38 replies to this topic

[clk356]

Thanks to everyone for their advice....i am not taking on any role as a fixer as he does everything for himself. I just want to prove to him that i am here to stay and at times like now I am finding it a struggle. He has been especially distant i think this is mainly because of the holiday season, he has been avoiding alot of people. I have kept my distance and given him the space he asked for but have reassured him when he has been down. The suggestion of counselling is a good idea. I know there is nothing else i can do but be there for him and wait and see what happens now....i pray it works out as this is what i want. Thanks again

[elle80]

I can completely relate to this post, there is a lot of good advice on here already so I will ttry not to go on about it and I don't think that you deserve to be treated like this but will know yourself deep down if he really means it and it sounds like you know why he is doing it, you don't just go from loving someone and wanting a future with them to hating them so if I were you I would hang in there, try diffferent approaches and don't give up on him.

Edited by elle80, 16 February 2012 - 05:26 PM.

[elle80]

Sorry just to add something as well, he said that you would need to have IVF to have a baby but I have been reading on here other ways to try first, I don't know much about levels of injury etc but there are posts on other techniques you can try at home.

[clk356]

Thank you for all your advice, i tried to be there and gave im space when he asked for it and when he needed me there or reassurance i gave it to him. Nearly 2 weeks ago he broke up with me he said he can't cope with me being nice to him it scares him and hes not used to it. I told him its not what i want but i will respect his wishes and hope he will be happy. I then hear from him days later when he rings me late at night asking me to come over as we need to talk i tell him i can't as i have work in the morning, so he tells me to forget it and hangs up on me. He sends me a text then in the early hours of the morning saying he tried and i didn;t which is absolute rubbish to me i couldn't have tried any more than i did. He also tells me to delete his number and never contact him again. I am regaining my emotional strength as i was a mess at the time and i am sad at losing him but angry and frustrated at the same time as we could have been so good if he wasn't so stubborn and intent on hurting himself. I honestly don't know what else i can do

[Tetracyclone]

This guy sounds like he wants a life full of drama. Yuck!

[qbounce]

Yeah, everything on his terms. He sounds a bit like a little boy.

Continue giving him space. He has some growing up to do.

By the way, it must really suck having someone be so nice to you! lol

[A trophy guy]

Um, he sounds like he's got some major work to do before he is ready for a serious relationship.

[ForeverChanged]

Wow, when I read the original post I thought I would see a bunch of others saying, "he's nuts. leave him" and things like that. I couldn't believe it when I saw all these people who related to him. From the time I had my accident I was told by doctors, psychiatrists at the rehab hospital, nurses and pretty much everyone around me that they couldn't believe how great my attitude was and nobody could believe that I wasn't depressed. I ran into 3 trees, a telephone pole and a house doing 130mph in my new Camaro. I was thrown out of the car and onto the roof of the house. I rolled off the other side of the house and landed on the porch. I kept telling people that and that I'm just grateful to still be alive. My point is, I just can't believe that all these people relate to this guy. From the time of my accident I started dating immediately. In fact, I left EVERY hospital I've ever been in dating a nurse. I was going through a divorce at the time of my accident but I've been married twice since then and dated MANY women. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Personally, I think this guys is an immature little whiner. I just don't think he's thinking about you. I think that he's either met someone else and he's trying to use the old "it's not you, it's me" way of breaking up but this is the wheelchair version of that.
Look hun, you need to get him alone and force him to talk to you face to face. Tell him to grow the hell up, stop feeling sorry for himself and let him know that if he wants to break up then break up but don't let him pretend to be noble. Let him know that you love him, you'll be there for him, you don't think of him as anything less than a man so if he wants to split up then just do it but don't bulls**t you about the reasons. I guess this is the reason I don't hang out with too many people with sci's. I don't like whiners and I just hate to hear people feeling sorry for themselves. I put myself here as did MANY of the other people with SCI. When I was in the rehab, there were quite a few guys up there with me that would whine and cry about their situations. I just got sick of it. I finally just started telling people to shut the hell up and if they wanted to feel sorry for someone, go to the other end of the hospital and see the kids who are in their shape and worse, many with God awful traumatic brain injuries and they're there through no fault of their own.
I was 26 at the time of my accident. I was married and had 2 kids. I'd spent 5 years in the Army in 82nd Airborne Division so I'd had a chance to live. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days just like anyone but I just can't sit around feeling sorry for myself and I think your boyfriend is doing just that. I think he's got to grow up a little. Tell him some of the things I mentioned. If he doesn't have any hobbies, sports or something that make him feel useful, maybe that's part of the problem. Men have to feel useful and if he's just sitting around doing nothing, he doesn't feel useful. First though, make sure that he doesn't have another girl. Also, make sure he's not using alcohol or drugs. I've been clean and sober for over 7 years now but I used alcohol and cocaine for quite a few years before I finally got my head out of my butt and quit. He seems to be up and down in his moods and drugs can cause that. I was using long before I was paralyzed so do some research into his past. See if he was using before he was paralyzed but you said he was paralyzed quite awhile ago so his addiction could have started since he was paralyzed. It doesn't really matter when it started, if that's the problem, he needs help to stop but you should find out what it is that is causing him to act like this. He's either a whiny punk, has another girlfriend, has a substance abuse issue or just isn't in love with you and wants to break up. When he asked you if you'd like to marry him someday, he may have been hoping that you would say "no" or at least try to avoid the question and then he could use that as the excuse to break up with you. I just think there is more to it than him thinking you can do better. Maybe it's just me and the fact that I LOVE women and would have NEVER went without dating but I just think there is more to it. You need to either figure out what it is or just do what he said and don't contact him again and be happy that you dodged that bullet. If he's that much of a punk you don't want him anyway and maybe he's right, you need a "real man" but it's his MENTAL condition and NOT his physical condition that's causing him to be 'not a man'. You seem to be a very caring and loving woman and he'd be lucky to marry you. If he's too stupid to see that, maybe he doesn't deserve you anyway. Good luck no matter what you decide.

[Tetracyclone]

Foreverchanged- Whoa. Keep these posts coming .

I feel pulled now and then to feel sorry for myself, and one can always find reasons. I take your post this morning as a boot in the butt to get out there and be a "real woman!"