[Califanna]

How many of you out there, who suffered their injury due to another's neglience have made peace face to face with that person? Have you really been able to forgive? Moving on is one thing, but forgiving is another. How many of you?

[juls]

My car accident was my fault and I have still not forgiven myself. I thankgod everyday that my boyfriend wasn't injured or worse.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for people who have a sci due to someone elses negligence.
My brother in law was killed by a truck driver and I will never forgive the truck driver.

[daniel562]

yeah i really can't say if i've really forgiven anyone or even myself couse just like most regular teens it was a friday night after high school game went to out on a cruise to our local fair and we
were flyin (high as hell) and well on the way on the way back home the driver fell asleep and to make along story short i'm paralyzied now and he was locked up for a while; i was dealing with with i was going through him in jail and he just recently got locked up again and it's been to years since i've seen him, we write back and forth to eachother i said i forgave him or watever but i can't really say if i have or not i'd like to say i have forgave the whole situation but i don't know he asks if we could me and stuff and win that question comes up i sort of don't know wat to say

to meet or not to meet?

[htwhlz97]

Gosh that is such a good question. Well for me I'm kinda mixed. I had my accident while in Cancun and the driver who was a friend of mine was warned many times by many of us in the suburban to slow down cause we had a bad tire and we knew it. He just didnt, I remember his reaction and comments were "Hey guys leave the driving to the driver". There were 9 of us and his wife was sitting twinkie ( which is in the middle, 4u who dont know). I was seating in the passenger seat and his wife was 8mo pregnant. After we blew out our tire and lost control because he was driving 90 miles and hour (which is 140 kilometers) and flipped several times some of us were ejected, I was not.

The person behind me, a BIG fella was ejected and broke my back on exit. The drivers wife who also stayed in, lost her baby 3 days later. I know the driver just didnt have my injury on his shoulders but had a wife that he will have to live with forever (unless they divorce, which the havent).

I had a really hard time with being angry with him, he lost his baby and that seemed so much worse than my injuries and I'm sure the guilt was so much worse, that adding to it seemed unfair.
I did talk to him while I was in the hospital, after he was let out of a mexican jail for causing the accident. He was feeling remorsefull and just seemed like he was in shock so he never said I'm sorry it was my fault.

But soon after when we were going to court he denied he was driving that fast and kept the talk to me as small talk like how are you feeling, you look good. I know it was a way to block out the hurt and the guilt he was feeling then to just admit, apologize and move on. We've never spoked again.

I forgive him but I guess every blue moon I get angery with him. This is all interesting, because we are having our 20th high school reunion and this will be a feeling that will be resurfasing soon especially if he goes. I am going and many of my friends in high school do not know about the accident, and I dont know if to say that person caused it all. Would it be wrong of me?
Does it really matter who was at fault? It is what it is..............I dont know!

This post has been edited by htwhlz97: 06 December 2006 - 11:29 PM

[LadyPilot]

Califanna, on Dec 5 2006, 05:30 AM, said:

How many of you out there, who suffered their injury due to another's neglience have made peace face to face with that person? Have you really been able to forgive? Moving on is one thing, but forgiving is another. How many of you?

What timing for this Topic.

Today is the 25th Anniversary of an accident that shouldn't have happened.

Yes Ive moved on, I can't change anything. ( Bitterness destroys the person who is bitter, not the person you are bitter about.)
No I will not forgive the woman responsible, But I believe in what goes round, comes round.

Long story short. I went to a local riding stables to see if they needed any horses excercing. I was a capable rider. I was told I could ride a horse that was at livery, because the horse was too much for its rider. It had not been ridden for two weeks so expected it to be 'fresh'. I had ridden it the day before and been thrown off.
7th December 1981 (The year of the Disabled and 40th anniversary of Pearl harbour) I went back and rode the horse for a short while when a groom came to see how I was getting on and then she said," we've all been told not to ride Topaz, because she's too dangerous."
Seconds later the horse went berzerk and the rest is history. It was later shot.

Anyway back to do I forgive. The woman showed no remorse, she didn't even phone the hospital to check if I was still alive. When at a later date I won compensation from her she sent a poison pen note with 'Money for nothing' written on it.

But as a direct result of the accident, she lost both the business (insurance refused) and her marriage. Good enough for me!!!

Tonight Im going to Celebrate with a bottle of southern comfort. Im going to drink until I fall out of my chair, I shall probably cry my eyes out too.

[Mary]

[quote name='LadyPilot' date='Dec 7 2006, 06:09 AM' post='24015']
[quote name='Califanna' post='23864' date='Dec 5 2006, 05:30 AM']

But as a direct result of the accident, she lost both the business (insurance refused) and her marriage. Good enough for me!!!

Tonight Im going to Celebrate with a bottle of southern comfort. Im going to drink until I fall out of my chair, I shall probably cry my eyes out too.
[/quote]


Aye Aye Lady....i loveeee that drink....have a glass on me.....

[juless]

I hope your night turns out OK, because it sounds like a very painful memory. You are in my thoughts.

[susiejt]

Califanna, on Dec 5 2006, 04:30 PM, said:

How many of you out there, who suffered their injury due to another's neglience have made peace face to face with that person? Have you really been able to forgive? Moving on is one thing, but forgiving is another. How many of you?

It's all a journey & full of surprises & reality checks & discovery of new levels needing healing & sttention. Sometimes i feel peaceful in myself but never been peace face to face with the Osteopath who cracked my neck so badly & repeatedly that horrid day that he ruptured the disc & sent it & the endplate of the vertebrae into my spinal cord, causing SCI. I rang panicked the next morning as i couldn't even lie down (agony) & was having terrible trouble even breathing (25 yrs of meditation technique prob helped keep me alive) & experiencing showers of pins & needles all over & loss of sensation. All he ever wanted to do, even after he saw how bad i was, was to recrack my neck, he offered several times! He said he thought it would all settle down of its own accord. He was in complete denial. We are now in the legal battle & he has done things like rewrite his Clinic Notes (badly), make up that i was already like it when i came in to see him for treatment. Can't forgive someone willing to sell their soul and who retains no integrity or common decency, even when they have professional insurance.

One finds one's own peace & i leave him to his journey and process.

[juls]

Hi Susieit,

I'm so sorry about the circumstances of your sci....i was just wandering if it was you that was on tv and in the mags talking about the grose incompotence of your therapist?

[LadyPilot]

juless, on Dec 7 2006, 06:48 AM, said:

I hope your night turns out OK, because it sounds like a very painful memory. You are in my thoughts.

Thanks, it's no longer a painful memory anymore. Perhaps I should thank her for everything Ive achieved because of her actions. All the lovely people Ive met along the way Id never have met otherwise and that includes my husband, plus you guys here.
Ive even had my own fifteen minutes of fame.


susiejt said

Quote

One finds one's own peace & i leave him to his journey and process.

I echo those sentiments...

[susiejt]

juls, on Dec 7 2006, 07:04 PM, said:

Hi Susieit,

I'm so sorry about the circumstances of your sci....i was just wandering if it was you that was on tv and in the mags talking about the grose incompotence of your therapist?

Thank you (does that imply you may know / be a therapist / some personal connection or empathy)? No it wasn't me, when was it & what - can you remember, i'd be interested to suss it out. Have done lots of TV etc in my previous incarnation but nothing since injury & overnight career loss & nothing on the injury & issues (so far, although i have been tempted rarely - privacy factor though & emotional cost). One thing that really concerned me was when i met the Neuro Registrar at the Hospital the day before surgery & he explained that he saw 4-5 patients each week who needed surgery after a bad cervical manip, rare as serious as mine & mostly arteries/veins torn in neck. It shocked me to think that there is a major public health issue which is invisible to us. I thought i was doing a good thing for neck care by going to an Osteo (went out with one for 5 yrs so heard the good side & not the medical concerns side) but alas yes he was grossly incompetent on that day & in his reprehensible after care. I had been going to him for yrs when it happened & thought he was gentle & good, but it only takes an off day for terrible outcomes when cracking a neck.

[icarus_melt76]

LadyPilot

Hoist a few for me too. We'll all be with you in spirit.

Icarus

[mulepower]

I have come to grips with the situation i'm in,some days better than others. It doesn't take much though to be left in tears as grief sometimes becomes overwelming as i'm sure everyone on here can relate too. I have forgiven the two guys the best i know how but i still question a juvenile court system that allowed a maniac to be on the loose as an adult. Justice was served though and i did face my attackers in court. I often rationalize what happened by reminding myself all along this was going to happen,whether down the road or whenever and what happened to me won't happen by the hand of these guys again.

[htwhlz97]

Mulepowere you mean someone attacked you and you ultimately cant walk because of it?
If this is so I would think forgiving would be alot harder than most. Some injuries are accident, and we really dont hear to many that are straight out intentional. I'm sure that was tough.

[Survivor35]

I think forgiveness for myself has been my challenge. I was injured in an MVA, I wasn't driving, a close friend was. We had both been drinking, way too much apparently, and somehow he lost control of the vehicle... I cant remember it, or two weeks leading up to it, due to multiple head injuries, and he didn't make it... there weren't any other vehicles involved, thank god.
The doctors wouldn't let my family tell me who had been with me, in fear of how it would affect me emotionally, early on. When they did finally tell me, their voices reeked of anger towards him. I have worked on them, the fact is, I am an adult, I chose to get in a vehicle with someone who shouldn't have been driving, but damn, I shouldn't have been driving, either. They were mad at the bartenders, but I cant harbor a grudge there, either. I've tried to make myself responsible for my choices, they were mine and mine alone, and my family and children have gone through hell in the past year adjusting to all of it, after the initial war of helping me even survive it.
Then there was the survivors guilt that I have worked through... as I said, he didn't make it... but I did. There was a big "why" around that for a long time, but I'm working through it. I get mad at myself, a lot... maybe that will ease with time, and I can finally forgive myself.

[Batman47]

I was bullied into going back to work on the roof by my boss, a sub contractor. He called me a pussy for not wanting to walk on the end of 2by4's over hanging the wall attached to 2by12's. We were told to notch the 2by4's nailed on the side of 2by12's 1 1/2" raised so we could lay flat 2by4's on the top of the 2by12's running in between the 2by4's as the pitch was only 1/12 traveling crossways so the plywood had solid lumber under the 8 foot seam for snow load. The 2by12's were only long enough to reach 1 1/2" of the top plate.

The 2by4's were added for the over hang which was a usual 28" or so.

Knowing the 2by4's were notched, by me, as ordered, I wasn't going to walk out on them and bend over to nail one end of a 2by8' heavy from water and frozen 12' long.

So I climbed down and refused to do it without a ladder or scaffold, so the boss said if you don't do it, you’re fired.

I took my nail bags off and said ok, later. Just then the boss, around 120lbs or so jumped up on the wall and walked out on these 2by4's and started bouncing on them and called me a pussy.

In 1985 it was a tough time for construction in Oregon, and needing income badly I went back up and bam, while bending over getting ready to nail the facer, reaching with my left hand for my hammer to my right side, the 2by4 broke on the left, and I fail, striking my head on a four foot concrete retaining wall in the corner of two condos which had not yet had a wall built atop separating the two dwellings.

There was a black 3" pvc pipe sticking up through the concrete retaining wall which my head hit first and basically guided my head right to the footing. The pipe would be enclosed in a wall housing wires for a light on both sides.

My attorneys proved the contractor, Century Twenty One Builders, not the sub contractor, McDonald Construction changed to lumber required by the specs and his foreman (my boss) and his brother initially testified in a deposition to my attorney that Century Twenty One changed the lumber but by the time it was time to go to court, they took the fall and somehow managed to acquire considerable assets, so I settled out of court and my Oregon work comp attorney told me I would get $289,000.00 out of $750,000.00 in front of two brothers working for me at the time. I got $112,000.00.

My attorneys in California wrote off $24,000.00 I owed then and issued me a check in the amount of $20,000.00 in 1986.

Work comp pays my attendant care and medical. Years ago I settled my loss wages for $90,000.00. I receive SSA and VA disability.

I was promised $10.00 an hour but my first check; 30 days later and in the hospital reflected $8.00 an hour.

The blame for my injury was without a doubt due to bad judgment on my part but the rest, well you decide.

Have I for given my boss or his brother for screwing me for monetary gain, no. It was done on purpose for greed. Do I hate them? No. Would I help them if they were starving? Yes.

Do I respect them? No.

Do I give a rat’s ass about them? No.

Was I screwed by a dishonest Oregon work comp attorney? Yes. Do I care anymore? No.

Do I believe what comes around goes around? You dam right I do.

[juls]

susiejt, on Dec 7 2006, 10:53 PM, said:

juls, on Dec 7 2006, 07:04 PM, said:

Hi Susieit,

I'm so sorry about the circumstances of your sci....i was just wandering if it was you that was on tv and in the mags talking about the grose incompotence of your therapist?

Thank you (does that imply you may know / be a therapist / some personal connection or empathy)? No it wasn't me, when was it & what - can you remember, i'd be interested to suss it out. Have done lots of TV etc in my previous incarnation but nothing since injury & overnight career loss & nothing on the injury & issues (so far, although i have been tempted rarely - privacy factor though & emotional cost). One thing that really concerned me was when i met the Neuro Registrar at the Hospital the day before surgery & he explained that he saw 4-5 patients each week who needed surgery after a bad cervical manip, rare as serious as mine & mostly arteries/veins torn in neck. It shocked me to think that there is a major public health issue which is invisible to us. I thought i was doing a good thing for neck care by going to an Osteo (went out with one for 5 yrs so heard the good side & not the medical concerns side) but alas yes he was grossly incompetent on that day & in his reprehensible after care. I had been going to him for yrs when it happened & thought he was gentle & good, but it only takes an off day for terrible outcomes when cracking a neck.

Hi Susiejt,

I have no personal connection. It was on tv and in the mags only a couple of weeks ago...i talked to my Mum and she thinks it was a chiropractor that broke this girls neck.
I'm pretty sure my Gran still has the mag. If you'd like me to send it to you, I don't mind at all

[htwhlz97]

Batman, Thats amazing you lived to tell about it. You seem ok with it all now. I think the forgivness of ourselves is the hardest. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone.

[Adrian]

Initially I was bothered by this question, but after what happened I've changed my mind - I'll explain the situation.

I was knocked off my motorbike by a woman who didn't see me when she was pulling out of a side road. Fair enough, people make mistakes, but as I was lying on the road seriously injured she didn't even get out of her car, she was totally un-injured, to get help for me.

Then, after she was arrested by the police she was totally evasive to them investigating what happened - not even confirming that she was driving the car.

When I was in hospital I didn't have any contact from her, I wasn't expecting anything to be honest but a card saying she was sorry wouldn't have been too much trouble considering.

After I was out of hospital, after 11 and a half months, I tried to track down what happened in the case against her and I was told the case was droped on a technicallity. What the technicallity was I never found out - so she got away with paralysing me for the rest of my life without even a driving charge against her. After hearing that, if I was able, I would have quite easily given both her and her husband a good battering - just one more thing to frustrate me.

After hearing that I got hold of a compensation solicitor for damages, I didn't start proceedings earlier as I needed to concentrate on getting better whilst in hospital. After a further two years the case was settled, still no apology - nothing. At this point I was still very cheesed off that this person had fundamentally changed my life and still had not had the common descency to apologise!

The reason I say all of that is that after about 6-8 months after the court case was finished I heard a story on the local radio and TV that this woman had been strangled by her husband. I double checked and it was the same name, but after a few checks with other peole I found out it was the same person(I had my accident less than a mile away from my home). The husband was sectioned in the local mental hospital where after about two more months he committed suicide. The downside of it all is that they had a child who now has no parents.

Who knows what caused that sequence of events is any ones guess, I feel very sorry for the kid they left behind but not for the woman or man. That maybe heartless of me but not once did they show any remorse towards me and infact in there dealings with the police the opposite was true.

The one saving grace about all of that was that it forced me to let go of the whole situation. I was really angry with the whole situation, and it would have ended up consuming me entirely, but with the main person responsible dead I was/am able to get past it and live my life.

[Batman47]

Its hard to understand why people can be so shameless, so meanful and down right ruthless. These people sound like they may have been mentally insane and your incident may have brougth it to the surface. Its good you can put it behind you and keep your energy for yourself. That's the key, to suffer hardships, enduring our plight with dignity, there just isn't any energy available for those who no neither love or have compashion for another.

Bless you.

[LadyPilot]

Adrian, on Dec 8 2006, 08:12 PM, said:

When I was in hospital I didn't have any contact from her, I wasn't expecting anything to be honest but a card saying she was sorry wouldn't have been too much trouble considering.

I was still very cheesed off that this person had fundamentally changed my life and still had not had the common descency to apologise!

..... but not once did they show any remorse towards me and infact in there dealings with the police the opposite was true.

Adrian, your experience echos mine. The woman in my case made all her grooms withdraw their statements to the police about the horse being dangerous!

I rarely give the woman in my case a second thought now. I'm glad that you have been able to move on.