11 replies to this topic

[Lucydog]

We've been visiting my mum for Christmas, and dont get me wrong I love her to bits, but she and everyone else just smother me. Everything I try to do she changes, 'to give me a break'. When I try to discuss it with her she says she is trying to give me a break because I have so much to cope with. It really drives me nuts. Im about 12 again and I do resent it a bit. We have already had a few arguments and Im ready to pack my bags. Everyone else I meet treats me like this to, like Im some sort of saint or paragon of virtue!. Beleive it or not Im just the same as everyone else with the same hopes and fears for the future. I just cant get them to see me anymore. Thats how I feel anyway. She doesnt seem to understand that we come to see her not judge the food or presents. I couldnt care less if we had beans on toast for 5 days. I cant get any decent conversation out of her as she 'doesnt want to be a burden or any trouble', so all we do is end up talking about the food she has bought. She just tippy toes around me like she never did before. Im not someone who gets worked up quickly infact Im as easy going as they come. But she is just making me very uncomfortable and creating tension.

I know most people tend to have more difficult relationships with their parents as they get older but for me it seems to have deteriated since SCI and I dont think its going to come back. Ive talked to her til Im blue in the face, but she will never concede that perhaps ahe isnt helping afterall.
Just having a festive grumble,
cheers
L

[Texaswheelz]

Yeah i know the feeling, while i don't really have a akward relationship with anyone, when it comes times for the family to get together for things, suck as xmas, my dad annoys the hell out of me. regardless that i've now been injured for over 16 years, that i lived on my own for 8 of those years and with my wife the other 8, he still tries to do everything for me.

Soon as i get there he ask if i want something to drink and unless i say yes, he continues to ask if i need something every 5-10 minutes. If i go to the kitchen on my own to get something to drink he follows and tries to get around me to do it himself. He pretty much smothers me and makes me feel like i'm about 4 and can't do anything at all for myself.

[cdngrl]

i am excluded from my parents xmas because i can't get in... my husband and my son have xmas with his family at our house and my parents come over to open presents but this year my father didn't bother to take off his coat ... things to do he said i am seriously thinking about not having them back next year.

[itsjustme]

Hey Lucydog,

I had to come back home and live with my mom when I became paralyzed because I lived in a small older mobile home which in no way would accomodate me in this chair. I'm an only child so you can imagine! My mom is 85 years old, is barely getting around on a walker herself after a stroke took most of her mobility last year and is still totally compelled to try to take care of me.
Anytime she sees me starting to get something she immediately tries to get up and wants to know what she can help me with.

I have realized one thing in our case. She was still working when she had her stroke last year. She was a People Greeter at the front door of our local Wal-Mart, a position that she'd held for 15 years, and she worked the day before she had her stroke. She was still driving and independent. She's lost a lot in the same way that I have and when I do let her do something to help me, she still feels needed and I guess that her ever present maternal instinct is fed.

When I became paralyzed almost 3 years ago it was harder on her than it was on me. She was the one who cried. I didn't. So, I've tried to ease up on her a little and instead of constantly making her feel like I don't need her, I'll just let her help me sometimes and it seems to make her feel better about me and herself too even when it's annoying to me.

I do thank God for everyday that I still have my mom with me.

[rkzenrage]

My family does not know, most of my Christmas was horrible, a nightmare for me.

[DaveP]

Lucy - As I see it, you are 50% responsible for the relationship you have with your mother, so you're 50% responsible for allowing things to get to where they are. Had you sorted these issues out with her sooner, you wouldn't have them today.

Sometimes we just say nothing and let things go as it's less hassle to say nothing, as opposed to facing the issue and battling your corner. This only means the problem hasn't been sorted and the other party doesn't know you don't agree, so carry on with the assumption that we agree. Is it their fault? Not really - it's out fault for not making our views and opinions clear.

If you want to be part of the solution, you must first accept you are part of the problem!

[Lucydog]

Oh Dave, so harsh..... no I totally disagree with you I am not the problem here. My mother has to be the most stubborn person in the world, has been seriously ill and still wont listen to anyone. Last year she endured the pain of a strangulated hernia despite the fact I told her for 2 months that she needed to see someone urgently. by the time she got to hospital as an emergency admission her bowel was gangrenous.
So am I the problem? No I am not. I have a loving mother who wont even let me make a cup of tea. And yes I have discussed, told, ranted, asked, cried and suggested...its called banging your head against a brick wall.

Seems several people agree with me anyway, so maybe we are all half the problem.

[DaveP]

Hi Lucy - I didn't intend it to come out sounding harsh... sorry!

[rkzenrage]

Sorry you are dealing with that Lucy... hope it improves and she sees you for the blessing you are.

Still bed-bound from Christmas here, been pretty-much alone the whole time. The pain is getting to be nearly unbearable...

[brackman22]

It doesn't appear that things are going to change lucy. You have 2 choices as I see it. Keep banging your head or accept the situation as it is. That is the only thing you haven't tried as of yet. As hard as it may be, give into the wall. See what happens. You can always start banging again.

Brett

[sandyrun]

Lucydog, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're half the problem to me. Sounds like you just have a smothering mom. Has she always been the smothering type? Has she always been one to not listen to reason? Do you feel she is doing this out of love? From my perspective, so many people feel that SCI people can not do anything for themselves. When, in fact, I believe that most SCI people want to be as independent as they can. Some people just cannot see or accept that. Is it just human nature for people to want to help those who cannot help themselves (in that person's view, not in reality)? I lost my mom and dad 4 1/2 months apart back in 1993-1994. Although my mom and I were not that close, I do miss her. I was closer to my dad and a daddy's girl, so I miss him horribly, still. I hope you can find some resolve with your mom as you only have one.

rkzenrage, sorry for your pain. I am not SCI, but I do have horrible pain. I have polio, post-polio, scoliosis, fibromyalgia, chronic pain and fatigue, etc. To make it short, what little I was able to do for Christmas, put me in bed the day after with swollen face, eyes, legs, feet, etc. and pain, pain, pain!! I will be resting the whole weekend to try and recoop. Every year, I can do less and less. Actually, I can see myself able to do less and less all the time, not just the holidays.

Enough on me. I feel for everyone with pain.

[Shiraz]

Happy New Year to all of you “helpless people” Lucydog that’s exactly how our fellow family members see us, grounded with a dead date hanging on a calendar, and you know what they do, they try all means to do their part. I think when they do all this things is not about us, but all about them, they want to go to sleep and thank God for giving them strength to care for us, and most importantly that they are the one who are there to care for us when we need such. To the history books of life that will be written about us, it will be how much they cared and loved, I say they should go on with their life as we also go on with ours, we are able bodied which can achieve anything that we want to, anything we put our mind to like any of those who does not have physical challenges, of course some them posses more than we beauties have “STUPIDITY”

Guys, I have enjoyed new year’s eve at my house where is only Me, Myself and I, I can tell you, it was better than having my Mother going on about how I used to be flexible before my injury, I tell you now, she is amongst people I do not favors at the moment. Please do not start saying your Mother, are you crazy, because I am not, since I found that I am a better person off without her indulging in my affairs. Especially that she thinks that she is the one responsible for me, not my partner as she is my Mother, and you know why I prefer my partner than being stuck with her, is because She (Partner) treat me with respect like she used to before my injury. She does not treat me like a two year old kid, I mean even that age command respect where is due. Through this experience I have been able to make sure that I wake up everyday knowing I must sort the Bed out when she is out to work and prepare my own breakfast, that’s a normal relationship.

I allowed her to go and visit her Mother for the last days of the year 2006, since she skipped Christmas to be with me, since I have a wound in my foot, which grounded me in the Bed cause my leg pains were aggravated as the result, you how its like when you do not have sensation, you can only observe, wishing only if it was paining directly wound.

Thank you God for this beautiful friends, and please keep them healthy and alive for many more years to come. Hey we are expecting a Baby Boy; now you see anything is achievable hope it become a lesson to all of them that we are able…………..!WELCOME TO 2007

Edited by Shiraz, 01 January 2007 - 02:05 PM.