[AZ_PTA]

How old is your son?

[ParaforGod]

My daughter was 18yrs old when my accident happeded and at first she wanted to be right with me and do everthing for me well its been 6yrs and shes tired. She has had to face so much and give up alot. Im in the hospital alot and she hasn't had the freedom that her friends have. I know it hurts when your child says something hurtful and mean to you. I was in a Ultra light plane crash and oh how many times I've heard if you only hadn't got on that plane. The thing is I know she loves me and would do anything for me. She has proved this time and time again but I feel guilty sometimes because I can see the fear of so many things unanswered for her on her face. She deserves to get married and go on and live her life with out having to worry if I'll be ok. At times when we dont know how to handle things or we might be afraid or things might just be different we sometimes react in a way that is hurtful even though we dont mean it. Your son is young. He may feel that he did something to cause you to be in a wheelchair, I would just talk to him and show him unconditional love as I know you must already do. I will be praying for you and your family. God Bless

[Tonyc5/6]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation paddy. Have you ever tried playing games with him such as board games and mock football? I have a 4 yr old step son myself, one who we both feel we are real father and son. Right now he is obsessed with football so we'll go outside and act as if we are running for touchdowns. We each get a chance trying and of course he always wins. Many times we just chase each other around playing tag for hours. oard games are fun to. Pick a game you both like and try it. Have you tried talking with him and seeing what you could do with him?

[AZ_PTA]

Okay, because he is six you need to remember that logic isn't going to work with him for the most part. Some times it does and sometimes it doesn't. Anyways take the anger emotion out of the fight and look for the cause. He is a little boy who sees other boys playing with their dads and he just wants to play with his dad, and he doesn't really understand why his dad is different. So I would sit down with him with you and your family or your support system and try to explain it to him in terms he will understand. In a calm, soothing voice-if he raises yours DON'T raise yours-explain to him that daddy's neck was hurt, and daddy has to be in a w/c because he can't move like other people. You really have to keep anger out of it. If you get angry or if he gets angry its not going to work. Just step back and when everyone is calmm, try again. Once he is done with any questions he has, and he will have quesitons for all little kids have questions. Ask him what kind of games does he want to play with daddy and than modify them so you can play. I don't know what your limitaions are/ what you can or can't do but no matter what kind of w/c you can play tag with him, you can get a group of people together and play a modifed game of some sort with a ball with him sitting on your lap-if you can tolerate him sitting in your lap. If he likes to read, have him sit in your lap and hold the book so you can read to him. With him turning the pages, than you have quaility time with him and he feels like he's "helping" his dad out. If you are able to roll in bed, get him up in bed with you and roll around with him, tickle him, make him laugh. I think what he is really looking for is quaility time with his da.
I hope this helps!!
Amanda

[brookelynn628]

Hi Paddy. I'm sorry to hear that your son is having a difficult time adjusting. Obviously, this is a big change for everyone in your family. I agree with AZ PTA that maybe the family should have a powwow. hisamsmith had mentioned in the Show and Tell thread that she talked to a class about her injury using a phone cord. She cut the cord, then taped it back together, and called the phone with her cell. She was able to demonstrate to the kids that the message wasn't clear. Maybe you could try a "Simon says" type approach. Before cutting the phone cord, speak with your son via the phone and tell him "move your arm, clap your hands, jump." Then after cutting the cord, he will see that it is hard to hear your instructions, just as your limbs don't get the messages from your brain. On some level, he's feeling that he's not experiencing father-son things that his friends are doing with their dads. Make the most out of the activities that you do together, and make sure he knows it's special to you. Maybe letting him know that your activities with him are something you enjoyed as a child will help build a bond - as a little girl not having ever met my grandfather, I always wanted to know what games and sports my dad played with his own father. In any case, I truly hope that things get easier for you all.

[scasey]

paddydfireman, on Jan 10 2007, 01:36 PM, said:

thaks well to day i tired to help him with his homework but he want mad at me and said that mam will help me and now my two other kids will not come near me its such a pain

Wow, it sounds like it was a rocky day in your household. Sorry to hear about it.

For some reason, my son was always harder this way than my girl. Actually, he still pretty much is. (He's 12, she's 8). (I'm the Mom). I tried all the preplanned big family discussions, but at that age, they just don't listen. What finally got through to him was me just finally getting emotional, and telling him that he had hurt my feelings. Which was true. This seemed to hit home with him and make him want to make me feel happy. Then I was able to talk to him a little bit about the disability thing. At this young age, lots of times it's just one little step at a time. You are still the parent, and you need to try to see it through their eyes. He's not really angry at you, he's just confused and feels helpless. This little guy will love you no matter what. The trick is to keep your cool, and help him out of his meltdown. Just like any other parent and six year old! Good Luck!

[AZ_PTA]

Its going to take time, Paddy. He is only six and is unable to wrap his mind around something so big at this time. Why don't you guys try something different and stop trying to explain things to him. And just establish a daliy routine for you and your family. Give yourself some time to establich it and to settle into it. Make sure you TRY to spend time with you son. If he doesn't want too, don't force him but make yourself avalible to him to do something. Once he wraps his little mind around the stituation, he'll come around. I think this is a case of just needing love and showing him that.

[snappy]

AZ_PTA, on Jan 14 2007, 11:55 PM, said:

Its going to take time, Paddy. He is only six and is unable to wrap his mind around something so big at this time. Why don't you guys try something different and stop trying to explain things to him. And just establish a daliy routine for you and your family. Give yourself some time to establich it and to settle into it. Make sure you TRY to spend time with you son. If he doesn't want too, don't force him but make yourself avalible to him to do something. Once he wraps his little mind around the stituation, he'll come around. I think this is a case of just needing love and showing him that.

It's really hard paddy. Our son was 8 and our daughter 6 when my partner had his accident. My partner's always looking for ways to play with them mostly on the computer. Sometimes it's things their friends say that trigger them off. Kids are cruel. I like them to know that we think it sucks sometimes too.

[georgie]

Hi

My daughter was 4 when my hubby was injured and went through a phase of wanting a new dad so we could go to places and do things that the wheelchair can sometimes put a restriction on. With time and patience, she has come round and regained her self confidence that disappeared almost overnight. It has been just over 3 years since hubby's SCI and it has only been in the last 6 months we have seen the change in her.

We found that inviting her friends round to play/dinner (only 1 at a time) has helped her to build better relationships with her school friends and move on.

At this age, children can be confused by their feelings. Let your son have a little space and come to you when he needs something. This may help him to show that you are still his Dad and are always there for him.


Georgie

[DaveP]

Paddy? have you ever thought that maybe it's you that's the problem, not your son?

I've read all your past posts and I can't help get the feeling that you're very set in your ways, and everyone else seems to have to fit in with how you think and how you want things done.

On several occasions you've asked for advice and people have given it, and you've decided to go the total opposite direction (ie your own way coz you know better!) and then it seems you can't work out why things seem to be so confused, so stressed... Could it by you Paddy?

I'm not here to give you a hard time. I have nothing to gain and nothing to loose. I've made the effort to ask a touchy difficult question in the hppe that it may provoke some different levels of thought in you and hopefully help you discover the answer to your problem, as I'm a firm believer that if we want to be part of the solution, we must first accept we are part of the problem.

If you're one of those Irish that have been brought up on the old rules, the good ol' standards, then you need to have a think about how these ways conflict with how kids are being brought up today. it would be interesting to hear your comments...

[Izziwhizzi]

Nobody can be a perfect parent, but if you want some good tips on raising boys then this is a great read, tetra dad or no tetra dad.

Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different - And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-balanced Men (Paperback) by Steve Biddulph

just over a fiver on amazon.co.uk

Helps you do some good things with them, what changes hormone levels make as they grow - these start under 5 so be prepared, and what boys want from their parents. I read it first when my boy was a baby and its still a good read and valid now he's 7! You have to remember we only get out what we put in.

Good luck

L xx

[Andrew Meddings]

HI PADDY WHEN I HAD MY ACCIDENT MY SON WAS 6. HE ALWAYS TRIED TO DO WHAT I DO HE QUICKLY LEARNT HOW TO WHEELSTAND A CHAIR. HE TRIED DOING TRANSFERS NOT USING HIS LEGS, WE HAD CHAIR RACES ECT. HE IS NOW 13 THE AGE WHERE ALL OF A SUDDEN PARENTS KNOW NOTHING & THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. BUT WE DO LOTS OF COOL THINGS TOGETHER.
WHEN I TAKE HIM TO THE FOOTBALL WE GET TO SIT ON THE SIDLINE ECT, WE GO GO KARTING 4WDING & MOTORBIKE RIDING TOGETHER. BECAUSE OF HAND CONTROLS HE WAS ABLE TO LEARN TO DRIVE AT 7 YRS. HE IS NOW O EXELENT DRIVER CAPABLE OV HOOKING UP & REVERSING A SEMI TRAILER.
SOME OF THESE THINGS YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DO BUT MAYBE IF YOU USE A ELECTRIC CHAIR TOW HIM AROUND IN A BILLY CART , LET HIM USE YOUR CHAIR, RACE HIM ON HIS SCOOTER OR BIKE, FOOTBALL USING YOUR CHAIR. ALL THAT SORT OF STUFF IS MUCH MORE FUN THAN HOMEWORK. HE NEEDS TO SEE THAT YOU MIGHT DO THINGS DIFFERENT BUT YOU CAN STILL DO THINGS WITH HIM
IT IS IMPORTANT YOU BE INVOLVED IN HIS LIFE
REGARDS ANDREW

This post has been edited by Andrew Meddings: 20 January 2007 - 11:56 AM

[bigsmiles]

Sounds like you made a good start

[AZ_PTA]

paddydfireman, on Jan 26 2007, 12:33 PM, said:

ok today my son said he was sorry and made me a card we had a great day he was off school and we stayed in bed and watched dvds when he started to ask me about my accident but i cant tell him i cant bring myself to tell with out crying

try telling him a little at a time. the fact that you can't talk about it with out crying means you still might have issues with your accident and need to work them out. just my 2 cents. and crying isn't bad!! no matter what you father said about men not crying. it is simply a human way of releasing emotions and to hold them in the body creates tension that the body does not need. do an experiment and tell your story to yourself when you are alone, if you cry, so what!! its your emotion and you are the only one there. it doesn't make you less of a man or less of a person. I don't like to cry in front of people but it doesn't mean I don't do it. Anyways, practice telling your story to yourself until you can handle it just enough to tell it to your son. It's a good step for him to ask, I think you need to step up and tell him. Even if he sees you cry. Its not going to make him think you less of a man!! Hope all contiues to go well!

[snappy]

paddydfireman, on Mar 2 2007, 08:19 PM, said:

ok i have told the son about my crash and he thinks its cool that someone crashed into me it was a bit hard to talk about it but i did so im happy with myself

Kids, they have a knack of reacting the opposite to the way you expect, I love them, they're so honest!

[Bulky]

My son was four and I was 35 went I got ill. It'll be three years in August, hasn't time flown! I'm back at work, started playing sport (wheelchair rugby) but most of all, I've slowly reintegrated myself into my family. Let's face it, it's a new lifestyle!

I reckon a good "thing" is working out activities that are Dad and son only (like us - we play Pokemon & Xbox together and mum is never allowed to play these). Make him able to feel like he can help with things that relate to your disability (I'm in a manual chair & if I need help with a push whilst out shopping, it's his "job"). He loves helping and doing things to assist me.

As the major male influence in your son's life, you gotta be strong. You show him that you give life the best you can and he'll keep recognising that his dad is the best in the world.

It's not all smooth sailing being a disabled parent/partner, but if you give-it-a-go rather than giving-up, you'll succeed in whatever you put your mind to.

[AZ_PTA]

paddydfireman, on Mar 2 2007, 01:19 PM, said:

ok i have told the son about my crash and he thinks its cool that someone crashed into me it was a bit hard to talk about it but i did so im happy with myself

I'm happy for you paddy!! I'm glad you where able to do it!!

[Mary Reopelle]

[font=Microsoft Sans Serif[size=5] My name is Mary Reopelle i have 3 children 29,20,17 my 17yr old was born after i was a par and my 20 yr old was 7month old my 29 yr old was 9 and was really angry wouldn't have anything to do with my chair said it was part of he's life and ect. But give him time he will adapt kids have to take time as well as we do when we end in chairs. If you want to talk my e-mail samba_boots@hotmail.com Please i have been par for 20yrs. Thank you Mary

[Illinois Boy]

I was 24 when I had my accident, my son was 2 and daughter not quite 1....So all they ever knew of me was in a wheelchair....... Except for home movies where I was carring them around on my shoulders, swimming with them, etc....

I do remember my daughter giving me shit when she got about 5...... When my wife wasn't home and she did something bad, she would go upstairs so I couldn't get to her....... Pissed me off BIGTIME!
Needless to say, when her mother got home - she got her Ass Beat! Not that it did much good.....
My son was always very helpful and supportive......

I don't know what to tell you, Sometimes they need a good Ass Kicking......
He might be pissed he lost you, the way you were? His Loss........

Good Luck!

Jim