29 replies to this topic

[Captain Pike]

Fact: 30pc of spinal cord injured never come to terms with their condition – some even find it hard to leave their homes because of negative self-image.

I've been in a bit of a slump, and was rather cheered up to to realize that I am definitely one of the 70%.

That having been said, lately, I've been having a tough time. I just passed the two-year marker. Just over two years ago, I had an innocent car accident that made me C-5 quadriplegic.

I thought I went through the DSM-IV psychobabble (and very often legitimate) stages of grief, blah, blah, blah. I am that guy in my small town who can be seen out everywhere, buzzing around in his wheelchair, making the most of life, taking part in community theater, kicking up a wheel on the dance floor, writing poetry and getting involved in life. Sounds pretty good right? Well, I'm still paralyzed, I still can't rollover or without someone pushing me, I have trouble with my bowels (sorry, I'm a bit of a shocker too! ) and the one thing that has changed is I have more pain. I have had to take more medication, and still I feel pain, it's pretty bad and pretty often.

So, I guess I'm saying that there are various levels of denial. I guess I thought that after two years, I might start twitching my toes, or maybe feeling my groin again (ha ha)!
Nothing is coming back. It's a hard thing to face, for real. I can do it alone. I need help. That's why a forum like this is good -- I actually feel better now, just writing.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to repeat something funny a good friend said while at my bedside in the ICU. I think he thought I was still unconscious when I heard him say "poor bastard, can't even kill himself!" Right now, I'm giggling again. That SOB! And, I could, don't you think I couldn't figure a way! But, I have a 14-year-old boy living with me, who looks up to me, (he puts me to bed at night) I've got a great wife who believes in me, I have an aging dad, with dementia, who counts on me, to be there every day, to talk to him. And basically, a whole town rooting for me.
Now I'm crying a little.

I don't know what the future will bring. Whatever it is, I want to try to be there to live it. Because, that night on the highway, in the dark two years ago, I was dead. And believe me, there was nothing there I wanted. Not yet anyway.

[wheeliebear75]

Hey captain pike.

2yrs is still pretty new. Adjustments to selfimage take longer for some than others. I find myself going out less. Not because I can't hack the stares. (Did you know wheelchiars are made of a special occular magnetic alloy? AKA eyeball magnets). I don't feel good lots of times. Hard to think about going out to the movies when my neuropathy is kicking my butt.lol Venting is good we all need to do it & this is the best place I know of. According to the DSM IV the majority of people will have some bouts of depresion......and usually for way less valid reasons lmao. Vent and ask away my friend.

[BlackCherry]

I think the interesting thing is that many of us learn to live with it. Like you say, you're an active memeber of your community but that doesnt mean necessarily coming to terms with it.

Self image was the hardest thing for me, still is in some ways. Sometimes I feel that I can never get physically close to someone because of the chair. It's not a mental block, it's there physically and I notice it.
In all respects I live a full life, nothing obvious that makes me think life would have been miles better if I was still able bodied. I think I appreciate everything, I spent so long being taken care of and staying in doors that when I realised I could still do stuff that I dreamt about in that time, I make myself do them just because I still can.

I think I just went with the flow, that's how I moved on and because I was surrounded by AB's and I had my independence I kind of ignored all the other stuff that troubles me in private.
One day though I totally broke down. I use a leg bag and a whole box of them were broken and leaked so I had to try for ages to find a way to stop that happening. Then I had to go to an exam. I always took this as normal, these private struggles but that morning I realised it wasn't. No one else I know worries about things like that. So as well as making me depressed it made me feel better knowing it was with good reason.
I always figured no one else is sad about it so why should I be. But I realised no one else I know spends their moring worrying about bladders.

So you can move on, by showing a front in public, like nothing troubles you and often it really doesnt but there is always that time in private that gets you. Thise things no one else can share, but everyone has those. its normal.

[John Anderson]

I understand what you are going through, Capt. Pike, and I believe all of us have that time too. Right now I am battling more then SCI and trust me the fact that I am a SCI does not help me any nor does it help me realize that. I've been down in the dumps for the last couple weeks and living here by myself kind of didn't help either.

I guess the best thing we all can do is basically just kind of try and realize those people around us still love and cares for us. I mean I know my father might be far away (his in Iraq right now) and my Mom hanging out with the Lord (Love ya Mom ) and I guess it's the people around us that in a way, makes us who we are.

I look to you for inspiration, Capt. Pike, to strive on for whatever happens, my 3rd year mark will be up around Nov and my one year mark for diagnostic will be in Oct and I sure will remember your words, sir.

Oh and say hi to your son for me, tell him it takes a lot to do what he does, we are cool
Have a good day, sir.

[susiejt]

oh yes yes some times are so damned hard. it helps just knowing that we're not the only one. i cried just reading yours Capt Pike as i have been for days on & off. I just turned 50. I don't do parties or anything social like that anymore really as i pay the price in too much intense pain above normal after. Also the emotional strain is intense as well - all those feelings of loss & difference that hurt the impossible hurt. I can cope with people better one on one nowdays. But for my birthday someone encouraged me to have a small gathering. So i delegated every job imaginable across the 14 friends & family coming to sit down take away (take out) dinner (all i can manage). Most people were delightful & so happy to help; i think i lost one 'good' friend who took exception.

BUt the aftereffects...this is when i realise how deep the emotional suffering & self image & depression goes. Putting everyone together who haven't seen each other since my injury ripped my heart out & ripped me apart. It forced me to face some intensity of emotional pain that i limit by seeing people in small controlled amounts. Oh dear.. it was beautiful to feel so loved & cared about but it has all thrown me into the pits of despair, terrible despair & sadness.

Speeches came & that was very poignant. Most people ignored any mention of my injury & just focused on the nice me - bold, courageous, integrity, justice, fightng for others, funny, wild youth etc. Then my brother did a kind of fancy DVD slide show to music which went from my childhood with all key periods of life & career highlights & my injury & friends etc. That was it - i am crying just writing about it. It sent me into the deepest grief for all that is lost & not recoverable; for all the unexpected change & detours to the life you think you are going to live. Everyone was crying or trying not to - it felt like a funeral for the able bodied me. It was very loving & sweet but it kind of ripped every scab off that we put over things like this. I cried & cried & a school friend held my hand hard then we all laughed & took a break. THen they all thought i would definitely speak because they all think of me as being so articulate & together . They couldn't believe that i of all people had not written something. Me the once queen of the microphone. I couldn't. I started to speak & kept descending into head in hands sobbing. Fortunately a great friend of 30 yrs made such funny jokes that i would laugh & start again until the next sobbing outbreak. I am sure it shocked some of them. I finished by saying "the last years since my injury have been _ _itful, thank you for being there" & started to sob again. Then we all laughed.

Sorry to go on so long but i too feel a little better for just saying it. It was all so loving & so very sad. Off to cry again now.

[edlee]

Hey Cap,

You hit the nail on the head. I've been t10 complete for about two and a half years, now.

It's hard, this sense of loss, and there is no way to dicuss it with anyone face to face. It feels like asking for sympathy. I find a great deal of peace for a couple of hours after writing about it here, on this forum. I keep hoping the feeling will last, but it never does.

The neuropathic pain is something I am all too familiar with. The sucker seems to be getting worse every month, but maybe it's just me. I'm sure these guys who are 20 years post must hurt just as bad. If not, maybe they can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I just found this place a few monthes ago and am so very grateful to have done so. It , and those here, have helped me a lot.

I know what you're saying, about waiting for a twitch. I still find myself doing that. Or staring at a toe and willing it to move. Maybe someday I'll give that up, but I hope not.

I tear up more than I used to. Can't help feeling sorry for myself sometimes I guess. I don't do it in front of anyone if I can help it. Just here, in the dark, in front of this screen.

ed

[ParaforGod]

Hi Capt Pike,
Those anniversaries are hard. I heard Christopher Reeves say one time that on the date of his accident he relived that day over and over all the way down to the accident. I do that also. Its been seven yrs. this Aug. 4th that my husband died and I was left a T4 para. On the day of the accident I relive it over counting the hours down and then thinking my husband had this many mins. to live. I didn't really get to deal with me for trying to deal with his loss. I didn't get to start dealing with me untill about 3yrs. ago. I think we all have good days and some days are so bad. I know what you mean about the pain. I tell my daughter all the time I would be ok if I just didn't hurt so bad. Keep your head up because like you said you have so many who love you. Just know that on bad days its ok to talk, cry, or even scream if you have to. I wish you well.

[lhamill]

I love this forum. I love that it is such a great space for people to be so open with their most intimate thoughts and that is the thing for all to remember that humanity is great and there is always someone out there to care and listen - all you have to do it get out of the monologues in your head that are telling you how bad life is and get into dialogues with people who will automatically empathise and hear you and GET YOU!

As humans we just want TO BE GOT!

I think we all have loads of rubbish to deal whether it's physical or mental. I wathced a prog last night on all Iraq vets coming back with post traumatic stress disorder. I would like going to contact the Ministry of Defence to discuss how to support these people to support themselves. NOONE IS GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR US - WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES!!!

Captain Pike, on May 18 2007, 12:09 AM, said:

Fact: 30pc of spinal cord injured never come to terms with their condition – some even find it hard to leave their homes because of negative self-image.

I've been in a bit of a slump, and was rather cheered up to to realize that I am definitely one of the 70%.

That having been said, lately, I've been having a tough time. I just passed the two-year marker. Just over two years ago, I had an innocent car accident that made me C-5 quadriplegic.

I thought I went through the DSM-IV psychobabble (and very often legitimate) stages of grief, blah, blah, blah. I am that guy in my small town who can be seen out everywhere, buzzing around in his wheelchair, making the most of life, taking part in community theater, kicking up a wheel on the dance floor, writing poetry and getting involved in life. Sounds pretty good right? Well, I'm still paralyzed, I still can't rollover or without someone pushing me, I have trouble with my bowels (sorry, I'm a bit of a shocker too! ) and the one thing that has changed is I have more pain. I have had to take more medication, and still I feel pain, it's pretty bad and pretty often.

So, I guess I'm saying that there are various levels of denial. I guess I thought that after two years, I might start twitching my toes, or maybe feeling my groin again (ha ha)!
Nothing is coming back. It's a hard thing to face, for real. I can do it alone. I need help. That's why a forum like this is good -- I actually feel better now, just writing.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to repeat something funny a good friend said while at my bedside in the ICU. I think he thought I was still unconscious when I heard him say "poor bastard, can't even kill himself!" Right now, I'm giggling again. That SOB! And, I could, don't you think I couldn't figure a way! But, I have a 14-year-old boy living with me, who looks up to me, (he puts me to bed at night) I've got a great wife who believes in me, I have an aging dad, with dementia, who counts on me, to be there every day, to talk to him. And basically, a whole town rooting for me.
Now I'm crying a little.

I don't know what the future will bring. Whatever it is, I want to try to be there to live it. Because, that night on the highway, in the dark two years ago, I was dead. And believe me, there was nothing there I wanted. Not yet anyway.

[Susi]

Hi all, I am a new member and resident in Namibia (South West Africa). My name is Susi and am 48 years old this year. I have gone from being an extrovert to an introvert. The postings i have read are all relevant, and i don't think it is easy getting back into the mainstream of living an independant life after being disabled. I am an C5/C5 Incomplete quadraplegic. It has now been 4 years since my car accident, and a lot of things have helped me to sort of come to terms with this disability.
Firstly, our rehab in Southern Africa is vastly different, i gather, than our European / American counterparts. We have very limited specialised spinal unit rehab centres in South Africa. They are also very costly, last only 3 months, post accident, and then its home to wherever one resides in Africa. Much depends on family support back here.
In Namibia, for instance there are no specialised spinal rehab centres, and no paraplegic forums, clubs, etc. I think we tend to ignore each other lest we be reminded of how lucky or unlucky we are. The attitudes to paraplegics here, i"m araid is one of apathy. Noone knows how to relate to you, and often friendships fall away, as do sadly family as well.
I have been blessed with a wonderful partner whom i knew for 10 years before the accident and who was totally committed after the accident. He is now my husband of 1 year. I have 2 children (24 and 21 respectively) from a previous marriage and they have been most supportive as well. It has also helped enormously, for me that is, to rekindle lost faith. I have become a christian since the accident, and this has helped enormously in times of depression, and hopelessness. The love and support from my husband though is the biggest boost to carrying on.
Somehow we have to dig deep within ourselves and find that fighting spirit we had before the disability occurred and hang onto it.
I think in Africa we are blessed in that respect, as because of the lack of facilities, and clubs, community to turn to in times of helplessness, we have to make do with what we have, and that is what is closest to us, and are forced to become self-sufficient as quickly as possible.

I have become an introvert since the accident, mainly because of adjustment, don't want to see the pity in my friend's eyes or hear clucks of sympathy. My body has also changed shape, (become pleasantly plump), I am only now starting to venture out, started a writing course, we want to travel again.
There is life after disability, but it all depends on mental attitude and a really good carer/spouse and family support. The will to live must be the strongest feeling of all though. I do have my ups and downs, irregular bowel movements, permanent cathetirasation, all these make exercising difficult, but not impossible. I also find that when exercising one feels for those 45 mins really liberated. I've alos learnt to take small steps and to be incredibly patient with oneself. From an initial diagnosis of paralysis from the neck down, to walking on crutches today, and swimming alone in a pool, i find myself truly blessed and loved. Oh i still have to be helped out of my chair, bed, etc. but once up i can walk a good 10-15 mins on crutches. My hands are still monkey-clawed, but i'm working on them too. Toiletting is also an embarassment at times but made tolerable through the incredible support of my husband.

I have also found that the more open i am about my changed life, the more receptive people become and the more they understand what special people we are.

I read a wonderful excerpt from Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen, and, if you are not bored after this message, would like to share it with you.
It is an excerpt from a chapter Overcoming Obstacles under the title "Faith", and submitted by Roy Campanella. If it wasn't for this one chapter then i really don't know where i would be today.

"We're a rugged breed, us quads. if we weren't, we wouldn't be around today. Yes we're a rugged breed. in many ways we've been blessed with a savvy and spirit that isn't given to everybody.
And let me say that this refusal of total or full acceptance of one's disability all hooks up with one thing - faith, an almost divine faith.

Down in the reception room of the Institute of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, over on the East River at 400 East 34th Street, in New York City, there's a bronze plaque that's riveted to the wall. During the months of coming back to the Institute for treatment - two or three times a week - I rolled through that reception room many times, coming and going. But i never quite made the time to pull over to one side and read the words on that plaque that were written, by an unknown Confederate soldier. Then one afternoon, I did. I read it and then I read it again. When i finished it for the second time, I was near to bursting - not in despair, but with an inner glow that had me straining to grip the arms of my wheelchair. I'd like to share it with you.

A Creed for Those Who Have Suffered

I asked God for strength, that i might achieve.
I was made weak, so that I might learn humbly to obey...

I asked for health, that I might do great things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things...

I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that i might be wise...

I asked for power, that i might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God...

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things...

I got nothing I asked for - but everytbing I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am, among men, most richly blessed!" Quote Ends

I hope this inspires some of you out there, and gives you hope for the future, as it did me
I read this plaque every day, and know that i am blessed, with life.
Keep it up all of you out there, we really are a breed apart.

[Survivor35]

Just to second what everyone else has said, this forum is truly my sanity at points... everyone tells me, and I hate it, "Your sooo amazing.... Your sooo brave.... Your sooo strong..." The person that they see, maybe. But they aren't with me at the end of the oh so long days where I come close to, or do fall out of my damn chair and struggle to get back into it, drop gallons of milk and everything else I touch, like the bag of 8 million jelly beans this morning (so much fun to clean up with a damn grippy stick...) ... the days when I realize I have a UTI coming on because my bladder leaks all over the place, or the moments when I am out at a Bar shooting Pool trying really hard to come off like the person I seem to have fooled them all into believing I am, and my nose starts getting stuffy, I start sweating and I realize, Great, a BM now???

Strong? No. Amazing? I dont think so! They aren't here at night when the cleaning is done, the kids are asleep, and I am alone with nothing but my thoughts, worries and concerns for this life... No one realizes that I am not amazing to take on so much in my life, and work so hard at all of it, its not that I'm amazing, its that if I can jam pack as much into my 24 hour days, I dont have nearly as much time to be scared for my future, depressed about my present, or cry over my past....

So, the point to my rambling? I thank god for this forum on those days when I just need to connect with others who truly understand what it is to deal with this... And not the able bodied friends I have that say, "Oh, come on, It could be sooo much worse. Your lucky, you shouldn't be down." And yes, in so many ways, thats very true. But ya wanna call me lucky and think my life is cake? I'll trade ya for a day!! Anyway, thanks to all of my friends on here that keep me Sane!! Hehe, My children will thank y'all someday as well, I'm sure. :-)

[MX Crash]

Survivor35, on Jun 8 2007, 02:28 PM, said:

Just to second what everyone else has said, this forum is truly my sanity at points... everyone tells me, and I hate it, "Your sooo amazing.... Your sooo brave.... Your sooo strong..." The person that they see, maybe. But they aren't with me at the end of the oh so long days where I come close to, or do fall out of my damn chair and struggle to get back into it, drop gallons of milk and everything else I touch, like the bag of 8 million jelly beans this morning (so much fun to clean up with a damn grippy stick...) ... the days when I realize I have a UTI coming on because my bladder leaks all over the place, or the moments when I am out at a Bar shooting Pool trying really hard to come off like the person I seem to have fooled them all into believing I am, and my nose starts getting stuffy, I start sweating and I realize, Great, a BM now???

Strong? No. Amazing? I dont think so! They aren't here at night when the cleaning is done, the kids are asleep, and I am alone with nothing but my thoughts, worries and concerns for this life... No one realizes that I am not amazing to take on so much in my life, and work so hard at all of it, its not that I'm amazing, its that if I can jam pack as much into my 24 hour days, I dont have nearly as much time to be scared for my future, depressed about my present, or cry over my past....

So, the point to my rambling? I thank god for this forum on those days when I just need to connect with others who truly understand what it is to deal with this... And not the able bodied friends I have that say, "Oh, come on, It could be sooo much worse. Your lucky, you shouldn't be down." And yes, in so many ways, thats very true. But ya wanna call me lucky and think my life is cake? I'll trade ya for a day!! Anyway, thanks to all of my friends on here that keep me Sane!! Hehe, My children will thank y'all someday as well, I'm sure. :-)

survivor 35,
I can honestly say you are a lucky person, in the fact you chose to live life instead of letting it take you down. I havent been on this site in a while, but I see everybody's doing pretty well. I just past my two year mark on june 5 2005 my wife reminded me ,If she didn't I probably wouldn't have remembered. I can honestly say I'm moving on with my life, I wont let this beat me. I went back to work for a friend of mine and it was like my life meant some thing again. I would like to go to college and maybe better my self starting this fall. Anybody get any financial aid for going back to school,any info. would be great you can e-mail me if you want. well back to the subject I have good days and bad but just keep on plugging. The one thing I've learned in life is never give up and never look back the best things in life may be right around the bend. Survivor 35 your young,pretty,andhave a beutifull family your life is just starting. Are you lucky to have been blessed with this injury,hell no but it sure does make the small things in life more special. And the things that would drive you out of your mind dont seem to bother you as bad. From this injury I have learnd to take life a little more easy and roll with the punches. well I wish all of you the best of luck and hope to talk to you again soon.
mx-crash

[nomis]

Susi, that is a beautiful piece of writing from your heart. Touching stuff from Survivor 35, too, and all from that revealing post started by Captain Pike. If love and appreciation can flow through these cyber pages you have my full attention.

I live in a country with a good health system and lifestyle.

Nowadays, I am smug. I am comfortable, secure, safe. It’s too easy for me to forget the time all those years back I lay in a pool of mess yelling, God give me two good days out of three and I’ll never bother you again.

I’m 59 and over three decades playing the para. Looking back, I’ve had hardships and despair. I’m proudly decorated in the physical and emotional scars of life.

Be it luck or determination, I don’t know, but now I’m utterly happy and excited with life. I’m happy being a guy living from a wheelchair and I’m happy for people to see me that way. Why not, it’s who I am.

Maybe through the hard realities of life I’ve learnt to survive and discover who I am.

So, today I rejoice being alive. But, like all of you, I’m acutely aware of my vulnerability. Tomorrow can be so different.

Edited by nomis, 10 June 2007 - 02:10 AM.

[Murray]

Hello Cap - I'm new here and, like you, relatively new to SCI. Oct 7, 04. Did a 30-foot header from a roof while helping a buddy build his new home. My first recollection upon waking in the ICU trauma center was my girlfriend's hand, shaking from her sobs, holding mine - and my brother - also a construction hand - standing at the foot of my bed, still wearing his sun glasses, with little lines of uncharacteristic tears on his cheeks. I was so doped up that I couldn't feel anything. But I knew something was wrong. Real wrong. I remember the only thing I said was shit. That word - and several others that are colorful parts of a carpentar's conversation - were the only things that came out of my mouth for the next week. The anger was extreme. Next came the pain and depression. I'm lucky. My girl has stuck beside me through the whole mess. Without her support I'd be dead. Not necessarily from the complications that acompany the condition, but more likely the .45 in the next room. So, with her help, some meds, and a healthy dose of decision-making that defies sensibility, I'm doing OK. So, hang in there, buddy. We're all fighting our respective demons and enjoying marginal successes with the anticipated failures. Good luck to us all!

[itsjustme]

It seems to me like a lot of us hit this bump in the road between the one and two year mark. For those of us who came out of rehab in relatively "good" spirits, determined, involved, out and about and suddenly we just come to a screeching halt and say, "Okay, fine, but now what?" Because the fact is in spite of all of the things that we can still do and accomplish, we have experienced a loss and maybe those of us who never cried, who basically from the beginning just made the best of it and accepted the blessings of what we were left with never let ourselves grieve the loss. And when it catches up with us, bam! It just blindsights us because we aren't used to feeling those feelings. We even feel guilty about feeling those feelings because we are so blessed.

I lost my own home because it in no way would accomodate a wheelchair. I had to come back and live with my mom in her house. I lost the ability to drive, not because I can't drive but because financially I can't afford an adapted van, therefore losing my independence as far as going where I want to go when I want to go. Dignity? Need I say more? I didn't come out of rehab as independent as I'd hoped I'd be. My home is just behind my mom's and the second summer when I looked at my yard, I missed my flowers and my deep purple Morning Glories and my hummingbirds and sitting in my wrought iron swing early in the morning with my creamy French vanilla coffee watching the world wake up and I began to grieve in a way that I didn't believe that I would because I was still so blessed.

And what can I say about that process? Absolutely nothing except that I got through it and it passed. I was going through it when I found Apparelyzed and talking and listening to everyone here helped immeasureably.

One last thing Captain Pike...I was compete at first. Felt nothing from my belly button down. I'm a little over three years out and a kind of partial feeling has returned down into my left leg, buttock, front of some of my stomach. I can move my left leg and just a few weeks ago I realized that I can barely wiggle the toes on my right foot but I can't bear weight and I AM MISERABLE! Because, I can feel the dead numbness in butt from sitting hours on end (pardon the pun) and if return isn't going to me any good I would just as soon be complete unless there are benefits that I just don't know about. Be careful what you wish for!

[hockeydahc]

if you can't make it, fake it. and do it with a smile. enough times and you'll be smiling naturally just out of habit!

[nomis]

hockeydahc, on Jul 11 2007, 05:27 AM, said:

if you can't make it, fake it. and do it with a smile. enough times and you'll be smiling naturally just out of habit!

This can work well when performing in public or holding down a job, etc. But you end up looking like a product from Hollywood with a fixed smile hiding a miserable person. I admire those with the courage to display the honest emotions they feel.

'itsjustme': From what I've experienced and seen I agree that many people have a major reality test around the 2-year mark, earlier for some, later for others. It's good to read of your own realizations. I reckon I was a slow learner but with plenty of water under the bridge I can see now that major milestones in my life often meant revisiting that grief. And that's not a bad thing.

[MDK]

Sunday was Kev' s 5 year " anniversary" ,he's been sick for a week before it & he's stil "out of sorts".
I think that all people( & carers ) with any dissability have a continuous reality tests.
Unfortunately is imposed by every day living.

[Apparelyzed]

happy crip, on Jul 2 2007, 10:39 PM, said:

I'm giving up if I drop this f***ing thing one more time!"

I still say this after 15 years, but I still pick it up!

Never give in!

Simon

[wheeliebear75]

Apparelyzed, on Jul 11 2007, 07:24 PM, said:

"I'm giving up if I drop this f***ing thing one more time!"

I still say this after 15 years, but I still pick it up!

Never give in!

Simon

Drop what Simon? Or am I missing something?

[smokymtn memories]

Simon, I'm always saying the same thing and strangely enough, in the very same, exact words! I am constantly dropping things. I've dropped my supper so many times (the worst being once on pizza night and the other chili). Anyway, you're right, don't give up. That applies to a lot of things we all do every day. I'm glad that for the most part, I try to stay up, but some days are sure a trial.

[Apparelyzed]

wheeliebear75, on Jul 12 2007, 05:51 PM, said:

Drop what Simon? Or am I missing something?

Anything, if it ends up on the floor!

Especially newspapers, because they just fall to bits whilst you're trying to pick them up!

Simon

[mybrat]

Survivor35, on Jun 8 2007, 09:28 AM, said:

Just to second what everyone else has said, this forum is truly my sanity at points... everyone tells me, and I hate it, "Your sooo amazing.... Your sooo brave.... Your sooo strong..." The person that they see, maybe. But they aren't with me at the end of the oh so long days where I come close to, or do fall out of my damn chair and struggle to get back into it, drop gallons of milk and everything else I touch, like the bag of 8 million jelly beans this morning (so much fun to clean up with a damn grippy stick...) ... the days when I realize I have a UTI coming on because my bladder leaks all over the place, or the moments when I am out at a Bar shooting Pool trying really hard to come off like the person I seem to have fooled them all into believing I am, and my nose starts getting stuffy, I start sweating and I realize, Great, a BM now???

Strong? No. Amazing? I dont think so! They aren't here at night when the cleaning is done, the kids are asleep, and I am alone with nothing but my thoughts, worries and concerns for this life... No one realizes that I am not amazing to take on so much in my life, and work so hard at all of it, its not that I'm amazing, its that if I can jam pack as much into my 24 hour days, I dont have nearly as much time to be scared for my future, depressed about my present, or cry over my past....

So, the point to my rambling? I thank god for this forum on those days when I just need to connect with others who truly understand what it is to deal with this... And not the able bodied friends I have that say, "Oh, come on, It could be sooo much worse. Your lucky, you shouldn't be down." And yes, in so many ways, thats very true. But ya wanna call me lucky and think my life is cake? I'll trade ya for a day!! Anyway, thanks to all of my friends on here that keep me Sane!! Hehe, My children will thank y'all someday as well, I'm sure. :-)

I soooo agree with you on this forum. I am so happy to have found it because all of my friends and loved ones are "normal" and don't have a clue in hell what I go thru everyday.

I paste a smile on my face but cry alone at night just to have that chance to redo my accident over. I have come to realize that this has happened for a reason. I am just waiting for that reason to show it's self.

So thank you all for being here so that I can take a little off of my family for all that we have been thru the past couple of months. I see that this is a place that I can share and know that someone out there is going thru what I am also.

[wheeliebear75]

Apparelyzed, on Jul 20 2007, 03:17 PM, said:

wheeliebear75, on Jul 12 2007, 05:51 PM, said:

Drop what Simon? Or am I missing something?

Anything, if it ends up on the floor!

Especially newspapers, because they just fall to bits whilst you're trying to pick them up!

Simon

Sorry duh. I guess I should try reading posts UNmedicated. LOL I do know what you mean about anything paper....unless it was wadded up it most likely is going to be flush with the floor and next to impossible to grab.

[Captain Pike]

Wow, I was really down when I wrote this original post. So many people have chimed in with many kind and interesting thoughts and tangents.

The sun is out, and I feel much better than I have. I recently visited the pain clinic here, and I'm now on a drug called nortriptyline. This has reduced my need to take narcotics by at least one half, and really excited about that. It does have a kind of funny side effect. Sometimes, while lying in bed, I feel like I'm floating, floating up in the clouds. I'm told this is a kind of dysphoria. All I know is it's a heck of a lot better than the feeling of having someone pull an old piece of barbed wire out of my body!

I just got back from a bit of a holiday in the western mountains of Maine. It was something, puffing and panting around in my manual chair. I was going up this one hill, and people started stopping their cars, getting out and taking turns pushing me! It was wild. I might be able to get some picture.

It was great to come back and find people still talking, my post lived on!

[motospine]

Being a t12 incomplete I feel guilty when I have down days. There are quads out there who dont piss or moan. My wife always reminds me that everyone has their own pooh to deal with. It is just all relative.

I too get the anniversary blahs and it has been six years. It always seems to be apperent to everyone else and then someone may ask when it was. Ooh yeah thats why I might be down it is that time of year.

The other topic mentioned in this thread about the happy faces we put on for the ABs. I was a Sales Rep and told a friend that I spent too much time being on for my customers that I had nothing left for my family. I am a bench warmer now and have time for them and time to work on the neuropathy.

Who wants to host the first milk and cookies party? That way we can all smile for each other.

[wquad]

Happy To Be Alive!!
Thats how I feel. When I feel sad, depressed, When I want to pack it in, I need to think back to my accident. I was thrown from a van into a cornfield. I thought I was dead. It all came to me in a instant. My neck was broken, I couldn't move, and I had a choice. I could die right there and then, or live with it. I choose life. No matter what, no matter how hard, or how f**ked up things are, I am so happy I choose life. Through all the pain, and struggle I can smile, and be thankful!
C4,C5,C6 fused. Sept 30/2000. The surgeon was amazing, as where the whole team, the Doc's the nurses, all the therapists in rehab, amazing people. I was told I would never walk, I would be a quadriplegic BUT I COULD STILL SMILE I was in Parkwood hospital in London Ontario Canada for 2 months, and rehab over a year. I made some progress, I could move my toes a bit, and legs a tiny bit. I was given a exercise routine, and told they could do nothing more. I did not not stop, I forced myself to stand. I rolled my chair behind the couch, and I held the back of the couch with my arms and lifted myself to a standing position. I had good upper body strength, my legs where so weak, they trembled and shook, but I held myself up with my arms. I tried to do this several times through the day. Soon I could stand briefly with no support. And then baby steps. When I showed this to my Doc he put me in aqua therapy and I improved. I could walk in the pool, and I learned to swim again. I can walk unassisted for short distances, but mostly I use a cane.

Please no matter what, do not give up, do not quit. If you have breath in you lungs, there is hope.
Do not cry for what you have lost, rather be grateful for what you still have!!

Peace and Love to ALL

[buffie]

Wquad, your story is such an inspiration to me. I am a c4-5 quad and I am praying for the ability to be better some day. I have gained some more movement over the last few weeks but not enough to make a real difference yet. Just reading your post though gives me additional hope.

[Kev-O]

wquad, on Aug 18 2007, 10:09 AM, said:

Happy To Be Alive!!
Thats how I feel. When I feel sad, depressed, When I want to pack it in, I need to think back to my accident. I was thrown from a van into a cornfield. I thought I was dead. It all came to me in a instant. My neck was broken, I couldn't move, and I had a choice. I could die right there and then, or live with it. I choose life. No matter what, no matter how hard, or how f**ked up things are, I am so happy I choose life. Through all the pain, and struggle I can smile, and be thankful!
C4,C5,C6 fused. Sept 30/2000. The surgeon was amazing, as where the whole team, the Doc's the nurses, all the therapists in rehab, amazing people. I was told I would never walk, I would be a quadriplegic BUT I COULD STILL SMILE I was in Parkwood hospital in London Ontario Canada for 2 months, and rehab over a year. I made some progress, I could move my toes a bit, and legs a tiny bit. I was given a exercise routine, and told they could do nothing more. I did not not stop, I forced myself to stand. I rolled my chair behind the couch, and I held the back of the couch with my arms and lifted myself to a standing position. I had good upper body strength, my legs where so weak, they trembled and shook, but I held myself up with my arms. I tried to do this several times through the day. Soon I could stand briefly with no support. And then baby steps. When I showed this to my Doc he put me in aqua therapy and I improved. I could walk in the pool, and I learned to swim again. I can walk unassisted for short distances, but mostly I use a cane.

Please no matter what, do not give up, do not quit. If you have breath in you lungs, there is hope.
Do not cry for what you have lost, rather be grateful for what you still have!!

Peace and Love to ALL

wow man that was deep. very good post

[hockeydahc]

excellent wquad

[wquad]

Exercise, keep moving, what ever you can move, move it, stretching helps me so much, weight bearing exercises, swimming, and most important for me is to keep a positive attitude, and that is the most difficult.

Keep smiling, it helps : )