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#1 Apparelyzed

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 01:11 PM

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

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Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

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Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

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Please be advised that your Optirectomy operation is scheduled for 8:00 a.m.

The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and, hopefully, get rid of your s***ty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.

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Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"

The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

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A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

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A young doctor had moved into a small town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids"

The town fathers were greatly upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

"Queers & Rears"

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor finally came up with an acceptable sign:

"Odds & Ends"

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The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."

"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants."

"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized."

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A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

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Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

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Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

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The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."

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One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

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:lol: :( :mfrlol:

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#2 enigma

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 02:57 PM

An embarrassed paraplegic goes to see his doctor after several frustrating nights with his wife. “I have a sexual problem, doc, I can’t get it up for my wife anymore,” he mumbles. "I think I may need Viagra or something."

The doctor replies, “Don't get ahead of yourself Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried man returns with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor takes the husband aside and says, “You’re in perfect health. Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

#3 enigma

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 03:26 PM

:lol: after several atempts at bowel managment sudenly realised that i was doing something wrong
think i need serious help
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#4 htwhlz97

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 03:31 PM

:( That is great!!! Didnt they tell you need your hands not your head :lol:

#5 htwhlz97

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 03:33 PM

You are definetly in a comical mood today. what else you got?

#6 Apparelyzed

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 03:52 PM

Toonz :lol:

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doctor_internet.jpg

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#7 Avocado Baby

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 07:32 PM

:lol: :( Brilliant!!
Paraplegic with Spina Bifida. Sensory and function level is T8. T11-L5 fusion 1993. Laminectomy and decompression T10 2006. Spinal fusion T8-T12 with instrumentation Feb 2007. Moderate kyphoscoliosis. Taking 75mg Lyrica 3xday for neuropathic pain.

#8 bigsmiles

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Posted 24 August 2006 - 07:50 PM

:lol: Great stuff.....more more more
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent....Eleanor Roosevelt.

#9 LadyPilot

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Posted 25 August 2006 - 09:57 PM

I_said_heart_not_fart.jpg Stay_healthy.jpg kerm1.jpg ]These are the cleanest ones I have to share :)
If you don't want to die, your life still has meaning.

#10 John Anderson

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 02:13 AM

This didn't happen to me but my dad's friend is a vietnam vet and was getting an open heart surgery. Before that, he found out that the surgeon's name was Dr. Error.

My dad's friend was amazed, didn't know to laugh or cry, "Wow, what a name eh?" he said to the surgeon.
The surgeon replied...."Yea, imagine the faces I get when I was a Major."


:D :angry:
- 18 year old
- High School SENIOR!!!
- T5 complete
- Everything else, ask.

Have you thank a veteran for your freedom?

#11 lynne

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Posted 28 August 2006 - 09:53 AM

Here's one for a Monday morning!!!

Couple trying to start a family. She says Billy I'll go for the IVF treatment, he says "no way Mary, if I can't do it myself don't involve the paramilitaries!!!!


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