[Carly/Kevin]

all i want to say to all of you and anyone that i can, PLEASE tell somebody if you ever have suicidal thoughts talk to somebody you love about it. they will never think bad about you, all they will do is try to help. there is people out there that will listen to you, even if you don't think so.

your probably thinking, why is she saying this and this is why:
the last 13 hours has been a blur for me. all i can really remember is going to my boyfriends house to tell him that i have something special planned for us and that i am so sorry about our HUGE argument last night and i love him no matter what. well, then there he was. when i found him i can remember trying to see if he's still breathing but i couldn't get anything so i called 911. and the only other thing i remember is his mom coming into my house and she is crying and handed me this white envelope and told me that is was for me from him. and i don't recall much of anything else. but i never thought i would lose the very first person i actually fell head-over-heals in love with that man like this. i guess nobody does.

and what was even worse, all of this is my fault! we had a huge fight the night before and the last thing i told him before i stormed out of the house was, "god, at this very moment i don't understand why i am even dating you!" and that night he tried to call me. but i ignored his calls, and he even texted me saying, "i love you" and i never texted him back. and now, he's gone. he's gone and i said those awful words to him.

and not just that. he NEVER told any of us how he felt. we all thought he was doing better. he talked to me about things, and he goes to his therapist every week and he never mentioned anything like this, except once to me and i made sure we had a long talk about it. but i guess he really was depressed and i set it off and he is now gone. i did it ..

but i just want to try to reach out to people that are thinking about it. please don't, your going to leave behind the people you love and care about you so much. and you will hurt them more then you know it. and that white piece of paper that you write them, isn't going to make it any easier on them. i know i cant even read what he wrote me, i put it in my car by our picture and leave it there till i can open it, if i ever can.

so i just want to tell people that its not worth it, everyone has a purpose in this world and even if you feel as if you don't, trust me you do. everyone has somebody they love and those people love you back. don't hurt yourself because when you do you also hurt a hundred other people.

so, i guess this WHOLE thing is about, IF YOU EVER HAVE THOUGHTS OF IT or A FRIEND DOES, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! GET HELP!

so i just want to tell all of you guys good-bye and thanks for answering all my questions i have had. you guys are really awesome people and live life to the fullest! thanks, for all.. there is no need for me to be here anymore since Kevin is now not on this earth anymore.

Carly Lynn

[itsjustme]

Dearest Carly,

Now it's time for you to get some help. It's not your fault. Kevin did a very selfish thing and has left everyone who loved him here to suffer for him. He did this, not you. He made this decision. He could have just as easily made the decision to wait for you to walk back in that door which you did, and talk and work on whatever problem you guys were having.

When you have had time to grieve, stand up tall and strong, hold your head up high and honor the love that you had for Kevin by living a purpose filled life. Don't wallow in the guilt.

My heart breaks for your loss. Love and prayers............Bev

[rooster1005]

Dearest Carly,

I agree with Bev you need to find a counselor to talk with. There are groups available for people in your shoes. The biggest thing though is that this is not your fault. You are not the one who made this decision and you need to stop letting yourslef feel that way. Which is easier said than done so you need to find someone to help you through this tough time

Best Wishes and you are in our prayers
Laura

[Kevin]

I'm very sorry this happened. One thing I'd like to point out though:

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Regardless of what you did or didn't do, it's not your fault. He made a very selfish decision, not you. He acted on it, not you. You think the argument you had with him is the reason for his actions. It's not. He chose that action instead of 100 others he could have chosen.

I'm not trying to minimize what happened. It's terrible. Please don't make it worse by blaming yourself though. Stay with the board, too. There are lots of good people here who can help you through this, even if it's just comfoting words or words of wisdom. You are cared for. Don't leave those that care for you.

[juls]

Dear Carly,
I have had 2 suicides in my family and just recently a friend. It is one of the cruellest ways to lose someone you love......but it's no ones fault. You can't blame yourself, ultimately it's thier choice and it wont change anything by you beating yourself up with the 'what if's'
You should see a therapist as it will help and stick with the board, at least for a little bit. We all care aout you and want to makes sure you are doing alright. Sometimes it's easier to talk to 'strangers' as well, rather then the people that are close to you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, love Julie

[Glor]

Dearest Carly,

My heart breaks for you... please do get help, someone professional to talk to. Guilt is very distructive,so deal with this as soon as you can. It was not your fault and there is always a bigger picture.

I wish you all the best and more happiness and love in the future. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Glor

PS: My para partner died in 2004 and i still get support and comfort from reading stuff on this forum, so maybe, give it some time before you leave... let the wonderful souls here, carry you through..

[LadyPilot]

Dear Carly,
My heart breaks for you. I agree with what has already been said. It isnt your fault.

I hope that you will consider "all of us" as your friends here and stay with us on this forum.

[Carly/Kevin]

thanks for all of your guys thoughts and preyers. it means a lot.

but kevin really was a good person. i guess that he didn't know how to cope with his problems in any other way. i knew he was down, but not like this. his injury was still so new (litle less then a year), that he never gave himself a chance. he really did have a lot going for him, and i would tell him. but i don't know.. i guess he never seen it in himself.

i guess its not my fault, but i just needed someone to blame and myself was who. because of our argument, and ohh yes, we have had arguments but i guess when those words that come out, out of anger, are the last words said to someone you love; you don't know who else to blame but yourself. no one said this is how it was supposed to end. its just hard, very hard. but i still love that man no matter what and i knew him more years then not. so this will be hard to leave behind. i do think though that even 40 years from now i will look back, and not have forgotten none it. i believe you never can really leave something like this behind.

thanks again for all of your responses and preyers.

Carly Lynn

This post has been edited by Carly/Kevin: 06 August 2006 - 02:53 PM

[Lucydog]

I just wanted to say,... well actually there is NOTHING I can say at this time that will help right now. But you have made a lot of friends here, and hopefully in time you willbe able to move forward with your own life. Please seek some professional support when you can, it does help really.
lots of love and hugs

L

[Dancingdolphin]

Dear Carly Lynn

I really don't know what to write..............

This is probably the most difficult time in your life....I'm so sorry this has happened. I totally agree with what everybody else has written.......this really isn't your fault. All we can do is send you cyber hugs by the truckload and prayers.....

The fact that you joined this site shows your loving personality and committment to helping Kevin


Take care...will be thinking and praying for you


((((((((((((((((((Carly Lynn)))))))))))))))))))))))

karen

This post has been edited by Dancingdolphin: 06 August 2006 - 04:32 PM

[Scotsgal]

So very sorry, Carly, words just don't seem adequate...
((((((Carly))))))))
Love Scotsgal xx.

[Avocado Baby]

Words fail me but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I am so sorry this has happened.

Please remember this is not your fault. It's not anyone's.

Please stay with us so we can be of some support to you.

I wish you all the love in the world.

[xMaddiex]

carly, theres nothing i can say to make you feel better, but i can try. it's not your fault honey, you shouldn't feel you're to blame because you're not. he knew you loved him still, and you know you'll always loved him. it's hard but time will help heal your hurt, even though it might not feel like it now. i really don't know what else to say, so, i'll be thinking of you, love, maddie xxx

[Carly/Kevin]

i just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts and preyers once more..

as my mom said to me, 'time will try to heal all'.. so hopefully that is true..

so thank you for everything.. this is a very hard time, and a reality i am not sure that i want to come to terms with and deal with it all.. but i will in time.. but i know that people care and that helps.. thanks for everything.. xOxO ..

[Jilly]

Ive just read this and I have shivers down my spine....I feel sooooo sad for you..What a horrible thing to go through. No...its not your fault. and please stay with the site...you are welcome here and you still have every reason to be here.

[miss piggy]

Just sending you a very big hug x

[Kit]

I'm sorry for your loss

[MelissaB]

Carly,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I send you a very big hug.
Melissa

[coolmom9396]

i'm very very sorry for ur loss. if i can be of any help please let me know and stay on the site. This place has kept me going.

[Gary Anderson]

Carly

I too am very sorry for your loss. I know how hard it must have been for Kevin to do what he did because I too have often felt like that. However, being in the medical profession, I have tried to fight it very hard. Sometimes, it is the hardest thing to do but I have tried.

I got a great comfort from the boards and indeed still do. Now, I tend to pick/choose what I reply to because I found that "surfing" here all day every day did not help my pesonal situation.

I have enjoyed talking to you and I hope that you do decide to return as a friend of the boards. I am a member on another spinal injuries forum and have to confess that I only use the forum for the "fun" side of it. Being so close all day every day in my job and then trying to help others, completely threw me out the window when my personal life went wrong.

Anyroads, I hope once you begin to get things together again that you find the time to visit here. I am sure you could get great comfort from the friends here.

It is such a touchy subject and so different to everyone, however, belive you me I DO know what you and indeed Kevin went through and I know what you are going through now. So, only want to say you are in my thoughts and prayers and I send a big hug across the wires to you.

God bless.

[swank]

Hi Carly,

Please, you must remember when someone is in such a bad state of depression it is not just one argument, person or situation that makes them do that.... sometimes nothing you could have done could have prevented that person from going that way.

You gave him your heart and thats more than a lot of people did while he was stil alive... remember all the sweet and forget the bitter... nothing we say to you now can make it better, and the pain and grieve will always come back when you are reminded of him, but at least you shared a part of his life in a big way.

You were the best thing that ever happened to him. Good luck my dear, lots of hugs and kisses xxxx

This post has been edited by swank: 15 August 2006 - 07:14 AM

[mttb14]

Hi Carly,

I hold you close to my heart at this moment and for as long as you need it. You joined this forum around the same time as I did and I have read many of your postings and have felt as if I know you and Kevin.

My ex-husband's wife has just also committed suicide, she was totally messed up inside, she had an alcohol problem and I think mental health issues, she was found face down in a stream running through the forrestry, she had overdosed on alcohol and tablets. She basically walked out of the hospital secure unit where they were trying to help her deal with all of her mental health and alcohol problems, but she made a decision and she no longer wanted to be a part of this life, I hope the next life she has now gone to treats her better than this one did.

My ex husband is going through very similar thoughts to you at this moment, they had split up, and then she did this. I think that once their soul has given up, no one or nothing can stop them from making the decision they have, I don't think suicide is an easy way out, it takes an extremely strong will to go through with it, I think the person just comes to the end of their tether, and their thoughts no longer make sense, they just want to leave it all behind and to go to sleep forever.

If you can think of him as having a long, pain free, undisturbed sleep, where he is now whole, in the way that he wanted to be, the pain for him is over. I know the pain you now face is just beginning, and we really are all here for you and his family, if they should need us.

REMEMBER:-

MEMORIES ARE TREASURES NO ONE CAN STEAL,

AND YOU HAVE LOTS OF GOOD MEMORIES, FOCUS ON THEM AND REMEMBER YOUR LOVE.

We cannot send sympathy cards over the computer, but you do have my love and sympathy sent to you at this time and our understanding should you wish to talk, email us, or if you decide to take some time away from the forum, but you are part of this community, so please don't leave it.

God Bless you all.

Sent with hugs and kisses from

Maria