[hisamsmith]

I was injured 16 years, 4 months ago. My cousin was born the exact same day almost the same time. Everyone else in our family knows including all of our other cousins. Her mother refuses to tell her or let anyone else tell her. Even cutting me off when I pointed out my boyfriend and I were injured exactly 9 years apart. I am worried because I plan on marrying my boyfriend on June 28th as a little way of taking back the worst day of my life and making it the happiest day. I also worry because another of my cousins found out her dad was not her biological father a couple of years ago. She was pissed at me cause I knew and never told her. I don't want to repeat this with another cousin. I worry she'll find out from the wrong person and feel her birthday is overshadowed by an accident that is not her fault. The way I plan on explaining it is to tell her her birth was the only good part of June 28, 1990. That her birth gave everyone something to look forward to and gave everyone hope. So should I say something to her? Wait til she's 18?
Never say anything?

Thanks in advance,
Samantha

[Mary]

Am sorry abt your accident. But gee...its not your cousin's fault that she was born on the same day as ur accident and its not anybody's fault for that matter,am shocked her mother- your aunty would choose to make it seem like her daughter would blame herself for it,its just so wrong. If anything, u should make it out to be the gud that was brought abt on that day despite the tears and pain. You survived the horrific accident and your cousin was born to bring a smile despite the anguish ur family was undergoing on that day....she deserves to know especially with your plans for your wedding being held on that same day.....think abt it...

[Joed]

I don't know why it was kept from her. Sometimes by hiding things, children will automatically sense that there is some shame involved....or else why the secrecy?

My son was born on the same day that my good friend's daughter died. In a small way, I think my friend derives some comfort from the symbolic 'circle of life' thing, and she feels a special connection with him now.

We adopted my son from birth, and I've always talked to him about being adopted (even when he was still too young to understand, as it was I who needed to get used to using the terminology and feeling at ease with it, so that later he wouldn't sense any discomfort/secrecy from me). I've never wanted to have that definitive moment when we had 'the talk', but rather wanted to have an ongoing talk throughout his life.

This is only my opinion, but I'd think that the secrecy surrounding the date of your accident will confuse her more than the story itself. Kids generally take their cues from the adults around them, especially in situations that they're not equipped to understand emotionally.

[gsp23]

Personally I would tell here and here is where I am comming from...

I have a niece that is the same age, born in 1990 (a week after your cousin). When she was first born her parents were young... her father was in and out of jail, her mother (my sister) had dropped out of highschool and was just turning 18 a couple days after her daugher was born. They were going to give her up for adoption. They went to the adoption agency prior to the birth and picked out parents, etc. All they had to do was sign the papers. When my niece was born they moved my sister off the maternity floor right away so she wouldnt be around any children as this is standard protocol for someone giving their child up for adoption. The foster parents picked her up from the hospital, where she was to stay while the paperwork was all finished up (papers couldnt be signed till after she was born). My sister wanted to have one day with her daughter before she signed her away, which she did and she brought her home so we could all spend the one day with her. My sister dropped her back off at the adoption agency and was go to back in a few days to sign the papers. On the day of the signing she showed up at the adoption agency and said I cant do it I want my daugher...

Long story short, she kept my niece but never told her. She thought my niece would feel unwanted knowing that she was put up for adoption, when in reality she was almost put up for adoption out of love because her father knew they couldnt do it with his ongoing criminal way of life and my sister being young didnt think she could give her a good life. Well, my sister ended up going back to school and working 2 jobs to raiser her daugher to make sure she still gave her a good life. Anyways...

My niece found a baby book of hers that was started by the foster parents. And she read how she was in a foster home for a few days and she figured it out. She trusted me and asked me about it and I told her the truth. She was secretly feeling bad that her parents never wanted her and while we were talking I explained how much her mother loved her and how hard she worked to giver her a good life and make sure she was provided for and why she ever considered it in the first place.

So... your cousin may already know but is going along with the charade feeling guilty for something she shouldnt. Or even if she doesnt know, she is the same age as my niece is currently and I just had this talk with my niece a week after I got out of the hospital (2 months ago) and she was old enough to understand and talk about it rationally.

[Lucydog]

If you get the chance tell her. If you dont, then dont. I mean its probably better not to make a big deal or drama out of the whole thing but if you get the chance drop it by her. My guess is she will be amazed rather than shocked or upset, what a coincidence huh!!? Good grief she is 16, and in some places she can vote, fight for her country and have kids. Some of our memebrs are younger than 16 so Im sure she wont have a problem

[Texaswheelz]

Yeah I can't see a reason why some one wouldn't know or be told but then again I wouldn't make it a big deal to tell them. I grew up very close to my cousins and I was injured 16 years ago in 1990 also, but in October. I doubt any of my cousins even remeber the year much less the day that I was injured as they have no reason to. Why your cousin would care or not care is beyond me, so the reason to hide it or bring it up and tell her is also beyond me. Not saying they don't care about you, but why the day that your injury occured would matter to her, wether on the day of her birth or any other day I don't know.

Only thing I can think of that would matter is if you were down on that day every year and she was stuck wondering why on her b-day you would be in the dumps.

[hisamsmith]

Thank you all for your advice. My aunt has kept the injury/birthday secret for whatever reason she had. She is overely protective of my cousin. 8 years ago my aunt's youngest daughter died in a car accident, that my aunt was found responsible for. My 16 year old cousin is her only child. Nothing can upset Jess, according to my aunt and she works hard to keep her daughter in a bubble. However my cousin choose this summer to live permantly with her father. He's allowing her freedom.

The reasoning to tell her is to aviod the humilation that everyone but you knows something about your life. I would feel hurt if my family members kept a secret from me. I don't want to get married on June 28, 2008 and have her find out this secret in the middle of the church service. Plus I am the oldest of my cousins and I hate seeing them hurt.

I will tell her if it comes up again. If not than I'll wait.

[cvelusc]

hisamsmith, on Nov 1 2006, 03:13 AM, said:

I don't want to get married on June 28, 2008 and have her find out this secret in the middle of the church service.

Unfortunate to read that your Aunt is uncomfortable with your situation. But on a happier note, congratulations on the big date!