[Elmo]

How many of you have heard this one from well-meaning friends and families? My girlfriend has been injured for about 6 months now and we are continuing on the best we can. Our friends have been great, but every once in a while I get the comment about "Well, you have to be rethinking your relationship together..." implying that I should be thinking about bailing. Does anyone else encounter this? Does anyone else find this rather insensitive? Or am I being too sensitive?

To me what it implies is that a person's worth is only as good as how able someone is. I usually turn it around and ask them "What keeps you with your spouse/sig. other? Is it their ability to walk? If they couldn't do it anymore would YOU leave them?" Then I tell them that if I leave someone because they can't walk anymore, "damaged goods" so to speak, then is that the depth of my relationships with people? That's pretty shallow and a shaky thing to base someone's worth on...

Increasingly this question, though well intentioned, is beginning to grate on me and seems terribly insensitive to me. Am I the only one who feels this way?

[BillS]

I think that you probably have rethought your relationship and after thinking about it abit you decided it doesn't make a difference.

Next time they say "You MUST be rethinking your relationship..." just tell them that "Yep, I've rethought it and decided that the relationship is still great!"

[ericck]

 BillS, on Nov 9 2006, 06:25 PM, said:

I think that you probably have rethought your relationship and after thinking about it abit you decided it doesn't make a difference.

Next time they say "You MUST be rethinking your relationship..." just tell them that "Yep, I've rethought it and decided that the relationship is still great!"

same with my wife our friends would ask her this behind my back.the funny thing is only ab person can decide ,you have stroke patience ect how much of disability is to much?nobody signs up 4 unexpected .I have thought recently i dont want my wife 2 feel that she has 2 stay with me 4 fear that i will crumble.i want 2 here from ab and not ab.GOOD QUESTION.

[milosh]

people tend to leave ''loved ones'' when things are not the best... even for less serious matter than a major ''disaster'' like bankruptcy or disability.

how many guys were left by their wives/girlfriends/lovers after their business fold down? i think roughly the same %/number as after having an SCI.

it has more to do with screwed up nature of homo sapiens than the disability itself.

live your life to the highest and don't give a shit to what others are talking!

noone knows what the God is going to serve for him/her, good or bad.

[juls]

Good question Elmo...I don't think you're being to sensative at all.

My boyfriend got this alot after our accident (i was injured, he wasn't) Everyone was waiting for him to leave me..my family, our friends, his family...and when he didn't, we thought that would be the end of it...but no, he still gets asked, mainly by his family. It's quite hurtful, as we have been together 10 yrs now, 7 since the accident...i would never go up to someone and ask them if they are 're-thinking' thier relationship...it's none of my business.

I also hate the 'your a better man then me' comment, how rude!!! That would be like taking a look at thier fat, ugly wife and saying 'geez, your a better man then me!' You would never say that....we've always wandered how exactly, should you reply to someone saying that.....

It makes me angry and sad..especially when the people doing it are 'friends'

[Jodie Lynn]

Hey all just thought I would add my two cent on this subject for me I was in a relationship with this guy we got together just before my accident, well after the accident he said he would love me even if I never walked again that it didn't change anything between us.. well things were so great between us he was always there for me even though he lived in California and I in Missouri, things were great for us.. well March of this last year I flew out to see him be with him took my girl with and everything.. Things were so great and yes we were very sexual imagine that, He said he fell so much in love with me and I totally blew his mind he was so proud of me and of my walking.. Anyways I come back home after bout two weeks and things are still going great, then Bam about two months later it has all gone to SHIT he won't tlak ot me any more but damn I can't figure out what the prob is.. or shall I say was well needless to say I have let go of him to me it is not worth the pain it causes,, God knows I have had enough of that in my life but anyways I just wanted to add my two cent to this subject so.. Even if peeps say one thing some NOT all end up being a different way after a while so peeps friends keep your heads up I am sure we will all find teh one or someone who REALLY LOVES US FOR US......


Love to you all,



Jodie Lynn

[xMaddiex]

i hate it when people say stuff like that to me. it just show show closed-minded and superficial the world's getting! i make it pretty clear that NOTHING could EVER make me leave jason no matter what happened. we've been together for 4 years almost, and an accident isn't going to change a thing! it's even worse when people then say "oh, it's because you're young and don't see the reality of it!" well,i'm pretty sure that i'm living the reality...being with something with an sci might be more difficult than being with someone who can walk, but so what!? if you love someone, then surely you're with them for what they are rather than what they can't do. like i said, i'd never split up with jason for any reason, so people really shouldn't bother to ask!

[milosh]

maddie... great! yeah... i think it's them not living in reality.

it's not important what's said but by whom it's said.

[Mary]

I agree with u maddie and just because a guy cant walk dont mean his heart cant feel. I get those comments too, mary,why cant u get an AB for a boyfriend, why go thru all the hussles for him - and am like 'who died and made u my advisor' i can damn well see he cant walk but so what, i love him just the way he is and if u cant handle that then you are not needed in my life either, i dont need freinds who bring me down, i dont leave for anyone but me!!!if u cant handle hit the highway!!!!

[milosh]

the only what matters is to be happy with the life you live!

don't waste your energy on such people... use it for your guy and something positive.

[Elmo]

Hey Juls, I get the "You're a better man than me" comment as well, but I take it the complete opposite. I think to myself "Yes, I am a better man than you" and I take it as a compliment. Perhaps I shouldn't think this way, perhaps it's a bit too proud, but I just think when someone tells you that they couldn't do what you are doing (whatever that is) that is a pretty special compliment. But I also understand what you are saying too...

[juls]

I agree with you Elmo...Andy does take it as a compliment and i think it's a good reflection of his character...he's very caring, fun, helpful (i wont go on!!!) i think i just feel a little sensative about it..if you know what i mean...I read something once that a paraplegic wrote in a mag...she said an injury like this sorts the men from the boys..it's so true...

[milosh]

i agree, after an injury you see who's the man and who's the pussy. ;)

[hrvoje]

 milosh, on Nov 16 2006, 10:26 PM, said:

i agree, after an injury you see who's the man and who's the pussy. ;)

i agree, also you see who is your real friend, when i become SCI i lost all of my ''friends'' over the night, people who ask you that kinde of question should ask themselves are they really your friends and do they want the best for you 'cause if you are happy with her why thet they can't see?

btw sorry becasue my english(milosh told me thet i am somwhere between Turk and Greek with it) i am not good at expressing my thoughts on english.

[Mary]

Quote

btw sorry becasue my english(milosh told me thet i am somwhere between Turk and Greek with it) i am not good at expressing my thoughts on english.

Thats alright Hrvoje, at least we can get the point from what you are writing....u must have a really strong accent too....

[juls]

 Mary, on Nov 17 2006, 06:45 PM, said:

Quote

btw sorry becasue my english(milosh told me thet i am somwhere between Turk and Greek with it) i am not good at expressing my thoughts on english.

Thats alright Hrvoje, at least we can get the point from what you are writing....u must have a really strong accent too....

I don't mind either...i love it that we can speak to everyone from all over the world

[Izziwhizzi]

Hi Elmo

Good luck on this rocky road - I must say you will need balls!! as these questions and others will always be asked. Maybe its a question on your manhood - I know my husband feels that sometimes when someone stupid makes a bad comment. Maybe ladies with paralysed fellas don't get the feeling that their sexuality is being questioned in this manner, as society perceives ladies more as care givers either professionally or with their children.

I think my husband gets the, 'Oh you are brave taking her on' or 'you're a better man than me' comment a lot more than either of us like. We've been together 22 years now (infact never got married, a sort of sign that the strength of our relationship & not a paper contract & a party that keeps us together) and he never knew me before I was in a chair.

That does make it different to your situation, but as he was only 22 and I 20 at the time we met, a lot of people - including my relatives to this day - can't understand him as they say 'wanting to give his life up at such a young age and stay with me' (which I guess they think of me as 'damaged goods'). I also have the feeling that people think he must have a screw loose or is stupid, to that I always try to make sure they realise that he has a degree from Cambridge University.

But our relationship was only a small issue with the rellies in comparison to the one where I turned up with a scan showing I had a foetus in my belly. "How did that happen?" (Excuse me, didn't they think we had great sex) "You can't seriously think you two should have kids" and then after I had my first, news of the seconds coming was met with even more disgust.

I have never asked them to babysit, help iron, anything, I wasn't roping them in for chores to help us. Relatives can be strange, maybe they are being over protective. I now feel that I am perhaps more reserved than I would have liked to be with them & I don't share my fabulous life & kids experiences with them as they are older (in their 70's) and sat at home bored & doing nothing.

Anyway, enjoy what you have and if it works for you both, tetra or no tetra, then great!! Hope your girlfriend is doing OK too - things can be daunting in the first few years. If you ever want to PM me/us please feel free to do so.

L xx

[Joed]

 Izziwhizzi, on Nov 21 2006, 11:18 AM, said:

"You can't seriously think you two should have kids" and then after I had my first, news of the seconds coming was met with even more disgust.

Reading this thread and the quote above, just makes me sad (and furious!). People can be so ignorant and hurtful.

When I was 18, I became engaged to a Marine who was 22....we never married (thank God!), but I remember how hurt and confused I was when I overheard his mother telling him, "All you'd be doing is marrying a doctor bill." At that time, my disability wasn't even in my direct consciousness, and so it really took me back....I felt hurt and shame. It was the first time that I realized that other people saw me differently than I saw myself.

Funny thing is....I didn't even see a doctor for the next 12 years. But I'd bet that she did.

[htwhlz97]

Really good friends of my husbands asked if he was going to stay with me after my accident and he was shocked, and after he told me I could never look at them the same. Even though they werent my friends they knew me and knew what kinda person I was, one that wasnt going to let this get me down. He even had a DR. say you better rethink staying married youll be broke for the rest of your life and have to take care of her hand and foot. I do more around our house than most women who can walk and it surprises him all the time. So blow off those people who question your motives and reasons to stay.

This post has been edited by htwhlz97: 08 December 2006 - 07:45 PM

[jenn2782]

 htwhlz97, on Nov 28 2006, 04:46 PM, said:

Really good friends of my husbands asked if he was going to stay with me after my accident and he was shocked, and after he told me I could never look at them the same. Even though they werent my friends they knew me and knew what kinda person I was, one that wasnt going to let this get me down. He even had a DR. say you better rethink staying married youll be broke for the rest of your life and have to take care of her hand and foot. I do more around our house than most women who can walk and it surprises him all the time. So blow off those people who question your motives and reasons to stay.

Wow ~ I'm A little late but sooo Happy I found this~ I am right now starting to be bothered by the comments. It has only been 7 months since my fiance's accident and in the begining I think I was too "numb" to really comprehend what anyone was saying to me...but Now! Just this passed weekend my sister was telling me how my parents were upset with me applying for mortgages because I'm soo young and being with Joey for the rest of my life could be a mistake and that I may really want to think about what the future holds ~ And that I may not want to commit to buying a house with him because of his disability. ARE YOU F**KING SERIOUS?? I wanted to scream at her but I just shook my head and changed the subject. If I didn't run in the very begining, what makes them think I'm going to turn my back on him a year from now??

And it just seems like since she said that everything that everyone said to me right after the accident all of sudden came rushing back to me ~ My best friend saying that I might want to get out before i get too involved, i've had co-workers make comments about how hard the rest of my life is going to be and now 7 months later its starting to piss me off! Who do they think they are? How dare they attempt to make my mind up for me? I love him for him - not for his legs. We were planning to get married last september, YES MARRIED..Marriage is a pretty serious thing. But because he became paralyzed I'm suppose to wish him the best of luck and go on my merry way. How would I be able to look at myself and not be disgusted?

Sorry had to vent a little..so weird i found this.

[rkzenrage]

Each time I get more ill, a different stage, someone says something like this to her.
It hurts, makes me feel like a thing.

[InLoveWithLML]

Hello Everyone!

I went through the same thing, I am a 25 year old female and when I first told everyone about this new wonderful man that I had found their first response was " You are so young, are you sure you want to be in a relationship where you have to take care of him for the rest of your life?" This man will be my husband from the first time I looked into his eyes I knew , I honestly think that that is what love is about....knowing that life has shitty moments and hard times, but being blessed to find someone who's worth all that trouble. Just by reading your post, I don't think you have to say anything. The next time someone asks you are you rethinking your relationship, just walk away.....they'll get the hint. You owe it to none of them to verbally explain your relationship. I don't know you but I can tell just by your words that your spouse is lucky to have you. I wish you all the best, things can only get better for you if you stick together!

[jenn2782]

 InLoveWithLML, on Jan 17 2007, 06:28 PM, said:

Hello Everyone!

I went through the same thing, I am a 25 year old female and when I first told everyone about this new wonderful man that I had found their first response was " You are so young, are you sure you want to be in a relationship where you have to take care of him for the rest of your life?" This man will be my husband from the first time I looked into his eyes I knew , I honestly think that that is what love is about....knowing that life has shitty moments and hard times, but being blessed to find someone who's worth all that trouble. Just by reading your post, I don't think you have to say anything. The next time someone asks you are you rethinking your relationship, just walk away.....they'll get the hint. You owe it to none of them to verbally explain your relationship. I don't know you but I can tell just by your words that your spouse is lucky to have you. I wish you all the best, things can only get better for you if you stick together!

Thanks! I can't explain the relationship that I have with Joey but what I can explain is that I never had anyone (out of all my ex's) who treated me the way Joey did..Now I'm not saying that our relationship was picture perfect, everyone has their problems..But he never cheated on me, he never disrespected me, and out of all the mistakes I've made in my 24 years of life he never once judged me and that is something I never got from anyone.
I love him more than words can say..and I'm not going to lie and say that after spending a week in a hospital that I wasn't "rethinking" our relationship..but that is something I feel I was entitled to and something he gave me an option for..he told me to leave and that he would understand...And I responded that there is no me without him and I wasn't going anywhere because I know hes strong enough to get through this and I still believe that he will walk again and I always will. He needs me just as much as I need him.
They say you never get over your first TRUE love and I never will because I'll never have too. I'm a lucky person to have found him even though we've been dealt a crappy hand. We're young and we're strong and we love each other. Why can't people see that? Why can't people put themselves in my shoes for one second? Would they be able to leave? And the sad part is they probably would but the truth is thats because they scared. I don't know this is something I can go on and on about but probably shouldn't. My conclusion is people who tell me to run, people who tell me to re-think it, are really just afraid for the simple fact if they were faced with this they don't think they would be strong enough to stand by...and it scared them and it makes them vulnerable to think about the people they care about in a different light or to think "if this happened to me would my wife/gf stay with me?" and it scared them because the reality is you won't know it until your faced with it.

OK enough! Somebody stop me! Lol

[Elmo]

Jenn2782,

"But because he became paralyzed I'm suppose to wish him the best of luck and go on my merry way. How would I be able to look at myself and not be disgusted?"

This is exactly how I feel and I have difficulty explaining that to others. Thanks for putting it into words.

[elisabeth]

I definitely agree that an SCI sorts the men from the boys. At the time of my injury I was dating someone who I had been friends with for four years, and he had expressed on many occasions that he was madly in love with me and would do anything for me. He was out of town at the time of my injury visiting family and couldn't get in contact with me when he got back so he called my parents number and they told him that I had basically shattered my neck and was in the ICU on life-support. He didn't visit until three weeks later, and then he visited once more three weeks after that and then he just stopped coming. Without even a goodbye, in spite of the fact that my sister explained to him that I was not looking for a relationship but wanted to stay friends, JUST friends, because we had already been friends for so long prior to my injury. I still never saw him again.

I discovered months down the track that before he came in to visit me three weeks after he discovered the "love of his life" was in hospital with a broken neck and on life-support he started sleeping with a mutual friend. Not just a drunken one-off, but quite a few times.

It really annoys me when people discover this and say that maybe he slept with her because he didn't know how to deal with my injury. I disagree. I just think he is totally devoid of emotion and, well, just didn't care. He's never apologised, and he never visited me even though he knew I was not expecting a relationship.

I am over it now thank god, but my confidence really took a beating and hence I do respect people who stick around when the going gets tough. It does make them a better person than those who run off in the opposite direction.

[percepied]

My girlfriend of three years left me after I was injured. She was there when I fell over the cliff, and I believe she experienced an "existential crisis". (As did I.) Although she has moved to another city, we still talk once a month. It helps both of us with our crisis.

I believe anyone experiencing a trauma would question everything in life particularly intimate relationships -- and suffer the answers greatly.

[elisabeth]

You're lucky you guys still talk, but it's sad it had to end that way. The thing that upsets me the most with this guy is that he knew I did not expect a relationship, did not even WANT a relationship. He just basically ignored me and started sleeping with this friend of mine, I do understand the existential crisis but I don't believe he had one. He was asked by a mutual friend at a party why he did what he did, and his reply was simply "well it's not like Elisabeth could anymore". It's not that sort of crisis, it took me a long time to realise that he actually just doesn't care.

[Rusulka]

I work in a hospital and you would think that would mean people would be more understanding of my relationship with a SCI? But apparently not! I think being around injured and disabled people makes them see the bad side of disability because thats all they see in a hospital....the bad side when the person needs help. They don't see the smiles we share, the late night conversations and they also don't know my guy! He is a very independent, funny, kind, loving man who is an ispiration! I had a nurse tell me last week...."darl I have a friend who married a guy in a chair and her life has been shit....and yours will be too.....get the hell out of it!.....remember as you both get older it will get harder and you will regret it......" I try not to listen to people but I am finding it hard to ignore these comments when they are constant!! My friends Mum (who is a nurse) told me that I'm a bloody idiot because I need someone to take care of me and he won't be able to. Excuse me?...what about taking care of myself? Is that why we get a partner....? Someone to take care of us? I'm sorry but I get mad because these comments not only get me angry but they put negativity into my head....Yes it is big committment but what relationship isn't? Everyone has a"diffability" of some kind....be it mental or physical. Some are just more visual than others. How about guys that bash their wives or go out drinking til all hours or cheat....should I prehaps break up with someone who treats me well and would never betray me becasue he needs physical care to be with someone who may belt me around? Would that be more socially acceptable??? Sorry I'm mad!!!

I love my guy sooo much but I can't deny that at the moment I am getting scared of the future..and its mostly becasue of what others say to me. I really really don't want to be scared about being with the person I love!! I suppose its more a question of my strength and capabilities more than his as I know he is strong enough to deal with anything!

Amen!!

[Jennii]

 juls, on Nov 9 2006, 07:08 PM, said:

I also hate the 'your a better man then me' comment, how rude!!! That would be like taking a look at thier fat, ugly wife and saying 'geez, your a better man then me!' You would never say that....we've always wandered how exactly, should you reply to someone saying that.....

It makes me angry and sad..especially when the people doing it are 'friends'

Agreed. Heh'.

This post has been edited by Jennii: 08 February 2007 - 04:58 AM

[Julian]

It's crazy but true. Most AB people who have never had to interact with anyone with an sci are completely floored by it. My best friend, who I have known for over 30 years reacted with amazement when I told him about my new love. He was all for the relationship at first and then when I told him that she was in a wheelchair and blind he looked at me as if I had just said that I was in fact from Mars and not the guy he had grown up with!

Another of my long time friends actually dropped a glass into the sink when I told him about my girlfriend.

But I know that our relationship is stronger than other people's bigotry. Its about two adults wanting to be together, not about how we "conform" to their so called standards. Even my mother has been "amazed" that we fly around the world together lol!