[rubytuesday]

I need some help. My husband is a t4 para. When we married he was pretty much self sufficient. Now truly, he is dependent on me for everything. If I do not give him food, he does not eat. He has huge open bed sores, but will not see a Dr. he is depressed, and takes everything out on me. I am no angel- i yell scream, break things... i am pissed I have given up every dream i ever had to be with a man who now pretty much hates me. The resentment on both our parts is huge, and seemingly insurmountable.
He does not see the pressure i face knowing if i do not feed him, he will not eat, it is to the point i can see ever bone in his body. If i do not take care of his pressure sores, he will die of infection, all the while i work a full time job, do the house stuff and so forth.
He is abusive, and seemingly crazy. He bites me, slaps me, pulls hair, and then says it is self defense... who will believe me? he is in the chair. The sad thing is, I know he believes this. He is on so much medication, i think he may be insane, fentynal, vicoden, valuum, blood pressure meds marijuanna. He calls me every name in the book, and is viscous. Why dont i leave? because i know he is dependent on me for everything, and if i go... he dies. This is no way to live. I try to be kind, empathietic, but what about me? I will never have a baby... I will never have a husband who is even kind. Last night after making him dinner, without even looking at it, he said, "what is this? you expect me to gain weight on sh#@ like this? ( It was beef stew)
We could agree to live seperate lives, but i cant go one hour without him needing me. All i want is to be appreciated. Is that too much? and... if i do leave him alone, he stays in the back bedroom until he is so sick he needs to go to the ER..what do i do?

[rubytuesday]

something else...
As I said I am no angel. I am frustrated to death, and have said HORRIBLE things, I wouldnt even tell GOd unless he didnt already know how evil i have been in word to my husband... Sorry cant make it up...
what do i do? all the while, taking his abuse, verbal and physical...
I am soooo sorry for what i have said to him....

[sandyrun]

Dear Ruby Tuesday - my heart goes out to you. And I do understand where you're coming from, just not to the same degree. I respect your staying with your husband. BUT, what about your mental, emotional, and physical health? Stress can, and possibly will, make you sick. It can make you depressed, it can affect your eating habits, it can cause high blood pressure, etc. I do not have an answer for you, but you DO have to think of yourself, as hard as that might be for you to do / accept. I know it's hard for you to see your husband "self-destruct". I do know, as you mentioned, that meds can cause so much themselves. I saw my mother and ex abuse meds to a degree, but seemingly not to the extreme that your husband has. You mention you stay because if you leave he will die. You do not say that you are in still in love with him. He has you feeling sorry for him, and more responsible for his well-being than he himself is. I can understand the feeling sorry for him. I still find myself, nearly 3 yrs. after divorce, feeling sorry for my ex. It's very hard to let go of that feeling.

Have you spoken to your physician about this?
Have you spoken to your husband's physican about this?
Have you spoken to his family about this?
Have you spoken to your family about this?
Have you spoken to close friends about this?
Have you spoken to a minister/clergyman/etc. about this?
Have you thought about temporarily placing him in a medical facility, at least long enough to get his meds and weight regulated?

Like I said previously, I do not have an answer, but one thing you are going to have to do is think of yourself in some way.....his self-destruction could, in reality / in time, kill you, or at least destroy your health. Without your health, what would you have / do?

P. S. I believe everyone deserves love and happiness. We will only live this life, as we know it, once. And in case you haven't received one in awhile......

[Glor]

Hello rubytuesday,

I HAD to reply to your post. It is the first time i have EVER read an exact description of the situation i was in many years ago now. Without re-telling my whole story (i've been on this forum for a while now)

Firstly let me say i soooooooo understand the dilemma and pain and frustration and confusion and complete exhaustion i hear in your post. I am sorry that you are in this place.... it must be the hardest place i've ever been.... the only thing that is harder is where HE is at!

Please accept also that there are so many issues here and this is not a simple solution, no matter what anyone says.

Besides feeling like a part of me is being exposed again by your post, i want to offer you support and love and anything i can do. You are welcome to PM me if you want.

On a practical level....you have to start considering the fact that the ONLY thing that will ever allow your husband a chance at survival on his own terms is if you leave him.....sounds harsh, but the bottom line always is....and i say this from love and experience.

I hope we hear from you more....there are a LOT of loving people on this forum and i know they will come to this party.

Glor

[LuckyinKentucky]

Hi ruby
My situation was much like yours, but I was the highly medicated, self destructive, ass. Once you start this it can be a downwrd spiral of retaliation, resentment, and misunderstanding (which u seem to understand). I acknowledge the fact that emotional trauma played a large part, just from injury, and it may have been the inspiring event... but that was'nt the main catalyst for me. Due to nerve damage plus the reg issues i was one a lot of legal drugs along with a bit of alcohol & pot=timebomb. I'm really lucky I didn't hurt or kill anyone as I was not myself, it's scary for me to even realize that I could be messed up to that point. So before long i got a nasty dui ( kinda fought the poor cops, there prob some of the formentioned lucky one's) and me & my g-f split... that was prob rock bottom, I don't really know how I noticed because of the state i was in but I did somehow realize I wouldn't make it much further on my current path. Out of desperation and with all faith in doctors pretty much gone I decide to drop all my med's (again my doc's prob would have flipped) except for my pills to make me sleep thru the pain and um pot. At that point for the first time in a while I started to see clearly. And had my ex not have gotten on drugs and gotten knocked up we prob could have salvaged something after i had a few weeks to stabilize, who knows. Regardless though without that clarity and realization i'm sure I'd now be dead or in jail and if i stayed doped up i'm sure i would have handled it much worse. At that time i also started an anxiety/stress program via the midwest center(can google), ya know the audio & video self help kinda stuff, I never finished it but I do think it helped me through those darkest times...along with the BIBLE! I don't have an answer for you but I can tell you that without the will ther is no way. It's easy to get wrapped up in what we have lost, especialy when it is so great, but there is a crucial point at which you must give up on the idea's of what u thought life was going to be like and accept there is now a very different life ahead, and most importantly that this new path can be just as rewarding.
sorry i drabbled on but i just kept thinkin of stuff.. I prob could have continued indefinitly... so if ya want more or specification just ask.

[livestrong]

LuckyinKentucky, on Feb 21 2007, 07:24 PM, said:

Hi ruby
My situation was much like yours, but I was the highly medicated, self destructive, ass. Once you start this it can be a downwrd spiral of retaliation, resentment, and misunderstanding (which u seem to understand). I acknowledge the fact that emotional trauma played a large part, just from injury, and it may have been the inspiring event... but that was'nt the main catalyst for me. Due to nerve damage plus the reg issues i was one a lot of legal drugs along with a bit of alcohol & pot=timebomb. I'm really lucky I didn't hurt or kill anyone as I was not myself, it's scary for me to even realize that I could be messed up to that point. So before long i got a nasty dui ( kinda fought the poor cops, there prob some of the formentioned lucky one's) and me & my g-f split... that was prob rock bottom, I don't really know how I noticed because of the state i was in but I did somehow realize I wouldn't make it much further on my current path. Out of desperation and with all faith in doctors pretty much gone I decide to drop all my med's (again my doc's prob would have flipped) except for my pills to make me sleep thru the pain and um pot. At that point for the first time in a while I started to see clearly. And had my ex not have gotten on drugs and gotten knocked up we prob could have salvaged something after i had a few weeks to stabilize, who knows. Regardless though without that clarity and realization i'm sure I'd now be dead or in jail and if i stayed doped up i'm sure i would have handled it much worse. At that time i also started an anxiety/stress program via the midwest center(can google), ya know the audio & video self help kinda stuff, I never finished it but I do think it helped me through those darkest times...along with the BIBLE! I don't have an answer for you but I can tell you that without the will ther is no way. It's easy to get wrapped up in what we have lost, especialy when it is so great, but there is a crucial point at which you must give up on the idea's of what u thought life was going to be like and accept there is now a very different life ahead, and most importantly that this new path can be just as rewarding.
sorry i drabbled on but i just kept thinkin of stuff.. I prob could have continued indefinitly... so if ya want more or specification just ask.

Ruby,Reading your comment braught tears to my eyes,Iam t12/l1, befor that I worked in a spinal cord unit asa nures aide,At home I was back on the job with a sick granmother.Iam nit married, I see your fustarion,I can undtrand,The best thing I can tell you is, one find a specail place for yourself,that you feel safem,calm and happy,Then maybe get a book the bible maybe,You musy start with god befor all others,Then try to relax amybe have some tea or wien,You must take care fo yoursefl becase your husband cant take care of hiself rightknow,So yes it is all on yourshouler so take that time and tell him,If he does not give it to you well then maybe you can call a famliy member or friend to take your shift ans so you can begin to vent and let god coom into you,As the careteker and now crippled,it hard on bothe of you,It suck notbeing able to walk ruby or feel my legs,But his pain is your pain right.Iam sorry if this upsedding to you,that was not my intent here,Find your denter core and balance your soul

[Lucydog]

ok, Ive read the replies here and to be honest the Bible is not going to help you, forget it, you cant just sit around being a wonderful human being while your husband basically abuses you physically, mentally and spiritually. There is NO EXCUSE, ok? got it ?NO excuse for his behaviour. I dont care how much hurt he has to deal with, we all do, life is c*** for so many people on so many levels, he is not the only one.

At the end of the day you have to deal with your own self preservation, and as a T4 your husband has to start getting his life back. he should be able to do most things, ask anyone here. You cannot go on dealing with this day in day out, you are not his punchbag. Pack your bags and go, do it today, do it now. If you are always there nothing, and I mean nothing will change. He isnt going to wake up one morning and see the light, hes on his own road at the moment, and you cant do it for him.

You need to get out, see people enjoy life and STOP worrying about him. I do know its hard but if he isnt forced into a change how is it going to be for both of you 5, 10, 20 years down the line? I would also seek a lot more professional support for both of you. This is not necessarily an SCI issue, but a life issue. Take control, and take charge, believe me, abused women always feel they are to blame.

Do I sound hard? yes maybe, but dont think for a minute I havent 'walked' my own dark road, but your husband has crossed the line and you need to do something about it. If you need any support pm me, Im only happy to help and listen.

take care
L

[Joed]

I second everything Lucydog has stated above....well, maybe except for the Bible part, because I do believe that faith can get us through everything...but we also have to step out in action as well as faith.

I'm not sure that either of you are in a place to make this turn around right now on your own. Resentments, depression, fears (well, I could go on and on, right?)....it's all going to interfere with sound judgment. You are emotionally drained, physically exhausted....your husband seems to be curling up with his resentments like a good book, while you're beating yourself up with guilt.

There are so many dynamics that go on when a major health issue arises in a marriage....and when the problems start to take on a life of their own....it simply gets too big for the average person to contend with. I feel that some professional intervention is imperitive....that may or may not mean a temporary respite from each other...but it is clear to me that it's time to call in for back up.

Take care of yourself.

[mulepower]

Sounds like he's given up his will to live. You've done everything you can,now its time for professionals to help him. He has to help himself and want to,otherwise he can wither away and die. If he doesn't want help from anyone but you and not do anything but lie around,there's nothing you can do. Some way or another, something he is passionate about has to come back into his life,which for many men is a hobby. He should be passionate about you and because of him not being like that,he could very well lose you. This comment

Quote

I will never have a baby... I will never have a husband who is even kind

If you want those things,you can have'em. If not with him,another. Spousal abuse of any kind is a good reason for leaving him,permanently or not will depend on him. When he feels sorry for himself,it won't get him any better.


This has been suggested by many on here already but your husband needs to be rehabed in some form or fashion,whether its to see a shrink and go to a mental ward or go to a health care facility,like a nursing home. I'll tell you what, he'll change his tune once he is at a nursing home for a while.


You're not supposed to be a caregiver. There are people who do that. There's nothing wrong with helping him with some things but waiting on him hand and foot is not neccessary. Furthermore,noone deseves to be insulted vocally and he's taking out his frustration on you. You've got to be emotionally drained and physically exhausted. No wonder you've lashed back. He's not even sorry for his actions.

I don't know how long you've been married but to save your marriage,things have to change. You can't go on like this. Everyone with a SCI can symphathize with being upset about their condition. Yelling won't even relieve stress just raise your blood pressure.

Get out ASAP. It would be nice if you could communicate with him but that doesn't sound possible. With those pressure sores,he's in a heap of trouble with everything else he's caused for his life to be difficult.Let someone else take care of him for a while. Its not your job or duty. He can do some things for himself,by gawd. Lets see how much he took you for granted and if a seperation helps him to remember just how wonderful you are.