14 replies to this topic

[dom]

hi,i remember when i was newly injured a few of my friends distinctly changed their character towards me,no,i was'nt imagining things,[i did'nt fall on my head] obviously the vast majority were genuinely sympathetic but a few,not mentioning any names seemed not pleased but content is the word i'm looking for
Before my accident i was fairly confident and successful,not being big-headed i was respected by friends and business associates alike
a friend of mine seemed disheartened when he found out i could hobble and said when he came to visit me in stoke 'oh i thought you were in a wheelchair' i looked him in the eye and he was visibly upset
also others at the local pub were very interested in 'could i get it up' and tried to ridicule me in jovial banter which at the time annoyed me
weaker people seem to get a kick out of seeing their stronger counterparts get a comedown but i know i am a better person and am not in the least downtrodden even though my life changed

[bigsmiles]

Hi Dom, my boyfriend had many friends and when he first had his accident he had many visitors to his hospital bed, but that was all they did and from what hes told me they soon dissapeared. A couple of months ago we went to a party at the pub he use to run and i counted three that came over and had a chat for five minutes said he looked well and moved on . We sat there for a short while finished our drinks and went home..... i know he felt hurt by this. They say in life we find out who are friends are, i think that people like that were never real friends to start with and the best thing is to go out and make new....real mates that like you just for who you are

[dom]

thankyou bigsmiles for letting me know that i'm not alone in feeling this,to tell the truth it sometimes feels like a bereavement, only of your own previous life!!
my friends came over and talked to me in the pub before moving on and going to a nightclub or whatever,it felt like as if it was their 'duty' to chat awhile before moving on thats why i cling onto the 'life does'nt end when you're paralysed' motto, i can see why people with similar problems group together when faced with adversity,i have never joined a disability club or anything [apart from this site] but i understand why people do
i should imagine that people think-'poor old dom,glad i'm not like that' then continue with their life
thats why i hate people who ridicule anyone different from the norm they should be thinking 'there but for the grace of god go i
its ridiculous -we don't lose our character or anything,boiled right down to it the only thing that happened was we got a bruise/tear in a critical place

[RacingAxe]

dom, on Oct 14 2006, 02:45 PM, said:

weaker people seem to get a kick out of seeing their stronger counterparts get a comedown but i know i am a better person and am not in the least downtrodden even though my life changed

Dom, I hope you don't worry too much about the friends you lose. I know it is rough losing friends but I think friendships are usually best based on common interests. When our lives change, some of our old friends will fade away because we no longer share (or are able to share) the same interests. This doesn't mean that we don't care about each other any longer but the reasons to spend time together sometimes aren't as plentiful. As far as weaker people go, you can recognize them and their shortcomings. Use your strength to either educate them or walk away from them.

[bigsmiles]

I don't think a friends is just someone we share interests with, i think it goes much deeper. I have friends ive known for years now and because they have either moved away or because we don't get much time what with family or work commitments we don't see each other much, however i do feel that they would be there for me if i needed them.

[DaveP]

I think we're equally responsible for looking after our friendships as our friends are. It's way too easy just to blame them for not sticking around, but why didn't they stick around, is the real question. What did you do, or more, what didn't you do, to maintain your friendships?

When something like an SCI happens, none of us (ourselves, family and friends) are prepared for what to do, how to do it, etc so it's down to us to educate our mates to our new lives, instead of having a go at them when they make clumsy mistakes by saying something that "offends" our fragile souls. Too many of us seem to remember those negative moments where something odd is said and make them out to be something that it wasn't.

I've also seen many people lose their friends and wear down their families love by consistanly whinging and moaning - like a bad habit... People only put up with so much before their patience and understanding runs out.

The message here is that we must work to protect our friendships and be more understanding towards the needs of our friends, otherwise they'll have no use for us as friends.

[Nichole]

I lost a lot of friends when i first got hurt too. It was really strange because so many people came to see my in the hopital. I think one of the reasons is i missed out on so much, because i was still in high school. I couldn't go to friday night football games, or parties, or to friends houses, and a lot of other things that i was always so active in. Then they all went off to college, and i had to take a year off. It makes me really sad sometimes, and i totally understand what you're talking about. I think sometimes people just grow apart.

[Joed]

Many of our friends just stopped coming by...but we weren't visiting too many people either, especially during the worst, early days. But some people who hardly ever came over before, starting showing up to hang out and have since become very good friends.

It's a sad reality, when the friends start to fade out after an injury. But sometimes it's a matter of us making the effort to re-establish that contact, and helping others to become more comfortable around our new situations. Sometimes it's not that simple, and they'll always be some who simply cannot seem to deal with it as well.

[itsjustme]

I told my best friend, since high school, not long ago that I couldn't be her "friend" anymore. She said that was pretty drastic but it's just the reality of the situation.

She used to pull up in my drive way on Friday night and yell for me to "bring clean underwear" because we didn't exactly know where the car would take us and we only knew that we needed to be home for work on Monday morning. I can't even be that spontaneous about going out to eat now.

Oh sure, we can email and talk. She lives in another city right now for her job. She can make the obligatory visit to the "para" when she's here. We could even make a pre-arranged date for my daughter to haul me or us and my electric chair in the van somewhere for dinner out somewhere.

Need I say more? I am a different person now. I can't relate to people in the same way and people can't relate to me in the same way and it's not anyone's fault. It hurts sometimes but it's not anyone's fault. It's like losing something besides my legs, something that I can't exactly put into words.

I grieve that loss more than my legs.

[juls]

We lost alot of our old friends but we've gained lots of great new ones that have only ever known me in a chair so to them it's not an issue.

[Para-pal]

My friend and I actually have gotten much closer since his accident but I have seen many of his other friends slip away sadly. I was there for him all the time at the hospital and rehab(7 months) and i know how much he appreciated the company and the fact that I just kept him positive and smiling through the pain. He hasnt driven in over a year so I've been taking him everywhere and am happy to do so.I do sometimes feel like screaming because his friends know he cant drive yet but only a few good ones come around and actually pick him up and take him out. i dont know maybe his guy friends have trouble coping with it but geez how do they think he feels?It sucks but as we get older we find out the hard way who are REAL and TRUE friends are.

[RYAN68]

This sounds all way to familiar....I had prolly close to 100 people show up at the hospital right after my accident, and still had people come visit me in the hospital...But i got home closer to all my friends/family and i was extremely lucky to even have someone call or visit...I used to drive everybody around for the past 3 or so years, i would go pick em up and drive where ever we were goin...Now I was sitting at home all the time (able to go and do stuff) was never included. My buddies would drive right by saying they were gonna pick me up, but then i call em later, and they say they forgot...how convienient....I must be to much of a hassel...I haven't talked to my best friend for over 3 months now, never once all summer did I talk to them, or them stop or call...Only once they called, just wanted to take advantage of my shed and our equipment...assholes

It is very depressing...Oh they did this to a friend that got her license taken away for 60 days, never once did they offer to give her a ride....Glad I'm at school makin new friends, they only know me since I've been in my chair...

[cdngrl]

ive also experienced this. it is heartbreaking since my best friend is living less than a block away. we are all
busy in our lives but its ridiculous that we cant find the time to be friends. my new life is not as convient. i have no friends in w/c (i dont know any) except here most of my new friends never known me outside the chair. how do you keep friends with ones who can't experience some of your daily struggles? i m still trying to figure it out.

[milosh]

SCI, like any other accident in your life shows the people's true face. and yours as well, sure.

of all my friends, only 3 know me pre-SCI. but i'm disabled virtualy all my life.

[Kevin]

I can include family in the list... When my mother developed MS she suddenly became invisible to my aunts, uncles, grandparents (who were never good grandparents anyways). When my dad got lung cancer his whole family (those same aunts, uncles, etc. mentioned above) dropped him like a hot rock. It took an act of god to get any help from anyone during that time. Now that he has Alzheimer's it's even worse. Only his twin brother and one of my cousins will have anything to do with my parents. One of his brothers will call every now and then, but it's always a chore talking to him. He hasn't talked to his other 5 brothers nor his parents in many, many years now.

Holidays are just my parents and myself, but at least it's not stressful. Not only does disability show us who are friends are, they also show us who in our family will stand by us.