[bigsmiles]

Hello to you all

I knew from the start that things would be different , that i would be the giver if you like and thats fine- start as we mean to go on and all that. We went out a couple of times when we first started out together and that was lovely and thats it no more since. Ok this is the general picture- Im a single parent and live in a first floor flat so obviously he can't visit so i go to him-no problem there. I work five/six days a week so when i get my break during the week i pop by and visit and also when i can im back there for a few hours at night. The weekend comes around and after seeing my girl off safe at her dads im there again overnight with him and we watch a film and chat which is nice - but thats it we never go out anywhere. We talk openly about most things and what he says is that hes happy to stay in ALL the time and im happy hes happy and he doesn't have a problem with going out he just doesn't like going out anymore? Ok now his mum does the shopping and his sister the cleaning and now his 17 year old unemployed son has moved in hes happy sitting in with him for company , so what he tells me hes great, hes happy, his life is sorted. Ive told him i need more from this relationship even just a little in return for me would be nice and he understands this but nothings changed. I think he has become very complacent with his life and in his mind this is as life is suppose to be for him now and hes excepted it this way, am i making any sense? We both drive so we could meet in the day or go out the odd evening-even once a month would be a start but nothing..."when are you coming round" thats all i hear from him. Im the most patient person you could meet so going out and about at his own pace, transfering in/out of the car is not a problem i just want to have some enjoyment out of life as im very sociable and outgoing. When i go out i go out alone now or have dinner with friends and their partners minus mine-he says "i can't ask you not to go out so have a nice time" so i do go because i want to go and keep contact with the outside world and my friends.I read all your posts on here about what all you guys get up to- going out-sports -holidays and i think whats wrong with us, hes not depressed or anything , hes happy. So thats that really, ive tried and tried can't do anymore, i need something for me no matter how much i love him the reality is i cant carry on just visiting as thats no relationship. Is there anyone out there since their sci that thinks like that too? anyone who never goes out?

[juls]

Hi bigsmiles

I was like that for about the first year..I took awhile to come to terms with my situation and went from being a real party girl to a hermit...I refused to go anywhere with my boyfriend and so, he had to go alone.
Thankfully it didn't take me long to realise what I was missing out on and that included doing fun things with Andy..not just sitting at home..again...and watching another movie!

These days the only reason i miss out on something is if i'm REALLY unwell as i've found when i'm in lot's of pain, getting out and having a laugh takes my mind off it straight away.

I started with baby steps though...a quiet park for a picnic, the beach on an overcast day or a resturant on a Monday night etc...anywhere that's less crowded.

I thank Andy for the person i am today..he sat me down and told me that he was stuggiling to be with me as everything we enjoyed doing he was now doing alone..he felt like he had lost 'ME'..that's when i realised not only how selfish i was being but life was just passing me by why i sat on my butt and wallowed in self pity.

I think you really need to explain to him that a realationship is two sided..so what if he doesn't enjoy going out..you do, a relationship is all about compromises and give & take so both parties are happy

julsxx

[QuadMedic]

well said .... it is time he dragges his butt out of the "comfy zone" he created himself ...... wow why not enjoy it with you!

[girlracer]

I have a tendancy to get 'lazy' and just want to stay in my 'comfort zone' but I've just got to beat the side of my brain that thinks that is right and get out there!
I don't have a bf nor friends that live close-by but I'm not gonna let this wheelchair stop me from being part of the world!!!!! (I'm not in the lazy mood at the moment)
Drag your bf out of his nest... bring him to the cinema... or if that is even too much, go for a long drive... he's got to realise after a while that the world is there for the taking... and he has you always there with him!

[russ1]

I'm sorry but this sounds like an unbelievably one sided relationship. You have every right to expect more from him and the SCI has nothing to do with him being able to make an effort. There's no excuse for his attitude - was he like this pre SCI? You deserve equal consideration in your relationship. Having an SCI means he has to make a bit more effort to do things which might excuse not doing stuff as often as a non SCI but to do nothing is inexcusable. Sit him down and tell him straight.

[bigsmiles]

russ1, on Jan 13 2007, 09:25 PM, said:

I'm sorry but this sounds like an unbelievably one sided relationship. You have every right to expect more from him and the SCI has nothing to do with him being able to make an effort. There's no excuse for his attitude - was he like this pre SCI? You deserve equal consideration in your relationship. Having an SCI means he has to make a bit more effort to do things which might excuse not doing stuff as often as a non SCI but to do nothing is inexcusable. Sit him down and tell him straight.

Yes the word selfish comes to my mind. I didn't know him before his SCI but from what he's told me he was never home, loved to travel, into keep fit and loved a pint in the local so im not sure why the big change now. Well ive kept away this weekend, been out with friends and feel much better in myself! Ive decided that if things don't change quick then im walking away from this relationship and if i thought for one minute that this was about him not wanting to face the world then i would be behind him 100% but its not a SCI issue. Anybody would think i was asking the world but just to go out once in a while surely is not much to ask....whatever happens theres plenty more fish in the sea! P thanks for the replies.
Sarahx

[DaveP]

It's very easy to fall in to a "comfy" routine, especially when some one else does everything else for you - shopping etc. There's no real need or necessity to go out or do anything - just need to get good at asking other people to do things! TV takes over and you get into the soaps and other series, and your day ends up being mapped out by what's on TV.

Next time he asks you "When are you coming over?", tell him you'll meet him in the pub or somewhere like that. Have a drink or two, then go back to his, as normal. Or, arrange to meet up some where and take him out to do something mad and fun - don't tell him, just meet up some where different and go do something different. A night of boxing or other sporting event... He'll no doubt whinge and moan, and try to get out of it, but be pushy with a big smile and don't take no for an answer!