36 replies to this topic

[traci]

I'va had a few people ask me if I was going to stick around after my husbands accident.... I feel sorry for the spouse of the person asking. It makes me think that they would bail if something ever happened. I would be thinking I should find someone who loves me for me and not my body ( abled or not) if my husband asked a stupid question like that. Honestly as hard as it has been these past 4 years the thought of leaving him never crossed my mind.

[margaret]

I answer this type of question with this answer, "My husband doesn't let his disability define his life, why do you think it should define mine?" It definitely makes them think. Also, I have accepted the fact that there are people who are able-bodied, but paralyzed in other ways. They will always be around and ya just have to learn to deal with the insensitivity and rude comments.

[Deej]

I was 25 when I had my motorbike accident and had been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We were both out on our own bikes when I crashed, so he witnessed the accident, called the ambulance, stayed with me for 3 days in hospital, whilst I was completely out of it. As soon as I was conscious and able to understand what had happened to me and what the prognosis was I tried to get my boyfriend to leave me, because I didn't want him staying around because he felt sorry for me or he felt some kind of guilt at not having been able to prevent my accident from happening.

As many of you have said this kind of thing sorts the men from the boys and he stayed, we married 2 years later and will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary this year. I can say we have had the best time, and have tried not to let my disability stop us doing things we want to do. He still rides his bike and I would never ask him not to.

What I would say though, is after a life changing thing like spinal cord injury, some people can experience some change in character, and become bitter and twisted. I know I was depressed and didn't want to go out for a long time after I returned home, and that just wasn't in my character prior to the accident. If that kind of behaviour becomes the norm for them, then I think it would be wrong for their partner to stay in a relationship with them if they are unhappy. Relationships are two-way things that need to be worked on by both parties, and both people deserve to be happy. We only get one shot at life so you have to make the most of it.

Having said all that I think it is very thoughtless for people who purport to be 'friends' to suggest partners of SCI ar some kind of sant for sticking around.

[edlee]

What's the big deal here. Why should anyone get upset over a friend or relative asking a perfectly reasonable question? And why demean someone for realizing they can't handle a situation.

If you met someone at a club, started talking to them and then noticed urine running down their leg or a smell eminating from them, would you stick around? SCI changes your life.. Nothing is the same. Some people simply can't handle it. It doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't mean they lack intellect or compassion. It just means they are frightened by it.

Better that they leave early on than to stick around to make the sad realization later.

I was married to my wife for 30 years when my " problem" occurred. I think I know her pretty well by now. I know , without question, that this situation is abhorent to her. It's not what she signed on for. I love her now and I would love her just as much if she left tomorrow. It's not her fault nor is it the fault of the friends who no longer call. Disability is a hard mirror to look into and many can't take what they see.

I will appreciate the time my wife gives me and will miss her if she goes but will never hold it against her, or anyone else, for that.

Love is not owned, only borrowed. Don't be greedy.

[lune14]

Deej,

I liked what you described your relationship to be... it fits in with my "ideal" vision for a partnership. I have recently begun a brand new relationship with an AB man and although I have never had difficulty or anxiety introducing someone into my "disabled" life, I am finding this one to be mind-blowing. I actually get excited when he wants to discuss something SCI related. His curiosity excites me. We seem to have all the right makings for the type of relationship you have... and that elates me. (Plus he is extra darn handsome so I can't complain )

elisabeth,

Your friend sounds like a coward to me and I think he would have ended any relationship the same way if it called for him to actually consider someone's feelings in the process. Hmmm come to think of it, I think I dated one of him! LOL I'm sorry you had to go through that, I had a very similar experience at the time of my injury so I can understand mostly how you may have felt at the time.

I dated a man once who one day told me he didn't wish to see me any longer as he really felt he wanted a girlfriend he could jog with each day. I was definately disappointed but his honesty meant so much to me, I respected him for that. Most people find it easier to walk away, which is very sad. So much good can come from communicating your true feelings, even if they are heart-breaking to the other person, at least they can move on knowing they were respected enough for you to discuss their feelings with you.

[wheeliebear75]

Well you are unfortunatly NOT alone. All too often people are judged by how they look. There is a reason for the saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover". I've been in several relationships. Everytime (until now) they would listen to and take to heart the comments that other people made. I guess they just didn't love me enough for who I am. But life has a funny way of paying people back. Those same guys that didn't want to be with me just because of me being in a chair, are the same guys who will grow old ....ALONE. Caring for a person means caring about the person that is on the inside. Last time I saw my X-rays I'm pretty sure I did NOT see the outlind of a w/c just bones. I've got a great guy now. One who loves me for me. When there are places I can't go (like to friends' houses) he just dosnt go.....so I don't feel so left out. I know he loves me now and will always love me.....and that's 1 thing an AB won't know until it's too late; "will my sig other stay with me if I got seriously hurt?" Ha ha I already know I wont be abandoned(forgive spelling). That's something that your girlfriend won't have to worry about. When someone says something to you about her being in a w/c just say, "wow how sad for you, if ditching someone when the chips are down is OK and normal.....man buddy are you screwed when you grow old." People like that are why some disabled people have started useing a term TAB Temporarily Able Bodied. Guess what people don't stay young and verile for ever.

[elisabeth]

* edlee

"It's not what she signed on for. "

Um, may I quote something...

I take you
to be my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
to love, cherish, and obey,
till death us do part,

Unless you guys wrote your own wedding vows, yes she did actually sign on for what happened. I find it sad that you say the situation is abhorrent for her. If that's how she makes you feel then it's probably best if she does leave. No one should be made to feel a burden in this situation, and if you are with someone who makes you doubt your worth as a partner then you probably need to rethink the relationship as well. I don't know how much your self-worth has been affected, but it must be effective to some degree for you to use the word abhorrent.

Although it is my opinion that anyone who marries actually does sign on for the possibility of bad health, if she can't handle it she should admit that she has changed her mind. It is not for anyone of us to judge her for that, that is your choice and if you believe she should not be judged for leaving then so it should be, that can only be something between you and her.

Marriages end, it's something that can just happen for whatever reason and no outsider has the right to judge either party, so please believe me that I am not judging your wife at all. I'm simply saying that when one marries one does actually sign on for everything and not just a life of roses, as is reflected in the above wedding vows.

I might seem really harsh but I've just seen too many people, SCI and AB, stay in relationships that chip away at the self-worth of both parties.

* lune14

I don't think you and I are alone in our situations, and although I wish it were not the spinal injury which made me realise that I will forever thank the powers to be that I realised what he was like before the relationship got any more serious. A close mutual friend of ours had also explicitly hinted to me a few weeks prior to my injuries that he was considering popping the big question one day, so like I said I wish it were not an SCI that made me realise but I'm very lucky that relationship did not go any further. I don't necessarily believe that he was a coward because he ended the relationship, I believe he was a coward because he started screwing around on me the moment he heard what happened to me and never formally ended the relationship, he just left me hanging which on top of everything else I was dealing with at the time was psychologically excruciating (especially because I could not talk to anyone in my rehab centre because there was no such thing as privacy there). He didn't even try to salvage the friendship we had shared for many years before my injury. Nothing more than a coward.

I think it's going to take me a long time before I trust anyone again, not just because of what he did but due to various other reasons as well. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story with me, it makes me feel not so alone.

Also, just a question... have you ever confided what happened to anyone just to have them turn around and simply say " just forget them, you are better off without them." Whilst that is correct the pain still runs extremely deep and I have never been able to talk to anyone about it because everyone just tells me to forget and move on, easier said than done. I'm lucky I do not miss him romantically, for other reasons I doubt the relationship would have worked in the end (his lack of motivation for various things should have been a wake-up call to me earlier) so it is extremely lucky that I do not miss him, not one smidgen. But it still hurts. It still hurts real bad.

Edited by elisabeth, 13 April 2007 - 01:59 PM.