[faithdude]

You can be real and true to yourselves and read what I've to say...or live in Peter Pan land in illusion and delusion at loss to reality around you.

Seems happy is the way to go around here. Hot ref to life? Yeah...aren't you? Negative? Naw. In ways, if channeled healthy wise, it's the drive to go on with life.

Well, 8 days from now is 1 year. It's weird. I don't remember almost a month of my life. I woke up to a lady slowlllllly saying "do you know your name?", "do you know today's date?". I thought goddamn who's mentally challenged here? My heart, my soul, my life, my blood, my dreams FROZE as I thought did I have another stroke? I stayed awake days, 2-3, I was terrified to sleep again. G-D I was TERRIFIED. I hate TV. I watched Hurricane Katrina on TV, and, thought is this my dreams or in my real life? And the poor dear Alzheimer's lady screaming intermittently in the hospital didn't help none either, truly God bless her beautiful soul ;)

Well, same day after the "low"IQ hospital questions, I came to realize the wheelchair beside my bed. Wow. I lost the ability to walk is what I was told and I'd never most likely walk again. And the F@#$%^g docs said, no biggie I'm sure, yer just "more inactive" now. Offensive? Affronting? Beyond? Sure as getout yeah. Just cause someone ends up with 2+ severe disabilities in life doesn't make life any easier.

I ended up fighting hard, and, getting intense difficult advanced pt in the hospital. The pain, jeepers. The exhaustion, nighty night, I was out within an hour of it's end per day. Half a year. The pain, freak, wow. It wasn't enough. Half a year hospitalization, maybe it helped, but now it feels down the toilet. Like there goes that time. Like I'm damn sure it's still all my fault. I was told, you try hard enough in life, you'll reach your goals. It's hard to say. But, I know, I tried and then some. It wasn't enough. It's my fault. I must be a failure. I failed. I failed. I failed.

1 year in 8 days. I failed. I'm a failure.
Faithdude

[keeptrukin]

Try not to beat on yourself too much. We can all say and blame everyone including ourselves. The truth is crap happens and we are still here to deal with it. It sounds like you've had a rough time of it.
My advice is try to get out and do things you would still like to do but with the restrictions you now have. I feel your pain, I am pretty much at home for now, and it bites. But each day I wake up thinking and dreaming of where I'd like to be and how I can get there. I should have more back than I do as well at least the doc says I should but agian they guess and have really no idea about who will fully recover and who won't. You didn't do anything wrong, and yes staying positive will make getting better easier. That doesn't mean you will walk agian cause you have a good attitude just that you will push yourself and gain more.
Do you go to any support groups? This may help you regain some of your hope back. They give you that 18 month time but I've heard of people gaining new stuff back after 3-4 years. Its less likely but like I said there is no perfect science behind any of this so stay strong and positive and try not to dwell on the negative as much.

My favorite saying is we can lay down and die or get up and try.

I'll keep you in my prayers, KT

[Joed]

Working that hard for that long does not a failure make, my friend. And who's to say where you'd be right now if not for that effort?

We're in unique positions in that the usual 'strive and you will achieve' doesn't really apply here, regarding recovery. We with SCI work hard at PT, and all the while knowing full well that the payoff may never fully come. But don't let that overshadow the gains that I'm sure you have made...even the smallest of achievements can be life-changing for someone with an SCI.

I'm over three years post-SCI, and just the other night, while lying in bed, I tried to raise my right foot...never expecting any results, as I've never been able to raise that foot...I can lower it/push it down ever so slightly, but not lift it up. Well, much to my amazement, my good leg could feel the movement from my right foot under the covers. I had to try it again, just to convince myself that it actually happened. As it is now, this new ability can't serve me function-wise...it's simply too weak...but I'm thrilled anyway. And to tell you the truth, I don't harbor any fantasies that this will lead to anything more than what it is right now, but it's not a failure...it's a reminder to me to not become complacent and forget hope.

Try and remain focused on your achievements so far...as I'm sure there are many...and that's no small thing. You're a fighter or you wouldn't have battled this as hard as you have. That same fight will drive you to succeed...in the presence of function return or not.

I'm sorry that you're feeling down about the anniversary of your injury...I can certainly understand that. My hope is that you'll be able to clearly see all the achievements you've made in this past year. Make a list, and you'll probably be surprised at how many things you've overcome...it's easy to forget the 'small' things....but make no mistake, your efforts were not in vain and you haven't failed by any means.

Keep fighting the good fight...

[Nichole]

Don't give up hope! Its been almost three years for me, and i'm still making improvments. Just last week I kicked my left foot, with great force, something i haven't been able to do since i was injured. And hey, i'm supposed to be a t6 complete, and i can walk with long leg braces in the parallel bars. There's no time limit, no matter what a doctor may tell you. I'm a living example that doctors don't know what they're talking about when it comes to SCI.

[Tarkus]

Joed, on Nov 3 2006, 08:11 AM, said:

Working that hard for that long does not a failure make, my friend. And who's to say where you'd be right now if not for that effort?

A very wise statement.

I am just shy of 2 years and I sometimes have the same feelings you do....Hell we all do from time to time !

You are to be admired for your hard work and effort and things will change and life will improve.
It may be a little different but life will go on.

You have a purpose on this rock, it's only a matter of time before you find your way.

Remember, all of us here are always with you.

Godspeed,
Alan

[PetitMortVampyre]

No, not a failure.... a failure you'd have been if you just gave up from the start.... You didn't and you are not going to start now!!!!

[cvelusc]

faithdude, on Nov 3 2006, 06:01 AM, said:

I'm a failure.

Negative. You are still alive. Consider that an accomplishment in itself. Takes a lot of fortitude to keep trudging on through life in lieu of a life-altering event.

I'm not running around, jumping, swimming, or riding a bicycle. I am however doing the best I can. I cannot force my muscles to react or grow when the nerve endings are severely damaged.

Hang in there Friend!

[icarus_melt76]

Hey f-dude, u sound like everyone facing the real world. I too agree that it seems most SCI's responding to you here wear rose-coloured glasses and see the world as fine 'n dandy. My belief is most r trying to convince themselves! Have to be nuts to say you've accepted the shitty hand your dealt. Been a long time for me and every morning I wake up and moan....thinking 'ANOTHER DAY! F-ck'!!
Note most cheery folk telling you things aren't so bad...are better off than many...or they're brain dead. Feeling sorry and complaining won't do squat. I know that too. Face facts friend, 'Shit Happens' every day around the world. We got screwed, plain 'n simple. Bangin' your head on the wall won't change bugger-all 'cept add a headache to your woes.

If you want a quick change of mind, look around 'n see how many are far worse off. Oh ya... people told me and keep telling me things aren't so bad. Bull Shit! Visit or even just see some high quads or blind guys 'n gals. Lots of 'em brake bones and end up drooling, etc. for ever. THEY have really been screwed.

IF things do change for you, it won't be in a hurry, so face the facts. You still might beat the odds and doctors' say-so and you'll click your heels again. Sorry to be so blunt but wiggling yer foot after 10 years ain't worth waiting for. Can only say 'Hang in there pal'... lotta good to go with the bad.

Attached thumbnail(s)

• 

This post has been edited by icarus_melt76: 16 December 2006 - 12:36 AM

[Tarkus]

onion, on Nov 3 2006, 10:23 PM, said:

Faithdude
I know exactly where you're coming from. And I'm not the injured one, I'm only the "carer" bulldinkie, I'm his wife and I love him. I posted that all the carer's on this forum were "Stepford wives", sooo cherry and Oh sure this is a walk in the park. But I was wrong. The thought you have in your heart grows. And effects so many other people. And it's always good to blow out the bad stuff by venting. We all do and now you have to heal. I challenge you. Walk through this forum and find one person you can help.
onion

Well said.

That's why I always answer "how are you doing" with "I'm getting along, please ask my wife how shes doing".

GOD BLESS YOU AND ALL LIKE YOU

You are the reason many of us survive, thank you.

Regards,
Alan

[LadyPilot]

Joed, on Nov 3 2006, 01:11 PM, said:

And to tell you the truth, I don't harbor any fantasies that this will lead to anything more than what it is right now, but it's not a failure...it's a reminder to me to not become complacent and forget hope.

Try and remain focused on your achievements so far...as I'm sure there are many...and that's no small thing. That same fight will drive you to succeed...in the presence of function return or not.

My hope is that you'll be able to clearly see all the achievements you've made in this past year. ..it's easy to forget the 'small' things....but make no mistake, your efforts were not in vain and you haven't failed by any means.

Keep fighting the good fight...

Very wise words indeed.

Remember also that you do not know what is around the corner for you. A few years ago at a very low ebb in my life, I decided my life was not worth living. I did not want to live. I thought I had nothing to live for. I was going to hang myself. I even put the chain round my neck and was seconds from throwing myself off the chair. I believe one of my Guardian Angels stopped me.
Now when I look back I think of everything I would have missed.
Meeting my present husband, learning to fly, sail, ski etc, I would never have known about my two half sisters who live in SA, Im looking forward to meeting them one day!!

So Dear Faithdude, have faith!! in yourself and that you have the ability to make things better. if any of your many friends here can help you we will, just ask if we havn't beaten you to it already.

In four weeks time it will be my 25th Anniversary of SCI. I shall probably get drunk and cry my eyes out!!