22 replies to this topic

[bigsmiles]

Does anyone have or had any problems with family members being over protective since injury? I’m finding it quite difficult with my boyfriends mother at the moment as she seems to treat him as if he was 5 years old and talks to him as if he’s not fully compos mentis. I can understand this to a certain degree but its getting beyond the joke now, so much so she visits every day and seems to do almost everything for him and I mean almost everything. She’s even there when she knows I’m calling and will sit there all the time I’m there...things not going to well really. We have talked about this and he tells me she has always been over powering but worse since his accident. Each time he has spoke to her about this she gets upset and starts crying but where does that leave us Sorry going on I know...

[rkzenrage]

I'm sorry to be so blunt about this, but I have dealt with this.
He is going to have to set rules and boundaries, when she starts crying he is going to tell her he understands but it is hurting him more than it is helping him and that you are part of his healing process.
End of story.
Don't discuss it too much at first. Let her deal with it for a month to six weeks, tell her after that, he will discuss it again.
By tell, I mean him. I don't think you should be there unless he just feels that he can't. But I think he needs to, it is going to be his first step taking control of his new life.
It has to be coming from him or she is going to focus on you and feel that it is coming from you and feel that you are "taking him from her/them" and "harming him".

[royter]

This tends to be the reaction of most mothers after a sci but i think your fella should just be blunt and tell her he can manage his life just as before his accident plus you are the one that he is with and you can both manage fine without her going to see him on a daily basis, it may be hard for her to accept at first but he has got to let her know how you both feel, im sure he can be open with her and at his level i really cant see why she needs to be doing anything for him i mean he dosnt need any real help with his life as im sure he can manage fine on his own . This would do my head in if it was my mother i love her to bits and i only live a few miles from her but she knows i lead a totally independant life and i call to see her when i want to see her i cant remember the last time she came to my flat as she knows im very rarely in the place but she knows if i ever needed her for anything i would just call her and vice versa if she needed me for anything, He really must just tell her because it will only get worse as she will think that he is reliant on her i hope you get this sorted quickly as i can only see the problem getting worse the longer he leaves it take care and all the best Roy

[dom]

i had this from my mum,and its perfectly natural,but i was always left with a sick to the stomach feeling,and started to get aggressive and cold which is not my character i was living with my parents at the time and the burning need was to get my independence back asap,i got a flat and am now happy having my own space,also she is not half as bad as a few years ago
hopefully he will calmly explain this to his mum and keep repeating it until it sinks in,he can maybe thank her for all the support and its time he tried to fend for himself cos the doc said it would be good for his health and morale/self esteem

[bigsmiles]

I think whats happened is that over the past three years hes let her do most things from doing the weeks shopping to even the financial side of things. I know hes had a rotten time of things since his accident and has spent most of his time in bed with sores or having ops in hospital, but he needs to start being independant or i don't think its going to happen ever. He doesn't like to go out alone i have picked up on this and hes told me that he didn't realise he could carry on as before but hes realising now he needs to be independant. I think her doing everything has made him dependant on her and hes allowed this to happen. Yesterday was enough for me, whilst i was there she had a go at him about his spending as she looked at his bank statement and said he has to stop spending as much on rubbish for the home. I felt so embarrassed for him and made my excuses to leave as i couldn't sit there any longer listening to it ! I later picked up a voicemail on my phone saying "She hoped i was ok, and that she truly hoped i will look after her boy as he is dissabled you know" Sorry but im finding it so annoying so ive told him i need a bit of space and that he needs a chat to mum in order to move forward..........Thanks to you all for listening

[royter]

i hope you dont mind me asking how old is your boyfriend ? and when was his accident

[hisamsmith]

Until six months ago my mom was very overprotective. I almost died several times as a child and she was convinced I would live at home with her until the day I died. That was not my plan for the future. I chose to move in to an aparrtment with my boyfriend and told her I would call her if I needed help. If I didn't call, I didn't need help. It's worked. I also told her she has to call if she's coming over. She does. She's learned I can be a responsible adult. Your boyfriend should be the one to speak to his mother, if you do it she'll just hate you.

[bigsmiles]

royter, on Oct 13 2006, 08:52 PM, said:

i hope you dont mind me asking how old is your boyfriend ? and when was his accident

Hello Royter, his accident was three years ago and he is now 58 years young ( looks 48) You men seem to get bigger babys with age lol....thanks for your replys all, im sure it will get sorted in the end ...she says

[Adams]

58??? Good God, from your story, it sounds like he's 15 or 16.

Dude's gotta man up, nothing more than that.

[Hmacleod28]

Hi there my partner is thinking of mooving in with me he is at the moment still in hospital , and is not yet out his mum dose want him to moove in with her and well he and i think it is best for him to moove in with me ,it is hard i love his mum like my own mum n dnt wana hurt her but how do you tell a mum that your son is not going bk to live with them ??? and after such a hard time to get to terims with ?? its going to be so hard but at the end of the day i love him for him not bcos he has legs sorry that might b insensitive but true , do u have web sights that i may go on for help n advice or may i chat to you for support , sorry am dislexick , also so spelling not the best thanks for post

[royter]

Hmacleod28, on Oct 16 2006, 09:33 PM, said:

Hi there my partner is thinking of mooving in with me he is at the moment still in hospital , and is not yet out his mum dose want him to moove in with her and well he and i think it is best for him to moove in with me ,it is hard i love his mum like my own mum n dnt wana hurt her but how do you tell a mum that your son is not going bk to live with them ??? and after such a hard time to get to terims with ?? its going to be so hard but at the end of the day i love him for him not bcos he has legs sorry that might b insensitive but true , do u have web sights that i may go on for help n advice or may i chat to you for support , sorry am dislexick , also so spelling not the best thanks for post

How old is your guy ?i think it is entirely yours and your boyfriends decision if you want to move in together i really cant believe the amount of people who let somebody else to try and rule there life just because you end up in a chair dosnt mean you cant make the same decisions you did before especially when you are a para i can understand a quad needing a bit of time to adjust but then again i know quads who have gone straight from hospital into a new home alone i think it is entirely down to the individual as to what they want and if it means upsetting people on the way so be it im sure your boyfriend dosnt dictate to his mother what she can do with her life if she dosnt like it tough but once she sees he can manage ok i am sure all will be well hope all goes well for you both Roy

[DaveP]

I was 23/24 when I was in rehab and had to ban my mother from coming back to visit me! I was in the UK and they were in Portugal so she'd started planning all sorts of flights for her and the rest of the family, so I quickly put a stop to this. I told them it was great to see them and thanks etc but I needed to get on with my rehab and didn't have the time or patience to sit around chatting to them all day, and by that stage repeating the same stories was getting on my nerves!

Of course, after rehab my mother wanted me to live with her, even though I'd left home at 16 and was totally independent.

No matter how hard I have been on my parents when they kept doing the things I asked them not to do, they still do them now, after more than 15 years. But now I'm 39 and should be much calmer and have to appreciate that they only do these things out of love, even though it drives me insane®! Just yesterday we arranged to meet up for lunch and my elderly mother (in her 70's) and not the best driver in the world, had got there just before me and was in the restaurant car park telling me where to park etc etc - just that made my blood pressure go up! lol

Mother's - poor mother's! lol They can't do right for doing wrong!!!

[royter]

you hit the nail on the head Dave it really is only love and concern from mothers but boy does it bug you, like you said you just have to tell them straight how it is it is no use pretending that you are gonna do something you have no intention of doing so if it hurts for a while so be it but once they see your ok and dont need them things tend to get back to some normality my mother to this day still thinks of me as her little boy even though i have been in a chair for nearly 30 years like you i left home at 17 so have always looked after myself, i cant understand people who just dont stand up for themselves after all it is there own life and future but i suppose we are all different Roy

[royter]

Hi,Sarah just thought i would ask how your boyfriend is getting on is he still in hospital and if so i wish him a speedy recovery is he in Northern Gen Sheffield ? hope he had a word with his mum anyway must go as im getting ready to go to Trinidad tommorow for my nieces wedding lol just showing off lol hope your both ok take care Roy

[bigsmiles]

Hi Royter, hope you had a good holiday or having a good holiday if your still away (alright for some) we are ok... well i hope we are but thats another story.... another time maybe . Hospital didn't go as planned as when we arrived they said there was a misunderstanding over the dates and that his actual date to be admitted was the 26th November so it looks as though he will be in for Christmas...such joy...but never mind as these things happen, the most important thing is that it all gets sorted out. As for Mum, well he had words and yes there was tears but she has started to give us a bit of space so i guess thats a positive result. He has told me that she keeps making remarks about the age gap and how i might run of with some bloke who has more to offer you know all the usual stuff to make him feel secure....not. Take care...Bye for now

[hrvoje]

i had the same problem with my mom, thet is something what he must deal with his mum, i solved thet problem when i moved to colledge and my mum come after me, i was realy mad! he must talk to her and explain her some stuff or else it want be good, if she won't understend like mine didn't he had to be brutal with her,even thet means she will cry,my did,but it helped.

[milosh]

ohh... moms are the same everywhere! well, ''the worst'' is in italy.

hrvoje and dave... i agree with you guys! it was the same on my side!

[juless]

i see that at work all the time over protective mothers treating grown men like 3 year olds and it's so irritating. what's more irritating is when these grown men let their mothers do this, i had one use to rub on her son ALL over, very unbecoming for a man.

when you lose your ability to walk you don't lose your mind or manhood, same rules apply so i'm with adams man up and on the softer side he needs to talk to her, give her a schedule of when she can visit and how long she can stay be careful though because you never know when you're going to need her, and you will need her

[rkzenrage]

bigsmiles, on Nov 12 2006, 12:55 PM, said:

Hi Royter, hope you had a good holiday or having a good holiday if your still away (alright for some) we are ok... well i hope we are but thats another story.... another time maybe . Hospital didn't go as planned as when we arrived they said there was a misunderstanding over the dates and that his actual date to be admitted was the 26th November so it looks as though he will be in for Christmas...such joy...but never mind as these things happen, the most important thing is that it all gets sorted out. As for Mum, well he had words and yes there was tears but she has started to give us a bit of space so i guess thats a positive result. He has told me that she keeps making remarks about the age gap and how i might run of with some bloke who has more to offer you know all the usual stuff to make him feel secure....not. Take care...Bye for now

My mom used to say this about my wife a lot... drove me nuts. If she was going to leave me, she would have done it by now. If she is going to leave me, she's gonna' do it... no sense worryin' bout' it.

[JustME]

paddydfireman, on Oct 13 2006, 08:09 PM, said:

dont worry my moms the same she still thinks im a baby even dought im 25 and have kids of my own she hates my wife and my wife cant look after me because my mams taking care of me

Thought I'd share my story. About a week ago, my boyfriend's mom met at the door to her house whenver I was coming to pick my boyfriend up and told me we needed to talk.

Uh oh, well I told to her to go ahead and she started screaming at me and told me that "if anything happens to her son while he is with me, she will whip my ass". I was kinda dumbfounded that she would resort to threatening me and she could have approached the conversation just a little more civilized. I just ended up leaving after she walked in the house and slammed the door, because I was furious with the way she handled the situation and because I felt so belittled.

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE FINISHED WITH OUR HOUSE SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP ANYMORE!

Until then I'm just going to stay away from her until she can talk to me with the same respect I would give her and like a civilized human being

[rkzenrage]

It may be hard to do, but you should not take it personally... she is objectifying you as part of the situation, not a person.
Try to look at it that way, you may see more to pity than to be angry at.
I agree, just try to be patient until you can get him out of that environment. It will be best for you, him and her.
Though I don't think she really believes that she is going to allow that to happen.