5 replies to this topic

[kerrie]

I have a very sad story to tell about my cousin - I really don't know what I can do to help him and have been reading day and night on this site to educate myself to try to understand better. I hope someone out there can give me some advice.

My cousin suffered a spinal injury 29 years ago while playing rugby league. He was running with the ball with his head inflexed (chin on chest) when he hit the hip of an opposing player coming in for the tackle. He was diagnosed as a complete quadriplegic at the time and told he would never walk. A person more motivated to defy the odds I have never met - he spent the following decade training constantly - from water therapy to progressing to riding a trike to eventually standing unaided and walking with the aid of crutches and sometimes even just a walking stick. His condition was later reduced to incomplete quad - I know from his Xrays it says c5/6 but I don't really understand what the term means. He has spent the last few years driving a taxi for a living (equipped with specially designed brakes etc) and survived his trauma with an extremely positive attitude. He has lived with his parents and they have shared the day to day care of him.

Recently he suffered an unbelievably cruel setback. While taking a short journey to the shop in an electric scooter, he hit an up-raised hump on the footpath which diverted the chair on to the road and in the path of an oncoming vehicle. In the hit both his legs suffered numerous breaks and fractures and he has endured 3 operations. I always assumed lightning could not strike in the same place twice but it has happened. Just as he was trying to come to terms with this dreadful setback in his rehabilitation, his father passed away. His mother is very elderly and walks with a walking frame and I know that he is terrified about the future.

He and I are very close - our family is very small and our fathers only had one child each - he is like a brother to me. I have volunteered to help with his care but I live over an hour away and have three children to care for. I also have a home with 15 steps to the door. At this point I dont have much more to offer than love, but I am willing to learn what it takes to help care for him. In the last few weeks I have learned to help with transfers, empty catheters and give his extremely swollen legs and feet rub downs to help with circulation.

Last week we had an appointment with home care for them to assess his situation. He asked me to be present so that they could see he had some support (albeit part-time) To cut a long story short, home care decided they could help him but there would not be help available upon his discharge from the spinal unit due to a long waiting list and he may have to go into a home until that care becomes available.

Emotionally, this decision has destroyed him. Over the last week I did notice his mood was very sombre, sometimes bitter and one of total frustration. In all the years of his paralysis I had never seen him so down (I was a small child when he had the original accident so I really cant remember him prior to his injury). I really should have read the signs of his depression but I didn't. I foolishly assumed that the depression that was emerging was to be expected with the letdowns he was forced to face (again!). Last week while still in the hospital he tried to take his own life and was very close to being successful. He was rushed for emergency surgery and is now in the intensive care unit.

Now when I visit him all signs of that motivated happy-go-lucky person in the face of adversity have vanished. He believes he has nothing to live for. Any topic we discuss turns to him saying he'd be better off not here. I have no idea how to best handle the situation or how to help guide him back to the positive outlook he had always possessed. Can anybody offer me some advice on what I should do and say to help him? I talk to him every day either face to face or on the phone and I am terrified of saying the wrong things.

Kerrie

[wanting.that.newz]

Hey...I just read that! im so sorry to hear that! im 14, so im not completely sure on what to say, but im sure you could try this...

1) If you leave, who will show us what life is really about? you show us that everyday by being as strong as you are!

2) you are the most amazing person in the world. you took both of these things into your life without notice and you lived through them! you proved life is worth it!

I'm not really sure what those will do, but i was told them after my accident and it was only this past april... so... i hope that does something. Also, here's 3 words i was given...i have them painted on a wall in my room and i have a really cool painting with the words faded into the sky...Faith, Belief, Chance. Tell him those 3 words and tell him to think of what they really mean!

bye byes xx

[juls]

Hi Kerrie,

I've lost 2 Uncles and a few friends (one at the start of the year) to suicide. It's incredibly hard to deal with and you have to make sure that you have help in dealing with your cousins depression, with such alot on your plate already, the burden of this will wear you down.

I say 'burden' because that's what it became to me, with my friend. Every time I went to see him I wasn't sure if he was going to still be there or if I would find that he'd taken his life. I became a nervous wreck.
I and other people had many talks to him, but I realise now (in hindsight) that we wern't equipped to deal with his problems or situation and, against his wishes, shouldv'e seeked professional help.
This is what your cousin needs.

You seem like an amazing person who is doing absolutely everything that you can and who really cares for your cousin. I hope he realises this.

Sorry I can't be of more help......maybe if he had a look at this forum and had a bit of a chat to people on here, he might realise he's not completely alone and although there may seem like there's nothing to live for in his eyes at the moment.....there is always something around the corner worth living for.

Love Julie

[kerrie]

Oh thank you so much for your kind replies! I really thank my lucky stars that this site exists.

Julie, thank you so much for your thoughts and you have been more help than you realise. I told him today about this site and said that when he is well enough I will teach him to use a computer so he can interact with others. He thought the idea was great! He was amazed that such a thing exists and I really hope that this might give him something to strive for.

I understand what you mean about him needing professional help and the hospital has been wonderful; providing round-the-clock supervision of him (which he resents at the moment but will probably understand the necessity later) and the services of a psychiatrist (whom he calls "the quack", but seems to like). I guess the problem for me is that although the Doctor is working with him, I fear undoing any progress made by not knowing the right things to say. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have a chat with the doctor about this.

To "Wanting that Newz" - thank you so much for your reply. For a 14 year old to offer such words of wisdom literally brought tears to my eyes, what an amazing person you are. I will definitely take your advice and share the words with him.

Thankyou once again to both of you; I can't say how much I appreciate your help!

Kerrie

[wanting.that.newz]

Hey...It's not a problem! Aw, I am kind of amazed it brought tears to your eyes... I hope he does well, and this site is a miracle! My brother showed me it once... he was looking stuff up so he'd understand it better and he got me hooked up with it, so it'd be a great idea to have your cousin on it too! Thanks for saying I'm amazing...it's nice hearing that from people sometimes! Reply back! Here is my email as well if you would like it sweetie!

queen_of_everything14_24@hotmail.com

you can email me anytime, or if you have msn messenger feel free to add it! xx buh byes xx

Also, my name is Sarah if you were wondering, sorry I didn't leave it on the pervious reply!

Faith...Belief...Chance

[itsjustme]

Hi Kerrie,

Tell your cousin that there is a worldwide community of us here waiting to get to know him and offer friendship and support. One thing is for sure-there's never a shortage of shoulder's to lean on here.

Tell him that I SAID "Things won't always be the way that they are today." When those days come when he feels like giving up, the break just might be around the corner and if not that one on that day then maybe the next one, and if not that one, just hold on because you know that it's coming sooner or later. After all when you are at the bottom, when you feel like there's nothing left, there's no where to go but UP! Right!?!

And Kerrie, you are a sweetheart for being the loving support that you are to him. It is a huge commitment to offer to take on the care of someone in such need. My family has made huge scrifices to help me so believe me I understand what you are going through. God bless you.