4 replies to this topic

[SjAnd424]

I posted this in the Caregiver's forum...but got no answers . Hopefully I will here!!

I am currently in school to become an OT, and through this board, I have met an awesome guy(we'll call him PM), who is a C4/C5 complete. He is trached, and partially ventallated. I live in South Florida with my long-time boyfriend(both of us are AB). PM lives in Michigan. PM is at a long-term care facility, seeing his family maybe once a week, and friends once every few weeks. He is lonely, and incredibly depressed, because he feels no one cares.

We had started talking about me possibly becoming a CNA and having him move in with us, down in Florida. While we are just talking about it, we have so many questions that I was hoping some of you awesome caregivers could help with!!

He is on Medicaid, and we are wondering how much of his supplies, meds, etc would be covered?
I have to work, so while myself or my boyfriend are not around, I need to find somewhere for him to go, or someone to come stay with him(just long enough for me to work during the day). What do you all do when you aren't able to take the one you are caring for with you?

I would appriciate any advice and stories!!

[brackman22]

I can't answer many of your questions. First, he'll need to live in florida for6 months before he qualifies for services to establish residency. Does PM work or go to school? I know you said he was trached and partially ventilated but I still wanted to ask. If he is determined to be homebound he will qualify for more services.

On a different note, I would not recommend you have him move in with you and your boyfriend. I don't know how many quads you have been around but a c4/5 can take A TREMENDOU amountt of care. This won't be like having another roomate. This, over time, could cause tremendous stress on your relationship with your b/f. It will take a lot of the spontaneity out of your relationship. It will inhibit your ability to move because of job offers or whatever. It takes a huge heart to consider what you are. I would sit down with your boyfriend and consider how this will impact your family. Leave your heart out of it for a minute. Getting a dog is a big decision not to mention a quad (no offense intended).

BRETT

[SjAnd424]

brackman22, on May 10 2007, 11:44 AM, said:

I can't answer many of your questions. First, he'll need to live in florida for6 months before he qualifies for services to establish residency. Does PM work or go to school? I know you said he was trached and partially ventilated but I still wanted to ask. If he is determined to be homebound he will qualify for more services.

On a different note, I would not recommend you have him move in with you and your boyfriend. I don't know how many quads you have been around but a c4/5 can take A TREMENDOU amountt of care. This won't be like having another roomate. This, over time, could cause tremendous stress on your relationship with your b/f. It will take a lot of the spontaneity out of your relationship. It will inhibit your ability to move because of job offers or whatever. It takes a huge heart to consider what you are. I would sit down with your boyfriend and consider how this will impact your family. Leave your heart out of it for a minute. Getting a dog is a big decision not to mention a quad (no offense intended).

BRETT

Thanks for the advice Brett!
PM is not working or going to school at this point. I did not know about the 6 month time period, so that will definately be something to consider.

I do understand he will need a trenmendous amount of care, which is why this is not something we are jumping into. We will take the time to carefully think it over and weigh out the options. As for the boyfriend and I, we are discussing it, and taking the time to think everything over.

[Tea and Sympathy]

Okay, I rarely post here, but I have to say this. I agree with Brett, you have to have a big heart to do what you are considering. And he was a little more diplomatic in his approach, but I am going to lay it on the line.

You also have to be out of your mind, and so does your boyfriend. Why on earth would he consider allowing another man to come live with him and his girlfriend? A man that you would need to take care of physically and emotionally? A stranger yet, that neither of you have met in person?

I understand that PM is lonely and depressed and facing the biggest challenge of his life, and it's wonderful that you want to help. Internet relationships can be wonderfully supportive but also highly destructive and you are looking at destroying what you have with your boyfriend without even realizing it. There are lots of ways you can help PM without having him come live with you, and lots of other ways you can get your OT/CNA experience.

Ask yourself: what do you really want out of this? Are you taking on someone else's problems and challenges to avoid dealing with your own? Are you slightly unhappy with your boyfriend and PM is touching something in you he isn't? Because if you really are this big hearted and selfless, that's admirable to the nth degree. But what happens to PM if it doesn't work out? If you realize caring for a quad is more than you can handle, if your boyfriend realizes he was crazy to allow it? PM is not in the same position you are to make choices and undo mistakes, and if he moves from Michigan to have a life in Florida with friends that doesn't work out after awhile, what happens to him?

I don't mean to be harsh. But I don't think any good can come of this -- for you, your boyfriend, or for PM. The stress of caregiving is hard enough when it's your child, spouse, parent or close friend. You obviously feel a great deal for this person. I'd examine that a little more closely first. I have watched my family be destroyed by the resentment of unrelentlessness that caregiving entails, and these are people who love each other and are legally related in someway. I know a family of our choosing is sometimes the best family of all, and maybe you and your boyfriend could make this work and it would be fine.

My main concern is PM, because he is in a very vulnerable position right now. And what a marvelous friend he has in you, that you would even consider this -- that's a wonderful gift in and of itself.

The world needs more people like you, your caring heart and helpful spirit. But I would really rethink this. Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. If he said he wanted to bring home a C4/C5 woman, how would you feel???? Just stop and really think this out before it goes too far, and the one you intended to help the most gets hurt the worst.

Or, you and your boyfriend could always move to Michigan....

[brackman22]

I'm really glad to hear you are not taking this lightly. I think the main concern I have is the possibilty of children in the future. I definately am not saying having children is a deal breaker but having children is the biggest concern IMHO.

One idea I had was possibly moving him from where he is now to a place close to where you live. You could visit as much as you like and could probably take him out on day passes. This would not put the responsibility of his care squarely on your shoulders while allowing you to make him as much a part of your family as you are comfortable with.

If you have told him about the plan to possibly move in with you, try not to feel guilty about changing your mind. If he is as you explained him he'll understand.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It sounds like PM has great friends in you and your boyfriend.

BRETT