15 replies to this topic

[laura]

Hi all!

I had my sci almost 5 years ago now and haven't cried, got angry, got really frustrated etc regarding my sci and i. right close to the surface i'm feeling really upset however, i still am unable to cry,scream,basically do anything to release and show how i'm really feeling,even to/for myself. to be honest, i'm so used to hiding emotions that i really don't know how yuk i feel, i do know that it's bubbling up and coming to the surface fast.

i'd really like it, if poss, if people could say how they have/are coping/managing with all these feelings...i know we are all different and that my experience is different to yours and vice-versa but just maybe that's what would be the most helpful thing right now for me,to hear some of your experiences, to not feel alone and perhaps try out things that have helped you.

tried to explain as best i can at 4am, hopefully it makes a little sense!

best wishes and thanks,
laura

[LadyPilot]

laura, on Dec 1 2006, 02:57 AM, said:

Hi all!i'd really like it, if poss, if people could say how they have/are coping/managing with all these feelings...i know we are all different and that my experience is different to yours and vice-versa but just maybe that's what would be the most helpful thing right now for me,to hear some of your experiences, to not feel alone and perhaps try out things that have helped you.

tried to explain as best i can at 4am, hopefully it makes a little sense!

best wishes and thanks,
laura

Hi Laura,

I understand your feelings completely. I found for 365 days of the year I kept my feelings in check, but each anniversary in the early years I'd go all out to get drunk. At home, by myself. With nothing to hold the hidden feelings in I'd just sit and cry my heart out.
Now, I have no hidden feelings left to release, so I guess it must have worked for me.

[juls]

Hi Laura,

Well joining the forum will be a big help

I was the opposite of you...I cried all the time, I was sure I was going to rub all the skin off under my eyes! I was also quite angry, depressed and I became a bit of a hermit...unfortunately, I stayed like that for a couple of years. I was completely devastated

But..now i'm doing really well. I still have my down days, painful days and angry days, just like everyone, although I feel like there is more pressure on me now to be the bright, bubbly, funny girl that everyone is used to seeing.
So when I'm angry I work out or I play really loud heavy music and sing really loud. When I'm depresed I treat myself to something nice..depending on how down I am..it can range from a little bit of chocolate to a new top/make-up off the internet (lucky I don't get depressed to often )
On the days that i'm in pain, I like to meditate or hop on the forum and take my mind off it for a while!

That's why the forum is so good, you never feel alone with your troubles as there are so many people on here that understand how you feel and are always there to help you out

Edited by juls, 01 December 2006 - 05:29 AM.

[Lucky]

I'm C-4/5 inc and never tried to whinge, moan or cry. The only time I did was when I got drunk a couple of times.
I don't think of things too much and the fact that I can still walk makes me think I shouldn't moan but then hey, I lost alot too so sometimes a good cry to myself helps sometimes.
I'm still in Thailand with my mates and I sometimes feel myself watching them jump around and swim in the sea, get drunk etc and it hits home but I should be glad for what I still have I suppose.
Hope you feel better soon.

[miss piggy]

Hi laura
My brother-in-law has not cried or moaned. He has been sci for nearly 3 years now ,some days his a bit quiet .People are always saying he will one day.But my reply to that is Why .If he wonted to he would .I don't think that it's right or wrong to cry or have a moan it's up to the person .

[Jsec64]

miss piggy, on Dec 1 2006, 10:44 AM, said:

Hi laura
My brother-in-law has not cried or moaned. He has been sci for nearly 3 years now ,some days his a bit quiet .People are always saying he will one day.But my reply to that is Why .If he wonted to he would .I don't think that it's right or wrong to cry or have a moan it's up to the person .

Hi Laura

Its not easy for anyone and we're all different.

My family is my support - but I have to say I keep feelings to myself, being a bloke anyway. Pre SCI I was an ex soldier, very active and its hits home for me when I cant do the things I use to in sports - sitting and having to watch, or in fact asking my wife to dance. ( Not that I was any good at dancing anyway )

Those are the things I miss the most - so when I wake up in the early hours thats when I start thinking about everything.

Anytime you feel like sounding off and putting things into words give me a buzz - Best Wishes take care.

John

[Adrian]

I was quite fortunate in the fact that I got rid off most of the pain during the time I was in the spinal unit in the first year after my SCI.

I was feeling sorry for myself after just getting out of bed for the first time and realising how different things were going to be from now on. Things weren't going smooth with my rehab either, my right arm was fairly useless due to trauma/muscle wastage and I was getting skin problems that were leaving me in bed for days at a time. One day I basically had enough and one of the nurses, actually the ward sister at the time, saw that I was about to blow and spent some time with me to talk things through and gave me a hug etc.. I turned out that I talked to her for about two hours straight, I really opened my heart about how I was truely feeling inside (useless/frustrated/angry etc..) and had a good cry too.

After that I felt alot better in myself, up until that point I had tried to keep it all bottled up, I still had rough days but nothing compared to that. I also found that talking to the other people in the ward was a good way to sort out issues that I/we were having, I still keep in contact with two of the people that was there with me.

I've tried to talk to people about how I feel that are able-bodied, but by the time I've explained why I feel the way I feel about a certain point I'm even more frustrated than before.. So I don't bother trying any more.

Hope that helps..

[Joed]

I haven't cried about my situation/paralysis, but mine wasn't a sudden thing and I knew most of my adult life that continued degeneration was a very real possibility. I did cry, however, when I was in horrific pain......like a newborn babe, I did. I cried for my son, when early in my recovery process he expressed his own sadness to me about wishing for 'the good times, like we used to have'.

Like some others have stated above, I have my moments of sadness...I usually don't see them coming, but it'll hit me when I see a mother racing with her child in the park, etc. But I also have moments when it'll hit me just how blessed I am, to be able to sit in the bleachers watching my son play baseball or whatever. In those moments of clarity, I just breathe it in and savor where I'm at in that moment, because there was a time when I really didn't know if I'd ever be able to do those things again.

[laura]

thank you all for what you have said. i'm thinking a few things over tonight and will then come back and say some more...hope that's ok.

laura

[wheeliebear75]

L-2 4/28/1990 @14yrs
I guess it would best be described as a "Ripp roaring temper tantrum". I cried, screamed, and threw more than a few hospital trays. Oh and I told throngs of medical staff where they go for a nice warm vacation. I was pissed at the world that could still walk...but then I got some help from some folks that were already rolling through life. I couldn't be helped by anybody who had not been through something similar. That may have been partially due to my age and previous lifestyle. I was 14 and EXTEMELY athletically active. I was in martail arts, weightlifting, rackquet ball, skiing, surfing, and the list could go on; and the fact that life got stopped when it had only just begun had me in a real foul mood. But since the emotion of anger literally gave me migranes (I also had a TBI traumatic brain injury), I HAD to find a way to make peace with everything. I had to let go of any and all things that did not have a benefit to me. Bad or hostile thoughts caused physical pain to my head, and my back left me with enough pain to deal with that I could not releave. I did learn one thing though...everyone has the need and the right to have a heard of cattle stomp through their pasture. Especially when the fence has been broken.

laura, on Dec 1 2006, 02:57 AM, said:

Hi all!

I had my sci almost 5 years ago now and haven't cried, got angry, got really frustrated etc regarding my sci and i. right close to the surface i'm feeling really upset however, i still am unable to cry,scream,basically do anything to release and show how i'm really feeling,even to/for myself. to be honest, i'm so used to hiding emotions that i really don't know how yuk i feel, i do know that it's bubbling up and coming to the surface fast.

i'd really like it, if poss, if people could say how they have/are coping/managing with all these feelings...i know we are all different and that my experience is different to yours and vice-versa but just maybe that's what would be the most helpful thing right now for me,to hear some of your experiences, to not feel alone and perhaps try out things that have helped you.

tried to explain as best i can at 4am, hopefully it makes a little sense!

best wishes and thanks,
laura

[Captain Pike]

I'm usually a pretty positive guy. Since I've had my SCI, I have seen, for the most part, more opportunities given that I'm alive, then back when I was able bodied. That having been said, there are some days when I feel really depressed.

They gave me depression medication as part of my regime after I was out of ICU and began my rehab. I have since stopped taking this medication (with the advice of my doctor). In my opinion, one should feel some depression in a situation like this. These days, I'm in the business of trying to feel my feelings; to face facts squarely; to try to deal with life on life's terms. Sometimes I cry, feel very depressed -- I grieve my life as an able-bodied person. But what I have is real.

This weekend I went to a Christmas party. There were a lot of people there, some I knew well, some I didn't know at all. My wife and I have "danced" before -- me, spinning around and popping wheelies in my chair, as best I could to the music -- her, dancing like a regular person. This time, when the music started and people started to get out there to dance, I was definitely not doing so good. My wife was out there, dancing, and all I could think of was what I couldn't do. My eyes filled up, I felt sad. Then slowly, I started rocking a little, then, moving back and forth some. After little while, I was pretty much my old self again -- carrying on with my antics. We left early that night, that's just how it is.

For me, it's important to deal with this stuff as honestly as I can. I need to face this, and so do my friends -- the people I hang with. I think they need to see this for what it is too.

[wanting.that.newz]

Hey... for the first few months, when i realized it was really happening, all i did was pretty much cry, or just ask to be alone... until i got into sports, or realizing theres still stuff i can do! now, its all behind me... right now, im only 14, but if you really think about what you can still do, its all going to work out fine in the end!

[Survivor35]

This topic is interesting to me. I never really fell apart, I just accepted my injuries and "dealt" with it, or so I always thought. I'm approaching my 11th month post injury, on the 15th of this month, which means my year is rapidly approaching as well, and its starting to wear on me. This forum is the only place where I have found people who have any real idea as to what I am going through, and it is truly fantastic, but it would be nice to meet someone face to face, a support group of some sorts. The Rehab center I went to didn't have any other SCI while I was there, I live in a very rural area... I wish I had chosen to go to one of the SCI centers instead, but this was the only way I could even be remotely close to my children... thanks to a bastard of an ex husband... sorry, venting there.
The past few weeks have gotten horrible, and I'm starting to see what some of my friends and family were concerned about. They always said that I had accepted everything to easily, I had never really dealt with it, I had just pushed it to the side... I thought they were being paranoid... now I think they had a point...
Everything is such a 'ordeal'.... and I am a T6, which I know is so much better than most. I am pretty much independent, other than still not being able to drive which is horrible, but more than that, there is no spontanaity in life anymore... everything has to be planned out to a T... I fell trying to transfer into bed last night and smacked my head pretty good.... that was the topper on it all, I think.
My mom and dad are my support through all of it. They let me vent, and tell me when I'm being a brat and let me cry all over them if I need it, or if I just get quiet, they leave me alone. I do try to voice it all, but after awhile I feel like I am bugging them.
My biggest point? This forum has been my saving grace, so vent whenever needed, Laura. This is my biggest outlet.

[Captain Pike]

I can relate with the being in a rural area part. I'm "The Quadriplegic" in my town. People try to be nice. I'm always getting "hey, don't be breaking the speed limit with that thing", from complete strangers -- they want to say something, they just don't know what.

So I agree, for us folks living out in the periphery, this forum is great because it brings us into contact with "seasoned" survivors at similar levels of injury with whom we can relate.

I guess there is a guy living in the next town who is basically stuck in a nursing home. I should seek him out, go visit him. The only other people I see in mobility devices are like real heavy folks and stuff -- sometimes I get kind of mad. This one guy who has a bad ankle pulled me aside one day and said "I need a chair like yours, what you think?". He was just trying to be friendly. When I got it out of him that he can walk but slowly, I kind of blasted him saying "if you couldn't walk at all you want to get up and get out there and walk, that's what I think!". That was pretty mean, and saying it didn't make me feel very good, but that was my advice.

[Survivor35]

Captain Pike, on Dec 10 2006, 09:18 PM, said:

I can relate with the being in a rural area part. I'm "The Quadriplegic" in my town. People try to be nice. I'm always getting "hey, don't be breaking the speed limit with that thing", from complete strangers -- they want to say something, they just don't know what.

So I agree, for us folks living out in the periphery, this forum is great because it brings us into contact with "seasoned" survivors at similar levels of injury with whom we can relate.

I guess there is a guy living in the next town who is basically stuck in a nursing home. I should seek him out, go visit him. The only other people I see in mobility devices are like real heavy folks and stuff -- sometimes I get kind of mad. This one guy who has a bad ankle pulled me aside one day and said "I need a chair like yours, what you think?". He was just trying to be friendly. When I got it out of him that he can walk but slowly, I kind of blasted him saying "if you couldn't walk at all you want to get up and get out there and walk, that's what I think!". That was pretty mean, and saying it didn't make me feel very good, but that was my advice.

I had to respond to this, Captain. I understand the whole concept of others who just dont know how to react... all too often they just end up blubbering. I get the whole "your so brave, your so strong, just to be out and about...." Where am I supposed to be, my bedroom closet? And its not bravery, or strength, its necessity.

And I understand the whole nickname thing, too, I'm just the "chick in the chair".... some people. Grr... Anyway, not trying to hijack the page. Again, Laura, this place is a fantastic way to cope with all of it. God bless Simon!!!

[susiejt]

laura, on Dec 1 2006, 01:57 PM, said:

Hi all!

i'd really like it, if poss, if people could say how they have/are coping/managing with all these feelings...i know we are all different and that my experience is different to yours and vice-versa but just maybe that's what would be the most helpful thing right now for me,to hear some of your experiences, to not feel alone and perhaps try out things that have helped you.


best wishes and thanks,
laura

Hi Laura, good on you for naming the scary pain etc. That is brave. I find sometimes there is an absence of pain & there is peace; sometimes i find it's all dammed up & i am not anywhere near it & no way am i going to let anything come up AT ALL - although intense physical pain at these times can take the lid off & send me into uncontrolled sobbing, preferably on the floor; sometimes it's a trickle & something sets me off - eg i have found it so hard to receive other people giving to me (having always been the giver my whole life & my favourite place) so having to ask or rely or need or let people do for me, can sometimes hurt every inch of the way - although i get better through the help of some friends who demand i let in. There is almost a desensitisation here eventually although it's not consistent. Sometimes it is all so very tender & i feel resentful, agnry (that is a spelling error that implies agony & angry prob quite appropriate), sad, scared, lonely, limited, restricted. It is all so varied. Today i went to the funeral of my beautiful 90 yr old neighbour who has mowed my lawns since my injury & i haven't been able to stop crying. Sometimes brave & philosophical. For me meditation is the key & somethig i've done for 30 yrs but without it & my spirituality i would not have got through this stuff. My physical well being is so fragile often that i need my spiritual muscle to be very good to carry me through.
Emotional healing is a road of discovery. Times of peace & times of woe & times where the healing goes deeper & you find a place that you just wouldn't have been strong enough to go to any earlier. I have a great Dr at the moment who has SCI herself so she is very good at spotting where i am at & giving me a caring gentle shove forward into something important, even if it rips the scab off the emotional wounds & i feel shatterd for a bit. Like even joining up here, so very recently. Resist, avoid, rip scab, hurt, cry, grow, meditate, accept, love self ... onwards. Good on you, "use the force", it gets better, there is no other option really ( i hate misery), it's a lot of growing that happens on this road. You are definitely not alone. Take care, Susie