7 replies to this topic

[jenn2782]

Lately things have not been so good. My fiance's mood seems to be way way down. I always try and cheer him up and usually it works but not so much these past 2 weeks.

He seems more angry..more distant..And I'm really not sure how to handle this. I'm frustrated to the point where I want to tell him to leave. He makes me feel like crap and I know he's not doing it intentionally but its hard to realize that I can't make him laugh after 6 years of being together. Its hard to deal with the fact that I'll never make him happy again unless I find a cure. And it hurts.

It hurts that every time I bring up buying a house, having a baby, he tells me not until he walks again. I feel like I'm stuck. I love him more than life and I know that he can get better..I know that and I believe that but I'm frustrated that I'm ready to do all these things that we dreamed about and always planned on doing and he's telling me not til he walks again AS HE BLOWS OFF ANOTHER DAY OF THERAPY!!

What do I do? I wrote him a letter just to get it all out..and he just ignored it. I told him he needs to get help and go and talk with someone he tells me I'm crazy..yea i'm crazy..not yet but I'm getting there quick.

Any advice?

Thanks.

[Big Valley]

I think you have tried all you can. Tell him flat out you want to be with him accident or not but he is not letting the relationship work. If he is trying to push you away it is working. Soon not only will he have unwilling lost his walking ability he will have willing lost you.



Break up and see if that brings him around. Getting help, working on his problems, adapting to his new life. Bad things happen all the time and this is just one of them. Most likely there will be other bad things to happen later in life. You could get breast cancer, lose a child, tornado come destroy your house. Never know. He needs to face facts that he may and never walk again but that doesn't mean his life is now over. Just changed.



If your leaving him for a while does not make him change his ways then you were not that important to him. Don't let his unwillingness to adapt ruin your life too. You shouldn't feel guilty. You have tried and still want to but how much longer are you will to put up with it? You are a very pretty girl and sounds like you have big heart. By leaving you may actually be helping more.

Edited by Big Valley, 07 May 2007 - 01:44 AM.

[Lucydog]

I have to say I think its time for you to walk away from him. Either he gets to grips with his own life and moves on or doesnt, but either way it sounds as if you have done everything you could for him, maybe thats the trouble. As a T7 he shouldnt really need a caregiver, and after 6 years he should be out in the world earning a living and being a man. If he were AB would you be giving him chance after chance? I doubt it.

The thing is, and you need to be selfish here, if you want to have a family dont wait too long, I have friends who put it off and put it off and now they cant have kids. If they had tried earlier then maybe they would have had a better chance. Yes we all have private tragedies in life, my uncles son died a cot death while out in the car with them. How they ever managed to get on with their lives I dont know, but they did and thats what we all do. Actually walking isnt the bee all and end all of life its the quaility you have and what you do with your time here that counts.

So anyway thats enough from me. Really and truly I would leave him now as you dont want to be eaten up by bitterness which is surely what this man will bring you in years to come. They are some wonderful guys out there believe me, so go and find one who will love you with his heart and soul.

[JustME]

Well, I haven't been on here in awhile but after reading this I felt a little compelled to reply... even though I may not be much help because my relationship with my boyfriend has been a roller coaster ride at best and we are still struggling with our relationship.

The best advice I can offer you from being in a similar situation is to back off and possibly even break up with him since he is obviously is not taking your feelings into consideration at all. My boyfriend tells me the same things... no kids until he can walk and absolutely NO MARRIAGE unless he can walk down the aisle, so I feel your frustration there. As I said, take a step back and let him see what life without you will be like for him and maybe he will take the iniative and began therapy (physical or mental) and try to make the best of the situation he is in. If not, then you do need to leave him. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself for a major dissapointment if he refuses to have kids, get married, etc. and will end up bitter towards him and yourself. I hope it works out... I know in a sense how you are feeling and as I said am in a similar situation now myself. I wish the best for the both of you.

[Millard]

Hello Jenn,

I don't know how long your boyfriend has been injured, but if he's a quad, it takes a while. When I got married, I was still in depression. My wife "hung" with me and after about another year the depression left... that was 35 years ago and we're still married.

Let me know if you'd like more information.

Good luck,

Millard

[Rusulka]

Its really really bloody hard...I recently split with my guy (C4 quad) because the reality sunk in that sometimes love just isn't enough. I was prepared to give up many things to be with him...but I can't give up everything. I still need to have my life and fulfill my goals, and I was getting REALLY scared. But as much as he told me he loved me (and I believe he did and still does), the thought of marriage, kids etc was just too big for him and I could see these were things that were just too big for me to sacrifice. He and I have been friends for many years and we are still very close friends and i still love him and I know I always will...Its been heartbreaking actually but the thing is I never want to resent him or have any negative feelings toward him. I would rather step back and save our friendship. I understand how hard it is for them but at the end of the day, you need to make yourself happy and give him some time and space to deal with his fears, issues etc. You can support him but you can't resolve them for him. If you are meant to be together you will be but perhaps right now is not that time. My guy is very moody so I know how you are feeling. He frequently shuts me out or oushes me away...always has... and you can only be pushed away so many times before you start thinking "what am I doing?", especially when you are giving so much of yourself. Back off a little and let him realise what he is losing...its really hard but you will know if he really loves and wants you and if not, better to find out now. Good Luck darl...feel free to email me if you need to chat. R x

[bigwheelzrme]

I'm really not going to say much because it seems that everyone that has replied has given their honest opinions along with very reasonable advise. You cannot make him change his ways he will have to do that himself.
With that said I wish you the best of luck and hope that he will see thathe has a special person in you willing to stand by him

[Love life to its fullest]

Unfortunately everyones adviced so far has been right, you can try all you like but if he is not willing to meet you at least half way, or want any help, it is like hitting your head against a brick wall. We can all give you advise but we are not in the situation, only you can decide what is right, only thing I can suggest is trying to have that deep and meaningful if you two can sit down and do that without arguing, explain exactly how you feel and dont leave anything out, ask him where he wants things to go and if he is willing to meet you half way, try and get him started talking, sometimes thats all it takes is just to get started and then everything comes flowing. I wish you all the best, you know what is right for you so just go with that and dont end up hating each other.