29 replies to this topic

[gsp23]

Whenever I go out anywhere with my boyfriend, he always tries to get my chair out of the vehicle for me. I tell him that I'll get it but he says its no big deal and tries to do it first. I have to be very insistent with him and tell him a few times that I will get it, before he finally backs off and lets me do it myself. Also if he puts it back in, he usually takes it before I have a chance to grab it myself and he ALWAYS puts it in the backseat backwards (on the back seat with casters towards me) so I have to twist the darn thing to get it back out again! I should mention that I have known him for comming up on 15yrs and we have been living together for 5yrs so he was with me when I was AB. When I was fresh out of the hospital, he put the chair in and out of the vehicle for me, saw me struggle to figure out how to do it myself and also saw me figure it out and do it many times on my own. When I was learning how to do it, I had to be firm with him and tell him that I needed to do it myself so I could learn... now it takes me under a minute but still its the same thing. I thought he would let off after I got faster, he actually makes me fumble a bit and take a few extra seconds because I am trying to hurry so much when I am with him. If something doesnt go completely perfect, like my hand slips off the wheel when putting it on then my boyfriend gets out and comes over and trys to finish himself. I know he is just trying to help me out, but am I just being stubborn and weird?

I assume that everyone with a manual chair deals with this same thing, or has at some point so the question is... are you as stubborn about it as me and insist you get your own chair or do you just let others (not strangers, but people with you) get it for you when they offer? I always feel like I'm being weird about it but then again its my independance. If you insist on doing it yourself, is there a nice polite way that you use other than "yes I can do it myself and yes I'm sure"?

If I go out somewhere with my friends/family and they are driving, I try to put my chair in the back seat (assuming there arent car seats in the way) and they usually take my chair as soon as I get into the vehicle (sometimes sooner, but thats a different story) and put it in the trunk. When I tell them that I can do it myself and put it in the back seat they tell me its not a big deal. I get irritated because it IS a big deal to me. But if I dont go out with them often then I feel like its not worth it sometimes and I should just let it go because I dont want to start an argument. How do others deal with this, find a polite way to say something or just let them put your chair in their trunk?

[BillS]

I get my own chair in and out of the car almost all of the time. The only time I "allow" somone else to do it is when we have more then 3 people in the car and my wheelchair has to go in the trunk since the back seat is full.

I've had random strangers come up to me as I was getting my chair out. They've grabbed it and pulled... "OUCH, my arm was in there you.....um excuse me but I can get this myself. It's much easier if I just do it."

I think your "problem" is it's your boyfriend. Guys want to be helpful, to open the door for their ladies, to help her with her coat, to pull her chair out for her etc... Even after 15 years he still wants to do the chivarous thing. Unfortunatly he doesn't realize that sometimes we really don't need or want help.

[Tweety Bird]

I think you are right this defiitely sounds like what I have heard from a lot of people. I am not driving yet but I STILL get the same thing like in the kitchen or getting on the couch or up and down a ramp or a door or ya know stuff like that. Yeah I think too guys wanna be in charge/helping. I dunno maybe there is an area of compromise you can reach? Maybe talk to him and say when we are in a hurry it's better for me to do it myself? And maybe you can allow yourself to be okay with him helping sometimes? Just sounds like you both gotta talk about it again and find a happy middle for you both?

[wheeliebear75]

We've got a 2 door hatchback AKA mini cooper hardtop, so I never get it out. But I have and do deal with people well meaning as it may be, being overly helpfull. Without knowing how he reacts to things it's hard for me to think of what to do or say; especially since I have simular probs as well.

[percepied]

I always accept help when asked ... everything to save my shoulders from their eventual demise. And you make the other person feel like good deeds are worthwhile.

I just wish I had practiced more good deeds when I was an AB.

[LuckyinKentucky]

I agree with ya percepied... alot of people really want to help, and if it makes them feel good... even better! For me it's different with various people I associate with; some friends are just waitin there as soon as ya transfer, I usually take off my wheels if putting them in someone elses backseat in order to avoid grease stains, and also make sure the chair is'nt poised for launch in the backseat[u]. I like to wedge the chair in either with the doubled up wheels or by placing it upside down in the back then reclining into it with the front seat. A lot of time I'll let a friend/fam grab the frame & take it to the backseat then I'll help em guide it into the right positoion. One time with a friend i let the bakseat rider position my chair...my buddy stopped fast to miss a dog & my chairframe flipped over the seat and nailed him in the head with the footplate! That could have been a lot nastier than it was & reminded me to stay aware of me chair! To ramble on a little more.........another time i let a friend of mine put my chair in the back of my truck when I was towing some stuff for him....little ways down the road I saw these pretty bright white sparks shooting from the back...found my QuickyTi wedged under the trailer with some killer road rash... one 15$ axle sleeve replaced & still haven't killed the dang thing! Moral of the story is be careful when accepting help... but if they really want to..let em..just be clear letting them know how they can help.

[Mary]

Am just wondering that maybe the sizes of your wheelchairs are different from what we have here. My boyfriend would not manage to get his wheelchair on his own even if he wanted to. First, its heavy to lift up and secondly it would not even fit on the back seat properly. So basically it has to be put in the trunk at all times and has to have help getting it out and putting it back. So whenever am around i always know am getting it out and putting it back in. Am used to that and nooo i dont fight with it lol i know exactly where the castors shud face....

[outkastsl]

i get the wheelchair in/out myself 80-90% of the time. sometimes i'll allow my close friends or my fiance to help but i typically will do it myself. well about 50% of the time i'll let my fiance take the wheelchair in/out when she drives her car and i'm the passanger, i HATE getting it in and out from the passenger side, lol. it's awkward!

[ziggy]

gsp23, on Mar 19 2007, 08:57 AM, said:

Whenever I go out anywhere with my boyfriend, he always tries to get my chair out of the vehicle for me. I tell him that I'll get it but he says its no big deal and tries to do it first. I have to be very insistent with him and tell him a few times that I will get it, before he finally backs off and lets me do it myself. Also if he puts it back in, he usually takes it before I have a chance to grab it myself and he ALWAYS puts it in the backseat backwards (on the back seat with casters towards me) so I have to twist the darn thing to get it back out again! I should mention that I have known him for comming up on 15yrs and we have been living together for 5yrs so he was with me when I was AB. When I was fresh out of the hospital, he put the chair in and out of the vehicle for me, saw me struggle to figure out how to do it myself and also saw me figure it out and do it many times on my own. When I was learning how to do it, I had to be firm with him and tell him that I needed to do it myself so I could learn... now it takes me under a minute but still its the same thing. I thought he would let off after I got faster, he actually makes me fumble a bit and take a few extra seconds because I am trying to hurry so much when I am with him. If something doesnt go completely perfect, like my hand slips off the wheel when putting it on then my boyfriend gets out and comes over and trys to finish himself. I know he is just trying to help me out, but am I just being stubborn and weird?

I assume that everyone with a manual chair deals with this same thing, or has at some point so the question is... are you as stubborn about it as me and insist you get your own chair or do you just let others (not strangers, but people with you) get it for you when they offer? I always feel like I'm being weird about it but then again its my independance. If you insist on doing it yourself, is there a nice polite way that you use other than "yes I can do it myself and yes I'm sure"?

If I go out somewhere with my friends/family and they are driving, I try to put my chair in the back seat (assuming there arent car seats in the way) and they usually take my chair as soon as I get into the vehicle (sometimes sooner, but thats a different story) and put it in the trunk. When I tell them that I can do it myself and put it in the back seat they tell me its not a big deal. I get irritated because it IS a big deal to me. But if I dont go out with them often then I feel like its not worth it sometimes and I should just let it go because I dont want to start an argument. How do others deal with this, find a polite way to say something or just let them put your chair in their trunk?

I gave up a long time ago stressing over people wanting to help me with anything,i saw no reason to get bothered or annoyed by other folks just trying to be considerate.I know if i had never been injured and someone i knew was paralyzed,my natural instinct would be to try and help with anything possible.

[LadyPilot]

percepied, on Mar 20 2007, 01:45 AM, said:

I always accept help when asked ... everything to save my shoulders from their eventual demise. And you make the other person feel like good deeds are worthwhile.

You are indeed very sensible to think about your shoulders. Having done 25 years of car transfers etc my right shoulder is now causing me concern and a considerable amount of pain. I am even contemplating going back to a folding wheelchair which is far less effort to get into a car (also cleaner and takes up less space).

I also agree with Ziggy that its not worth getting stressed out because people instinctly wish to help.

[Katherine]

I also would like to know what type wheelchairs others are using that are light enough and easy enough to handle to do this on your own. I have a Jeep Cherokee, but I do not have the strength to load a manual chair that I have in it. The chair is old, but it folds. I don't get out much because I do not have someone with me very often to assist me.

[gsp23]

Mary, on Mar 20 2007, 12:00 AM, said:

Am just wondering that maybe the sizes of your wheelchairs are different from what we have here. My boyfriend would not manage to get his wheelchair on his own even if he wanted to. First, its heavy to lift up and secondly it would not even fit on the back seat properly. So basically it has to be put in the trunk at all times and has to have help getting it out and putting it back. So whenever am around i always know am getting it out and putting it back in. Am used to that and nooo i dont fight with it lol i know exactly where the castors shud face....

I guess the main thing is if he has an ultralight, light or standard chair and also if the backrest folds down or is at least low enough to not need it. I have an ultralight chair that is approx 20lbs with a folding backrest. Also talking about rigid chairs as I have no idea how to even begin pulling a folding chair into the vehicle, but according to a post by LadyPilot there must be a way I just dont know how. When I got out of inpatient rehab, my rental chair was a 35lb chair and that was without the armrests, foot rests and wheels. I needed the footrests and the wheels werent quick release so that amounted in a folding chair that was just over 40lbs overall. I was not able to get that in myself and my boyfriend had to do it for me. If your boyfriend cant do it himself I am surprised he wouldnt want a chair that he could just to give himself some more independance... even if he is ok with you doing it for him.

LadyPilot, on Mar 20 2007, 03:00 AM, said:

percepied, on Mar 20 2007, 01:45 AM, said:

I always accept help when asked ... everything to save my shoulders from their eventual demise. And you make the other person feel like good deeds are worthwhile.

You are indeed very sensible to think about your shoulders. Having done 25 years of car transfers etc my right shoulder is now causing me concern and a considerable amount of pain. I am even contemplating going back to a folding wheelchair which is far less effort to get into a car (also cleaner and takes up less space).

I also agree with Ziggy that its not worth getting stressed out because people instinctly wish to help.

I normally let it go when I go out with friend or family members that want to help and dont say anything because we dont go out that often, so I guess from comments here I will continue to just let that go and accept the help. The offered help from my boyfriend is the biggest one though because as we live together and have known each other for so long it is like we are married (decision that we both agree not being married and just living together works for us). Being with a person that often and having them do it all the time is what bothers me. I have actually talked to him before and tell him I want to do it myself and that if I need help... such as when I hurt my ribs... I will ask for it. After having talks with him I got him to finally stop opening doors when I was halfway through them and pushing my chair up a ramp when I was halfway up it, without saying anything that he was going to do it. The only thing he just doesnt seem to get is the getting the chair in and out. Plus if he puts it in himself and the next place I go is without him I have to twist so funny to get my chair out of my truck because he sits it so the back is at the door and the casters are in the middle of the vehicle... I dont know about everyone else but I think I would rather have it in any position than that because I have to twist the darn thing in the backset to get it out. And he is a big guy so my front passenger seat is slid all the way back so the chair is sitting fairly snug back there. I have told him many many many times that if he puts it in himself to please put it back the way I want it but he says this way is easier for him and only does it when he knows that we will be going some place together the next time (and he isnt always right).

I understand that he is just trying to help as he is a kind person and maybe I should just sit back, shut up and appreciate it but also I have this desperate need to do anything for myself that I can. I think I have a need to be more independant now than when I was AB, I think back then I would have been ok to sit back and let people do everything for me (after the obligitory objection that I would hope nobody would actually take seriously )

Katherine, on Mar 20 2007, 09:35 AM, said:

I also would like to know what type wheelchairs others are using that are light enough and easy enough to handle to do this on your own. I have a Jeep Cherokee, but I do not have the strength to load a manual chair that I have in it. The chair is old, but it folds. I don't get out much because I do not have someone with me very often to assist me.

See my post I just did on this... and I also forgot to mention quick release axels for your rigid chair too!

[LuckyinKentucky]

gsp... I feel the same way about having to do some things for myself. For me it's a matter of proving to myself that I don't need assistance. In alot of situations this works good for me, gives me the perseverence necessary. Somtimes though my version of gettin it done takes three times as long and I have to use four times the effort as would an AB. So while I agree it's important to do things for yourself, it's possibly just as important to be able to overcome that need and allow others to help.

As for the increased need to do it yourself...as an AB self-reliance was never an issue...seems clear where the increased need to "be able to" comes from.


Just some observations I've made bout myself, they may or may not apply for you, maybe same application but different location.

Katherine,
I use a quickie Gt and a quickie Ti, both are uasily broken down for travel and can be lifted into a vehicle. I also had a folding chair when waiting on my own to arrive. It SUCKED there is no comparison in ease of transport..... Also they can be a little pricey (400$) but Spinergy wheels allow you to reach through the spoke's to relaese the wheels without having to spin the chair on the ground.

Edited by LuckyinKentucky, 20 March 2007 - 06:20 PM.

[daniel562]

my wife still get is out for me and puts it in for me
i still need her help sometime couse there have been those time when i'll start to fall
and she has to help me
and my brake are alway fukking up so they never really keep my chair from moving
but i love her till death and after

[edlee]

If I'm alone it's obvious who gets it out. I am usually too impatient to wait for a passer by to help (even if I could get ones attention). When I'm with my wife , she puts the chair in and out. there are two reasons that I allow this. The first is that she is more impatient than I am and after thirty years of marriage I know which battles to fight. The second is that I'm sixty years old . I learned ,often the hard way, that I don't have to prove anything to anybody but me. Once I become confident that I can do something I no longer feel the need to prove it to others. I much more enjoy the surprised look when I do something they don't expect me to be able to do.

If you feel you must do it yourself try telling whoever is trying to help that you " are sorry it takes me so long but I'll get faster if you'll let me get more practice " This will allow them to help you by NOT helping you. It could satisfy their inate desire to help. If this doesn't work try yelling "BACK OFF, BUBBA". It will, at the least, get their attention.

[LadyPilot]

gsp23, on Mar 20 2007, 02:52 PM, said:

I have no idea how to even begin pulling a folding chair into the vehicle, but according to a post by LadyPilot there must be a way I just dont know how.

When I first had my accident the ONLY wheelchairs available were the old steel folding framed E&J whelchairs and they weighed a whopping 56lbs! Later I bought one of the first Quadra folding w/chairs (imported by Bromakin from USA) weighing about 22lbs. Both of which I put in the car without help.
I transfer onto the passenger seat, fold chair, grab footplates and pull chair round 90degrees and rest footplates on car sill. Transfer over to driver side, flip passenger seat forward (needs to be 2/3 door vehicle) lean over and pull chair behnd seat. I can do it faster than with my rigid, dirt stays on the floor not on me, plus passenger seat free for passenger!


Edlee said-

Quote

I learned ,often the hard way, that I don't have to prove anything to anybody but me. Once I become confident that I can do something I no longer feel the need to prove it to others. I much more enjoy the surprised look when I do something they don't expect me to be able to do.

[Lucydog]

Depends on which chair Im using. At the moment its exclusivly the folding Tilite and my husband puts it in and out of the boot, when Im not pregnant and using a rigid frame I will always fling it on the back seat myself. My husband still hasnt quite got the hang of folding/unfolding and taking wheels off etc, so its usually easier for me if I do it. I have friends who always offer but the trouble is they dont know how to do it. So you end up giving instuctions, they are scratching their heads, your chair gets scratched and the whole thing takes forever.
The only person Ive really been happy to get my chair in and out for me is my boss funnily enough. He has a para friend of many years standing (LOL) and just gets the whole thing with putting it all together and so on. Also I think he has a fairly mechainical mindset.
Other than that Id rather do it all myself thanks.

[rollerbaby84]

[color=#993399]

gsp23, on Mar 19 2007, 02:57 PM, said:

Whenever I go out anywhere with my boyfriend, he always tries to get my chair out of the vehicle for me. I tell him that I'll get it but he says its no big deal and tries to do it first. I have to be very insistent with him and tell him a few times that I will get it, before he finally backs off and lets me do it myself. Also if he puts it back in, he usually takes it before I have a chance to grab it myself and he ALWAYS puts it in the backseat backwards (on the back seat with casters towards me) so I have to twist the darn thing to get it back out again! I should mention that I have known him for comming up on 15yrs and we have been living together for 5yrs so he was with me when I was AB. When I was fresh out of the hospital, he put the chair in and out of the vehicle for me, saw me struggle to figure out how to do it myself and also saw me figure it out and do it many times on my own. When I was learning how to do it, I had to be firm with him and tell him that I needed to do it myself so I could learn... now it takes me under a minute but still its the same thing. I thought he would let off after I got faster, he actually makes me fumble a bit and take a few extra seconds because I am trying to hurry so much when I am with him. If something doesnt go completely perfect, like my hand slips off the wheel when putting it on then my boyfriend gets out and comes over and trys to finish himself. I know he is just trying to help me out, but am I just being stubborn and weird?

No you are not being wierd --- I sooooo understand EVERYTHING you are saying as well as your frustration. Would you believe that when I was married my mother-in-law told me the reason there were marriage problems was because I was trying to be "wonderwoman" and do everything because I worked 8-10 hours a day and then came home at the end of the day and fixed supper and did laundry or whatever .... you know...... like EVERYBODY does??? I mean just cause we are in chairs does not mean that we just sit and stare off in to space and do nothing. I can't understand why "they" don't want us to do it ourselves, I mean they do, .... but they don't. It's f-ing confusing and after over 20 years of dealing with it I know that no matter how much i try to understand what the heck the "able-bodied_ are thinking/feeling or whatever -- I can't. I don't. I have grown kinda weary trying to. I am soooo okay with myself and content with my life that i cannot understand what the ables percieve and why they react/say/do what they do. My mother in law was not being mean when she called me wonderwoman -- I think she truly believed/felt she was giving me sincere, good advice. I was doing too much for my own good in her eyes -- working, home, family, and I was outdoing her son. I'm not even sure he was employed at the time. It was a miserable 1-1/2 yrs. for me. I loved him soooo much but could not, for the life of me, figure out why we were always at odds. As more time passed and life evolved no matter what I did helped. In fact, the nicer I was, the worse it got.

I remember having a doctor's appointment at the hospital in the city and him going with me. Normally I'd just go alone -- have done it many times --- it's only 100 miles on a good highway , I'm 35 years old, been driving 20 of them, I think I can make it. But I'm guessing it was his husbandly responsibility to go with me, especially since I'm disabled. Now, get this,.......the day is going just dandy. We parked in the parking garage successfully (happy to even find a hc spot), the hospital is actually across the street so we will need to take the walkway that crosses over the street to the hospital. All was good and i was even feeling kinda warm & fuzzy cause he was going with me. It was kinda nice to have a husband. And then the door opened to the walkway and all I saw was this BIG LONG ramp (in my mind), 10-15 feet wide and downhill all the way and its not full of people and all I can think is "Man!! I can FLY down this thing"!! Mind you I live in a very small rural town in Missouri where smooth sidewalks and whatever else you all run around on (with those front casters that are the size of a dime) unavailable. My point? I seldom have a wide open space when I can "run" so to speak. We don't get much past the door when I realize hubby isn't walking beisde me -- he's walking behind me and then I realize he is going to push me or so he thinks. I always push myself unless i just can't because of an incline or something. It feels wierd
to me to sit there with my hands in my lap while some else pushes me. I mean, do I try and walk
for them???
So thinking nothing of it I pull away from him and as I bolt away I say over my shoulder, "Wait for you at the end!!" As I fly away like a kid who has just learned to ride a bike. And I was acting like one, but i had the chance to go fast in my chair and I wanted to -- I was gonna wait at the end for him -- he could see me the whole time -- it wasn't like i ran off and left him. I just covered 75 yards a lot faster than him. So I wait for him, most likely grinning ear to ear cause it wa s fun!!! and we proceed to the waiting room just down the hall. I had to register, which he knew, so I went on over to the desk and assumed he was going to find a seat. Well when I got done registering and turned around to go find him so I could go sit with him, he wasn't there. So I figure, okay, he must have had to go to the bathroom, fine, no big deal. I find a spot and only sit there a few minutes when I get called in. He's not back but he'll know where I am so I go on in and figure he'll be there when I come out. WRONG. I didn't really know what to think so after waiting a little bit I decided I'd head for the parking garage, maybe he went for a smoke and I'll run in to him on the way. Didn't happen. I made it all the way back to the parking garage and wondered why I hadn't seen him somewhere. And I'm thinking well this kinda sucks, its daytime but I don't really want to hang out in the parking garage by myself for long and the car is locked. I even thought about heading back to the hospital but then decide to go on to the car. And guess who is sitting in the car???? And guess who is --- not really mad or angry -- but obviously upset about something. And once again it is most likely something that I did. Even though I have no idea what and i'm not the type of person to just try and do things to make people upset with me. He hardly talked to me the entire 100 miles home and I think it might have been several days before he finally told me that I had really hurt his feelings PLUS made him look bad to other people (like the people we passed by in the hospital) because he wasn't pushing me. Are you understanding this?? He felt like strangers who didn't know us from Adam were going to think he was a jerk for "making" me push myself. He said it wasn't even really so much that I flew down the walkway ahead of him he almost understood that part but he felt very wounded that his wife would make him look so bad in public. I realized not long after that what his mom was trying to say to me. I'm not a score keeper but some people are, some people measure their worth by keeping score or it affects how they feel about themselves. My husband also felt bad about himself because in his mind I was disabled yet I could "outdo" him. He was the able-bodied guy and I was the disabled woman who could and did work circles around him in every area of my life. I didn't do it to show him up or hurt his feelings. It's just the way I was. And i wasn't trying to be wonderwoman I was just living life everyday like everyone else. I had responsibilities. A job, a home, a life. Both his parents and him thought i was "too independent". How in the heck can anyone ever be too independent?? Had I been running off on my own and not taking care of my responsibilities i maybe could have understood that. But I was living life jsut like everyone else was. I wondered if they would tell me I was too independent if I wasn't in the wheelchair. And that led me to wonder if they expected me to be more needy or just knew I would be and when I wasn't they were offended by my stubbornness to accept help even though I didn't need it. Is that not screwed up??? AB's blow me away! I never felt disabled and didn't automatically expect people to "do" for me just because of the chair. I have always wanted to do for myself. Its human nature. But where the AB's are concerned I think they have a hard time seeing us struggle with something when they are standing right there watching us and could help even though we don't need them to or expect them to, and in their minds they feel like they look like jerks for not helping and/or letting us struggle. Gosh, I hope this is making sense to you cause i have written a novel here trying to explain it. I can't believe some of the things people have said or felt due to the disability thing. It blows me away and at times really messes with my psyche. I don't mean to offend, or push away anyone, or anything negative really. But in spite of not feeling that way I wonder how or why I am percieved that way by ab people?? It's crazy. But i guess i'm not the only one with the problem. I will tell you this, all ab's aren't that way. Some are just better with us than others. I've had that experience too and presently have a roommate that just lets me be and doesn't worry about me. He's there if I need him but I really don't. I can live everyday life just fine on my own if necessary. There really isn't anything I can't do that I want or need to. So hang in there and do your best to talk to your guy about how you feel sometimes, even if you have to wait a day or two to bring it up as opposed to during the time you are frustrated or whatever. Sometimes you can joke about things, give him a little s--t for putting your chair in backwards, tease him about it maybe ?? With a smile?? Surely if you've been together for 15 years you kid and joke around, after all that time you should be pretty good friends.

Deb

I assume that everyone with a manual chair deals with this same thing, or has at some point so the question is... are you as stubborn about it as me and insist you get your own chair or do you just let others (not strangers, but people with you) get it for you when they offer? I always feel like I'm being weird about it but then again its my independance. If you insist on doing it yourself, is there a nice polite way that you use other than "yes I can do it myself and yes I'm sure"?

If I go out somewhere with my friends/family and they are driving, I try to put my chair in the back seat (assuming there arent car seats in the way) and they usually take my chair as soon as I get into the vehicle (sometimes sooner, but thats a different story) and put it in the trunk. When I tell them that I can do it myself and put it in the back seat they tell me its not a big deal. I get irritated because it IS a big deal to me. But if I dont go out with them often then I feel like its not worth it sometimes and I should just let it go because I dont want to start an argument. How do others deal with this, find a polite way to say something or just let them put your chair in their trunk?

[rollerbaby84]

[color=#993399]

gsp23, on Mar 19 2007, 02:57 PM, said:

Whenever I go out anywhere with my boyfriend, he always tries to get my chair out of the vehicle for me. I tell him that I'll get it but he says its no big deal and tries to do it first. I have to be very insistent with him and tell him a few times that I will get it, before he finally backs off and lets me do it myself. Also if he puts it back in, he usually takes it before I have a chance to grab it myself and he ALWAYS puts it in the backseat backwards (on the back seat with casters towards me) so I have to twist the darn thing to get it back out again! I should mention that I have known him for comming up on 15yrs and we have been living together for 5yrs so he was with me when I was AB. When I was fresh out of the hospital, he put the chair in and out of the vehicle for me, saw me struggle to figure out how to do it myself and also saw me figure it out and do it many times on my own. When I was learning how to do it, I had to be firm with him and tell him that I needed to do it myself so I could learn... now it takes me under a minute but still its the same thing. I thought he would let off after I got faster, he actually makes me fumble a bit and take a few extra seconds because I am trying to hurry so much when I am with him. If something doesnt go completely perfect, like my hand slips off the wheel when putting it on then my boyfriend gets out and comes over and trys to finish himself. I know he is just trying to help me out, but am I just being stubborn and weird?

[color=#990000]No you are not being wierd --- I sooooo understand EVERYTHING you are saying as well as your frustration. Would you believe that when I was married my mother-in-law told me the reason there were marriage problems was because I was trying to be "wonderwoman" and do everything because I worked 8-10 hours a day and then came home at the end of the day and fixed supper and did laundry or whatever .... you know...... like EVERYBODY does??? I mean just cause we are in chairs does not mean that we just sit and stare off in to space and do nothing. I can't understand why "they" don't want us to do it ourselves, I mean they do, .... but they don't. It's f-ing confusing and after over 20 years of dealing with it I know that no matter how much i try to understand what the heck the "able-bodied_ are thinking/feeling or whatever -- I can't. I don't. I have grown kinda weary trying to. I am soooo okay with myself and content with my life that i cannot understand what the ables percieve and why they react/say/do what they do. My mother in law was not being mean when she called me wonderwoman -- I think she truly believed/felt she was giving me sincere, good advice. I was doing too much for my own good in her eyes -- working, home, family, and I was outdoing her son. I'm not even sure he was employed at the time. It was a miserable 1-1/2 yrs. for me. I loved him soooo much but could not, for the life of me, figure out why we were always at odds. As more time passed and life evolved no matter what I did helped. In fact, the nicer I was, the worse it got.

I remember having a doctor's appointment at the hospital in the city and him going with me. Normally I'd just go alone -- have done it many times --- it's only 100 miles on a good highway , I'm 35 years old, been driving 20 of them, I think I can make it. But I'm guessing it was his husbandly responsibility to go with me, especially since I'm disabled. Now, get this,.......the day is going just dandy. We parked in the parking garage successfully (happy to even find a hc spot), the hospital is actually across the street so we will need to take the walkway that crosses over the street to the hospital. All was good and i was even feeling kinda warm & fuzzy cause he was going with me. It was kinda nice to have a husband. And then the door opened to the walkway and all I saw was this BIG LONG ramp (in my mind), 10-15 feet wide and downhill all the way and its not full of people and all I can think is "Man!! I can FLY down this thing"!! Mind you I live in a very small rural town in Missouri where smooth sidewalks and whatever else you all run around on (with those front casters that are the size of a dime) unavailable. My point? I seldom have a wide open space when I can "run" so to speak. We don't get much past the door when I realize hubby isn't walking beisde me -- he's walking behind me and then I realize he is going to push me or so he thinks. I always push myself unless i just can't because of an incline or something. It feels wierd
to me to sit there with my hands in my lap while some else pushes me. I mean, do I try and walk
for them???
So thinking nothing of it I pull away from him and as I bolt away I say over my shoulder, "Wait for you at the end!!" As I fly away like a kid who has just learned to ride a bike. And I was acting like one, but i had the chance to go fast in my chair and I wanted to -- I was gonna wait at the end for him -- he could see me the whole time -- it wasn't like i ran off and left him. I just covered 75 yards a lot faster than him. So I wait for him, most likely grinning ear to ear cause it wa s fun!!! and we proceed to the waiting room just down the hall. I had to register, which he knew, so I went on over to the desk and assumed he was going to find a seat. Well when I got done registering and turned around to go find him so I could go sit with him, he wasn't there. So I figure, okay, he must have had to go to the bathroom, fine, no big deal. I find a spot and only sit there a few minutes when I get called in. He's not back but he'll know where I am so I go on in and figure he'll be there when I come out. WRONG. I didn't really know what to think so after waiting a little bit I decided I'd head for the parking garage, maybe he went for a smoke and I'll run in to him on the way. Didn't happen. I made it all the way back to the parking garage and wondered why I hadn't seen him somewhere. And I'm thinking well this kinda sucks, its daytime but I don't really want to hang out in the parking garage by myself for long and the car is locked. I even thought about heading back to the hospital but then decide to go on to the car. And guess who is sitting in the car???? And guess who is --- not really mad or angry -- but obviously upset about something. And once again it is most likely something that I did. Even though I have no idea what and i'm not the type of person to just try and do things to make people upset with me. He hardly talked to me the entire 100 miles home and I think it might have been several days before he finally told me that I had really hurt his feelings PLUS made him look bad to other people (like the people we passed by in the hospital) because he wasn't pushing me. Are you understanding this?? He felt like strangers who didn't know us from Adam were going to think he was a jerk for "making" me push myself. He said it wasn't even really so much that I flew down the walkway ahead of him he almost understood that part but he felt very wounded that his wife would make him look so bad in public. I realized not long after that what his mom was trying to say to me. I'm not a score keeper but some people are, some people measure their worth by keeping score or it affects how they feel about themselves. My husband also felt bad about himself because in his mind I was disabled yet I could "outdo" him. He was the able-bodied guy and I was the disabled woman who could and did work circles around him in every area of my life. I didn't do it to show him up or hurt his feelings. It's just the way I was. And i wasn't trying to be wonderwoman I was just living life everyday like everyone else. I had responsibilities. A job, a home, a life. Both his parents and him thought i was "too independent". How in the heck can anyone ever be too independent?? Had I been running off on my own and not taking care of my responsibilities i maybe could have understood that. But I was living life jsut like everyone else was. I wondered if they would tell me I was too independent if I wasn't in the wheelchair. And that led me to wonder if they expected me to be more needy or just knew I would be and when I wasn't they were offended by my stubbornness to accept help even though I didn't need it. Is that not screwed up??? AB's blow me away! I never felt disabled and didn't automatically expect people to "do" for me just because of the chair. I have always wanted to do for myself. Its human nature. But where the AB's are concerned I think they have a hard time seeing us struggle with something when they are standing right there watching us and could help even though we don't need them to or expect them to, and in their minds they feel like they look like jerks for not helping and/or letting us struggle. Gosh, I hope this is making sense to you cause i have written a novel here trying to explain it. I can't believe some of the things people have said or felt due to the disability thing. It blows me away and at times really messes with my psyche. I don't mean to offend, or push away anyone, or anything negative really. But in spite of not feeling that way I wonder how or why I am percieved that way by ab people?? It's crazy. But i guess i'm not the only one with the problem. I will tell you this, all ab's aren't that way. Some are just better with us than others. I've had that experience too and presently have a roommate that just lets me be and doesn't worry about me. He's there if I need him but I really don't. I can live everyday life just fine on my own if necessary. There really isn't anything I can't do that I want or need to. So hang in there and do your best to talk to your guy about how you feel sometimes, even if you have to wait a day or two to bring it up as opposed to during the time you are frustrated or whatever. Sometimes you can joke about things, give him a little s--t for putting your chair in backwards, tease him about it maybe ?? With a smile?? Surely if you've been together for 15 years you kid and joke around, after all that time you should be pretty good friends.

Deb

Oh and by the way, I have always been a van driver with a lift and driver's seat that swivels so I don't have the loading the chair in the car issue but its all the same kind of s--t just different colors.

Hang Tough! God Bless!
I assume that everyone with a manual chair deals with this same thing, or has at some point so the question is... are you as stubborn about it as me and insist you get your own chair or do you just let others (not strangers, but people with you) get it for you when they offer? I always feel like I'm being weird about it but then again its my independance. If you insist on doing it yourself, is there a nice polite way that you use other than "yes I can do it myself and yes I'm sure"?

If I go out somewhere with my friends/family and they are driving, I try to put my chair in the back seat (assuming there arent car seats in the way) and they usually take my chair as soon as I get into the vehicle (sometimes sooner, but thats a different story) and put it in the trunk. When I tell them that I can do it myself and put it in the back seat they tell me its not a big deal. I get irritated because it IS a big deal to me. But if I dont go out with them often then I feel like its not worth it sometimes and I should just let it go because I dont want to start an argument. How do others deal with this, find a polite way to say something or just let them put your chair in their trunk?

[gsp23]

rollerbaby84, on Mar 22 2007, 10:03 AM, said:

And then the door opened to the walkway and all I saw was this BIG LONG ramp (in my mind), 10-15 feet wide and downhill all the way and its not full of people and all I can think is "Man!! I can FLY down this thing"!!

Oh man did you have me laughing here, just because I know what you are saying and I had something almost the same happen to me just last week. I went to a show at an old state theater so everyone is dressed up and in their "propper attitudes" we go through the door and we get an escorte down to our seats which were row 5. Well the doos enter at the top row of the main floor and there are no stair, just a LONG ramp down some 40+ rows of seats. The escorte went first and I signaled my boyfriend to go next before I realized the long ramp. He knew right away what I was thinking as I looked around the both of them, saw the long ramp... my face lit up and I started to lag back a bit. He started laughing and almost wanted to see me do it. The only reason I didnt is because the isle was a bit narrow and I had only about a foot of clearance on both sides and there were a lot of people in there already. My boyfriend tells me after we get to the bottom that he was kinda hopin I would have gone for it because he didnt think I could stop when I got to the bottom and that row came to a T right behind another row of chairs. He said he thought it would be really funny to see my fly into the back of them and was curiuos if I would just stop there or get launched over the tops of the chairs!

On the way out, we waited for the place to pretty much clear out and as I am going up the ramp I glance back at him to make sure I am not going to get a surprise of someone just starting to push me and he asks if I am ok. I tell him that I am but if I start rolling back suddenly then to jump behind and stop me quick... he tells me that if he sees me start to roll back hes going to jump out of my way so he can watch me take off backwards.

Its all in fun and hes a decent guy... we were just messin around. But seeing your comments on the long ramp suddenly brought that to mind and I was almost crying laughing so hard. I am sure everyone on here can appreciate the thoughs running through your head when you see that long ramp up ahead and you have the thoughts of flying down the ramp... thats whats great about this places is people to help with problems and also just to know others enjoy the same simple pleasures in life sometimes too!

[Texaswheelz]

I feel the same way, I have a certain way I take my chair apart and put it in. When other try to help me then that certian way gets all screwed to hell. But I only do it when I'm alone, if some one else is riding with me then I let them throw it in the back since we have a big SUV and only need to fold the seat down. If I ride with other people and it needs to have the wheels and seat and what not off to fit in the trunk then I'll help them with it as most can't figure out the quick release wheels.

My wife is good and hasn't tried to help me do it since the first or second time I told her I could do it faster and easier on my own, back when we first met. Family on the other hand is different. When I go visit my parents, my dad always meets me in the drive way and tries to help me put it together and when I leave he always tries to help me take it apart. Same with my grandpa when I go there and visit. I've given up trying to talk them out of wanting to help. I'm my dad's son, i'm positive it hurt him more(emotionaly) when I got hurt then it did me. It tooks some years to realized that, at first I fought him on everything as I couldn't get a glass of water without him asking if I needed help or wanted him to do it. Now I'm more passive with him, as I can tell it still bothers him that it was me and not him, even though he was no where near when it happened. So I now hold my tongue and let him help even though it doubles or triples the time it takes to do it.

Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way. He knows you can do it, and probably knows you can do it better and faster then him or with his help. But since he knew you before and knew what you were capable of then and now, there is no need for you to proof to him what your still capable of. It's his love for you that is causing him to help, not his thoughts that your unable to do it or need any help doing it. You lost something huge in the injury, he didn't, so he tries to make up for it.

Atleast that is what my feelings are now towards my dad and why I have been less "I'll shows you what I can do!" attitude and more of the "I can do it, but I'll take your help" attitude. But anyone else and I pretty much go back into the "me, tarzan, you, jane" way of thinking.

[LuckyinKentucky]

Enjoyed your novel Rollerbaby and Texwheel right on with the pop's talk... It took me a while to realize the toll my injury took on my loved one's. This may sound wierd (did when I thought of it) but it really makes me want to outlive my parents; maybe that,in some wierd way, is a crude cousin of letting dad & grandpa help with the chair.// Maybe now i'll be more perceptive to other sensitive spots?

Both yall's posts helped me see things from different perspectives... thanks!

[drizzt42]

Since I am at a C5 level, I find it difficult to get in my chair on my own. I don't mind the help, actually I appreciate it, but if anyone has any helpful hints of being able to get in the chair without help then you would probably be a lifesaver. My accident happened two years ago and I ended up with a decubitus ulcer (pressure sore), so I've had to lay in bed for most of the time. I try to do what I can on my own, and the more things I can do the better I feel about myself.
Thank you,
Sean

[gsp23]

Texaswheelz, on Mar 23 2007, 09:21 PM, said:

My wife is good and hasn't tried to help me do it since the first or second time I told her I could do it faster and easier on my own, back when we first met. Family on the other hand is different. When I go visit my parents, my dad always meets me in the drive way and tries to help me put it together and when I leave he always tries to help me take it apart. Same with my grandpa when I go there and visit. I've given up trying to talk them out of wanting to help. I'm my dad's son, i'm positive it hurt him more(emotionaly) when I got hurt then it did me. It tooks some years to realized that, at first I fought him on everything as I couldn't get a glass of water without him asking if I needed help or wanted him to do it. Now I'm more passive with him, as I can tell it still bothers him that it was me and not him, even though he was no where near when it happened. So I now hold my tongue and let him help even though it doubles or triples the time it takes to do it.

Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way. He knows you can do it, and probably knows you can do it better and faster then him or with his help. But since he knew you before and knew what you were capable of then and now, there is no need for you to proof to him what your still capable of. It's his love for you that is causing him to help, not his thoughts that your unable to do it or need any help doing it. You lost something huge in the injury, he didn't, so he tries to make up for it.

That was a great post and really made me see things a bit differently, although I still hate my chair being left in the vehcile the wrong way... I went out this past weekend shopping with my mom, sister and niece. My niece uses a booster seat and it was situated behind the drivers seat of one vehicle. We were shopping at an outlet mall and there is a shuttle bus that brings you to different areas of the mall, but of course you cant get a wheelchair onto it. My niece really looks forward to riding that bus so we figured I would park at one end of the mall, we would throw my chair into the trunk of my moms car and drive to the other side together. The plan was for us to work our way through the mall and when we got to the end I would hop into my truck and they would take the shuttle bus back... Because of time that didnt happen and we hopped around and had to go back and forth because of the where the restaurants are and it was lunch time... to make a long story short (if thats possible at this point) my sister and niece took the shuttle whenever they could and my mom and I drove in her car to meet them. My mom tried putting my chair into the back seat as I couldnt because of the location of my nieces booster seat, so I had to talk her through it. Even telling someone what to do they just dont seem to listen. I had to take a few breaths as I know my mom just really wanted to help me. She couldnt seem to figure out how to get the seatback to fold down. I was telling her how to pull down on the chord and push on the seatback but something was apparently confusing to her. When we left for the day it was raining out and my sister came running over to my truck to help me with my chair. I didnt want to get soaked and didnt want her to either so I told her 3 times, thank you but I can get it in faster.... Every door they had to run ahead and get for me, I even got a few "helpful" pushes up the ramps (without notice or course). They kept asking if I was getting tired and wanted to push me. My niece got tired towards the end so she started riding on my lap, I think I was asked every 10 minutes if I was still ok or if I wanted her to get off my lap.

I guess for a non-wheelie it may be hard to understand, and I do get that my family was trying to help me out. Your post was right on the money for this and after this weekend I have decided that family that wants to help, I will just let him... boyfriend... well thats another story if I'm driving. I think I can give in if he is driving, but when I am driving its a whole independance thing, that if I can drive I can get my chair out on my own.

[BlackCherry]

My parents used to get my chair out all the time but when I learned to drive I learned I could do it myself.
Obviously if I am on my own I will do it but when I'm with people, they usually think they need to do it, I never really minded, I mean its easier for me!
With my boyfriend it was a bit awkward and I didn't want him to feel he had to do things for me. But one time I just said to him that I could do it, and he said "I know you can" but still helped.
To me that was fine, he knew I was capable yet that for me perosnally it was easier for him to do it.

So, I don't really mind because most people don't mind doing it, so let them! They're only helping out. What did make it better for me however, for some reason, was that he knew I could if I needed to.

[Big Valley]

I don't let others do it because it usually takes to long when they "help." 30 sec. I'm in and ready. They help it takes several minutes. "How do the wheels come off?" "Fold what?"



How about when someone lifts your empty chair from behind by the wheels and the foot plate smacks them right in the shins? I always see it about to happen and try to warn them but it happens a lot.



I don't mind a stranger asking if I need help but please just go on when I politely say, "no thank you."



I have had people take the gas pump out of my hand to "help me" pump my gas. I got out of the car, put the chair together quickly, have shown no signs that this is hard, just to have a do gooder take things away from me to help the handicapped guy. Takes your ego down a couple notches when that happens and ruins my good mood.

[Adams]

No doubt Big Valley.

If you just went through a procedure to get your chair out of your car, why would you need help with such a remedial task as pumping gas? It's like "Dude, do you think I would have taken my chair out of my car to pump gas just so I can have someone pump it for me?".

WTF!

[Big Valley]

I had people try and help me lift weights at the YMCA where I used to workout or want to push me around the track where I was doing laps.



Again I learn to just let it go most of time so the people won't think all w/c users are bitter A-holes. That is all they will come away from the experience thinking if I am rude. A simple no thank you usually is enough.

[Adams]

I agree with that. I would hate to come away as "the bitter cripple". It certainly would cros my mind though. Say no thanks and move along

[draymusa]

Katherine, on Mar 20 2007, 10:35 AM, said:

I also would like to know what type wheelchairs others are using that are light enough and easy enough to handle to do this on your own. I have a Jeep Cherokee, but I do not have the strength to load a manual chair that I have in it. The chair is old, but it folds. I don't get out much because I do not have someone with me very often to assist me.

Hi,

I have a Colours Spazz (http://www.colourswh.../prod_spazz.htm) with quick release axles and anti-tippers. I just get in the driver's seat and then pop the wheels and anti-tippers off and lift it over the steering wheel into the passenger seat.

Aisha