43 replies to this topic

[Hornedquad]

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Edited by Hornedquad, 08 July 2012 - 05:56 AM.

[Tetracyclone]

Welcome to a group where everyone is shameless!

[Hornedquad]

.....

Edited by Hornedquad, 08 July 2012 - 05:58 AM.

[Ches]

Am I missing something here?

[Tetracyclone]

Am I missing something here?

For some unknown reason the guy delete his posts the day after opening this thread.

[steelchariot]

Too bad, I'd really like to hear comments on this discussion…

[Ches]

So ..get it started Steelchariot!

[steelchariot]

Well, I don't exactly have any children so… But it's something I've wondered about often.

[Hornedquad]

@SteelChariot , being a Husband & Dad of 3 girlies was probably the scariest prospect I faced when I first woke up as a quad. In the 5 years since it has ironically become the ‘best’ thing about being a quad. Since I can’t work anymore I get to spend every day with them. They have all taught me how there is so much more to being a husband and a parent then all the physical stuff. It’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever experienced. My wife & I meet SCI parents/spouses all the time who are scared shitless of how their relationships with their children or spouse are going to change post injury and all the other questions that go along with being a new SCI. If I was filthy rich I’d like to give em all a fat check to help em with anything they want to help them make their lives a bit easier. Money isn’t everything but being eventually broke & bankrupt are unfortunately very common with this “new” life. Since I’m not though I thought I’d write a book documenting my experiences in the hopes it might give a bit of hope to somebody who’s in the spot I was. So that’s where I’m coming from.

I actually deleted the original post because over on the CareCure site I was told to “Stop trying to sell your book on this site or you’ll be banned permanently.” I didn't want to get jumped on here too on Apparelyzed because the LAST thing I want to do is come across as a creep with the hidden agenda of trying to pimp his book off to the SCI masses. I also reposted the original message in a few different forums because the subject matter falls under multiple categories (Life, Exercise/Recovery, New SCI, Family, SCI Parenting etc) I get the website user policies are in place to prevent fraudulence & spamming & by doing duplicate posts of basically the same message, with different titles most likely violates one of them so I didn’t wanna get banned here too. I’m not trying to spam the site but in all honesty I’d like to reach as many SCI affected people as possible. When I think of all the help I’ve had in the past 5 years & where it’s brought me I would sincerely like to be able to pay it forward by helping someone else who might be where my family & I once were after my accident.

(Sorry for the extended-dance-mix-post but I have a big mouth!)

My original post is pasted below… :

Howdy Everyone! I apologize for the repost if you’ve already read this… I’m coming up on 5 years since my accident on August 8th. A lot has happened since I came in for a landing in this chair, both good and bad… (more good though!) One of my proudest accomplishments during this time aside from repeatedly proving the doctors wrong is that I have written a book about my accident & my recovery so far. I’m a Quad now but more importantly I’m a Husband & a Father. If my wife Keleigh & I would have read a book like mine back in the beginning when I was in the hospital (& even after I got out) it probably would have made a world of difference. I’ve no aspirations of becoming a millionaire through book sales, but if it gives a little light or hope to even just one person who is newly injured or feeling "lost" like we were then it's more than worth the effort of writing it. Especially a parent who's scared to death wondering how their relationship with their kids is going to change post injury. These are the main reasons I wrote it. Anyhoo, it’s titled ACROSS THE STREET FROM HELL. I have had it published through Amazon & it’s available to order now through my E-store, Amazon & Amazon Europe, so I’m shamelessly plugging it wherever I can… For anyone or anyone whose family has been affected by Spinal Cord Injury (basically everyone on this website) it’s a pretty good read if I may say so myself… ;)

Cheers to all my S.C.I. friends across the planet & my Project Walk Family… I LOVE YOU GUYS BADD!! Thanx In Advance for your support!!

Edited by Hornedquad, 12 July 2012 - 04:06 AM.

[Tetracyclone]

Mark-
people sell stuff here. It is ok. The moderators ferret out spam sellers and ban them. You are welcome here, I think, and there may be some who read your book.

[steelchariot]

If you put in the hard work in getting a book published then I guess you're entitled to getting the word out. The questions I've always had in my mind is the physical part as you mentioned. Would it be heartbreaking as a quadriplegic not being able to pick your child up, play with them, help them when they need help etc… Also, not being able to discipline a child when needed and how they respond to you knowing that you're physically limited. There's probably so many day-to-day things like this which I think would be hard but I'm glad you've been able to make it work as I'm sure many other people have.

[Hornedquad]

Mark-
people sell stuff here. It is ok. The moderators ferret out spam sellers and ban them. You are welcome here, I think, and there may be some who read your book.

If you put in the hard work in getting a book published then I guess you're entitled to getting the word out. The questions I've always had in my mind is the physical part as you mentioned. Would it be heartbreaking as a quadriplegic not being able to pick your child up, play with them, help them when they need help etc… Also, not being able to discipline a child when needed and how they respond to you knowing that you're physically limited. There's probably so many day-to-day things like this which I think would be hard but I'm glad you've been able to make it work as I'm sure many other people have.

Thanks Guys,

@SteelChariot: Yeah every one of those things went through my head when I first got injured. I naturally zeroed in on all the things I wouldn’t be able to do anymore with them. 5 years later, I still have those days where I do. In general though, and for the most part, I come at it a lot differently now. I realize that even if I were 100% able bodied I could still easily find things I’d like to do for my wife and daughters that weren’t immediately possible. I had zero movement back then though so not being able to hold my newborn daughter was really hard to deal with. I got quite a bit of upper body/arm return since so while I still can’t actually pick them up I can give good strong hugs again which was a HUGE accomplishment & does wonders for my mental state.

My girls are all still fairly young (11, 6 & 4yrs old) so only my oldest really remembers the “old” me before my accident. They’re pretty happy & as far as my wife & I can tell they don’t seem to feel like they’re missing out on anything since I can’t do the physical stuff. I can’t help but think it would be much different if I had boys though. Dance recitals & plays & going to the movies is doable for me but if I couldn’t play catch or wrestle or teach my son how to ride & build motorcycles it would kill me.

The discipline aspect is a slightly haunting concern though because they’ve always been very well behaved but I have visions of a mutiny where they finally tire of my voice and just wheel me into the closet and shut the door! I also gotta be careful not to piss my wife off either cuz I wouldn’t blame her if she did it too (Heh heh) In the end I’m the only male in the house (even all our 5 pets are girls) so I’ve learned to be a good boy and behave myself, or else! ;)

[Tetracyclone]

Thanks Guys,

I can’t help but think it would be much different if I had boys though. Dance recitals & plays & going to the movies is doable for me but if I couldn’t play catch or wrestle or teach my son how to ride & build motorcycles it would kill me.
You would get over it like you have worked through other male identity changes. I guess you would just have to clean another stereotype out of the old mental closet.

There was a young man on these forums a few years back whose dad had been a quad most or all of his life. He was fiercely loyal to his dad and deeply appreciative of his upbringing. With parents the key is who you are and how you think, not how tall you stand.


The discipline aspect is a slightly haunting concern though because they’ve always been very well behaved but I have visions of a mutiny where they finally tire of my voice and just wheel me into the closet and shut the door! I also gotta be careful not to piss my wife off either cuz I wouldn’t blame her if she did it too (Heh heh) In the end I’m the only male in the house (even all our 5 pets are girls) so I’ve learned to be a good boy and behave myself, or else! ;)

There are some excellent discussions of discipline in the "Parents in Wheelchairs" subforum. Take a cruise through there sometime. This forum holds a kings ransom in information from threads dating back 8 or 9 years at the max. And you don't have to buy the book!

[Hornedquad]

Thanks Guys,

I can’t help but think it would be much different if I had boys though. Dance recitals & plays & going to the movies is doable for me but if I couldn’t play catch or wrestle or teach my son how to ride & build motorcycles it would kill me.
You would get over it like you have worked through other male identity changes. I guess you would just have to clean another stereotype out of the old mental closet.

There was a young man on these forums a few years back whose dad had been a quad most or all of his life. He was fiercely loyal to his dad and deeply appreciative of his upbringing. With parents the key is who you are and how you think, not how tall you stand.

Yeah I thnk ultimately my son would probably be great just as my daughters are. I guess maybe for selfish reasons I wonder how I'd handle it though. I've pretty much mastered the art of letting the bad thoughts bounce off my back for the last 5 years since my injury so I've been able to remain positive and happy. (Having my wife and girls around have made this a lot easier of course!) There are still times that it bums me out a little when I see my friends going out on motorcycle runs and I'm not there with them. A couple of my good friends have young sons who are just starting to get into all that stuff and it makes me even more convinced of how hard it would be to deal with. I remember a nurse telling me in the hospital how close her son and her husband (who is in a chair) were. It definately made me feel better. And she was right because my daughters are closer than ever.


The discipline aspect is a slightly haunting concern though because they’ve always been very well behaved but I have visions of a mutiny where they finally tire of my voice and just wheel me into the closet and shut the door! I also gotta be careful not to piss my wife off either cuz I wouldn’t blame her if she did it too (Heh heh) In the end I’m the only male in the house (even all our 5 pets are girls) so I’ve learned to be a good boy and behave myself, or else! ;)

There are some excellent discussions of discipline in the "Parents in Wheelchairs" subforum. Take a cruise through there sometime. This forum holds a kings ransom in information from threads dating back 8 or 9 years at the max. And you don't have to buy the book!

The parenting thing has actually been one of the easier aspects of my injury. I think patience has always been a struggle for me its an even bigger one now during my recovery.

[picasso11]

Hi,

I'm new here and this is actually my first post. I have an eight year old son and I struggle with the over whelming weight of
guilt every moment of my life. I day dream constantly about everything I would do with him physically if I was not injured. I
hear of fathers that are perfectly healthy and ignore their kids while I would do absolutely anything to throw a ball, go fishing
or ride a bike with my son. I think about how much closer our relationship could be. I live with the guilt of denying him of these
experiences and the pain and loss of not being able to experience these things myself. After 14 years of marriage my wife and
I separating because she can no longer deal with the chair and actually said I would be a perfect husband if not for my disability.
She routinely reminds me of all the things her and my son miss out on because of my disability and now goes out of her way to take
my son out without me. So sorry to vent but thank you so much for being there.

[MrBump]

Nice lady.........

[Tetracyclone]

Hi,
After 14 years of marriage my wife and
I separating because she can no longer deal with the chair and actually said I would be a perfect husband if not for my disability.
She routinely reminds me of all the things her and my son miss out on because of my disability and now goes out of her way to take
my son out without me. So sorry to vent but thank you so much for being there.

So, Picasso, did your wifeX always lie a lot? You must have been already been in a chair when you married, so her explanation is completely ingenuous. She also seems hell-bent to hurt you.

I suggest you find a counselor to vent to so you can get an outside perspective. Do offer us a fuller explanation of how this came about. How old is your son?

Meanwhile, talk to us here as much as you like. A lot of people here will understand.

[picasso11]

Thanks so much,

Sorry to be such a downer as I'm usually a very positive, glass half full person. As a back ground on our relationship she helps me out around 15 min in the morning
and 15 min in the evening. I do 90% of all the house work, cooking and paying bills. I work from home and have 3 B.S. degrees in business and a MBA that I earned
after my accident so I am by no means lazy or on the pitty party train. Of course now I'm feeling sorry for myself and my view of the situation is probably quite one
sided although I try to be as empethetic as possible to her side. She actually has a lot of great qualities and we normally get along great but now she wants her freedom
from the realities of living within the constraints of someone in a chair. All she wants to do now is anything that I'm not able to as she said I just sit there. She wants a
guy that can hug her standing up or intimacy is more simple, spontaneos and lets say creative without getting graphic. I can't blame her for this as I crave the same things
and there is nothing I can do about it.

[Tetracyclone]

I still don't buy it. It sounds to me like your average mid-life crisis and she is trying to pin it all on you. People sometimes just feel hemmed in. Some breaker flips and they have to escape. Granted, it is easy enough to envy the AB population, and that is where the mind first roams to explain this need to escape, but this does not mean that your disability is the true reason she wants to leave.

She just wants to leave. People often do not truly know why the do what they do. I believe you when you say she is a great person in many ways, but with the perspective of an outsider, I also see that she is framing her problem in a way that blames you and causes you great pain.

Yes, she wants her freedom, but your chair is not the fundamental reason. She feels constrained by marriage and wants a new, exciting life. She is involving your son in this interpretation in order to feel justified. Try to get her to go to a counselor with you. Someone needs to help her say, "I just want out", because by blaming it on you and your chair she is not being honest with herself.

She has chosen the one explanation that makes it impossible for you to see straight.

At least consider what I am saying: This is not about you and your chair. It is about her feeling trapped in HER life.

Edited by Tetracyclone, 30 July 2012 - 05:56 PM.

[picasso11]

Wow...What incredible insight. Thanks. I think the hard part for me to deal with is that her life is greatly defined by my disability
in her eyes. When her family/friends talk about all the things they do with their husbands including walks on a beach holding hands
to crazy wild sex she feels she is missing out on that aspect of being married. When her friends tell her about all the things their
husbands do with their kids that I can't she resents me for it. When she met me she had nothing. No education no job. While every single
person in her family has accomplished nothing she is now a controller in a mid size company making more money then she could have
ever imagined just 10 years ago. She is from the Ukraine and spoke broken English when she met me and now she is more successful
then any member of her family or childhood friends. Through the years I've tried to support her as much as I could while I feel that her
negativity slowly drained my energy. She told me straight to my face it's not my personality but my disabilty. That she sees me at my weakest
and so it's hard to see me as a man or a husband. I've been told these things now so many times I just feel numb inside. It's hard knowing you are
causing great pain to the people you love most in your life but no matter how hard you try or what you do there is nothing you can change. She makes
me feel guilty just for existing. Whoever reads this please don't let it bring you down as my situation is only one out of many many positive, beautiful,
relationships. As time passes I know we will both be able to look into our relationship with a wiser insight when the closeness to the pain has weakened
and a greater appreciation of who we are on the inside will be more clearly recognised. cheers/...

[nomis]

Without taking anything away from what Tetra has said, my attention is drawn to how you are feeling about yourself and the stories you are telling yourself.

All you say rings true and I identify with it from my own experiences, some safely distanced by time. As Tetra said, your wife is blaming you when it's not you to blame. Your injury is a 'situation', it's not something you chose, bought or insisted on having. And it is not something you can discard. It is something that has happened like a cloud appearing in the sky.

There are repercussions from the injury that you do not like and it's mostly those same aspects which your wife does not like. You share a sadness.

It sounds to me that your wife has a fixed fantasy of what a man should be rather than allowing herself to relate and get closer. If so, that is sad, too. From what you write, you're a motivated, intelligent person who has proven success. Your body may now be weak but you obviously have many valuable skills and strengths and the potential to further develop those plus add new ones.

The cold hard facts are that maybe it is time for your wife to move on which may turn out a good or bad thing for her. Likewise, the change may be good or bad for you. What does it mean if she decides to stay but treats you as a weak cripple? As Tetra said, your marriage needs counselling.

Edited by nomis, 31 July 2012 - 12:41 AM.

[picasso11]

Thanks Nomis. Your words have a lot of truth to them and help a lot. I just feel so bad that my 8 yr old son has
to go through this. He looses biggest out of all of us and it breaks my heart.

[trickyvic3]

Picasso,
My grandson was 10 when my son got hurt. His mother divorced my son a few months after his accident before we even got him home.
Children are smarter than some give them credit for. My grandson moved in with us as soon as he turned 16 stating that he has no use for her as a mother or a parent. Very bitter as you can tell I explaned to him that some people just can't handle it, and that it doesn't make her a bad person.

His reply to me was, but grampa she never even tried to give it a chance after being married to my dad for 15ys.
To that I had no come back, because deep down I felt the exact same way. Anyways, he now lives with us and his dad and is turning out to be a wonderful adult as he matures . His dad and him have a great relationship and love for each other.

I hope you can save your marrage I truly do, as I know what divorce did to my son and how it effected him to this day.
Unfortunally your story is not uncommon with SCI , but in the few days I've been a member here I find many true love stories as well
Very uplifting !!.

As mentioned above, to me it sounds like she's using you as a scape goat when the real problem is HER life and not yours. Hopefuly you can talk this out, and get her TRUE feelings on the table and work from there.
Best of luck to you my friend and we will prey everything turns out well for you.

Vic

Edited by trickyvic3, 31 July 2012 - 10:44 PM.

[nomis]

Thanks Nomis. Your words have a lot of truth to them and help a lot. I just feel so bad that my 8 yr old son has
to go through this. He looses biggest out of all of us and it breaks my heart.

My heart goes out to you, Picasso11. Whatever happens, always be there for your son - that's a true quality of strength and will reward you both.
Remember, you can always touch base with us here on the forum.

[MrBump]

Picasso, for what it's worth, I am going through the exact same thing.
We've been together for 12 and have a 5 yr old daughter, along with having a business together although I run 90% of it.
I too am feeling devastated, but as time goes on I seem to get more support and understanding where at the beginning I received nothing.
I've just had to focus more on my daughter plus business, and although I feel lonely and have my down days, atleast I have some things to focus on where many don't.
I can't complain."...................too much.

[picasso11]

Thanks guys,

Your thoughts and words are so appreciated. I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well MrBump. Are you going
to be keeping your daughter?

[MrBump]

Well if keeping means seeing her, then yes. I have her 2 days a week.

[picasso11]

Man that's rough but those two days I bet are just great. I dread that when my son will be with my wife a lot of the
time there won't be a good male role model. I've always been the one that focused on homework, studying for tests,
chores and trying to instill strong values, morals and work ethic and having a structured life that gives my son stability.
I'm afraid....no make that terrified that she won't do this based on past behaviors of excessive shopping as in 80 pairs
of shoes and enough clothing to stock a small Macy's and always wanting to be the fun best buddy parent. She just asked
me how I would feel if they ever went camping with another guy. The thought of another man doing the things with my
son that I desparately crave but can't is pure torture. Now I'm bummed...o.k. happy thoughts.

[Tetracyclone]

Seek full custody?

[Spinner]

Wow...What incredible insight. Thanks. I think the hard part for me to deal with is that her life is greatly defined by my disability
in her eyes. When her family/friends talk about all the things they do with their husbands including walks on a beach holding hands
to crazy wild sex she feels she is missing out on that aspect of being married. When her friends tell her about all the things their
husbands do with their kids that I can't she resents me for it. When she met me she had nothing. No education no job. While every single
person in her family has accomplished nothing she is now a controller in a mid size company making more money then she could have
ever imagined just 10 years ago. She is from the Ukraine and spoke broken English when she met me and now she is more successful
then any member of her family or childhood friends. Through the years I've tried to support her as much as I could while I feel that her
negativity slowly drained my energy. She told me straight to my face it's not my personality but my disabilty. That she sees me at my weakest
and so it's hard to see me as a man or a husband. I've been told these things now so many times I just feel numb inside. It's hard knowing you are
causing great pain to the people you love most in your life but no matter how hard you try or what you do there is nothing you can change. She makes
me feel guilty just for existing. Whoever reads this please don't let it bring you down as my situation is only one out of many many positive, beautiful,
relationships. As time passes I know we will both be able to look into our relationship with a wiser insight when the closeness to the pain has weakened
and a greater appreciation of who we are on the inside will be more clearly recognised. cheers/...

It sounds to me as though not only has she defined herself by your disability, but that you are defining yourself based on her perception of your disability. I think @Nomis hits the nail on the head here, you have plenty left to give along with the ability and motivation to get things done. The thing is, it all begins with you coming to terms with your disability and regaining your own confidence. This woman being around is not what made you capable of getting those degrees and accomplishing all you have. You accomplished those things and with or without her there is plenty more for you to get done.

The end of any relationship is difficult, even more so when children are involved. It is easy to blame yourself here, and it isn't helping that she doesn't seem to be holding back and is saying this is 100% because of your disability. So what if it is? Seriously if that is the truth good riddance to her. There are plenty of women out there for whom that isn't an issue and that is the type of woman you belong with. If she truthfully says that she can't deal then the reality is that - even though it doesn't feel that way now - you really will be better off without her. The last thing anyone needs is to be constantly exposed to an energy vampire who saps their self-esteem at every turn.

Your first priority now should be working on yourself, healing and trying to be the best you can for you and for your son. Try not to give much attention to what she is saying because really, that is a reflection of her issues and only has the meaning you give it.

Seek full custody?

Stranger things have happened! My husband had full custody of all three of his kids. He fought for custody and was awarded full custody while in a chair. We are in a very traditional state where mom's rights always come first, but with lots of time and effort he got it done. I suggest that you request custody as part of the initial divorce decree and parenting plan.

Hang in there @Picasso11, while things may look very bleak right now, keep moving forward, keep working on yourself and your own mental health, and eventually you will get to the other side and find a place to feel happy again.