34 replies to this topic

[khaleesi]

My marriage counselor asked me, "If you knew then what you know now, would you still have married your husband?" I wouldn't have done it. This makes me feel like a horrible witch, but it is true.

My hubby is a c3/4 quad incomplete caused by an auto accident where he was t-boned at a high rate of speed.

He now lives the following life:
1. watch tv
2. play world of warcraft
3. lay in bed
4. sleep
5. bowel program, cath
6. take pills especially his oxycodone that he is addicted to
7.ignore me unless he needs food, drink, to be cathed, etc

He literally goes nowhere, does nothing, has no friends, stays in the bedroom all day and night, and isolates himself.
As for sex, I am being forced into a life of celebacy because he can't maintain an erection even on viagra type pills, an injection, and a pump being used. He won't participate in other sexual activities to pleasure me. He simply gives up any activity if he doesn't have an erection.

Anyhow, I am tired of givivg and giving with nothing in return. I deserve affection and attention.

He needs counseling, and if he doesn't go soon, I will have to divorce him.

[nomis]

As adults we are responsible for our own lives. We all have the freedom to make choices and it is from those choices that set the next direction of our life. We can't know in advance of the good or the bad ahead but we have to take responsibility for choosing our path. Your husband has his choices and so do you.

[clk55pete]

As adults we are responsible for our own lives. We all have the freedom to make choices and it is from those choices that set the next direction of our life. We can't know in advance of the good or the bad ahead but we have to take responsibility for choosing our path. Your husband has his choices and so do you.

Well said Nomis. I feel your pain khaleesi. If you both go to counselling then it sounds like your husband knows how unhappy you are but is either choosing or unable to move from where he is. Sometimes people like others to make choices for them by taking action that results in change.

Whatever you do I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

[Tatiana]

In response.......

Im sure that if your hubby was asked the same question about you then his answer may be no too in that he would not have married you had he known his future and now present state. He would not have wanted this way of life for you nor him.

His situation is not an easy one for him and he is no doubt dealing with his own issues in the only way he knows how.

Sounds like he is needs a wake up call though as his way of life at the moment isnt healthy for himself nor you.

The relationship you have now is certainly not the ideal (whatever that may be)..but it does seem that there is much that could be improved but would you still be unhappy as limits and restrictions are always going to be there. I guess it depends which aspects of him now you are happy to accept and those which you cant.

Counselling for you both looks like a way forward....and then if he still continues to be inconsiderate in ways that are unreasonable to you then as Nomis pointed out..you have a choice...

Will he come on the forum? he may find useful advice from others who strive to achieve a productive and manageable lifestyle..despite their SCI.

Good luck with it

[Spinner]

You are allowed to leave.

As @Nomis so beautifully put it, you both have choices here. He can choose to man up and fight for his mental and physical health and his marriage or he can run the risk of losing them. @Tatiana is right, counseling is the way forward - with one caveat - you both have to have the same goals, the same commitment to your relationship, and must both be active participants in the process of improving your marriage.Yes, he is going through a tough time, and so are you. Long after their divorce, my husband's ex pointed out that he wasn't the only one who broke his neck, it was an experience his entire family went through.

Good luck to you. You are in the right place for support and information.

[Tetracyclone]

khaleesi,


Dear Lady,
Any marriage is subject to the fact that the emotional tone is set by whichever party is least happy. One depressed person can and will bring down an entire household. Horribly, the spouse is the person with the least leverage to help a depressed mate. Depression is like an infection, and unless your husband is willing and hoping to seek counseling and to change, moving toward engagement is real life, you too are the victim of his SCI and depression.

Do what you must, but DO build a real life for yourself. I hope he comes with you, but he may actually be hoping you will leave so that he does not have to deal with you.

Edited by Tetracyclone, 21 May 2012 - 09:00 PM.

[qbounce]

So, how long have you been going to counseling, and why hasn't your husband been going with you?

You aren't the first wife to come on this site to make a solitary post, only to leave for good. (I think your the third that I can recall).

Most come on here to get a rally cry from our members looking for back up support, because let's face it, their minds are usually already made up at this point what their next step is, right?

[Rolilancou]

A marriage vow of "in sickness or health" goes straight to the toilet when situations like these appear. Most people take for granted that their lives are going to be just like when they first met. It's sad people like @khaleesi don't think these things through. When I came to this forum was to look for answers that the man I am with along with his SCI couldn't respond and mostly were what is going on in his head and why is he acting this way or that way and he won't tell me. What goes on the SCI's head is something that we as AB will never get to fully understand. Although it sounds harsh but true, we as the AB loved ones will always be the ones to "give" the physical aspect of our lives but that's our commitment because we are their pillar and support wether is physical or moral and our giving is not forced but willed and we know, that will never go away and what makes it easier is the acceptance of how things are and you both work with that. I might be wasting my time writing this because it's quite obvious @khaleesi has made a decision and I wish her well in her future.

[Spinner]

@Rolilancou, I can honestly say that i am not my husband's "pillar and support" any more than any able bodied wife in an average able bodied couple. My husband needs my support sometimes and I need his sometimes. In reality it all comes out even in the end. His SCI is his to face and deal with; no matter how much I want to or how hard I try, I cannot deal with it for him. Just as he cannot deal with the unique requirements that come with being the able bodied spouse of someone living with a spinal cord injury. Yes, I do give in the physical aspect, and he gives as much as he can physically and pulls more than his weight in many other aspects of our relationship. For instance he is 100% responsible for the financial well-being of our household, no small task. I guess my point is that no matter what the situation, both spouses have to be willing to pull their weight. @Khaleesi should not be expected to sit around and serve a spouse who is unwilling or unable to deal with the issues in the marriage, she has every right to her own life and happiness - even if her husband is living with a spinal cord injury. According to the OP's information this happened nearly four years ago, it seems time for them both to face the new reality of their lives and (as said so brilliantly in The Shawshank Redemption) "either get busy living or get busy dying."

[Rolilancou]

@Spinner, I absolutely agree with you, when I said we the AB are the pillar and support I was tilting to the moral aspect rather than the material. They have their mood swings, they have their frustrations and they have their physical aches and pains once in a while and we are there for them just as they are for us when we need it, so like you said "In reality it all comes out even in the end" . It saddens me though to see there is a marriage that is going to crumble when at the end there is hope if they both put the effort, of course.

[Zack]

Why is his SCI even part of it. He is who he is SCI or Not. Or is he SCI from the neck up? You Two have obvious problems, and your throwing his SCI into it. BS! Misses Ex-Wife I don't know why you posted!

[joye]

My marriage counselor asked me, "If you knew then what you know now, would you still have married your husband?" I wouldn't have done it. This makes me feel like a horrible witch, but it is true.

My hubby is a c3/4 quad incomplete caused by an auto accident where he was t-boned at a high rate of speed.

He now lives the following life:
1. watch tv
2. play world of warcraft
3. lay in bed
4. sleep
5. bowel program, cath
6. take pills especially his oxycodone that he is addicted to
7.ignore me unless he needs food, drink, to be cathed, etc

He literally goes nowhere, does nothing, has no friends, stays in the bedroom all day and night, and isolates himself.
As for sex, I am being forced into a life of celebacy because he can't maintain an erection even on viagra type pills, an injection, and a pump being used. He won't participate in other sexual activities to pleasure me. He simply gives up any activity if he doesn't have an erection.

Anyhow, I am tired of givivg and giving with nothing in return. I deserve affection and attention.

He needs counseling, and if he doesn't go soon, I will have to divorce him.

I have read this post and the replies a few times now, and I agree partly with some and not at all with others. In the list of seven things your spouse now does in his life . . . I can relate to five of those things for sure. I don't know what #2 is and although I pop a roxy in my husband's mouth ever so often, he's definitely not addicted, and #7 happens . . . but, never do I hold this behavior against him. He doesn't mean to ignore me, but he requires me for every aspect of his life and sometimes our conversations only amount to what he wants to drink, eat, watch on TV, etc.

What helps me is to try not to think back to his pre-injury years and ONLY think of the great, remarkable, romantic, adventurous, etc times. Those times did (at times) exist, and they were wonderful; however, if you really think back to everyday life . . . what did your day amount to with each other. In my life with my husband (pre injury) we got home from work discussed things like paying bills, what's for dinner, take out the trash, help the kids with homework, what's on TV, take a shower, get in bed, kiss kiss and say goodnight. Our everyday life now is REALLY not that different. We get up, I get dressed, get him dressed, eat, watch TV, discuss the kids, eat, watch some more TV, pay bills, I clean up, do bowel care, give a shower, take a shower, kiss kiss, goodnight.

I know it is so difficult to think of your life now and relate it to life before his injury . . . but, if you really logically think about it; for the most part life was not a field of roses every single day before (I'm assuming). Life is life and we do what we have to in order to get through each day. I loved the romantic, spontaneous events in our life before his injury . . . but, what I really loved was sitting next to him in our den watching our favorite shows, making him dinner, taking care of our home, taking care of our children, and living life in a realistic everyday way. If I had wanted the exciting, romantic, unrealistic life of a soap opera character, I would have not gotten married. I would have stayed single and dated and lived a different life. But, I'm married . . . I made a vow and I try very hard to look at life as not so different as it was before. I'm comfortable and it isn't a comfort that just came naturally after he was injured . . . I worked at it and once I got to this point, I truly realized my life isn't all that different.

As for intimacy . . . that's a different subject altogether and I will say only this. Intimacy comes in all shapes and sizes. Not everyone is into "other" ways of giving pleasure and that is understandable. Touch is so important. I'm not sure if your husband has use of his arms/hands . . . mine does not and we like to lay together and press our faces together. He is also very sensitive to nice fragrances and we were only able to discover what worked for us because I was willing to take the reins and find our way. Had I not done that . . . he would have never thought to do it. I'm not sure if it's because I am the AB or if it's because I am the woman, but I know we would seriously be lacking in intimacy had I not sought out what worked best for us.

I hope this helps a little. I do wonder one thing . . . Do you still find your husband attractive? That is so important and maybe you could take some time to find that spark and attractiveness you once felt for him. I do not believe chemistry is affected as a result of an SCI. If you've got it, you will always have it.

[tsh3406]

A marriage vow of "in sickness or health" goes straight to the toilet when situations like these appear. Most people take for granted that their lives are going to be just like when they first met. It's sad people like @khaleesi don't think these things through. When I came to this forum was to look for answers that the man I am with along with his SCI couldn't respond and mostly were what is going on in his head and why is he acting this way or that way and he won't tell me. What goes on the SCI's head is something that we as AB will never get to fully understand. Although it sounds harsh but true, we as the AB loved ones will always be the ones to "give" the physical aspect of our lives but that's our commitment because we are their pillar and support wether is physical or moral and our giving is not forced but willed and we know, that will never go away and what makes it easier is the acceptance of how things are and you both work with that. I might be wasting my time writing this because it's quite obvious @khaleesi has made a decision and I wish her well in her future.

Please clarify, "although it sounds harsh but true, we as the AB loved ones will always be the ones to "give" the physical aspect of our lives". I'm gonna have to truck in a whole crew to waive THAT horseshit flag....

[Rolilancou]

Please clarify, "although it sounds harsh but true, we as the AB loved ones will always be the ones to "give" the physical aspect of our lives". I'm gonna have to truck in a whole crew to waive THAT horseshit flag....

Never was my intention to insult or diminish. I think Spinner and joye did obviously a way better job at explaining what I tried to put in words, I do apologize if it came that way, english is not my native language.
In my little experience with my fiance, I am learning every day that whenever he needs something I am his hands and his feet and I move and do things for two people, him and myself (explained physical aspect), my fiance also has very limited movement, I was so used to being hugged and touched before like any other AB relationship and now I'm learning if he doesn't open his arms to hug me it's okay, I'll just reach out, put his ipad away and fill him with hugs myself, he'll complain a little if he's playing an online game but he never says no to hugs and kisses, and our intimacy is not like with an AB like we all know how it is, but it is different and it is wonderful and never it is less or boring. I do all of that because I WANT to do it for him, because I WANT to be a part of him and for that my time is his and my life is his, but that is just me and how I feel, my fiance is my #1 priority over my own and I am happy; yes I do complain sometimes because I get tired from working 50 hours a day and then come home to do the house chores and take care of what ever my fiance needs, but that's our normal day to day life and sometimes I feel unappreciated because he gets frustrated very easily and takes it out on me but I try to put matters in perspective as much as I can and I thank this forum for that. The AB spouses in this forum have no clue of how they’ve helped me get through the difficult times in my learning process.

I can relate to Khaleesi to a certain point, my fiancé does all of what she listed, I've been with my fiance for a couple of years now and I'm still adjusting and trying to work things out here and there with him to buff things out in certain aspects of our relationship just like any other couple going through the 2 year adjustment period. I do understand that there are people out there who would not do what Spinner joye, myself and other AB loved ones do, but that doesn't mean it will not cross my head as saddening that a SCI has to interfere in a marriage and that puts them on the edge of thinking of a divorce.

In my personal opinion I have very strong and very personal conviction about marriage and that involves unconditional commitment, tolerance and compromise for life, What others in this thread said that it’s okay for her to choose her own life if she’s unhappy, sure, It’s easy in a situation where there is no marriage, you can just walk out and disappear if you don’t like what you’re living hence my comment of throwing to the toilet a marriage vow. What’s the point of marrying someone when there is a “condition” or a “but” involved? Not taking a marriage seriously saddens me even between AB couples, but saddens me more when an unexpected circumstance such as a SCI appears, neither of both chose it but that’s just life and life is not perfect so we all have to work around the unexpected what ever it is, SCI or non SCI related.

[tsh3406]

Please clarify, "although it sounds harsh but true, we as the AB loved ones will always be the ones to "give" the physical aspect of our lives". I'm gonna have to truck in a whole crew to waive THAT horseshit flag....

Never was my intention to insult or diminish. I think Spinner and joye did obviously a way better job at explaining what I tried to put in words, I do apologize if it came that way, english is not my native language.
In my little experience with my fiance, I am learning every day that whenever he needs something I am his hands and his feet and I move and do things for two people, him and myself (explained physical aspect), my fiance also has very limited movement, I was so used to being hugged and touched before like any other AB relationship and now I'm learning if he doesn't open his arms to hug me it's okay, I'll just reach out, put his ipad away and fill him with hugs myself, he'll complain a little if he's playing an online game but he never says no to hugs and kisses, and our intimacy is not like with an AB like we all know how it is, but it is different and it is wonderful and never it is less or boring. I do all of that because I WANT to do it for him, because I WANT to be a part of him and for that my time is his and my life is his, but that is just me and how I feel, my fiance is my #1 priority over my own and I am happy; yes I do complain sometimes because I get tired from working 50 hours a day and then come home to do the house chores and take care of what ever my fiance needs, but that's our normal day to day life and sometimes I feel unappreciated because he gets frustrated very easily and takes it out on me but I try to put matters in perspective as much as I can and I thank this forum for that. The AB spouses in this forum have no clue of how they’ve helped me get through the difficult times in my learning process.

I can relate to Khaleesi to a certain point, my fiancé does all of what she listed, I've been with my fiance for a couple of years now and I'm still adjusting and trying to work things out here and there with him to buff things out in certain aspects of our relationship just like any other couple going through the 2 year adjustment period. I do understand that there are people out there who would not do what Spinner joye, myself and other AB loved ones do, but that doesn't mean it will not cross my head as saddening that a SCI has to interfere in a marriage and that puts them on the edge of thinking of a divorce.

In my personal opinion I have very strong and very personal conviction about marriage and that involves unconditional commitment, tolerance and compromise for life, What others in this thread said that it’s okay for her to choose her own life if she’s unhappy, sure, It’s easy in a situation where there is no marriage, you can just walk out and disappear if you don’t like what you’re living hence my comment of throwing to the toilet a marriage vow. What’s the point of marrying someone when there is a “condition” or a “but” involved? Not taking a marriage seriously saddens me even between AB couples, but saddens me more when an unexpected circumstance such as a SCI appears, neither of both chose it but that’s just life and life is not perfect so we all have to work around the unexpected what ever it is, SCI or non SCI related.

No offense taken, I just feel that such broad statements that may perpetuate social attitudes and beliefs are dangerous. While there are some spouses, and my hat off to you, who are the sole physical giver a relationship, there are also those like me on the other end of the spectrum. My girlfriend has a hobby that she earns her fun money with. I work full-time and own my own gunsmithing business. She’s not allowed near my stove, fridge or grill. She has her own SUV but when on a cross country vacation, we take my truck and I drive. We are pretty even about sexual aggression. I could keep going, but my point is that just because a man is in a chair does not mean he hasn’t remained the dominant, more physical partner. A few years ago, a jealous ex told a young lady “don’t come back when his disability check runs out”. She had to hide my keys to keep me from going after him. Anything that leads to people thinking that way just pisses me off. My apologies projected a tone at you.

[dancin' johnny]

Khaleesi, If I were you I'd join up with World of Warcraft and beat his depressed and indulgent soul into submission.

[Tetracyclone]

Khaleesi, If I were you I'd join up with World of Warcraft and beat his depressed and indulgent soul into submission.

Outstanding idea.

[Zack]

Khaleesi, If I were you I'd join up with World of Warcraft and beat his depressed and indulgent soul into submission.

dancin is thinking smart! He'd get sick of the game real fast with a Lady kicking his butt every time, and may wanna do something else. Maybe make love not war.

[lavenderthistle]

I noticed on the side, his injury is listed as ASIA D. I may be speaking from a place of personal ignorance....but I'm an ASIA D C6 and I walk most days, I do most everything for myself. Does your husband need counseling, does he need physical therapy or are you possibly enabling him and now you resent the monster baby you have created?

Again...I am often noted for foot in mouth disease....but....something has to give...if he's as incapable of doing anything as you paint him to be, how can he even play World of War Craft?

Edited by lavenderthistle, 23 May 2012 - 08:55 PM.

[Sarina]

Rolilancou, I totally agree with your first post and the sentiments you expressed.

I married my husband nearly 3 years ago. He was injured in an accident at 20 years old, is a wheelchair-bound C5-C6 quad. It has been difficult, very difficult sometimes. But I read somewhere before I got married "If you don't think you want to be married to some who is disabled, then marry someone who is not disabled, and wait 50 or 60 years...then you will be married to someone who is disabled."

We will each have our turn to be in this passenger seat - or the disabled seat, I should call it. How we treat people now determines the care and treatment we ourselves will receive once the tables are turned. To say that you would not have married someone if you knew that they would suffer something like this really doesn't make sense, because it's like saying you expected a "teflon" spouse, or that you expected to marry someone who would never suffer a job loss, or family problems, or health issues or some other crisis.

I really don't think we, as the healthy partner, can ever fully understand the pain, the frustration and the fear that a disabled person has to battle with on a daily basis. Yes, we have our own struggles, but I truly believe if we could spend just one day in the bodies and the minds of our disabled spouses, we would realize that our struggles pale in comparison to theirs.

When you marry someone, those vows "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" are supposed to mean something, and they apply speficially to these times and situations. Unfortunately, not enough people seem to understand or care about sticking with it through the hard times. Like my mom said to me once "When the going gets tough...the "tough" get going."

[Dunraven]

I can so relate to khaleesi. My marriage is pretty much gone. Our lives revolve around his SCI; I feel like a damn servant, and one that is belittled by him and his family. Unfortunately, my husband is not the independent type. I read about how independent so many SCI patients are and I look at my husband and think he isn't even trying. He's a T11, he should be able to do most things himself. Admittedly, our house is no where near wheelchair friendly, but why do I have to nag to get him to roll over in bed, remind him to take meds or cath or take care of a pressure sore? These are things he could and should be doing on his own.

And the pain medications? Don't get me started. I know where it's going; don't like it and can't stop it. Woo-Hoo.

[tsh3406]

Rolilancou, I totally agree with your first post and the sentiments you expressed.

I married my husband nearly 3 years ago. He was injured in an accident at 20 years old, is a wheelchair-bound C5-C6 quad. It has been difficult, very difficult sometimes. But I read somewhere before I got married "If you don't think you want to be married to some who is disabled, then marry someone who is not disabled, and wait 50 or 60 years...then you will be married to someone who is disabled."

We will each have our turn to be in this passenger seat - or the disabled seat, I should call it. How we treat people now determines the care and treatment we ourselves will receive once the tables are turned. To say that you would not have married someone if you knew that they would suffer something like this really doesn't make sense, because it's like saying you expected a "teflon" spouse, or that you expected to marry someone who would never suffer a job loss, or family problems, or health issues or some other crisis.

I really don't think we, as the healthy partner, can ever fully understand the pain, the frustration and the fear that a disabled person has to battle with on a daily basis. Yes, we have our own struggles, but I truly believe if we could spend just one day in the bodies and the minds of our disabled spouses, we would realize that our struggles pale in comparison to theirs.

When you marry someone, those vows "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" are supposed to mean something, and they apply speficially to these times and situations. Unfortunately, not enough people seem to understand or care about sticking with it through the hard times. Like my mom said to me once "When the going gets tough...the "tough" get going."

I REALLY think folks need to stop speaking for the entire AB population in this thread. "We, as the healthy partner"? Lmao. Please, for the love of GOD, stop implying that ALL us poor cripples are sickly and unhealthy. We don't need THAT stereotype to have to overcome as well.

[Tetracyclone]

What! Tim! You are not struggling with Pain, Frustration, and Fear on a daily basis?



Lovely caretaking ladies, forgive us our intrusions into your thread. We are know-it-all gimps who think their thoughts are the tears of God.

[tsh3406]

What! Tim! You are not struggling with Pain, Frustration, and Fear on a daily basis?



Lovely caretaking ladies, forgive us our intrusions into your thread. We are know-it-all gimps who think their thoughts are the tears of God.

NO! I'm NOT! lmao.... but I'm starting to see why everyone thinks I should be, lol

[Rolilancou]

I can so relate to khaleesi. My marriage is pretty much gone. Our lives revolve around his SCI; I feel like a damn servant, and one that is belittled by him and his family. Unfortunately, my husband is not the independent type. I read about how independent so many SCI patients are and I look at my husband and think he isn't even trying. He's a T11, he should be able to do most things himself. Admittedly, our house is no where near wheelchair friendly, but why do I have to nag to get him to roll over in bed, remind him to take meds or cath or take care of a pressure sore? These are things he could and should be doing on his own.

And the pain medications? Don't get me started. I know where it's going; don't like it and can't stop it. Woo-Hoo.

There are a few things you as a couple will be able to fix for the benefit of both, but, there will be others that you personally won't be able to change at all and you'll either have to work with it or around it or just accept that things are that way, or simply turn around and leave. Don't expect just because there are many members of this forum with higher SCI levels say they can or are willing to do things your husband can't or don't want to do, mean, that is how things should be. At the end like many people here have said, the injury levels and the personality of each individual are different so you can't expect more than what you're dealing with. If you know your husband can do many things because he's done it, you've seen it but he just doesn't want to do it then like I've read here there's something called tough love and it's up to you to make him understand he can't play the cripple card on you. Additionally, to recover strength after an SCI is harder and it takes TIME, perseverence and will to improve his and your quality of life.

On another note, when I'm posting a comment on a thread I am speaking on my personal experience, I appreciate and admire those with the same injury level as my fiance or higher that can achieve a very independent life and are successful business people and are living a very healthy life, but then there are the rest of us who don't have a healthy SCI spouse to live with and we deal and strugle on a daily basis with physical pain so bad sometimes they can hardly breathe and don't want to be moved, and on top of that having to deal with their temper ...every day, such is my case, and I'm pretty sure Im not the only one. So I can't mask something I haven't lived, and I can't speak for the healthy ones because I don't know any, I don't know what it is like to live with a healthy SCI. The only one I can talk about is the one I have at home. And probably I can help a little to deal with this part of the SCI life just like I have received help here from other spouses with similar lives as mine.

[Tetracyclone]

I can so relate to khaleesi. My marriage is pretty much gone. Our lives revolve around his SCI; I feel like a damn servant, and one that is belittled by him and his family. Unfortunately, my husband is not the independent type. I read about how independent so many SCI patients are and I look at my husband and think he isn't even trying. He's a T11, he should be able to do most things himself. Admittedly, our house is no where near wheelchair friendly, but why do I have to nag to get him to roll over in bed, remind him to take meds or cath or take care of a pressure sore? These are things he could and should be doing on his own.

And the pain medications? Don't get me started. I know where it's going; don't like it and can't stop it. Woo-Hoo.

I don't know what it is like to live with a healthy SCI. The only one I can talk about is the one I have at home. And probably I can help a little to deal with this part of the SCI life just like I have received help here from other spouses with similar lives as mine.

Heard. Understood. I pray you find health.

[Ava~]

I can so relate to khaleesi. My marriage is pretty much gone. Our lives revolve around his SCI; I feel like a damn servant, and one that is belittled by him and his family. Unfortunately, my husband is not the independent type. I read about how independent so many SCI patients are and I look at my husband and think he isn't even trying. He's a T11, he should be able to do most things himself. Admittedly, our house is no where near wheelchair friendly, but why do I have to nag to get him to roll over in bed, remind him to take meds or cath or take care of a pressure sore? These are things he could and should be doing on his own.

And the pain medications? Don't get me started. I know where it's going; don't like it and can't stop it. Woo-Hoo.

that is sad, that he isn't doing anything for himself...but its only been a few months right?...with time maybe he will change. Did u ever consider not doing any of it for him. hate to sound mean but he is man, a man makes his own way in this world...tough love could do a world of good...t-11...he could do it all for himself couldn't he, my friend is a t-6 and he gets help from no one, cooks, cleans, drives, owned and operated a business, races cars , but much of that was when he wasn't in so much pain....sorry ur having such a rough go of it...take care

[edlee]

Why bother,, Kaleesi joined,, dropped a bomb,, and left. It was so abrupt, that I am forced to consider the possibility of it actually being a ruse. That some one,, already a member,,, chose to enter incognito, in order to "test the waters" on a subject they feel strongly about,, but don't want associated with their real identity.

Maybe,, if she comes back to talk about it,, we might find out I'm wrong, I just hate "drive by" posting.
ed

[wheeliebear75]

Must say I have to agree with Ed on the "driveby-postings".

[Dunraven]

I can so relate to khaleesi. My marriage is pretty much gone. Our lives revolve around his SCI; I feel like a damn servant, and one that is belittled by him and his family. Unfortunately, my husband is not the independent type. I read about how independent so many SCI patients are and I look at my husband and think he isn't even trying. He's a T11, he should be able to do most things himself. Admittedly, our house is no where near wheelchair friendly, but why do I have to nag to get him to roll over in bed, remind him to take meds or cath or take care of a pressure sore? These are things he could and should be doing on his own.

And the pain medications? Don't get me started. I know where it's going; don't like it and can't stop it. Woo-Hoo.

that is sad, that he isn't doing anything for himself...but its only been a few months right?...with time maybe he will change. Did u ever consider not doing any of it for him. hate to sound mean but he is man, a man makes his own way in this world...tough love could do a world of good...t-11...he could do it all for himself couldn't he, my friend is a t-6 and he gets help from no one, cooks, cleans, drives, owned and operated a business, races cars , but much of that was when he wasn't in so much pain....sorry ur having such a rough go of it...take care

It's not that he isn't doing anything for himself. He does try (Should have seen him trying to vacumn with a loaner power chair). As I said in another post, his weight is a big issue. I do understand that a 40 something man who's overweight, recently paralyzed and has major pain issues is not going to have the dexterity and physical independence of someone younger with years of SCI experience.

What I hate most is having to nag him to roll over in bed or to check that he isn't lying on the remote or another hard object, or tell him not to wear the same damn shoes that gave him the pressure sore or many other little things that he ought to take responsibility for. I hate to nag, but I find myself having to constantly remind him to do things he needs to do to avoid health issues. I've told him I hate it and he assures me that I'm not a nag and he appreciates it, but he doesn't change his behavior. Do I stop reminding him of stuff and have him develop pressure sores and other complications? That's not going to make my life easier. I just don't know.

And I'm sorry, but I dislike the attitue of some that "for better or worse" means I accept any behavior and if I don't, I'm somehow wrong. Yes an SCI is a major obstacle, but all I'm asking for is a little personal responsibilty.