22 replies to this topic

[crash]

Aisling,

When a person suffers a spinal cord injury they experiece alot of different emotions. One of those is anger. Many people have been known to take the anger that they feel at being paralyzed out on their loved ones. Your husband is probably very angry at the fact that he is injured. He may direct some of that anger toward you.
I don't know what your experience has been or what your husband's personality is like. Counseling can be very helpful. It is good to express what you are feeling, although some people just try to bury their emotions.
I'm sure that this is a very difficult time for you and your family. It would probably be good to try to get someone for you and your husband to talk to that has experience in this area. Maybe your hospital could help.

Best wishes,
Crash

[Chilepepper]

Hi Aisling







I remember when I was unable to get my license back because of a police matter and other things. So never got my license back for a few years. In that time I had to depend on family and friends, and I hated that with a passion because I was not in control of situation. So i can somewhat feel what your husband is going through.



I'm not sure what your husbands situation is, as in injury or length of time out of hospital etc, etc. But if he got his license back, he could of gone to the hospital by himself, or any other place without having to depend on people like yourself. This by itself would free up a lot of that anger and frustration in him. The last thing anybody wants in this world is to have to depend on other people to get the job done. Anyway that is one suggestion and I hope helps abit Aisling.

Edited by Chilepepper, 16 September 2006 - 09:00 PM.

[cvelusc]

Unfortunately when I had my accident, the aphorism "The ones we hurt the most are the ones we love" held true. Took me some time to readjust my feelings into a positive direction, and before my change in attitude I was very curt and inconsiderate to my wife.

To this day I regret what I put her through. My only advice would be (as others have mentioned) is to get him talking to others about what he's going through. May that be a counselor, friends, or other family members. What would your husband think about posting on this forum? The beauty of the Internet is that he can remain entirely anonymous.

[juls]

Sometimes you need to actually point out to the person what they are doing and how much it is affecting you....your husband might not realise how much he is actually hurting you, because he is so focused on himself and his pain??

[DaveP]

This sounds like a normal male/female issue. Sometimes it drives me mad when it takes my girlfriend ages to do something that I would do in minutes - ie using 1000 words to explain something that I'd use 10! Maybe your husband thought you were just popping in to the school and would be back in a couple of minutes, but things took longer (maybe much longer, in his eyes) and this wound him up. Add that to not being able to do anything about it (ie "trapped" in the car, maybe with his wheelchair out of reach) and it's semi-understandable why he got upset. I suppose other issues mentioned like lack of control etc apply also. This is when things like a text message saying "Need to speak to teacher - taking ages but trying to sort asap" helps to defuse these situations.

[livewriter]

Yep, sounds like normal life. Not an sci issue unless is't sci-fi. Don't fall into stereotyping everything being related to his injury. I met and marraied my wife after my injury and our prrobs are as any other's.. men are dogs, women are always right. Correct?

[juls]

Of course we're always right..even when we know we're not!!!

[bigsmiles]

livewriter, on Sep 17 2006, 11:43 PM, said:

Yep, sounds like normal life. Not an sci issue unless is't sci-fi. Don't fall into stereotyping everything being related to his injury. I met and marraied my wife after my injury and our prrobs are as any other's.. men are dogs, women are always right. Correct?

Woman are always right.......its the safest bet but really though i have to agree with the above,well put.

[Apparelyzed]

juls, on Sep 18 2006, 02:47 AM, said:

Of course we're always right..even when we know we're not!!!

Quite right Juls, but then again, I'm a man, so I have to let you think you're right, even if you're not!

The things us men have to do to keep the peace

Think I can hear the flamethrowers warming up after that comment!

Simon.

[Apparelyzed]

Apparelyzed, on Sep 18 2006, 09:10 AM, said:

juls, on Sep 18 2006, 02:47 AM, said:

Of course we're always right..even when we know we're not!!!

Quite right Juls, but then again, I'm a man, so I have to let you think you're right, even if you're not!

The things us men have to do to keep the peace

Think I can hear the flamethrowers warming up after that comment!

Simon.

Hang on a minute, just realised my reply was a double negative, making Jules right

Simon

[juls]

i'm always right Simon, just ask me!!

[cvelusc]

aisling, on Sep 19 2006, 06:46 PM, said:

ok thanks every1 i askeds him will he see some1 and all i get is no1 can help me and he want off now i have hes mam who thinks its all my fault hes like this and dosnt think i cant mind him or my kids

Well, your husband's situation is NOT your fault. His behavior of believing that "noone can help me" seems typical of someone facing an overwhelming challenge. What he needs to know is how much his attitude is affecting your well-being, and that is NOT fair to you. And rather then his mother just criticize your abilities as a wife/mother, why doesn't she offer her help?

[Lucydog]

Personally Id leave him..... I dont mean forever but maybe you and the kids could go and visit a friend or relative for a w/e or something and let him stay at home. It sounds cruel, but you may have to force him to look at the big picture of life. Forget the SCI for a moment, was it a great relationship before or in need of some repair even then? If this is the case it may be too late. I know I sound hard, but you have to try to come through this TOGETHER, and if he /you cant respond to the needs of the other then its better to leave and make a new life than be very very bitter in 10 years and resent all that lost time.

take care
L

[bigsmiles]

Lucydog, on Sep 21 2006, 07:58 PM, said:

Personally Id leave him..... I dont mean forever but maybe you and the kids could go and visit a friend or relative for a w/e or something and let him stay at home. It sounds cruel, but you may have to force him to look at the big picture of life. Forget the SCI for a moment, was it a great relationship before or in need of some repair even then? If this is the case it may be too late. I know I sound hard, but you have to try to come through this TOGETHER, and if he /you cant respond to the needs of the other then its better to leave and make a new life than be very very bitter in 10 years and resent all that lost time.

take care
L

I would have to agree with Lucydog, maybe its time for a breather and to get some space between you. He then hopefully in time will realise what he is missing and you can start a fresh to get things back on track. Take some YOU time.....all the best

[cvelusc]

aisling, on Sep 21 2006, 06:25 PM, said:

she wont help coz she dosnt get on well with me or my husband but we have a nusre whos a graet friend and she cant get him to see someone so i dont know what to do i feel like leaving him sometimes

Definitely leverage the nurse if she can get him to see someone about his mental/physical state. I have to agree Lucydog as well. No sense in forfeiting your time/energy on your husband if he's unwilling to appreciate your efforts and give you the support you need.

Bottomline: you are not alone Aisling!

[cvelusc]

Unfortunate to read that your marriage wasn't going well before the accident, but I am somewhat relieved that your husband will be seeking outside help. I hope he keeps to his commitment and everything works out for the best.

[Joed]

Aisling...

Your husband's willingness to get support is a huge step. I hope he perserveres.

If after a few sessions, he doesn't feel like the counselor is connecting, don't hesitate to seek out another. A good counselor shouldn't be offended if you decide to change.

I wish you both the best.