10 replies to this topic

[donought]

Hi- I'm new here but been in a relationship with my fiance for 2yrs now. He's a c6/7 and had his accident over 10 years ago. He used to live 100% independently and moved in with me and my kids about 2 months ago.
Recently he's had a cold, been very tired etc. and says that he needs more sleep (ie. til late morning/ lunch time) because he's a quad. He says that colds hit him harder because he's a quad. That jetlag hits him harder because he's a quad. I don't know whether all this it true or wether he's using it as an excuse to not do stuff - I leave home at 8am, back at 5pm and most of the time (99%) come in cook dinner, empty dishwahser, entertain kids, bath kids, tidy up, clean up etc.
Am I being taken for a ride because I don't see how someone who used to cook, clean, do their own laundry, shop etc. for 10years suddenly is incapable. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but don't want to be a carer (which he says he doesn't want me to be).

Any advice?

[juls]

Hi donought

Being a quad, you are effected more by colds as you don't have the same lung capacity as an able bodied person would..I think in general things do hit you harder, but if he was 100% independent before moving in with you then there is no excuse for him to slack off. It's very easy to stop doing things if there is someone around to do it for you...you become lazy!
Maybe you could give him a list of things to do during the day that have to be completed by the time you get home???
Sorry, wish i could help more

[LadyPilot]

donought, on Nov 23 2006, 01:35 PM, said:

He's a c6/7 and had his accident over 10 years ago. He used to live 100% independently and moved in with me and my kids about 2 months ago.
Am I being taken for a ride because I don't see how someone who used to cook, clean, do their own laundry, shop etc. for 10years suddenly is incapable. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but don't want to be a carer (which he says he doesn't want me to be).

Any advice?

From what you've written I'd have to say, yes, you are being used! I think you should talk to your Fiance and tell him how you feel.
Living life from a wheelchair is hard work and maybe because you don't like to watch him struggle you have unwittingly done more things for him than were needed and which now could lead to resentment on your half later on down the road.
Get talking and let us know how things get on.....

[donought]

Thanks guys,

I know we should talk more and we do most of the time, it's just that I don't want to ask him to do more than he's capable of and therefore make him feel useless. But in my heart I know he's also a bit lazy and I can imagine that it's quite nice having some respite after always doing everything for yourself and it being a bit of a struggle.
I will talk to him and ask him to give me some ideas of what he can do and then take it from there. I am starting to feel resentful already so we'd better get it sorted or else i will have to decide whether or not I just accept it.

Thanks, I really appreciate your views.

[ericck]

being a quad is difficult and hi s health does change.what things do u want him 2 do really, is it more around the house or would u like 2 b more outgoing and spontanious ?me personally i like a challenge every little thing i do is a triump,he must press hard everyday but sometimes u r just down.talk 2 him tell him u r not satisfied with his effort b stern tell him exactlly what u expect there r children inolved he should b insperation of what hard work can overcome.i like 2 hear people vent but the outcome helps us all tell us how your talk turns out.

[Apparelyzed]

Hi,

If he's been ok for 10 years, then the reason for change is either:

Social - i.e, he has someone else he feels can do the work.

Psycological - i.e, he's getting depressed.

Physical - i.e, there is some medical reason he can no longer do these tasks, such as anemia, increase of lesion level, thyroid.

I think the most likely reason is that he has just gotten lazy, as he now has you to do the hard work, and it's just easier to sit back than take an active part in chores.

Just start asking him to help out a little, reminding him that he used to be able to do these tasks.

I've been a c5/6 quad for 15 years, and although my shoulders may ache a bit, I can still do everything I used to, and am still finding ways to do more. It's suprising what you can do if you put your mind to it.

Quad's, myself included do feel the cold more than abled bodied people, especially with the UK winter drawing in, but it's no excuse for staying in bed. I get up, in my chair at 8.00am, and go to bed between 9-10pm.

If he's still refusing to help, get him to the doctors for an evaluation.

Simon

[donought]

Hi guys.

Just thought I'd touch base in case anyone was interested in my post and to say thank you for the replies I got. I have talked to him more and he is starting to help out and realise why i want him to help more. He's also quite down so we're working on ways to alleviate that by him getting out and doing more (unfortuantely there's not a lot to do where we live!).

I've also learned something about men, which i probably should have realised before now but......men need to feel needed, wanted, valued and then they will help out spontaneosuly. I realised this when I came home to find dinner cooked, candles on the table and a big bath waiting!!

He still has a way to go but something is better than nothing and i'm trying to appreciate everything he does instead of noticing the things he's not doing.

Cheers.

[Mary]

good for you......

[juls]

Hi donought,

I think that what you said is really wonderful..It would be great for everyone to appreciate what thier partner does, rather then focus on what they don't do!!

I'm so happy things are working out for you and are slowly starting to get better. It must be lovely to come home to a candlelit dinner and a hot bath

[AZ_PTA]

Hi, donought, Thats wonderful that you were able to talk to him and get things straighted out. Or at least on the way to being straightened out. I think that there is a bit of needing to be needed in everyone and that guys just have a harder time expressing that need than we do. Hope all continues on the right path!! And please keep us informed, we are interested!!!
Amanda