[Debra]

after seven years with my husband, he is a quadriplegic after being hit by a drunk driver while driving his semi making a living.

I already cried on this site but for some reason I couldn't post it.
Fact
I need help!!! he won't explain to me he has this macho attitude going on but in the middle of the night he has night mares because he remembers every detail of this accident.

What medication is he suppose to be on nothing is working, or is it normal what he is going through.

June 18th 2006 Father Day was when this accident occured I haven't left his sight, no support from anyone brothers comes and helps him balance for awhile now that were home. Family in denial and I am just his second wife.

I am CNA and I have cared for him to prevent from getting bed sores so far we have been lucky. I was with him 120 days in hospital and pretty much did everything for him there except dispense medication attended all rehab sessions so that I knew how to do his ROM's and there to fix staff screw ups.

I have had a few blow outs with him and feeling really quilty he seems not to want to take responsibility to do something on his own I have to ask or think for him and wanting pain med all the time which last night was a fight then I stay up all night crying in a cornor feeling guilty for being so cruel. He leaves it up to me to do everything and I spend all day pushing him to do it.

I keep telling him he needs to move him self to prevent lung issues but i sit and watch him lay still for about 3 to 4 hours until I get so frustrated I move him (roll from side to side) and scream until he does some excersises and my nerves are shot.

I don't know what is normal for this condition

Someone please send me some suggestions

[Izziwhizzi]

Gosh Debra!!

You are all in the very early stages of getting used to this new chairbound life and it seems like you are getting the raw end of the deal.

Normal for this condition is that he has to control his life and at the moment it sounds like he is opting out of it. He is very able and at the end of the day it is he and not you that has the responsibility that he does his exercises, pressure relief, keeping himself occupied, enjoy life etc. Yes, maybe you help him to do that but it is his responsibilty. Sorry it sounds like you have been too soft since his injury & you to get a lot tougher to enable him to cope with his new life.

Make him take responsibility for something, e.g. do the food shopping and be quite strong if he cocks up. If there no milk in the house he can't have it in his coffee, even to the nth degree - you can go out and get a meal for you, but if he doesn't do it his only option is to eat up the contents of the tin cupboard.

Like everything in life if things are continuously handed to you on a plate, then you don't bother to do them and become lazy. Lazy with pressure sore care is a crime on his behalf.

Keeping the pressure sores at bay are very important and if the only way to keep him moving is to take him back to hospital to talk to a patient with sores or embarrass him infront of a medic on a check up - then it may have to be done.

I have 2 young kids and everything works on priviledges around here. They have to be good (keep their toys tidy, do homework etc) to get the nice things (priviledges) in life. These are not toys, comics or sweets or things they don't need just experiences they like such as going out to the park, having a story in the afternoon, swimming, cinema. In a simplistic way you'll have to start doing this. The more he does and takes responsibility for the more enjoyable things come to him - i.e. you'll have more free time to be with him to help do the good things.

Hope this helps

L xx

[Lucydog]

Hi Debra

sounds like you need a break to me. First you need to start being cruel to be kind. Sounds harsh I know but he has to start taking some responsibility for his life whether he likes it or not. Id suggest you start popping out on your own for an hour or so. meet a friend for coffee or something. He'll be ok. He may hate it, but you are not a servant and you need to stop feeling guilty. If he gets a sore, its his problem not yours although its best avoided, he has to learn to take care of himself. In the long run you are not doing anyone any favours by looking after him like this. He is a grown man and must make manly decisions.

If you read the postings here you will see many people here have all sorts of abilities but we all have in common, I hope the desire to get on with life and make it the best we can. He must learn to do the same.

take care and put your feet up

cheers
Lucy

[AZ_PTA]

Debra, the nightmares are probably from Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My friend, Ashleigh, who was injuried in a car accident, had/has problems with this. I have another friend who has a spinal cord injury related to a car accident who passed out the first time she got back into a car after her accident. Its common for people with traumatic accidents to develop PTSD. Is he seeing a therapist on an ongoing bases? Some medications need to be altered because the body becomes used to it. And him having someone to talk to, wouldn't hurt either.
As for you doing it all, I am the first to say let him do it or let him lay there. Because he needs to learn to live with it, that is true But I think in this case there are some issues that need to be delt with first. I think that this is a huge stress for a couple to go through, especially with one becoming the full time care giver of the other. Get him settled for an hour or two and go out! You need some ME time....It won't hurt him to be by himself for 2 hours. Or if you don't want to leave him alone, find a homehealth company and hire a caregiver for a couple of hours. I don't know where exactly you are located but in the states there are all sorts of levels and help you can get. And it might be expensive but you just have to ask is my Mental health worth it??

Hope all goes well, and don't forget we are right here for you and your husband!!!
Amanda