13 replies to this topic

[katrina]

Hey,
I'm in a serious relationship and we are in love and best friends and do everything together. Less than two weeks ago though, he got an SCI - he's injured at the t9 level and his injury is complete. He's going to be gone a thousand miles away at rehab for two to three months.

I have a few questions for those who are experienced:
Who do I talk to? I obviously can't complain to him about how much this sucks and how angry and sad I am that something had to turn my world upsidedown because he's the one in pain, he's the one that can't feel his legs, etc. And i need to stay strong to be there to support him. When I'm around people, I generally act really positive, claiming how relieved I am that its not worse, and being realistically hopeful for him having a strong, independent future. But in reality, I'm so scared, and I'm unwilling to let myself have selfish thoughts.
Should I try and see a therapist, or will these angry, scared, bitter feelings disappear?
Whenever I'm alone I just get on this endless, negative spiral just pissed that one millisecond of his life had to throw everything off.

I also don't know how and when to talk to him. I've been talking to him on the phone though he's still really sick with post-surgery complications, and I don't know what to say. He asks me how I am, do I lie and say I'm good, or complain when comparatively I have nothing to complain about? I know he can't possibly be ready to talk about what this means to our relationship yet, but when will he want to really talk? Ugh if anyone can help me with any of these emotional confusing things, I'd really appreciate this. Its just helpful to talk to people who've been through the same thing.

[Big Valley]

It is all very normal feelings. Bad things happen to people everyday for no reason. Don' t be afraid to talk about your feeling but realize that however much you are feeling he most likely feeling way worse or scared about the future.



How about some more details. Your ages, how long you have been together, where you two are from?

Edited by Big Valley, 20 April 2007 - 12:10 AM.

[jenn2782]

Oh sweetie. I totally feel for you. I was you 10 months ago.

You may want to look into getting some therapy. I didn't but I probably should have and probably still should.

Whatever you do please don't give up hope. He is still the same person he always was (THANK GOD FOR THAT) Miracles happen everyday but you have to believe.

If you need anything..or to just vent please feel free to contact me 914-443-3159, e-mail jenn0603@hotmail.com.

Keep your head up.

[DarkAgdistis]

You should edit your message and remove all your personnal info. Private message would be much more suited for that kind of info exchange ...

... except of course if you want all the perverts around to phone you in the middle of the night. In that case you've done the right thing

DA

[cj_fairy]

i know how you feel, the main thing is 2 b true 2 ur self, if u want 2 cry.. cry (inprivate if u need 2) if u want 2 sing ... sing in the shower wiv ur rubber duck, etc. i know it sounds strange but the best way 2 support ur fella is 2 just b there, dont pressure him 2 tlk if he doesnt want 2 (after all he is a man! n prob in his cave doing his own thinking) dont worry about selfish thoughts or bitter feelings as these are normal n will pass, (n still 2yrs on i still sometimes get them)
When he asks how u r dont get into a big essay about it tell him how u feel at THAT MOMMENT IN TIME but only giv him 2 reasons eg: "I'm hurt! as this has happened 2 u n i didnt want it 2 happen" but follow it up with 3 positive.. "but i love u so much, ur so brave, n we will get through it" (dont use them cuz they r rubbish but it woz a tip i got of some1) n it strangly works n not just in this situation!)
I know it aint the same but when i woz told what had happened to my son it broke my heart but this is how i delt wiv it!
i took every day as it comes, expecting it 2 go up n down like a rolla coaster, remebering that when i wen 2 bed crying it woz a new day the next (which helped me smile as soon as i got up!) put a fake smile on ur face wen wiv ppl u dont know eg going 2 the shop.. they really do smile back at u n make u feel better, do something 4 urself each day eg. read a chapter of a book, hot bath. n i grieved for the child i would of had n looked 4wad 4 the child i've got. I know it sounds silly as they are the same person etc etc but its what worked for me n now i worrship each day wiv my son he's still him just a bit 'qurky' (i know i dont explain things well but i hope that u can sort of understand what i'm trying 2 say n as i said this is all what i did n tips of other ppl but U ALREADY KNOW WHAT WORKS 4 U N UR PARTNER!

[MDK]

Hi Katrina

I felt the same when Kev 's had the accident ,this sense of "is not supposed to happen to me . I am a Reg Nurse ,I look after sick people ,Is just not true....."
But it was and whilst is not a day going by in which I do not miss my "pre accident Kev", I have come to love even more than before ( if that is possible ) the " now a days Kev".
Be patient ++++ ,when he'll be ready to talk he will.
Nobody expects you to keep on going as nothing has happened.
Talk ++++ with anyone within listening range, see a therapist if you feel it helps, do whatever is needed to maintain your sanity because you need to be strong for him & your family as well.

LOL

[newnormal]

hi katrina, whatever helps you is ok. it is going to take time, lots of time. Do what helps, if communing w/ nature is it, get out in the fresh air! Talking is good too, whether to a professional or not........... For awhile I cried alot, then crying just seemed such a waste of energy.Support of GOOD friends and family truly is a lifesaver. You & he will run the gamut of practically every emotion & feeling there is! I am sure that the distance is a tough thing. Just be there with love in your voice!I really have always tried to spare him all that I am going thru for the most part cause at the end of the day he is the one that has had the body altering event. It has been 10 months now since our accident & we are more in love than ever.Take care.

[percepied]

I was injured two years ago. Initially my girlfriend of over three years gave me complete support and love, but over time I could see her becoming increasingly depressed and unhappy. She couldn't bring herself to leave me because guilt overwhelmed her. Eventually she left but had to take a job in another state to escape me and her guilt.

I'm sorry my injury did so much to injure her. I appreciate why she left and wish her well. Caring for a gimp is not the way to live a life.

See a therapist but I suggest you swallow your guilt and move on.

[Becca82]

percepied, on May 29 2007, 06:58 PM, said:

I was injured two years ago. Initially my girlfriend of over three years gave me complete support and love, but over time I could see her becoming increasingly depressed and unhappy. She couldn't bring herself to leave me because guilt overwhelmed her. Eventually she left but had to take a job in another state to escape me and her guilt.

I'm sorry my injury did so much to injure her. I appreciate why she left and wish her well. Caring for a gimp is not the way to live a life.

See a therapist but I suggest you swallow your guilt and move on.

OH MY GOD! are you serious???? not everyone is like your ex, some of us can quite happily love and support our partners regardless!! Maybe the relationship was doomed to fail even if you hadnt had your accident!
It sounds to me that dispite you saying you appreciate why she left, and that you wish her well, that you are in fact very bitter about the whole thing still!
I dont think that advising someone to "swallow their guilt and move on" is particularly great advice, and suggest that you keep unhelpful and upsetting comments to yourself!

Katrina, i suggest that if you feel you need to talk to someone then thats what you should do, even if it just one of your close friends. what you are feeling is totally normal, and its fine to be scared and worried about the future, your boyfriend will be feeling exactly the same way!
What you are feeling is like bereavement, a sense of loss for what once was!
Just because things are going to change, does not mean that they have to end!
Your right in saying that "it could have been worse" its hard to accept at the moment, but things will get easier, and you will find a new routine that suits you both and works for the two of you!
There is no reason why you shouldnt be able to tell him that you feel scared, that you know things are going to be tough and difficult when he comes home, but you both have to be really honest and open if things are going to work, bottling thing up, and then finally exploding when things get too much is not good!!

Why does he have to go thousands of miles away for his rehab? is there nowhere closer?

I really feel for you, honestly i do, it must be so tough, and all the advice and support in the world probably wont make you feel much better right now, but just learn all you can about his condition, know what he might be able and unable to do so you can prepare yourself.
it might seem overwhelming at first, but the more you know, the less scary it becomes, and the more it just seems like normality!!

We are all here for you if you need to talk more, the support is there for you if you want it.

good luck.

becca
xx

[katrina]

Thanks so much becca.
Yeah I agree - I replied to that person saying the same thing - our relationship is not really being affected, I'm just sad for him and sad because I miss him. There is somewhere only about a four hour drive away, but we're pretty young and there's less young people and less sports related injuries. The place he's at is better in the sense of therapeutic rec - he gets out on handbikes a few times a week and gets in the pool and goes on outings to baseball games, etc. I've gone down once, and I'm going this weekend and two weekends after that (for over a week that time) and then he'll be home. We're almost through with the hardest part (having to deal with this while being a part). And just taking it one day at a time.

[Rabboua]

Katrina,
It is nice to seek advice when you bdo not know what to do, it is even better to give advice when you know what to do. I too have been in an accident and I'll tell you exactly what how we think after our injury. Your friend now has millions of dark ideas in his head. He wants to tell you that he loves you and because of that he wants you to leave him and continue your life. He wants to tell you that he will be ok and that he will adapt. He might even tell you that he does not feel like marrying in the future if this was in your plans. He will say and more important he will think of a lot more things. He wants to do so for himself, what I mean is that he wants to face any negative that he might face by convincing himself that it was his choice why his lover left, and anything else. He will be the voice of negative. The rest is up to you. Before you give him any answers think. Think a lot between you and yourself. If you love him and continue to do so, you might have to show him even more now. A kiss before may be enough, now he might need four or five. Instead of one phone call, make it three. I read in a previous response that things will be easier, that is true in a way but wrong in others. While somethings might ease with time, being a sci might present the injured with lots of challenges ahead and it is up to him and to those around him how to deal with them. If you decide to stay with your love one, tell him so but be sure. Do not answer him if you have doubts. It is best to do it now than to hurt him more later. I stongly advice you to seek help. If you are the religious type, seek help in your faith. If not, seek it with a professional. I am becoming a husband soon, I told my wife o be if you have one single shrowd of doubt about being able to live with me, leave now while I can handle the break up but once we are married, the break up then will be a completion to what my accident did not do. God bless you and your friend. Take care.

[percepied]

Rabboua, on May 31 2007, 09:35 AM, said:

Katrina,
It is nice to seek advice when you bdo not know what to do, it is even better to give advice when you know what to do. I too have been in an accident and I'll tell you exactly what how we think after our injury. Your friend now has millions of dark ideas in his head. He wants to tell you that he loves you and because of that he wants you to leave him and continue your life. He wants to tell you that he will be ok and that he will adapt. He might even tell you that he does not feel like marrying in the future if this was in your plans. He will say and more important he will think of a lot more things. He wants to do so for himself, what I mean is that he wants to face any negative that he might face by convincing himself that it was his choice why his lover left, and anything else. He will be the voice of negative. The rest is up to you. Before you give him any answers think. Think a lot between you and yourself. If you love him and continue to do so, you might have to show him even more now. A kiss before may be enough, now he might need four or five. Instead of one phone call, make it three. I read in a previous response that things will be easier, that is true in a way but wrong in others. While somethings might ease with time, being a sci might present the injured with lots of challenges ahead and it is up to him and to those around him how to deal with them. If you decide to stay with your love one, tell him so but be sure. Do not answer him if you have doubts. It is best to do it now than to hurt him more later. I stongly advice you to seek help. If you are the religious type, seek help in your faith. If not, seek it with a professional. I am becoming a husband soon, I told my wife o be if you have one single shrowd of doubt about being able to live with me, leave now while I can handle the break up but once we are married, the break up then will be a completion to what my accident did not do. God bless you and your friend. Take care.

Katrina:

I urge you to read carefully what Rabboua has written. He has tactfully and thoughtfully what I had hoped to convey. Unfortunately I verbalized my advice in a rather mean-spirited way.

I am hoping for the best possible result for you and your boyfriend.

Leo

[wheeliebear75]

Seeking council for yourself is absolutly a viable option. No your hardships are not the same as his, but they are still difficult to deal with/go trhough. You can only stay strong for him if you are NOT falling apart inside. I'm constantly astounded at lack of attention to ALL aspects of helping a family though this type of process. Sometimes just getting it all "off your chest" and having a good cry can be just the ticket to relieving some of the wieght off your shoulders. If insurance wont cover mental health for you an LCSW can be a more economical alternative to a psychologist and may do the same job for you.

[edlee]

I've been a bit under the weather for a few days and am catching up on some threads that have gotten away from me. I just read becca's response to percified's post.

My first response was " OH MY GOD! What an a@@hole!!!!!"

A man, who has actual experience in both living with a SCI and losing a loved one to the stress of that situation. And who is willing to offer a heartfelt and honest response to question that each and every one of us, here, have had to deal with. Is chastised for his frankness and honesty by some self righteous cheerleader for love.

Love is a beautiful thing. I admire greatly those who are able to deal with their partner's paralysis in a way that allows them both happiness. But anyone who doesn't realize that this is not all that common and all the more valuable because of that , shouldn't be relied on as an advisor.

Katrina, if you are having doubts you are in good company. Your guy will have plenty of them, too. Be his friend, first. There will be plenty of time to be his lover later. If things aren't to be, you will know in time. As for therapy, by all means. This tragedy happened to you as well as him. You need some time for healing as does he.

I truly wish you well, whatever you decide. A healthy relationship demands that both parties be content.

ed