one wants you anyway. But when things begin to get serious with someone, you're forced to come face to face with the good things in yourself that this other person is seeing. And a person dealing with SCI and depression often has a hard time accepting or seeing this. "She wants ME?!" "Really??" Also, one can't help but recognize the bad things in their lives as well. The other side of the coin, so to speak.

If you are engaging in bad habits, having no one else around is the best way to go. No one to worry about you. No one to get mad at you. No one to be disappointed in you. I mean, yeah, YOU can be mad, disappointed and worried about yourself, but you can always deal with yourself, right? ;) But when there is someone else there to act as a "mirror", so to speak, upon which your behavior is reflected and you see yourself, you can't ignore it. Your life is affecting another person now, not just yourself.

Your boyfriend, if he is anything like me, sounds like he needs to come to terms with himself in relation to the rest of the world. A big part of this is one's sexuality; the expression of it as well as the perception of it. Don't give up on him. It sounds like the bond is real with you two. Sorry if this seemed like one big pointless post.


I agree, mostly. I was in the same position, but the roles were reversed. My injury is way old, but this summer I was venturing into a relationship with a guy. At first it was fine, but as things got more serious, I freaked out. I didn't understand what he saw in me. I told him there are tons of girls out there who are similar to me, but could give him so much more than I could ever give him. He kept telling me he didn't want them. He wanted me. I pushed him away hardcore. Now it is one of my biggest regrets. Even with all his reassurance, I still wasn't able to get into a serious relationship because I had doubted myself so much about my worth. We're still friends and I still have feelings for him, but the last thing I want to do is go crawling back to him after I pushed him away so many times.

Looking at my situation from the outside, I would be annoyed with myself. If I was an outsider, I would have told my guy friend to just leave because I was being annoying and way too sensitive. I would tell him he shouldn't have to wait around for me while his heart was on the line. But if I gave it to you from my perspective, I would say I just needed more time and to take things slower. I needed to be comfortable and see myself as loveable and wanted. (The last guy to admit he had feelings for me said that he needed a girl like me, but he couldn't handle the chair. Getting out of that mentality of feeling worthless is taking me a while, and with the new guy, it was a new territory for me. Being hurt in the past contributed a lot to how this summer played out... ) *shrug* Just my two cents.

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#12 Kayak Girl

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 07:08 AM

My boyfriend did the same thing with me when we first started dating and our relationship progressed really quickly as well. My bf was born with a birth defect so it wasn't an injury he was just getting used to but because of it he never had any really successful or long term relationships in the past (shallow women).

He wrote me an email ending it. I wrote him back saying somewhere along the lines of it's too late, you can't get rid of me that easily and I am not going to let you run because you are scared and told him the reasons I loved him and wanted to be with him. He was very insecure in the beginning and it took a lot of patience and reassuring him and proving I was in it for the long haul. A year later he moved in with me and 4 years later we are both ecstatically happy and secure knowing that we are truly soulmates.

It might not be easy for awgile but if he is the one it will definetly be worth it. Hang in there and keep proving to him you are sure of your love for him.

#13 lavenderthistle

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 07:47 AM

I want to say something deep and meaningful to reassure you, but this probably is useless info.


It goes,against most things I feel....but give him space for a few weeks.
Beyond the sci aspect....he's a human. We have natural ups and downs, we feel attractive and useful, we feel bitter, angry, sullen, pain...when sci happens....all those emotions stay, plus more come.

You may not know how he deals with pain (emotional or physical) he may just close off naturally. I lose myself and am very remote and withdrawn at times. When I need and ask for space, but don't get it....I feel smothered and I lash out. Not much to do with SCI, just after shocks from my life.

In high-school this totally hot guy asked me out. I laughed in his face....I still regret that and it was in 86!!

I did that because of past emotional injury. I thought he did it on a dare and I wanted to shield myself from the pain of a cruel joke. It wasn't a joke, but I hurt him.

Where is this looney lady going you ask????

His closing off is probably a defense mechanism and the more you push the farther/ further he is likely to retreat, resentment will build. If there was a true connection, you will find it again.

I had a nervous breakdown about the time I got married. "What man is loser enough to want me and my matching luggage of crazy" we got married in 95, but shacked up in 90.
You can't mend him with love...he has to mend his psyche and body.

Sorry again this rambles
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If an idiot speaks in an empty room, do they still sound dumb??

#14 nomis

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 08:07 AM

I'm not surprised you're confused. You're getting confusing messages.

I've no idea of what is going on in your boyfriend's head and I suspect he hasn't much idea either. As with some others here, this triggers memories of how I once behaved. I'm not saying your boyfriend is the same but here's my experience.

I cut myself off from the girlfriend I had at the time of my accident. It was a new relationship and I felt I was no longer worthy of her - she deserved far more than I could ever offer. I didn't communicate any of this to her clearly, I just became less friendly.

What I realised years down the track was that I was too fearful of the emotional pain I was trying to hide from. She symbolised all the good I had lost. To love her meant to bring all my vulnerabilities into the open and at the time I didn't have the guts to do that. It was the most fearful thing to face, to fully accept who I was and at the same time accept that the person of my dreams also accepted me that way.

I know better now but I've had years and years to learn that.
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#15 Scrappy

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 10:04 AM

I'm not surprised you're confused. You're getting confusing messages.

I've no idea of what is going on in your boyfriend's head and I suspect he hasn't much idea either. As with some others here, this triggers memories of how I once behaved. I'm not saying your boyfriend is the same but here's my experience.

I cut myself off from the girlfriend I had at the time of my accident. It was a new relationship and I felt I was no longer worthy of her - she deserved far more than I could ever offer. I didn't communicate any of this to her clearly, I just became less friendly.

What I realised years down the track was that I was too fearful of the emotional pain I was trying to hide from. She symbolised all the good I had lost. To love her meant to bring all my vulnerabilities into the open and at the time I didn't have the guts to do that. It was the most fearful thing to face, to fully accept who I was and at the same time accept that the person of my dreams also accepted me that way.

I know better now but I've had years and years to learn that.

i like this you really described how it is.. i can relate 2 your story
SCRAPPY

#16 Scrappy

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 10:10 AM

Thank you so much for your replies they were both really helpful...i really care about him and want it to work so badly. I guess i'm confused as i can't accept what hes saying, as to me its not true and its him that makes me happy. Its hard to communicate with him as one minute hes fine and calling me then the next he ignores me won't pick up my calls or reply to messages for days. When he pushes me away is it really what he wants or is it him testing to see if i genuinely care? My friends have said to respect his wishes and stay away but hes never once said he doesn't want to be with me he just says i should be with a "real man" i don't want to give up on him but don't want to risk pushing him away myself by contacting him if its space he needs....sorry i'm waffling i'm just really upset

i think its sumwhat of a test and a lot of mixed emotions/feelings.. in my opinion he wants you to be there for him and he worries he'll be holding you back at times he might need space and at times he might jus need u 2 run up and giv him a hug or something.. very complicated for sure
SCRAPPY

#17 Kayak Girl

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 01:12 PM

His closing off is probably a defense mechanism and the more you push the farther/ further he is likely to retreat, resentment will build. If there was a true connection, you will find it again.

You can't mend him with love...he has to mend his psyche and body.


I agree with not smothering or pushing him. You know him and will know what that limit is. I would tell him how you feel about it and about him and wait for him to respond. When things are at a point where you can talk and feeling close, thats when I'd really try to discuss it with him, not at the time he is pushing you away.

Lavender is right that he needs to mend himself and he has to want to but I also think your love can do a lot to help him get there by proving the past dosn't always repeat itself in the future and that you will be there for him. It all depends on how you react when he pushes you away. I knew the person my bf was deep down and I believe I helped bring that out of him. He is now so much more self confident in so many ways. If I didn't know already that that is who he was to begin with, I'd say he is a totally different person now and it is a great thing to see.

#18 Tetracyclone

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 01:41 PM

Beautiful,


you said, "We're still friends and I still have feelings for him, but the last thing I want to do is go crawling back to him after I pushed him away so many times. "

So, it is more important to you to maintain a false self-image here, not admitting to him you made a mistake, than to have a good relationship???
If that is the case it is seriously destructive of your own happiness.
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#19 greybeard

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 02:25 PM

Beautiful,


you said, "We're still friends and I still have feelings for him, but the last thing I want to do is go crawling back to him after I pushed him away so many times. "

So, it is more important to you to maintain a false self-image here, not admitting to him you made a mistake, than to have a good relationship???
If that is the case it is seriously destructive of your own happiness.


I strongly agree with Tera on this.

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  Rage, rage against the dying of the light" 

[Dylan Thomas]


#20 Anna16

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 09:43 PM


Beautiful,


you said, "We're still friends and I still have feelings for him, but the last thing I want to do is go crawling back to him after I pushed him away so many times. "

So, it is more important to you to maintain a false self-image here, not admitting to him you made a mistake, than to have a good relationship???
If that is the case it is seriously destructive of your own happiness.


I strongly agree with Tera on this.


Thanks, but it's hard to have a relationship with someone while they're seeing someone else.
You want to be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling

#21 greybeard

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 11:00 PM



Beautiful,


you said, "We're still friends and I still have feelings for him, but the last thing I want to do is go crawling back to him after I pushed him away so many times. "

So, it is more important to you to maintain a false self-image here, not admitting to him you made a mistake, than to have a good relationship???
If that is the case it is seriously destructive of your own happiness.


I strongly agree with Tera on this.


Thanks, but it's hard to have a relationship with someone while they're seeing someone else.

But if you tell the guy how you really feel, that might change. Remember the old saying - "All's fair in love ....etc" Take your pleasures when you can because this life isn't a rehearsal.

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  Rage, rage against the dying of the light" 

[Dylan Thomas]


#22 qbounce

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Posted 01 January 2012 - 04:38 AM

I hope you got that midnight kiss, anyway. Posted Image
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

#23 clk356

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Posted 02 January 2012 - 11:35 AM

Thanks to everyone for their advice, its not going to be easy but i'm going to try my best. Things have been fine he invited me over on New years eve then later on after a few drinks he had an accident and changed towards me saying i deserve a "real man" he was crying and went to bed...he kept shouting telling me to find someone else. I told him i have a real man and have made my choice to be with him so he'll have to put up with me. The next morning things were fine between us he said he would call e but haven't heard anything. I know i should give him space but where do i draw the line i want him to know i'm here but i don't want ti be "chasing after him" as he'll lose respect for me and probably interest. Sorry if i'm waffling again i just don't know what to do

#24 A trophy guy

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Posted 02 January 2012 - 08:23 PM

Thanks to everyone for their advice, its not going to be easy but i'm going to try my best. Things have been fine he invited me over on New years eve then later on after a few drinks he had an accident and changed towards me saying i deserve a "real man" he was crying and went to bed...he kept shouting telling me to find someone else. I told him i have a real man and have made my choice to be with him so he'll have to put up with me. The next morning things were fine between us he said he would call e but haven't heard anything. I know i should give him space but where do i draw the line i want him to know i'm here but i don't want ti be "chasing after him" as he'll lose respect for me and probably interest. Sorry if i'm waffling again i just don't know what to do

There is also the possibility that he is simply not ready for a relationship. Being in a healthy relationship takes work (on both sides) and a certain level of acceptance or maturity with one's place in life. It sounds like your boyfriend never undertook the (admittedly very difficult) process of examining and accepting and understanding many of these new realities that now fill his life.

I'm not saying this IS the way he is, just that it appears that way based on what you have told us. And if that is the truth, then things will never get better until he comes to terms. And it sounds like he needs help. Professional help. Not your help. Your help blurs the lines between partner and "fixer". He needs therapy.
Blessed but Cursed

#25 edlee

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Posted 02 January 2012 - 09:45 PM

A very good point, ATG. The difference between the "partner" you would like to be,, and the "fixer" that Guy mentioned,, can, not only be blurred,, but could put you in the "mother" role with him. While we all love our "mothers" (real or by association) , they are not the ones most well balanced people want to spend their lives with.

Be careful of how you present yourself to him, in this regard. It will be his perception of you that ultimately determines his feelings toward you. And as was stated,, a bit of therapy might be in order,, for you both.
ed

#26 qbounce

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Posted 03 January 2012 - 01:51 AM

Don't second guess yourself with some one you care about.
If you want to call him, then call. Leave a message if he doesn't pick up . . . . . then leave it at that until he does call back.

But as others have stated, you can't change his mental condition.
Truth is, WE have no idea why he's pulling away from you.
Maybe he's come to the realization that this HAS moved to fast, so he's trying to slow it down a bit . . . . who knows?
Maybe this is his MO, and the minute things get too serious he cuts it off, permanently . . . . but I don't know that for sure either.
It's all speculation, really.

One thing's for certain, that in this early stage of your relationship, with all the on again and off again way that your boyfriend is treating you, if you want any truthful and honest answers, you should both see a professional relationship counselor if he's willing (like ATG & Ed suggested).

Maybe even the suggestion of a counselor for you both might give him the push he needs to open up more to you, knowing how seriously committed you are in making this relationship work?
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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

#27 Zack

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Posted 03 January 2012 - 10:27 AM

Geez, I've had a few serious relationships post injury where soon as I found myself feeling that my partners were feeling my psychological pain of the daily SCI issues I went and pushed my partners away. The more they expressed how much they loved me, and wanted to be together forever the more I pushed then even further away.
Now I'm 50 years old, living alone and looking back at how I allowed someone so far into my life that we were truly in love, the kind you only find once in your life and I through it away all out of not wanting someone else feeling my pain. :(

Older and not in a serious relationship now, I feel as if I hurt more then one love by letting our relationship grow that deep, to only end up ending it out of not wanting them to be feeling my pain! I believe now I only caused more pain by not understanding then that love is sharing the Good and Bad things that both bring into the relationship.

Over tired right now, and looking back has me wishing either of my loves would've just Hit me real hard in the head and said "Your Stuck with me like it or not!" and maybe my life would've turned out a lot better!

No idea if this helps you. Just your post has me looking back and hoping you might get something from my rambling!
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~Kill them with Kindness~

#28 Kayak Girl

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Posted 03 January 2012 - 09:19 PM

I agree that maybe seeing a councelor could help. My boyfriend started seeing a councelor when we started dating and he was pushing me away and it did help. I do not agree however on the comments about being a fixer. If he were being whiney and claiming that he could not do things that he could do and wanted her to do everything for him, that would put her in the motherly role. I think this is completly different.

It sounds to me like the times he pushes her away are the times he really needs her most. I don't know all of it or his side, but from what I have heard, it sounds to me like he needs to know that she will stick around even through all the crap and his lows. It also sounds like he needs to work on his self esteem issues.

When my boyfriend and I got together I did a lot to help boost his self esteem but I made sure he worked on it on his own as well. I never felt motherly towards him and don't think he ever felt that way about me. You would boost the esteem of your friends and support them through rough times, so why not a partner? I think what it did for us was firmly establish a relationship in which we are truly best friends. I boost him up when he is down and he does the same for me. We will also tell eachother if the other is being rediculous about a situation and put them in check. There is nothing greater than being in love with your best friend.

My advise would be to push back and help him deal with the self esteem issues. I can't promise it will help for everyone but it worked out great for us! :)
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#29 GCC

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Posted 06 January 2012 - 03:47 AM

The man is just scared. It is easier to be alone and not have a broken heart than to risk being hurt. It is a difficult life. He just needs the reassurance that you are sincere and have considered what you are facing. I cannot stress enough the need for you to establish your own life. You need girlfriends, personal outings, and a way to express yourself to have a healthy relationship whether your man is in a chair or not.
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#30 richo

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Posted 06 January 2012 - 05:05 AM

dont think anyone needs too be jerked around too mutch by anyone...the damage that can do can be far worse than phisical damage,like too quote a few lirics out of one of my favorite songs.pink floyd.......life is a short warm romance and death is a long cold rest.......anywho hope things work out for ya.RICHO


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