[moonstar]

Hi everyone,

not sure if this is the right place to be but i havnt got anyone else to talk to, i find it hard to show my feelings to people directly.

I know its still very early days since it is only 5 weeks since i lost my husband, but things are getting harder by the day rather than easier, every time i get even a second to myself i break down, i cant seem to pull myself together, my emotions are still a constant rollercoaster, i couldnt even finish my shopping today because i started to cry just because i saw some ready brek, it was the only thing alan ate towards the end, i felt so stupid.

So many things make me cry but i dont seem to find much to smile at, my children are starting to sleep a bit better but say every day they want daddy to come back, its so hard, i know theres is probably not much advice and im sorry for the long post i just dont know where to turn, i dont see alans family, their choice, and my friends always seem to be busy, im hoping i will perhaps sleep a bit better getting some of this off my chest, thankyou,

xmoonstar

[juls]

Hi Moonstar,

I lost my brother in law (I know it's not the same as losing a husand..) he, my sister and thier kids lived with my mum, dad and I for over 8 yrs so he was more like an older brother to me.
He was a passenger in a car that was hit by a truck that was on the wrong side of the road, I was at boarding school and was expecting him that night, as he was going to take me out that weekend.
My dad had to ring me and tell me what happened..I never knew you could vomit from crying so much.

I left school to go home and live with my parents and to help raise my niece and nephew who were only 3 and a half and two at the time.
It's a time when you work out who your real friends are..so many people avoided us as they didn't know what to say. You don't need alot of friends..even if you had just 1 would be wonderful, if not, i'm sure everyone on the forum including me, will always be here for you as it is so important to talk at a time like this.

It does get easier with time, a long time though... you do learn to handle it better and you do get to that point where you can remember them and laugh about the things they did, rather then cry.

We make sure we've always talked about bryan, put pictures up and let the kids watch home movies so they know how much of a beautiful, funny and wonderful person thier Dad was and how much he loved them..they never grow tired of hearing stories about him.

It will be 11 years this year and we still all cry at the drop of a hat but it doesn't hurt as much.

5 weeks is not long at all..give it time, don't feel guilty to have a laugh or do something fun..but most of all look after yourself..in order to look after your kids you need to look after yourself first. Don't be afraid to see a councellor, talk to friends, family..no one expects you to be strong.

I'm not sure if I've helped or made you feel worse..hopefully i've helped, if only to tell you that you are not alone and we are all here for you, no matter what..so keep writing.

Love julie

[bigsmiles]

Hey Moonstar... Don’t be sorry for saying how your feeling , you have just lost your Husband and no doubt your best friend and the children have lost Dad. I bet your emotions are all over the place right now and you are trying to hold everything together for them all… but you need support too. I’m glad you have come here because that’s what it all about support and we are all here for you. There is nothing anybody can do to bring Alan back and put things right but I know we can all have a go at helping you through. I understand that facing people is far from easy at the moment and the bursting into tears bit is very normal . I lost my mum a few years back and felt exactly the way you are feeling…broken… There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and this will be the same for you the years ahead. Each time you look at the children you will see him and as they continue to grow you will see him a little more. Try and think of him living in them I know its hard and will no doubt be darker days to come. I keep a box of my Mums favourite things, silk scarf, hairbrush that type of things and whenever I need a good cry ( quite often these days) I open the box, take something out, close my eyes and think she’s with me…our little moment. It’s not for everyone but it helps even just for a few moments.
Keep your chin up x

[Dancingdolphin]

Hi! Just a line to say I've no idea how you must feel (though my mum died a few weeks ago ..so far just feel numb)..just wanted to say we're here and we do care and chat away here..it's good to share


Hugs

[LuckyinKentucky]

I'm sorry for your loss and this may not help but one of the things that gives me the most comfort in the really crappy times is remembering that there has been... and will again be better times. Life somtimes makes living really hard, but it is also at these time that we learn about our own strengths. And the forums a good place for support any vent is a good one.

This post has been edited by LuckyinKentucky: 16 May 2007 - 01:18 AM

[ParaforGod]

Hi Moonstar,
As I've said many times I lost my husband in the accident. What your feeling is normal and its ok to cry. I understand being at the store and seeing things he liked and even picking it up not thinking he isn't there to eat it. I have a daughter and stepdaughter and stepson. Its normal to try and be strong for the children but remember they also know you are grieving and its ok to let them see you grieve by doing so it allows them to grieve out in the open. Moonstar it takes time and you will get to the place where you can think of him and laugh. You will think of things you did together and smile. I Journaled alot it was a way to get my true feelings out and not feel I was making others so sad but yet I did talk about him alot. I wrote prayers to God told him exactly how I felt. I was broken, hurt, sad, scared, angery, sometimes just plain mad. You see God already knew how I felt so when I told him it was like ok now I can help you heal. It didn't take place over night but a process so don't feel bad or guilty for the way you are feeling. Just know that its ok to talk about it. I know everyone here on the forum will be glad to listen and know you are in my prayers. If you need someone to talk to email me. I don't know if anything I've said helps but I do know in the long run you and your children will be ok. Your husband will always have that special place in your heart and you will get to the place where you can share and think of all the memories and hold them in your heart without the pain.

[MDK]

moonstar, on May 14 2007, 08:38 AM, said:

HI EVERYONE,
NOT SURE IF THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE TO BE BUT I HAVNT GOT ANYONE ELSE TO TALK TO, I FIND IT HARD TO SHOW MY FEELINGS TO PEOPLE DIRECTLY. I KNOW ITS STILL VERY EARLY DAYS SINCE IT IS ONLY 5 WEEKS SINCE I LOST MY HUSBAND, BUT THINGS ARE GETTING HARDER BY THE DAY RATHER THAN EASIER, EVERY TIME I GET EVEN A SECOND TO MYSELF I BREAK DOWN, I CANT SEEM TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, MY EMOTIONS ARE STILL A CONSTANT ROLLERCOASTER, I COULDNT EVEN FINISH MY SHOPPING TODAY BECAUSE I STARTED TO CRY JUST BECAUSE I SAW SOME READY BREK, IT WAS THE ONLY THING ALAN ATE TOWARDS THE END, I FELT SO STUPID. SO MANY THINGS MAKE ME CRY BUT I DONT SEEM TO FIND MUCH TO SMILE AT, MY CHILDREN ARE STARTING TO SLEEP A BIT BETTER BUT SAY EVERY DAY THEY WANT DADDY TO COME BACK, ITS SO HARD, I KNOW THERES IS PROBABLY NOT MUCH ADVICE AND IM SORRY FOR THE LONG POST I JUST DONT KNOW WHERE TO TURN, I DONT SEE ALANS FAMILY, THEIR CHOICE, AND MY FRIENDS ALWAYS SEEM TO BE BUSY, IM HOPING I WILL PERHAPS SLEEP A BIT BETTER GETTING SOME OF THIS OFF MY CHEST, THANKYOU, xmoonstarx

Hi Moonstar

Is normal to feel like this and is good to talk about it ...crying helps the healing process ( gives our tear ducts a good clean , this is my rationale for crying)
When we care for someone full time we give up part of our life in order to help them live to the fullest.
When that cared for leaves we have all this blank spaces to fill and is so hard to do so when we don't know the meaning of having a life of our own anymore.
I went through this process 8 months ago when I lost Mum ( I was her carer ) , miss her everyday & often find myself crying still .
I do try to focus on the fact that she is free from pain in a better place .
I have no answer just know that I wish you all the best .
LOL

[moonstar]

Hi everyone,

thankyou for sharing your thoughts and experiences, i found it very helpful.

Since i last posted not a lot has changed, i have lost control of everything im afraid, when all the paperwork and funeral where dealt with i didnt have anything to occupy my mind and came down with a huge crash.

My eldest son (17) has left home, my son (15) has completely gone off the rails, looks like he is going to prison because his anger got out of control and he assaulted a few people including a police officer. My daughter (14) is struggling with her feelings, she doesnt want to go to school because she doesnt want to leave me and she is self harming, i thought this was under control, she started doing it when alan first got ill.

My three young ones still dont sleep very well, it takes hours to get them to sleep, it really wears me down, my son (3) is very aggresive and his behavior is very erratic, they constantly ask why daddy cant come back. I cry all the time and cant pull myself together, i have got an appointment to see my doctor next week, something i should have done before really.

I have just found a house to move into near my family which is a big relief, its going to be a stressful process because of my state of mind, be better for all of us in the long run though. Its planned for august.

I have one friend that pops in a couple of times a week which is nice but i cant really talk to her as she is very young and more like a daughter than a friend, alans brother comes round once a week which is nice but he is devastated so i dont go into my feelings with him, he is really depressed.

Well i dont know what else i can say except i am sorry this is so depressing, i dont know if any of you have got any advice, it just feels better letting some of this out, thankyou for listening, hopefully i will feel more positive soon

xmoonstarx

[nomis]

Hi moonstar
Alan obviously was very much loved. He must have been some guy.
You're crying over the loss of Alan but the love remains. It's bundled in every tear.
Cherish the tears, they are ok.

With your kids plus house moving, you've got so much to deal with. You sound strong and intelligent. You've survived so far. I'm rooting for you.

[moonstar]

Thankyou nomis for your kind words,

i am sorry i spilled all that out here, im sorry if i upset anyone, death is not a good subject, i'm gonna look in every so often in the hope of giving advice perhaps but my next post will be a positive one to show i can do it, i have always been strong and will not be beaten by this.

I have my brother coming to stay with me for a while to give a hand, i will be back in fighting spirit soon, alan would not be happy with me right now, that thought has given me an inner strength.

thankyou for listening,