3 replies to this topic

[weewheelie]

Hi. My name is Kathy. I'm new to this site. I'm approaching my 15 year anniversary of being a c5 quad. For the most part i've done alright. I have lots of friends, a great family, but yet something's missing. I've been single over 10 years after a year long relationship ended with a guy also in a chair who discovered able bodied women willing to have sex with him. Being dumped by "your own kind" didn't help my self esteem. Now the only guys wanting to date me are over 65.

I go to college twice a week and take p.e classes. I feel like I need something to be passionate about. I used to be really outgoing and enthuastic about life. My energy level has changed. Everyone's always talking about all the stuff going on in their lives, all the thing's their involved in. Then they ask, so what have you been up too? I feel so insignificant. Yet, I don't know what would make me feel better. I feel like at my age I should have thing's to look forward to. I'm not getting married, having kids, driving, buying a house, getting a promotion, etc. My future looks the same.

Even though it doesn't sound like it from this, I am happy. I just need something more. Does that make sense? Any advice?
Thanks...

[Joed]

Hi Kathy...welcome to the boards!

If you're wanting a relationship, do you put yourself out there? It's going to be harder to find that right person than it might be for an AB, so you really have to make yourself accessible....I believe that there is someone out there for you, it's just a matter of locating him! I'm assuming you get out with your friends, etc.....but try mixing it up a little....go to places you wouldn't typically go to and see if the crowds are a little different.

Aside from that, I'd suggest joining some groups....YWCA, book or writing clubs, volunteering...or maybe giving presentations at schools about disability....all depending on your personal interests/talents and abilities, of course.

I hope you find your passion....I'm certain that it's just out there waiting to be found!

~Be Well....

[brackman22]

I would try not to worry about finding the right person right now. It sounds crude but we (as in the disabled community) can be really great commodities but our packaging has been "damaged". So, we are limited in what we can sell and who we can sell it to. I don't believe there is that one person out there waiting for you. I also don't believe you need to change things up or go to places you don't usually go just to find someone. I think you should take a personal inventory of the things in your life that make you happy or have in the past. Be brutally honest with yourself and don't feel guilty if some things you think of seem selfish. Right now, it is all about you. Find out what things make you happy and then try finding more opportunities to do them.

You could do the things joed said like volunteering and such. I just believe that we (again the disabled community) stand a much better chance at finding someone when they see us "unwrapped" and doing what we love if you will. The one thing I feel strongly about is if you enjoy being around children, in addition to going and speaking at schools or whatever, volunteer at boys and girls clubs or the united way or something of the sort. There's nothing wrong with the classroom visit. I just feel that letting kids "see you in action" is better than a lecture. But, if you can do both, that would be great.

What you are going through has all the “symptoms” of a mid-life crisis type of thing. You don't have to be in "mid-life" to have one. The mid-life crisis is characterized by questioning your self-worth and the "legacy" you will leave behind. The trick is to not look too far into the future. Look a year or so down the road and set attainable goals.

By the way, what are p.e. classes? I took phys ed in school but I doubt that is what you are doing.

BRETT

[gsp23]

I agree with what the others are saying about the love life... you never find love when you are looking for it. Just do what you need to make yourself happy, alone. Then once you have found that missing thing and are comfortable with who you are, it will come together. Love always hits at the weirdest times and usually when a person decided to not look for it.

As far as what else is missing from you life then think of what you liked to do when you were AB that you arent doing now. The key may be finding a modified way of accomplishing one of those things that you just havent thought of yet. For example, when I first started using a wheelchair I did TONS of research online of what was available. I was shocked to see that a person who only had the use of one arm could use a wheelchair. I was also amazed to see that they had manual and electric all terrain chairs. To find out a quad could hunt was just amazing to me. To see that they have floor hockey for both electric and manual chairs, seeing that they had soccer (football for you non-americans ) for electric chairs. I couldnt believe that they had american football for wheelchair users and I never thought I would get out skating again, much less play hockey! There are 3 levels of hockey teams for the association I play with the Beginner I is for people that arent able to push themselves and they have designated skaters that push them on the ice. Some of the people can hold their sticks, others cant. The ones that cant they either tape the sticks to their hands or the ones with less function they tape a single stick to their hands like an AB play would hold it. I just keep being amazed at what is really out there for recreational sports. I recently found out that I can waterski again and there are a couple of clinics here in the summer time that I plan to go to as that just looks too cool!

Anyways the point is... think of things you truely enjoy and find a way to do it. Not things that people think quads/paras should do or the normal "what can I do" attitude but what do you WANT to do and I am sure there is a modified way of doing it.