8 replies to this topic

[ruth]

 aisling, on Sep 3 2006, 02:13 PM, said:

hi everyone my son just started school but when he came home hes dad asked him how it was and he said all my friends dads can walk but you cant. my partner is a quad and my sons five. hes teacher told me he gets upset sumetimes when everyone talks about thier dads and how they where playin and my son just cryed so when he came home from school i asked him why he said he wants hes dad to play with him. just want to know do others have this pormble with thier kids

Hi

When my eldest started school, she was suddenly very aware of my chair. I think up to that point she just assumed all Mums were in wheelchairs, and she did get quite sensitive of my limitations. I dont think it upset her that much, but I did (and still do) get asked 'why cant you take us swimming?' etc .Obviously I cant manage a 3 year old (who can barely swim) and an 8 year old on my own in a swimming pool and the other nearly impossible outings she suggests.

Perhaps explain to your son that his Dad cant do a lot of things the other Dads can do (but some may not choose to do?), but he does ..... instead, which is something the other Dads dont do (eg does your husband read to your son?). You didnt mention what level your husband is, but would he be able to play board games with your son (eg snakes and ladders)? If so, perhaps he should so your son can feel he has something to include in the conversations at school? Perhaps also point out to your son that OK Dad might not play football in the garden with him, but perhaps you (or Grandad or whoever) do instead?

I would also explain that not everyone does the same things (like my Dad never played football with me, coz he hates football!).

Perhaps he is just a little stressed about starting school and this what he has focused on... or perhaps your husband could play with your son a bit more (or both)?

[georgie]

 aisling, on Sep 3 2006, 02:13 PM, said:

hi everyone my son just started school but when he came home hes dad asked him how it was and he said all my friends dads can walk but you cant. my partner is a quad and my sons five. hes teacher told me he gets upset sumetimes when everyone talks about thier dads and how they where playin and my son just cryed so when he came home from school i asked him why he said he wants hes dad to play with him. just want to know do others have this pormble with thier kids

Hi

I'm sorry to hear that your son is upset over his dad's inability to walk.

My son is 4 and has also just started school. He was too young to remember when Dad was able-bodied. However, my daughter was 4 at the time of my hubby's illness and she too, used to come home crying. The way I handled it was to say that it is okay to be different. In today's society, you can be frowned upon if you are different but I use it as a positive message. I have used this in many conversations with her as she loves to read books but very few of her friends do so it encourages her to keep reading!

Perhaps Dad could be encouraged to do something with your son that you don't. In this way, it helps to make Dad more special in your son's eyes as it is just for him. It doesn't matter what it is but he will have Dad's sole attention. Maybe reading or homework?

Keep smiling! xx

[rkzenrage]

My son is having a very hard time with my illness. He keeps kissing me and asking "all better?". It is heart wrenching.
I try to keep him from me when I am in a lot of pain, but there is just no way for him to never see it. He is becoming aware that the chair is different. At three, so far that is not a big deal, but not being there as much as I want and him wanting me to be well is frustrating for him. He is having behavioral problems at school and I blame myself.

[Joed]

 rkzenrage, on Oct 12 2006, 10:03 PM, said:

My son is having a very hard time with my illness. He keeps kissing me and asking "all better?". It is heart wrenching.
I try to keep him from me when I am in a lot of pain, but there is just no way for him to never see it. He is becoming aware that the chair is different. At three, so far that is not a big deal, but not being there as much as I want and him wanting me to be well is frustrating for him. He is having behavioral problems at school and I blame myself.

At that age, all kids will have some behavioral adjustments to make anyway, so please don't be so quick to blame yourself and your situation. Kids are so much more resilient than we often give them credit for....the important thing is to give them an arena to voice their concerns.

I haven't had any issues come up originating from school, but my son, who was three at the onset of my paralysis, did express saddness from time to time. I acknowledged to him that I get a little sad too. Instead of trying to hide it from him, I thought it was important for him to know that what he was feeling was okay and we could share that occasional saddness, without it seeming taboo. After one of our talks, I always try to wrap things up with how many fun things we are able to do, how much reading to him means to me, and how happy I am to be able to watch him in his activities, help him with homework, etc. I think it helps him to know that I still experience great happiness too.

*sigh* But it is heartbreaking at times...there's no denying that.

My son was around me when I was in my worst pain....it couldn't be avoided. I worried too about his exposure to such a scary thing. He took a lot of day trips away from the house with his Dad during that time...and of course, it takes a lot of effort to put on a good front and stay engaged when you're fighting intense pain, so we all benefited from the breaks.

Anyway, keep the lines of communication open and honest...and don't be so quick to blame yourself. Entering school can bring about behavioral changes in itself...give him lots of reassurance and praise.

Blessings....

[DaveP]

 paddydfireman, on Oct 13 2006, 10:24 PM, said:

our sons still the same asking more qestions and now all hes friends come in and ask me qestions

That's excellent! Kids are great at asking all the right questions! Answer them all and tell them how you ended up in a wheelchair, why you're paralysed etc etc so you can educate them about spinal injuries and how they can avoid it. Maybe you can help one of them from becoming spinally injured in the future or encourage others to work with disabled people when they're older.

If you act negatively and avoid answering their questions, then you're just going to instill negative perceptions about disabled people in these kids and recruit potential "anti-disabled" people of the future.

Most of all, have a good laugh with them and be light-hearted, joke, play, laugh - kids learn more that way.

If they ask why you pee out of a legbag, get them to sit down and ask them to imagine sitting down on a chair and trying to pee without getting any on their trousers! That always gets them thinking and then say you pee into the bag via a pipe and then empty the bag. Good simple fun answers that makes them think and have a laugh at the same time.

Tow them down the street on the skateboards with your electric wheelchair... just have fun!!!