6 replies to this topic

[zeta]

My sons 9,7&3 got used to their dad running everything after my injury. Now one year later I'm trying to take back my authority. Its not working. They don't listen, sometimes I'll answer their question and they stand there looking at dad waiting for him to answer. They don't come when called. Dad has talked to them sevral times. Ive talked to them....... ranted raved and even cried what am I doing wrong? Please help someone must know.

Zeta

[tmclarty]

Hi Zeta,

I just read your post, and I feel bad that no one has responded to try to help you. I am new to this site and relatively newly injured, but hope I can be of some assistance.

My husband, too, had all responsibility thrust on him after my injury. Our children are 17, 13, and 7. The kids were a tremendous help to him while I was in the hospital, but the youngest did get used to listening to Dad for quite a while. When I came home, many times when my son would ask his dad for something, my husband would tell him, "Go ask your mother." This way he was "forced" to put me in a position of shared authority. I think my situation never got quite as problematic as yours, but if your husband could maybe try this, hopefully it might help a little. It may take several times, but if your husband refuses to give him an answer, and he is made to come to you for one, he cannot help but think of you as "decision maker" also.

I know it's been a while since your original post, and I hope that things have gotten better for you since then.

Regards,
Tara

[Joed]

Thank you Tara, for bumping this up...my computer was down when zeta posted this, and I haven't caught up to all the new posts yet.

My son was 3 at the onset of my paralysis...he's now 7. He did test my authority from a w/c early on, and they learn quick that Mom doesn't always feel like following through, especially when there's pain involved.

He's at the age now where the mere mention of being grounded from his Gameboy is enough to elicit better hearing from him. It's amazing how that works...who would've thought that a game could improve one's hearing?

Ah, the power!....it almost makes me giddy.

You may have to change your particular style of disciplining....if you have a young one who refuses to stay in the 'time out' place, and you can't physically keep placing him/her there, then taking away a privledge until they do stay put on their own may work.(?) Counting to '3' worked wonders for me...and I'm still getting some mileage out of it.

Initiate/delegate fun activities or chores....if they see you making the decisions from the start, it may be more natural for them to defer to you.

I know each child is different in how they respond....my son is a 'show me' kind of kid....he will challenge me every time to see if I mean what I say....and it's turned me into a bit of a hard arse, I suppose. He once refused to pick up his toys, and I said, 'fine...I will pick them up then. But you should know that each toy I have to bend down and pick up will be going into the trash bin, never to be seen again." And you have to mean it too....it nearly killed me, but I only had to do it once.

However you choose to do it, just be consistent...and persistent, like a dog with a bone....it'll nearly wear you down at first, but the payoff will come.

I wish you well....let us know how it's going.

[essexscipilot]

My brothers kids are just the same and he's AB'ed could this just be kids being kids?

[John Anderson]

Let me see if I can give you a little spill on this issue...

Since you mention that your brother is having the same issue, I can't help but think it might just be a kid thing that we always go through. Growing up, I'm sure all of you guys have a parental figure that you just like better and just connects to more and willing to listen and communicate to. I know that my nephews are the same way. With my cousin, the boys don't really listen to the Mom but of course, they favor their dad since their mom seem to be the bad cop in the family.

I guess it's just how we are when were younger, just favoring anything from the different kinds of ice cream to our parents.

But of course, eventually we all come to know that we love both of our parents very much

[zeta]

Thanks to everyone. Tara said something about forced responsibily, so I tried something that ended up working really well. Now that I have removed my head from my behind and stopped feeling sorry for my self I found I could do alot of work arond the house. So I sent my husband to our room for a week while I handled everything myself. I can't remember how many times i ended up counting to 3, threatening loss of Gameboys or for the 3yo loss of his fave spongebob dvd, but by the end of the week I was boss again.

Now I pop some excedrine and wonder why it was so important to do so while my husband smiles and says "Go ask mom".

[edlee]

I am so happy that things have turned around for you. My posting advice wouldn't have helped much, since my kids were 23 and 28 when I "got my chair".

Besides, they were always more afraid of Judi than me anyway. She always knew what they would miss most and so had an advantage I never fully figured out.

This only reinforces my beleif in the value of this forum. Please stick around, we all have something to contribute.

ed